To stay or to go, it amounted to the same thing.

I unwrapped my love for her like one might unwrap leftovers. Gotta eat up the old stuff first, as a cannibal might say in a retirement home.

Cats are intended to teach us that not everything in nature has a purpose.

Welcome to,to,to,to,to Stutterville! P,p,p,please have a seat on your own lap.

I’ve decided to donate my arsenal of machine guns to a hunting charity. That should help raze a million bucks.

If I had a last name for a first name, a first name for a last name, and a middle name to wear as a safety harness, I think I’d be much better equipped to...

Don’t sell yourself short—sell yourself medium, because it’s taller. Did you know my love is refillable? For just .99 cents.

How many birthdays can you fit in your lifetime? If you answered “All of them,” you should have your genitals ripped out from underneath your father’s pillowcase.

I don’t like it when I have guests over and my girlfriend doesn’t wear pants and makes sock puppets with stinky socks and does impressions of my visitors with a falsetto voice. It’s embarrassing. I...

The man who has pajamas knitted to match those of his cat, must be a superior lover.” My grandpa died a virgin.

My bedroom is a fridge with a window, because I can’t sleep unless it’s cold. I cuddle like warm meatloaf, but hardly ever with warm meatloaf.

Using a mannequin and some rope, could you ride two bicycles at once? Next time, try three bikes. Then truly love someone, because that’s even harder.

I got you a box full of unfull. I know I shouldn’t have, but that’s why I should have. As a lover, I always leave you hungry for more.

If mannequins had mustaches, I feel there’d be more love in the world. I’ve recently started growing my own vegetables and clothes.

We can’t be lovers because we both have mustaches. But since you’re a lady, and I’m a gentleman, I’ll shave mine off.

I Love Jenn” jacket. Two girls, one continuous love. The I Love Jennifer is a little off-center, but then so am I. Better than being self-centered, as my clone would probably say.

The sides of buildings should be like the tops of lakes. I’d fish through your window hoping to catch a smile.

Death, the great What if.” I dreamt this, but that doesn’t make it any less what iffier.

Love is tender, like the pot roast I’m keeping warm in my shoes.

Through the window yesterday I saw a fool talking to himself, and it made me laugh, until I realized it was a mirrored window.

If given the choice, I’d rather vote for the dog.

I put the sing in single—especially when I’m in the shower. Does anybody have any requests they’d like to shout out while the water’s getting hot? As always, silence all cell phones during the duration...

Life goal: Swim in a lake full of soup, and instead of bathing suits we’ll wear Ziploc bags while we make love like we’re feeding the homeless.

I snorted powdered flamingoes while I pondered love. I sat at the bar two hours waiting for my ice on the rocks to melt so I could drink it and leave, but it was like...

a lover of love.

She asked for soup, and I served her cereal. Our love was in the breakfast stage.

As a balloon expands, so too does my love for you with each passing day. To know how I truly feel about you, look no further than the balloon giraffe.

Manners without sincerity, is called polite society

If you take things the wrong way, be aware of which end is up

I believe there is only one thing to say at this point.”What’s that?”Yee haw,” he said gravely, and took me down like a rodeo calf.

Honey, you’re the one who stopped sleeping with me, OK?It’ll be a year come April 20th. I remember the date exactly, because it was Hitler’s birthday

Some stories have to be written because no one would believe the absurdity of it all.

The absurd does not liberate; it binds. It does not authorize all actions. “Everything is permitted” does not mean that nothing is forbidden.

The humans are dead (I’m glad they are dead)The humans are dead (I noticed, they’re dead)We used poisonous gases (With traces of lead)And we poisoned their asses (Actually, their lungs)Binary solo!0000001, 00000011000000111, 00001111!

It’s so windy tonight the window is rattling. I guess it’s time to turn off my fan and turn on my anti-hurricane machine that’s powered by love.

If instead of saucers, UFOs looked more like breasts, I’ll bet there’d be a lot more people trying to take pictures of them.

Theo named his son Theology. But his son changed it to The O to honor his dad, Orafoura. Orafoura is my dad, he is my son, and we love to love people who are lovable.

If you bulk order enough sound, you get a discount by volume. The guys in the warehouse know me by the codename Helen Keller.

Chew on this fact: nine out of ten people step on bubblegum left by either me or my associates. The tenth person couldn’t step on it because he’s handicapped. But he most assuredly rolled over...

Do they make chin straps with knives attached? If they do, I need one. You can never have too much safety—especially when falling in love today requires wearing a helmet.

I want to drown in all the ink used to write positive things about my clone and how great he is.

You can’t win in love. But if you could, I’d be the clear victor. Vodka is also clear, and I must be drunk.

If you convert a shower curtain to a dress, I’ll wear my waterproof dancing shoes. Together we’ll move so fluidly people will line up to get cleansed.

I’ll sell you a whole half for half price, but that 50% price only has a half-life of a half a day. I’m only doing this because I’m a wholesome guy.

A pancake would make as good of a wheel as I’d make a lover. I would invite you to have a seat on my unicycle, but it’s sticky from maple syrup.

Of all the fish, in all the bars in the world, she had to not walk into mine. Maybe my love isn’t evolved enough for her.

To love someone as much as you love yourself, that is the ideal. Especially if that someone is your clone.

What does it mean to be the best? It means you have to be better than the number two guy. But what gratification is there in that? He’s a loser—that’s why he’s number two.

I like wooden shoes—John Wooden. They are better for playing basketball. Nail them to the hardwood floor for increased shooting efficiency.

I want to protect innocent people from sin by locking them in cages, where the evil can’t get to them.