A brick could be used as a replacement for an erection. Hey, I did it in the early 2000s, and I gave birth to the housing bubble. Well, I didn’t literally give birth to it,...

It’s now 4:17 am, and I just got done dealing with Mrs. Indianapolis, of Indiana. She’s a regular here, and she accompanies her husband on all his business meetings. When I say business meetings, I...

Even on the most solemn occasions I got away without wearing socks and hid that lack of civilization in high boots

No, that is meant to inform you. I am your computer not your nanny.

Dill was in hearty agreement with this plan of action. Dill was becoming something of a trail anyways, following Jem about… He only grew closer to Jem. (Lee 55)

For some stories, it’s easy. The moral of ‘The Three Bears,’ for instance, is “Never break into someone else’s house.’ The moral of ‘Snow White’ is ‘Never eat apples.’ The moral of World War I...

Pe domnul Van der Hoph însă c nd îl văd îmi vine să-l m ng i pe cap, ca pe un băiețel. Cred că altceva trebuie să inspire un bărbat.

A blanket could be used to understand Understanding. At least I think so. The process is complicated, and really hard to understand.

Gin is a confusing drink. It’s the only liquid that’s both wet and dry.

Pray, v. To ask that the laws of the universe be annulled in behalf of a single petitioner, confessedly unworthy.

There are many other little refinements too, Mr. Bohlen. You’ll see them all when you study the plans carefully. For example, there’s a trick that nearly every writer uses, of inserting at least one long,...

they’ll match the lemonade.” I make love like an Arnold Palmer, but not like Arnold Palmer.

One of my father’s RULES FOR LIFE was to marry a woman who was smarter than you. “I did this,” he would say to me, “and you should do it, too. I say, why do...

but if Yale joined us, there would be.

A blanket is a shield, blocking out the breeze, and an insulator, keeping in body heat.

I want to make something of myself. I believe it’s called a statue.

RADICALISM, n. The conservatism of to-morrow injected into the affairs of to-day.

She said my glasses made me look like a butch jock’s locker room bitch.

I drive as fast as four tire swings hanging from a tree branch in the middle of winter. I also make love with as much speed and rotation.

…and now over to our foriegn allegory correspondant, Barv Tweezman.” ~The Shielding of Mortimer Townes

I wanted desperately to get all hot and sweaty with this guy, but I knew from experience that hormones affected my sensibilities like alcohol or pot. In the throes of passion I tend to vow...

I need a bone saw—for the meatloaf I made for you, which looks suspiciously like a brick. The gravy is a blanket.

Who is it?” And without delay or reply, the person on the other side of the door is to find a new job.

I don’t know what I’d do without you. There’s no one else to look after me. And it’s not just that. I sometimes think you’re the only person who really knows me. I only feel...

I don’t know. They haven’t been in school for a while.

We made love like two folding lawn chairs. We were both motionless, but the possibility of movement permeated the moment.

The problem with a life spent reading is you know too much.

Starting over is not a sign of failure. I look at it this way: A person enrolled at the wrong life college, underwent some hellish classes, passed a lot of difficult tests, majored in perspective,...

After scolding one’s cat one looks into its face and is seized by the ugly suspicion that it understood every word. And has filed it for reference.

If you pick the place, I’ll pick the date.” She wants Paris, and I want March 5th 2082.

Nearly everywhere I’ve been, popular wisdom has it that the location of humanity’s original planet is unknown, mysterious. In fact it isn’t, as anyone who troubles to read on the subject will discover, but it...

Missing you is worse than Pittsburgh.

She said she had to leave in four minutes. I said, Great! Let’s have sex twice.

Unicorns are not real, though we still dream about them! DREAM ON!

Beware Stephen! There will probably be a magical combat of some sort. I daresay I shall have to take on different forms – cockatrice, raw head and bloody bones, rains of fire, etc., etc. You...

Never get old. It’s a ridiculously uncomfortable process Ath Creator should be made to find a cure for.

I don’t think I’d come off well on TV. But if you ever see me on, my advice is to add more bleach and keep scrubbing the screen.

Fine! I’ll throw on some clothes. Turn around. I’m in my pj’s””I’m a guy. That’s like asking a kid not to glance at the candy counter.

Sam’s hand brushed her shoulder, and she almost jumped out of her skin as he brought his mouth close to her ear and murmured, “You look beautiful. Though I bet you already know that.” She...

I am your Wednesday Sex Meatloaf. At least, I’d like to be. This Tuesday I have a vacancy, if you like leftovers from six days before.

Well, you finally got me,” Helen had whispered to him, tearfully, but Garp had sprawled there, on his back on the wrestling mat, wondering who had gotten whom.

You think the nurse stole it? She looked shady.

The ones who constantly make us laugh are the hardest of friends to know – for comedians are the caricatures among us.

God gave man feet for which to walk. And crush grapes. Can I get you a glass of wine? It’s homemade, though it kind of smells funky.

[Home Economics Textbook from 1950]: “Prepare yourself. Take fifteen minutes to rest so you’ll look refreshed when hubby comes home from work. Touch up makeup and put a ribbon in your hair. He’s just been...

Just a little off the top!”- A. Boleyn

I used to think Romeo and Juliet was the greatest love story ever written. But now that I’m middle-aged, I know better. Oh, Romeo certainly thinks he loves his Juliet. Driven by hormones, he unquestionably...

You’ve been one busy worm!

JAQUES: Rosalind is your love’s name?ORLANDO: Yes, just.JAQUES: I do not like her name.ORLANDO: There was no thought of pleasing you when she was christened.

Karo kann sehr gut schießen. Sie trifft nur nicht immer.