If love were a variety of dog, I’d want mine hot. I’d take my love with ketchup and mustard.

A picture with one word on it is like a thousand-and-one-word piece of literature. At this rate, I should be done with my million-word novel in about 999 minutes.

My cat stood still like a furry statue. I wanted to go pet it, but I ended up petting a painting instead. Ah, but that’s life, no?

I waste more time trying to save time than I would if I were merely inefficient. One woman told me I make love like a fish in the desert, and I believed her, because she...

I am your Wednesday Sex Meatloaf. At least, I’d like to be. This Tuesday I have a vacancy, if you like leftovers from six days before.

I only like bubble gum if it’s flavored like the bottom of my shoe. I once stepped on my stepdad, but he was dressed like a puddle so it’s not like I’m at fault.

Everything I’ve learned about handshakes is from hands-on experience. Due to hygiene, I only network with rubber glove manufacturers.

Myth, mist, and mystery all add to the illusion of love. If you need me I’ll be by the fog machine wearing a tunic and writing an epic poem in Greek.

When people say, ‘You’re perceived as a sex symbol,’ I love the idea of that because it’s so absurd.

To err is human, to accept full responsibility is to just run with it

TEACHERNext. Hey, Ned exclaimed –STUDENTEy, Ned asclaimed –TEACHERLet’s boil –STUDENTLet’s boil –TEACHERThe wolverines.

If warm air rises, Heaven could be hotter than Hell.

…’Well, I think of you as a straight shooter, Sheriff, but one who can’t stop lustin’ after the goddamn ineffable.'”She said that, hunh?””Yup.””Shitfire, Sheriff, what’d you do?””Well, I shot her.

No people find each other more absurd than lovers

I’m freestylin just on the microphoneOn the BBC, on the BBCI’m just freestylin on the BBCUm British Broadcasting Companyi’m just basically making this shit up as I go alongBasically just freeJust basically from the top...

If I offer you a glass of water, and bring back a cup of ice, I’m trying to teach you patience. And also that sometimes you get ice with no water, and later you’ll get...

I am marvelously absurd in my cloudless thought formation.

His voice is like 999 one-winged vultures, all flapping in unison, while 333 horned frogs croak in protest. My love must sound better to her.

Caution.” This is my advice for love—and for driving while blindfolded, which is safer than love.

I’m wearing my End of the Dance Underwear. They’re soggy. It seems these days everything is saturated with my love for you.

His name is Arnold. But you’re not on a first name basis with him, and that’s not his first name. So that’s Mr. Arnold to you. Once you get to know him, he may let...

A gumble bee is half gum ball, half bumble bee, and it’s so chewy it stings. Makes me want to be a better lover and tractor salesman.

I pet horses and ride cats, because I’m a cowman. I’m too mature to be a cowboy.

Instead of a gun in my holster, I hold cheesy nachos there, for dangerous snacking. Instead of a horse, this cowboy rides a couch.

If I were a Wild West cowboy, I wouldn’t ride a horse—I’d ride a wheelchair. More romantic.

I fell in love like Mondays at noon. Too bad none were around to witness my epic Tuesday. Let’s make Wednesday one last time before you have to Thurday.

Human sperm is liquefied dandelion florets, and an estimated one out of every thousand children are born as flowers. This is an indisputable fact, just as being love can elongate the genitals to cucumber-like proportions....

And as they drifter up their minds sang with the ecstatic knowledge that either what they were doing was completely and utterly and totally impossible or that physics had a lot of catching up to...

The greater absurdities are, the more strongly they evince the falsity of that supposition from whence they flow.

There’s truth and honor in a mustache. And that’s why I started flying one on the flagpole outside of my house.

When the clock reads 3:00, I don’t call it three o’clock, I call it three hundred, and I remember the Spartans. At 3:01, however, I remember what I was doing at 2:59, and I get...

Her love was like cigarette smoke stirred into coffee. I drank it so fast it made me cough, but she’s not offering a refill at any price.

Long before the Theater of the Absurd, Woolrich discovered that an incomprehensible universe is best reflected in an incomprehensible story.(“Introduction”)

I call him by his first name only. We’re that friendly. Plus, with a last name of McGee, why would I ever bother calling him by his full name of Dicksmear McGee?

Helen Kelleresque.

Love isn’t easy. Making love is easy, especially when you’re hard, like I am now. There’s just something about retirement homes that I find erotic.

Rachel got up and did this happy little shuffle, like she was some cheerful farmer chick who’d just stepped outside to find the hick she was in love with coming up the road with a...

I would have made you a cheesecake, but I don’t know how. And I would have bought you a cheesecake, but I have no job and no money. So please accept this stack of coupons...

Love is a lot like bowling, I thought as I drove by a boarded up and abandoned bowling alley. Like the economy, I’ve made a full recovery since we broke up.

I’m taller in tolerance than I am in height. Barely. I’m only 6’3, so I apologize for not being more understanding.

If the love is not madness, then the sex is not insane

I like my coffee like I like myself….making rustling noises inside a burlap bag

I can cross the boundless ocean just to save you, I cannot eat or sleep without you, I can take you on a journey to heaven and show you to the angels. All these are...

It’s a match made in heaven…by a retarded angel.

The telescope destroyed the firmament, did away with the heaven of the New Testament, rendered the ascension of our Lord and the assumption of his Mother infinitely absurd, crumbled to chaos the gates and palaces...

This book (Jarod Kintz’s book) is trash. I mean, I assume it is, because that’s where I found it while scrounging for lunch. However, I must admit that I haven’t read it. I would have,...

I am a personal optimist but a skeptic about all else. What may sound to some like anger is really nothing more than sympathetic contempt. I view my species with a combination of wonder and...

Quick! Hide under my 3:33 am, but don’t pet my 3:33 pm.

I’d rate myself five stars, and those stars would all be fish. My review was of how well I walked on the beach.

I am the Secretary of Secrecy. I’ve got filing cabinets and safes full of Shh! That’s also where I store all my love for you.