A brick can be neither good nor bad. A brick just is. And it isn’t, because I just stole it from you, which is good for me, and bad for you.

It s amazing that the amount of news that happens in the world every day always just exactly fits the newspaper.

here!” and you threw 5000 likes on me and it felt like slugs. And smelled like fried chicken. I was so confused. I vomited a rainbow.

I was compared to Charles Bukowski yesterday. It was the best and worst compliment I’ve ever gotten.

There’s no such thing as free kittens.

I heard God in the silence. I recognized his voice precisely because it was inaudible.

If you can’t be with the √-1 you love, love the √-1 you’re with.

A brick could be used to assuage your sense that life isn’t real. Hold it in your hands and say, This is not a dream.

Scientists want to search for alien signals because that’s what gets them publicity. They are like Jesus Christ.””Jesus Christ?” Nambodri asked, with a faintly derogatory chuckle.”Yes. They are exactly like Jesus Christ. You know that...

Love is like $19.99. If you bring $20 dollars, I’ll bring a penny.

‘When did you first fall in love?’ ‘I think, I first fell in love when I was in fifth grade with this boy who kept his glass ruler in the sunlight and made rainbows on...

Nightmares did come true. Because, after her second night of major loving with the man of her dreams, the absolute last person she ever wanted to see was her mother. Yet there she was, her...

Aprender a aprender significa examinar las suposiciones. Los relatos de Mulá Nasrudín cumplen muy frecuentemente esta función.

Secret 16913011. Better a CIA front than a CIA backside.

A brick could be pet, like a dog, and taught to shit in my neighbor’s yard.

The heart has a heart of its own.

I like make-up sex. I find cosmetics so erotic.

Ja, het is best een leuk bedrijf, al zitten er hier en daar een paar lijken in de kast.” Ik kreeg het angstige voorgevoel dat ze dit letterlijk bedoelde. “En welk bedrijf heeft er nu...

Regardless of what others may tell you, you only need two Mexican-Americans for a Mexican standoff.

Love is like a chess match, where the queen wins the game and the king just sort of stands around.

My doctor says I must not have any serious conversation after seven [o’clock]. It makes me talk in my sleep.

If it weren’t for greed, intolerance, hate, passion and murder, you would have no works of art, no great buildings, no medical science, no Mozart, no Van Gough, no Muppets and no Louis Armstrong.

These tears I’m wailing,I spill not without reason.Remove them, my dearest love.Take me to the place I’ve been dreaming of,where the grotesquely lonely meet the grotesquely lonelyand they whisper,just very softly,Please be mine, Dearest Love.

I’m sort of a girly guy in that I love cats, rainbows, sunsets, flowers, trees, and sex. But not sex with trees.

Here’s a rule I recommend: Never practice two vices at once.

I wonder if a fish’sOne and only wish isThat other fish will never say,”This fish is sure delicious!

Like the Grand Canyon, I care deeply. Hop on a donkey and you’ll see how deeply I love you!

While my radar gently beeps.

Uncle Sam’s not related to me. He’s stuck his dick in the American Pie too many times to be welcome at my family picnics.

Modern art is what happens when painters stop looking at girls and persuade themselves that they have a better idea.

Within the magical community, most brides are virgins. Do you have any idea how many curses and other horrible things are associated with virginity and virgin bloodshed? For witches, having sex before marriage invites all...

Well, in Shades’ Hill you may be able to eat cold bacon and dirt pies off one another’s asses for all your old master cares. But now you’re a Gentleman Bastard, emphasis on the Gentleman....

I have read of a gentleman who owned a so fine house in London, and when he went for months of summer to Switzerland and lock up his house, some burglar came and broke window...

You don’t need to make up a new pet.

Intelligence Forecast of the Week. Coming soon: the bloodiest film ever – nothing but close-ups of red blood cells, plasma and platelets.

If anybody ever tells me to face them like a man, I’ll get offended, because my face can’t grow a beard.

Wisdom of the Ages: “Forgiveness” Steroids for the Soul.

I remember the first time we made love like it was the second time. We never made love again, and I don’t regret it for a second.

When it comes to your self-esteem, it is best not to value the opinions of deluded psychopaths.

The last time I wore an animal hide; but this time I settled for this.” Eric had been wearing a long trench coat. Now he threw it off dramatically, and I could only stand and...

My wife must be stupid. I mean, look, she married me, didn’t she?

I’m not sure what ‘batting an eye’ means, but it sounds like it could be pretty fun.

Of course, to avoid getting stuck in that convo with someone you dislike or feel uncomfortable around, don’t be passive, be proactive. Do not let them direct your interaction on their terms, do it on...

This parrot is no more. It has ceased to be. It’s expired and gone to meet its maker. This is a late parrot. It’s a stiff. Bereft of life, it rests in peace. If you...

If you want me to have sex with you, I’ll have sex with you. If you want me to love you, I’ll have sex with you.

And there was this sweet-looking little old lady with her white hair in a bun and everything, the typical grandmother type, and she was swearing her head off. I guess Alzheimer’s had brought out her...

People often ask me where I stand politically. It’s not that I disagree with Bush’s economic policy or his foreign policy, it’s that I believe he was a child of Satan sent here to destroy...

I hear phonetically on the phone. Toiletries sounds like toilet trees to me.

Being diagnosed with spatial orientation phenomenon can turn a person’s whole world upside up.

Evelyn was an insomniac so when they say she died in her sleep, you have to question that.