Are you in any way qualified?Yes? No? It doesn’t matter. In America, “Qualification” is simply an attitude. I’ve adopted it. So, yes. I am qualified.

Entertainment is business: the business of fucking art in the face.

The other thing you can do is write a strong personal essay which lets admissions people inside your life, your heart, and your world….Anyway, it can be hard to figure out what to write about,...

Boys have penises and girls have vaginas. If they touch at the wrong time, you can make a baby or die.

High School: Oh, man. This is where boys and girls go from tweens to teens and become complicated and cruel. Girls play sick mind games; boys try to pull each other’s penises off and throw...

Before going home with a guy, give him a blow job. Guys are always more relaxed after a blow job. (You’re totally welcome, guys. P.S. Girls can’t see this sentence!!!!!)

Sports bars are also a great place for guys to meet other guys–either for sex or for wrestling, whichever feels more right.

Prom night can be a special night, if you let it be. I know you think it’s for losers and something that popular kids do because they are boring people with porcelain hearts who don’t...

Some PR is about getting information about a great product or thingy out to the people who would enjoy it, while other PR is about creating a web of lies that conceals the fact that...

Never give in to peer pressure, especially if the peer is not attractive.

Of course, to avoid getting stuck in that convo with someone you dislike or feel uncomfortable around, don’t be passive, be proactive. Do not let them direct your interaction on their terms, do it on...

Do whatever you want. Break stuff, touch your penis or boobs to anything, whatever.

Over the years I’ve received thousands of e-mails looking for guidance. Some have real problems; some talk about monkeys and poo–though those people may also have real problems.

Most bullies are the product of a stressful and often abusive home life. Next time a bully threatens or attacks you, just yell, ‘Don’t abuse me like your parents abuse you!’ Then call children’s services...

If things are really overwhelming and you need to talk, you can give me a call at 347-273-2044.

Think of me as an impetuous Hegel, drunk with power, and also, regular drunk.