No people find each other more absurd than lovers

I’m freestylin just on the microphoneOn the BBC, on the BBCI’m just freestylin on the BBCUm British Broadcasting Companyi’m just basically making this shit up as I go alongBasically just freeJust basically from the top...

If I offer you a glass of water, and bring back a cup of ice, I’m trying to teach you patience. And also that sometimes you get ice with no water, and later you’ll get...

I am marvelously absurd in my cloudless thought formation.

His voice is like 999 one-winged vultures, all flapping in unison, while 333 horned frogs croak in protest. My love must sound better to her.

Caution.” This is my advice for love—and for driving while blindfolded, which is safer than love.

I’m wearing my End of the Dance Underwear. They’re soggy. It seems these days everything is saturated with my love for you.

His name is Arnold. But you’re not on a first name basis with him, and that’s not his first name. So that’s Mr. Arnold to you. Once you get to know him, he may let...

A gumble bee is half gum ball, half bumble bee, and it’s so chewy it stings. Makes me want to be a better lover and tractor salesman.

I pet horses and ride cats, because I’m a cowman. I’m too mature to be a cowboy.

Instead of a gun in my holster, I hold cheesy nachos there, for dangerous snacking. Instead of a horse, this cowboy rides a couch.

If I were a Wild West cowboy, I wouldn’t ride a horse—I’d ride a wheelchair. More romantic.

I fell in love like Mondays at noon. Too bad none were around to witness my epic Tuesday. Let’s make Wednesday one last time before you have to Thurday.

Human sperm is liquefied dandelion florets, and an estimated one out of every thousand children are born as flowers. This is an indisputable fact, just as being love can elongate the genitals to cucumber-like proportions....

And as they drifter up their minds sang with the ecstatic knowledge that either what they were doing was completely and utterly and totally impossible or that physics had a lot of catching up to...

The greater absurdities are, the more strongly they evince the falsity of that supposition from whence they flow.

There’s truth and honor in a mustache. And that’s why I started flying one on the flagpole outside of my house.

When the clock reads 3:00, I don’t call it three o’clock, I call it three hundred, and I remember the Spartans. At 3:01, however, I remember what I was doing at 2:59, and I get...

If love were a variety of dog, I’d want mine hot. I’d take my love with ketchup and mustard.

A picture with one word on it is like a thousand-and-one-word piece of literature. At this rate, I should be done with my million-word novel in about 999 minutes.

My cat stood still like a furry statue. I wanted to go pet it, but I ended up petting a painting instead. Ah, but that’s life, no?

I waste more time trying to save time than I would if I were merely inefficient. One woman told me I make love like a fish in the desert, and I believed her, because she...

I am your Wednesday Sex Meatloaf. At least, I’d like to be. This Tuesday I have a vacancy, if you like leftovers from six days before.

I only like bubble gum if it’s flavored like the bottom of my shoe. I once stepped on my stepdad, but he was dressed like a puddle so it’s not like I’m at fault.

Everything I’ve learned about handshakes is from hands-on experience. Due to hygiene, I only network with rubber glove manufacturers.

Myth, mist, and mystery all add to the illusion of love. If you need me I’ll be by the fog machine wearing a tunic and writing an epic poem in Greek.

When people say, ‘You’re perceived as a sex symbol,’ I love the idea of that because it’s so absurd.

To err is human, to accept full responsibility is to just run with it

TEACHERNext. Hey, Ned exclaimed –STUDENTEy, Ned asclaimed –TEACHERLet’s boil –STUDENTLet’s boil –TEACHERThe wolverines.

If warm air rises, Heaven could be hotter than Hell.

…’Well, I think of you as a straight shooter, Sheriff, but one who can’t stop lustin’ after the goddamn ineffable.'”She said that, hunh?””Yup.””Shitfire, Sheriff, what’d you do?””Well, I shot her.

This book (Jarod Kintz’s book) is trash. I mean, I assume it is, because that’s where I found it while scrounging for lunch. However, I must admit that I haven’t read it. I would have,...

I am a personal optimist but a skeptic about all else. What may sound to some like anger is really nothing more than sympathetic contempt. I view my species with a combination of wonder and...

Quick! Hide under my 3:33 am, but don’t pet my 3:33 pm.

I’d rate myself five stars, and those stars would all be fish. My review was of how well I walked on the beach.

I am the Secretary of Secrecy. I’ve got filing cabinets and safes full of Shh! That’s also where I store all my love for you.

The Federal Reserve was created after a 1913 meeting in Jekyll Island, Ga that was so secret it wasn’t discovered until Orafoura began cleaning out his underwear drawer in 1982.

We shouldn’t eat raw food. In fact, we probably shouldn’t even be listening to the radio. Too much nudity soaking in through our ears.

I’m into extreme sports. Well, just one—cuddling.

A circular table that spins around is a great way to make a romantic dinner for two with three people less awkward. I’ll pay for myself, I promise.

The thirstiest bird is surely the swallow. My love is so fluid I’ll bet drinking it would give you the gift of flight.

Her coming alone made me want to Mannequin all over myself, but I managed to contain myself like a microwave dinner. Sometimes love is frozen until you get off your sofa to take action.

I’m late to dinner, but I’m early to being in love. I’m such a gentleman that I hold every door open—even if the guy sitting in the bathroom stall is protesting.

I knew something was there, precisely because I hadn’t found anything and the space seemed empty. That’s also how I’m searching for love.

If loving someone is putting them in a straitjacket and kicking them down a flight of stairs, then yes, I have loved a few people.

I love the sound of the trees in the breeze. If the forest is so clearly musical, why can’t it play the guitar while I sing Nirvana covers?

I have good news and I have bad news. The good news is that your house hasn’t burned down, you don’t have cancer, and your daughter hasn’t been raped or murdered. The bad news is...

A guy I grew up with recently died. I attended his funeral, but only because I thought there’d be free food afterwards. I brought to-go boxes with me. You know, to remember him for as...

Her love was like cigarette smoke stirred into coffee. I drank it so fast it made me cough, but she’s not offering a refill at any price.

Long before the Theater of the Absurd, Woolrich discovered that an incomprehensible universe is best reflected in an incomprehensible story.(“Introduction”)