Dear Edmond,While you were sleeping this afternoon, I was busy hustling around town. You see, when I woke up early this morning to clean the apartment for the party tonight, I noticed that all your...

My love is three times as deep as you voted for. You thought it was two feet deep, but it’s six feet deep, like a grave.

I’m a fan of Meatloaf. He has a voice like it’s covered in thick gravy. There’s nothing better to make love to, with the possible exception of grandma’s casserole.

If I were hairy, would you vacuum my chest before we made love? I’d probably have enough chip crumbs in it to feed the homeless, because I’m a charitable kind of guy.

Your washing machine is my bathtub. Every time I see you my heart spins with desire. YA by nosit’ Moskvu shtany dlya vas, kak drozh’ babushki. (I’d wear Moscow as pants for you, like a...

Knocking on a door is so violent. Instead, try talking to the door to get it to open up to you. I should write a self-help book for door-to-door salesmen.

My boxers have salad dressing stains on them, and my dishwasher is broken. I’ll make dinner for you, if you clean up afterwards.

I’m too two for my taste. I want to be more one, more of a winner. If I start thinking like a champion, maybe I’ll start cheating like one.

If you don’t fall down now and again, it just means the training wheels are working

I have a keen sense of the oblivious

You keep seeing your picture on posters that you are missing but you’re not. That’d be weird, right? Or say you look down at the sidewalk and earthworms are spelling your name. Or you open...

I came home one night, some month ago, and I went to the closet in my bedroom…and a moth ate my sports jacket. He was laying on the floor, nauseous, y’know.

No! Please! I’ll tell you whatever you want to know!” the man yelled. “Really?” said Vimes. “What’s the orbital velocity of the moon?””What?””Oh, you’d like something simpler?

Humans are creatures, who spent their lifes trying to convince themselves, that their existence is not absurd

He had too much to think about. In the course of his long, useless marches he had sunk deeper and deeper into the tangle of his botched life as into a clump of brambles, and...

My son was 32 when he died. -Degrees? So he froze to death, huh?

The other day I tried to design a finish line, but I didn’t know where to start. So I just sat there and drank Gatorade. Ah, but that’s life, no?

Pet my 3:33 pm like it’s a beard. Live it, but don’t lick it.

When all else fails, there’s always delusion.

You know what’s a chain reaction? The direct relationship between how fast I pedal, and how fast my bicycle travels. I’m the kind of lover who notices the small details, like the fact that my...

I wash my hair with strawberry jelly, because my favorite thing to eat for breakfast is lunch. It’s never too late to love someone, but sometimes it is too early.

1-12, how many Decembers does it take to sell thirteen to Mr. Fourteen and Mr. Months? Depends on how much love you throw in for free.

I was on my way to being on my way when I noticed a rainbow. That’s when I got out my fishing net to try to catch some trout.

Do you not like mayonnaise ice cream? What if the mayonnaise ice cream had mustard on top? I keep a hotdog in my pocket to highlight my enthusiasm for you.

An Alabama-faced man with a Georgia body once told me I had the smile of an Emily. That made me grin, which is definitely not how an Emily would react, so I knew it couldn’t...

I’ll bet you make love like an orca whale sings opera. How do you make love? Bjork Orca asked me. Like an orca whale sings opera, only with more wetness, more shattered glass, and less...

I make love like I make coffins—with my bare hands, alone in my garage. On sale through Thursday—Buy One Funeral, Get A Second One Free!

It’s true, I can’t make you love me. But I can refuse to let you out of your cage.

I want to write my own eulogy, and I want to write it in Latin. It seems only fitting to read a dead language at my funeral.

I was nervous. Like an ice cube, I just froze up. Then I melted in some strange guy’s drink.

My favorite unit of time is the hour, because I collect them and store as many as 10 new and unused ones each night to use after I’m dead. The best time to make love...

My armpits are not only rank, but they’re ranked number one in customer satisfaction. Try them for free or your money back.

This book has nothing to do with cats. Or mice. Or self-motivation. This book is 100% 50% finished. But don’t worry, I finished the good half. But don’t be mistaken—the good half isn’t good at...

Our sex smelled like love—and monetary transaction. Whatever we had, it was politics at its most honest.

I make love with the accuracy of Joe Montana, and from a distance of up to 100 yards.

I make love like a backseat, not on a backseat. I’m both in motion, yet stationary. I would encourage you to encourage your mom to buckle up.

I’m an only child, and therefore I gave birth to my parents, because if it weren’t for me, they wouldn’t even be parents.

Why, look at me. I’ve worked my way up from nothing to a state of extreme poverty.

Are you tired, irritable, or suffering rom heartburn? Ask your doctor if my love is right for you. 9 out of 10 doctors agree that 9 out of 10 is 90%.

I like being absurd. Being silly.

When you’re out in the wilderness and get back to base camp only to discover sleeping bag turndown service….that’s no chocolate on the pillow

TEACHERNext. I am afraid –STUDENTI em afred –TEACHERWe are out –STUDENTWee are out –TEACHEROf badgers.STUDENTOf badjurs.TEACHERWould you accept –STUDENTWud you accept –TEACHERA wolverine –STUDENTA wolver-eene –TEACHERIn its place?

When I was a kid we had a sandbox. It was a quicksand box. I was an only child…eventually.

Just because you’re beautiful and perfect, it’s made you conceited.

If at first the idea is not absurd, then there is no hope for it.

BRETShe looked like a Parisian river..JEMAINEWhat, dirty?BRETShe looked like a chocolate eclair..JEMAINEThat’s rare.BRETHer eyes were reflections of eyes..JEMAINEOhh, nice.BRETAnd the rainbows danced in her hair..JEMAINEOh yea.BRETShe reminded me of a winter’s morning..JEMAINEWhat, frigid?BRETHer perfume was...

A tickle, an itch, and a scratch walk into a bar while I was in the corner drinking a thermos full of epidermis, and I thought, this must be what love feels like.

I’ve got a piece of the American Dream. I don’t have a house, but I do have a new chandelier. Now I just have to build a house around it.

If somebody were to ask me what it means to me to be American, I’d respond, “It’s like eating scrambled eggplant with a dozen 1969 moons sunny side up at noon.” If they asked me...

A road that’s narrower than the width of my car’s wheels could only be lover’s lane. Hitchhikers make the best lovers.