Nightmares did come true. Because, after her second night of major loving with the man of her dreams, the absolute last person she ever wanted to see was her mother. Yet there she was, her...

Next time I see you, remind me not to talk to you.

I am in full possession of the amazing power of being sarcastic.

A brick could be pet, like a dog, and taught to shit in my neighbor’s yard.

Labels are necessary, for dating purposes. I’m not talking about gay versus straight. I’m talking about milk versus its expiration.

I’d once had a long-term relationship with a Five Point Five that got nowhere near living together. This was because I was a Two Point Five, he was a Five Point Five and he wanted...

Smartass Disciple: What were you thinking when the truth is revealed unto you?Master of Stupidity: I wasn’t thinking. I was having sex when it came to my mind.

Regardless of what others may tell you, you only need two Mexican-Americans for a Mexican standoff.

Anxiously, he touched the lump on his head again, then felt his injured leg, groaning. “The whole affair is a mystery to me,” he said. “Who would want to steal anything from me?” “Perhaps a...

It felt exactly like someone had hit me in the head with a church.

If it weren’t for greed, intolerance, hate, passion and murder, you would have no works of art, no great buildings, no medical science, no Mozart, no Van Gough, no Muppets and no Louis Armstrong.

So be sure when you step, Step with care and great tact. And remember that life’s A Great Balancing Act. And will you succeed? Yes! You will, indeed! (98 and ¾ percent guaranteed) Kid, you’ll...

History repeats itself but without a parity bit

maybes”.’ ‘Maybe,’ I said. ‘But if what I’m saying is correct …

I wonder if a fish’sOne and only wish isThat other fish will never say,”This fish is sure delicious!

As a rule of thumb, hitchhiking is no fun. If you’re going to stand around waiting to move, you may as well get paid to hold a pawnshop sign.

loneliness can fly a helicopter through a cut-out shapeof a helicopter the same size as the helicopterand that’s it’s only skilland it isn’t good enoughbut it’s still amazing.

Uncle Sam’s not related to me. He’s stuck his dick in the American Pie too many times to be welcome at my family picnics.

Dragons breathe fire, but what if fire breathed dragons? I make love like that—instead of it being hot, it’s cold and scaly.

The land of easy mathematics where he who works adds up and he who retires subtracts.

I have read of a gentleman who owned a so fine house in London, and when he went for months of summer to Switzerland and lock up his house, some burglar came and broke window...

In this sad world I can never be sure. Of that I am certain.

A gypsy girl approached Don Zana and Alfanhui and held out her tambourine. Don Zana said to her, ‘You don’t pay for art, kid.

If anybody ever tells me to face them like a man, I’ll get offended, because my face can’t grow a beard.

I stepped in gum. It was just floating on the water.

You can’t believe everything people tell you – not even if those people are your own brain.

The last time I wore an animal hide; but this time I settled for this.” Eric had been wearing a long trench coat. Now he threw it off dramatically, and I could only stand and...

Everything can be used as a weapon, including love. My love looks like a butter knife, but I assure you, it is quite deadly. I would demonstrate, but I’m right in the middle of making...

It would be either a very skilled or very unwise man to steal from an assassin.” – Taliesin

Of course, to avoid getting stuck in that convo with someone you dislike or feel uncomfortable around, don’t be passive, be proactive. Do not let them direct your interaction on their terms, do it on...

I tried to wear my shirt while it was still on the hanger. That’s just the kind of morning person I am with no coffee.

There are as many ways to discover your story as there are to trip over a dog in the kitchen–and some of them feel about as planned.

People often ask me where I stand politically. It’s not that I disagree with Bush’s economic policy or his foreign policy, it’s that I believe he was a child of Satan sent here to destroy...

A doctor can bury his mistakes, but an architect can only advise his clients to plant vines.

I’m sorry, but why does Claire know how to take a punch? I’m not sure I like where this is going,” Carter said nervously. “Well, last year Jim made us watch Fight Club for like,...

Evelyn was an insomniac so when they say she died in her sleep, you have to question that.

You can think about gloves. You can think about snuvs. You can think a long time about snuvs and their gloves.

Who said to kill does not require gentleness?

Today I am amused, and I haven’t seen anyone yet.

That’s the whole trouble. You can’t ever find a place that’s nice and peaceful, because there isn’t any. You may “think” there is, but once you get there, when you’re not looking, somebody’ll sneak up...

Don’t go there, Bob. Let’s just not go there.

original boyfriend” not obstetrician – was just ridiculous looking.

Rain Factory,” because he’s always either in a dark and stormy mood, or crying heavily.

Underwater, bubbles erupted before my eyes as a swift hand snatched my arm and pulled me to the surface. I gasped for air, coughing and gagging at the amount of water I sucked into my...

Investigation?” Isabelle laughed. “Now we’re detectives? Maybe we should all have code names.””Good idea,” said Jace. “I shall be Baron Hotschaft Von Hugenstein.

I’m feeling morass, when I should be feeling more ass. I can put my sadness behind me with what’s behind you.

Do not do that again,” he said stiffly.”Don’t kiss me back then,” I retorted.He stared at me for what seemed like forever. “I don’t give ‘Zen lessons’ to hear myself talk. I don’t give them...

I’ve had a stressful day, and I need something stronger than beer. Somebody fetch me a bodybuilder. Check the cooler in the garage.

The picture is grainy. But that’s to be expected when photographing bread.

…Our conversation with the supermarket manager had been about as helpful as a New Jersey road sign, and if you’ve ever been there, you know the signs don’t tell you the exit you’re coming up...