If I had four fingers growing out of my forehead, I wouldn’t try to play the piano with my nose.

Meatloaf is graphable in how far ahead it is in likeability categories. You can also play Mop the Floor with it. I make love like I make dinner that makes cleaning the kitchen more fun...

If you have a broken heart, I’d like to fix it. Repairs start at just $69. Special delivery charges may apply.

Word” is too long to be short, like a 4” tall non-midget. My favorite word is love, and though it’s not long, it’s by far the tallest word.

Dinner for two—plus one.

A can’t in a can—it’s carbonated failure that’s ready to drink. It tastes like the back half of love.

If you see the light at the end of the tunnel, you’re lookingthrough binoculars the wrongway

Dating should really be more like furniture store commercials….I would love to’ pay no interest for 6 months

Beauty is a whore, I like money better.

I was the captain of the latent paranoid softball team. We used to play all the neurotics on sunday morning. Nailbiters against the bedwetters, and if you’ve never seen neurotics play softball, it’s really funny....

As a rule, theologians know nothing of this world, and far less of the next; but they have the power of stating the most absurd propositions with faces solemn as stupidity touched by fear.It is...

One of the only coherent philosophical positions is thus revolt. It is a constant confrontation between man and his own obscurity.

Love isn’t two matching unicycles. Love is a bicycle—and mine just got stolen.

I’d much rather watch football than football.” But I’m just teasing them, and they know I’d really rather watch football than football.

I didn’t shave my mustache off. Instead what I did was taped Elton John’s asshole to my top lip and then all of the sudden I had twice the dick in my mouth as before....

It’s the same with cell phones. I never answer them up to my ear. I always put it on speakerphone and hold it six to eight inches away from my brain. Here’s an example of...

Don’t breathe on my voice, I yelled through my ears. But who’s there to listen, when you’re all alone and wearing earplugs. It’s true what they say, even if they say it silently—love is Helen...

I have an abnormally shaped brain. According to neuroimaging, my brain looks like a curled up sleeping kitten. That’s how I make love like meow.

Do you mind if I use your bathroom? I haven’t made dinner yet.

I prefer kissing over dinner. Not that I prefer kissing to dinner, but I prefer kissing over the plate containing my dinner, especially if my dinner consists of something romantic like monkey brains.

I’m an extreme athlete. I’m into cuddling. I wonder if Red Bull would sponsor me.

Nobody would use scissors to mow a golf course, I need a haircut, and I’ve only got 18 holes to do it in. If I had a wheelchair, maybe I could improve my handicap.

I put out the Gary call, but only two Gregs and a Susan came. Oh well, if they don’t want to snuggle, I suppose I’ll just sell my surplus supply.

My love is a cloud sound, silent as an orange flamingo. Too many swimmers have drowned while trying to fly, and there should be a law against making a law against that.

Her hair was red, like a flame. And my penis was long, like a commercial break. Hey, hold the elevator!

Some who have read the book, or at any rate have reviewed it, have found it boring, absurd, or contemptible, and I have no cause to complain, since I have similar opinions of their works,...

I am the washing machine of love. And if you have no idea what I mean, maybe it’s time to let some laundry into your life.

I got a new car. I just need to put it together. They’re easier to steal piece by piece.

I have an Unexplained Flying Erection. I also have a floating picture of my dead grandma. The two are unrelated. Long live the queen!

You know you’re in love when you reach out to hold your woman’s hand, without remembering that her hands are full because you insisted she carry all the groceries out to the car.

Children and dogs are the messengers of God some of us do not deserve them

It’s a beautiful thing, the destruction of words.

I make love in my bathtub, because there’s only room for one person.

We made love like my foot cramped up in the middle. That was the last time I tried to do a marathon session.

It is Father’s Day today. I should probably call all three of mine and say Hello, and thanks for possibly pumping my mom with the winning batch of semen.

I walked to work. I paced up and down the bus looking for a seat. Next time I walk to work I’m getting on my treadmill.

I saw something scary. It was a boy, asking me what I’m doing naked in his father’s fridge. Dinner party’s over.

Religion. It’s given people hope in a world torn apart by religion.

Some people drip wax on themselves like a human chianti bottle to see if they feel anything….but getting a wicker basket to fit them is a fiasco

Have you ever heard a blindfolded octopus unwrap a cellophane-covered bathtub?

If Barbie is so popular, why do you have to buy her friends?

The American Dream has become a death sentence of drudgery, consumerism, and fatalism: a garage sale where the best of the human spirit is bartered away for comfort, obedience and trinkets. It’s unequivocally absurd.

A stranger to myself and to the world, armed solely with a thought that negates itself as soon as it asserts, what is this condition in which I can have peace only by refusing to...

Looking at the room, I can tell that you are the most beautiful girl in the room.(In the whole wide room)And when you’re on the street(Depending on the street)I bet you are definitely in the...

I set up a meeting with Tom Morrow and Yes Terday, and I’m afraid I’ll be both a day late and a day early.

Why go to remote parts of the world? If they’re remote, just turn them on and watch them on your couch.

Love takes many forms, but I’ll bet none of them are tax forms. I would work for the IRS, but I’m just not that romantic.

I buy my clothes large, so I feel comfortable gaining weight. When I love, I do it in two sizes—extra large, and refill.

My bathtub is big enough for two people to fit comfortably in separate showers. I’m the kind of lover that Lowe’s home improvement salesmen who are working for commission dream about.

I conceal myself behind cynicism because it’s safe. Camouflage is more protective than body armor. Why do you think the Department of Defense contacted me to design a gun that shoots insults?