Hurry up! Do it – get it done. You got work to do. Don’t put this off and don’t take the long view. Life is today and tomorrow, and if you are lucky, may be...

A lovely thing about Christmas is that it’s compulsory, like a thunderstorm, and we all go through it together.

Evelyn was an insomniac so when they say she died in her sleep, you have to question that.

A girl in a bikini is like having a loaded gun on your coffee table- There’s nothing wrong with them, but it’s hard to stop thinking about.

My God, rich people have the time to praise You if they want to, but the poor people are so busy, accept their work as praise because, my God, they don’t have time for everything.

I believe in looking reality straight in the eye and denying it.

Sex is good, but not as good as fresh sweet corn.

Some luck lies in not getting what you thought you wanted but getting what you have, which once you have it you may be smart enough to see is what you would have wanted had...

Marrying for sex is like flying to London for the free peanuts and pretzels. It’s not the point of the thing, is it?

Mr. Gary Keillor visited at the home of Al and Florence Crandall on Monday and after lunch returned to St. Paul, where he is currently employed in the radio show business… Lunch was fried chicken...

Nothing you do for children is ever wasted.

And then I stand in front of God’s Throne squinting up at His blazing glory and He says, ‘You had your opportunities, boy. But did you listen? No. You went on heedlesly reading that garbagey...

Don’t worry about the past and don’t try to figure out the future

A young writer is easily tempted by the allusive and ethereal and ironic and reflective, but the declarative is at the bottom of most good writing.

The rich can afford to be progressive. Poor people have reason to be afraid of the future.

Just because we’re fictional characters doesn’t mean you can pick us up and move us anywhere you want.–the people of Lake Woebegon

That’s the news from Lake Woebegon, where all the women are strong, all the men are good-looking, and all the children are above average.

Anyone who thinks sitting in church can make you a Christian must also think that sitting in a garage can make you a car.

When you wage war on the public schools, you’re attacking the mortar that holds the community together. You’re not a conservative, you’re a vandal.

I ran a constant low fever waiting for my ride to come and take me away to something finer. I lay in bed at night, watching the red beacon on top of the water tower,...

Cats are intended to teach us that not everything in nature has a purpose.

I used to think that kid might become a preacher. Now I don’t see how he’s going to stay out of prison. Nobody in this family ever went to prison for sex crimes. He’d be...

You get old and you realize there are no answers, just stories.

When in doubt, look intelligent.

What would people think?’Jesus said that people think all sorts of things. The human mind is like a cloud of gnats. Constant motion. That’s why you have to look at the heart.’Oh,’ said Grandpa.

It is a sin to believe evil of others but it is seldom a mistake.

The French have a new president, the British will soon have a new P.M., and we envy them as we endure the endless wait for this small dim man to go back to Texas and...