The one thing I remember about Christmas was that my father used to take me out in a boat about ten miles offshore on Christmas Day, and I used to have to swim back. Extraordinary....

Support bacteria – they’re the only culture some people have.

They took a baseball batand whacked open his head.Mummy Boy fell to the ground;he finally was dead. Inside of his headwere no candy or prizes,just a few stray beetlesof various sizes.

We call love what binds us to certain creatures only by reference to a collective way of seeing for which books and legends are responsible.

2 minutes in heaven is better than 1 minute in heaven.

I’m an all-the-water-I-can-drink-in-a-flower-vase kind of lover. Roses and batteries sold separately.

Nine out of ten Jarod Kintzes agree that there is only one Jarod Kintz.

There’s a lot of June birthdays in June. There’s also a few in May and July. Reminds me of that one night with April. That was a long month.

I farted five fingers of happy. It was a hot hello.

My closet’s so full of memories and fearful homosexuals that I have nowhere to hang my clothes. Well, that and I don’t know how to tie a noose. I’m making meatloaf on a stick if...

I suppose Orafoura was right about the vagina. It is such a wonderful spot to vacation. I’d recommend taking the whole family.

When I see a poor person I think of me, and then I think, maybe I should pay my clones for all the work they do for me. Then I think, nah, they’re only slaves....

Some people don’t have a lick of common sense. I don’t have a lick of a lollipop. But I do have love on the tip of my tongue, so that’s good.

I’m offering you love on a stick. If you’d like, you can grab it to go. It’s like a popsicle, only it won’t melt if you put it through hell like you did with you...

I’m in the bovine department. That’s where I’ll see a cow wearing a leather jacket. It’s so cold here that I can almost see Putin’s nipples.

19-year ninja veterans are best at representing 16-year-old cave shadows. So let us not delay in making love to the sound of clapping. Though we need no applause for our performance.

I make love like a stampede of camels running down the hallway of the 14th floor of a hotel. That’s also known as hyperbole—and the 13th floor.

Death cannot stop true love. That’s why it’s pointless for me to try to murder all my adoring female fans.

He had a new girl, and I told him she looked like Marilyn Monroe. He smiled because he thought I meant she was beautiful, and I smiled because I meant she looked like a corpse.

I want to create moonglasses, and then write a song called, “I Wear My Moonglasses at Noon.” Hopefully, with a little lunar luck, my track will also feature Corey Hart.

yalt” in loyalty. Well, I don’t know if I’d go that far with it, but yeah, I guess I am a pretty yalty person.

I’d rather have nobody to say anything to, than have nothing to say to anybody.

Lost Mustache. Please do not feed. If found, contact Mouth,” and I left my phone number. Nobody’s called. Perhaps the neighborhood cat lady took it in and is petting it on her lap at this...

I long to belong like a midget longs to be long. Footlong hotdogs are 12 inches too short to take seriously, and I vote with my wallet. Sadly, there are no refunds in politics.

… the more I learned, the more conscious did I become of the fact that I was ridiculous. So that for me my years of hard work at the university seem in the end to...

My vacation wasn’t long enough—and neither was my penis. Two weeks is just too short to satisfy one woman all night long.

Meow.

Taking a break. Been working solid for the last few hours, as opposed to working liquid, which is more drinkable. Can I pour you a glass of productivity?

Grandpa often tells me I dance like my legs are engulfed in flames. I just go out there and put the fire of desire in women’s hearts.

I celebrated Thanksgiving in an old-fashioned way. I invited everyone in my neighborhood to my house, we had an enormous feast, and then I killed them and took their land.

Come Hell or High Water” usually depends on the kind of plug you use in the bath tub

Don Severo dropped his fork, Doña Remedios nearly chocked, but Jesús carried on playing with his food. He’d never really liked broccoli.

I did not marry the first girl that I fell in love with, because there was a tremendous religious conflict, at the time. She was an atheist, and I was an agnostic.

We read the pagan sacred books with profit and delight. With myth and fable we are ever charmed, and find a pleasure in the endless repetition of the beautiful, poetic, and absurd. We find, in...

Remember the Hottentots?” asked James. “They’ve become the Khoi now, which means that the Germans will have to retire that wonderful word of theirs, Hottentotenpotentatenstantenattentater, which means, as you know, one who attacks the aunt...

Bees are strange. Pick them up with your genitals. If you want to succeed, you need to go where no man is willing to go, like the women’s restroom.

I am Fried Quiero Loud Babcock (not bad cock), and I am here for the ranch dressing your father promised my father, 53 years ago. Kindly pour some on my salad and I’ll be on...

I want to be the world’s safest fashion designer. And I always wear my seatbelt, especially when I’m in the car.

My love is popular. It must be, because I never have any. Is it because I don’t produce any, or because I’m always sold out?

I want to be my own wedding singer at my own wedding. But first I’ll have to audition.

Never sit on a freshly painted bench, or stand on a wet wall. That’s a lesson in love I had to learn the sideways way.

If you were to ask me if I have ever loved a woman, I’d probably reply, “Two gallons of milk and a midget.

I wish I had a body like fog or mist, and could move mysteriously. But genetics being what they are, I’m stuck with a body like haze.

I cross country ski on conveyer belts covered with shaved ice. People trying to check out at the grocery store need to show more respect for serious athletes.

Sharks are so sleek and streamlined. I’d make a terrible shark, because my balls are so big and dangly.

I always keep the weather in my pocket, so no matter where I go, I always have something to talk about. Sudden thunderstorms embarrass me.

If you party, then I Ben. I’ve been Benning since the beginning. If this doesn’t make sense to you, then you are not alone. And thank God, because is there any worse feeling than being...

With friends like me, who needs mannequins? My love for you is statuesque. Come, let us dance like we’re made of stone.

I water fake plants, because I’m growing a garden of fake mustaches. Lest no man (or woman) question my ability as a lover.

Great Listener Seeks Mute Woman.