I’ve been on a diet for two weeks and all I’ve lost is two weeks!”-Totie Fields-

Only love will attract love.

I was making pancakes the other day and a fly flew into the kitchen. And that’s when I realized that a spatula is a lot like a fly swatter. And a crushed fly is a lot like a blueberry. And a roommate is a lot like a fly eater.

If the weight comes from bacon you can so deduct it off the scale total to get your true weight. #science

Love is as we will it to be.

Check my riddle, and I’ll let you play my fiddle.

Sort of’ is such a harmless thing to say… sort of. It’s just a filler. Sort of… it doesn’t really mean anything. But after certain things, sort of means everything. Like… after “I love you”… or “You’re going to live”… or “It’s a boy!

In my book an erection constitutes personal growth.

Good man and bad man with money goes a long ways.

No one ever thinks about the guy who was raised by the guy who was raised by wolves.

maybes”.’ ‘Maybe,’ I said. ‘But if what I’m saying is correct …

But despite these and many other differences, Evan and Heeb had become close friends – an improbability that could have been produced only by the even greater improbabilities that brought them together.

So…Now that we got that over with, let’s get back to love at first sight, Evan said. Not infatuation at first sight…Love. With a capital L, he clarified.Love? Heeb asked, playfully pretending not to know the concept.Yeah. The real thing. The conviction that if you had this one woman, all other women would become irrelevant....

You all watched a sketch about feminism and you didn’t even know it because of all the jokes. It’s like when Jessica Seinfeld puts spinach in kids’ brownies. Suckers!

[T]he definition of ‘crazy’ in show business is a woman who keeps talking even after no one wants to fuck her anymore.

It wasn’t enough that I had to worry about playing well and winning the game, but I also had to deal with possibility that one of my teammates could be dragged off the field by the inhabitants of the mental hospital.

Ever since the robot was first invented, there have been people who swear up and down that this marks the first step towards the fall of man … To be fair, their arguments are backed with scientific fact taken from documentary films such as The Terminator, The Matrix, and RoboCop.

Take the universe and grind it down to the finest powder and sieve it through the finest sieve and then show me one atom of justice, one molecule of mercy. and yet… and yet you act as if there is some ideal order in the world, as if there is some… some rightness in the...

You can’t fight hatred with hatred and expect anyone to listen to you. You can only try to lessen it with humor, wit, truth and commonsense. If that doesn’t work run like hell, while they throw rocks at you.

DEMETRIUSRelent, sweet Hermia: and, Lysander, yieldThy crazed title to my certain right.LYSANDERYou have her father’s love, Demetrius;Let me have Hermia’s: do you marry him.

CASSIO: Dost thou hear, my honest friend?CLOWN: No, I hear not your honest friend, I hear you.CASSIO: Prithee, keep up thy quillets.

Comedy has to be based on truth. You take the truth and you put a little curlicue at the end.

You know when you send a text message to someone and you don’t get a response right away, you feel depressed? You send a text message to someone you really like and you get a response right away you feel happy? You feel happy, the body, it creates the chemical dopamine, the dopamine, it goes...

He stopped to rest at a cart selling nuts and candy, bought himself some Jelly Belly’s, flirted just enought with the Mexican cutie working there to convince her pull out the banana-flavored one. Although he liked his Jelly Belly’s mixed up, he didn’t like banana, but, since it took too much effort to pull them...

All Internet comedy is niche comedy. If you do an Internet video about Halo, every Halo fan will send it to every other Halo fan. But if you did an episode of a network comedy that parodied Halo, most of your audience wouldn’t even get it.

You must be clever, Tracey to do these forgeries.””She’s not clever. I did them,” yelled Frieda.”You’ll get five years.””She did them.”From Halfpennies and Blue Vinyl

He shook his head. “The next time I hear a women going on about how neurotic men are, I’m going to remember this. You tell me you like my body, and what do I say? I say, thank you. Then I tell you I like yours and what do I hear? A long lists of...

Toasting a witch”, St John replied.

…his knees were held together by the skin-tight trousers, which consequently narrowed the aperture through which great quantities of malodorous, rancid dreck were shortly to emerge with great force. St John knew that this was likely to prove troublesome. Although his mid-morning bab was usually undertaken in a more perfunctory manner, he would still have...

A huge meringue with polio who drives everywhere in a beautifully restored Hillman Imp.

There was Arctic John, a businessman from Salisbury who doesn’t hold water, Bruce Knott, a social worker from Cumberland who spends his lunch hour picking his bum, and Judith Glycerine, the reformation pig.

Run. Flee. Fuck off. Vanish from my presence and take the foul stench of your sordid secret with you.

A lot of people do comedy about India, but they’re not from India. It’s a Kwik-E-Mart perspective. I want to provide a genuine view and maybe one on how we see the West.

A Christine Lavin show combines music, comedy, knitting, twirling, a little science and education, some audience participation, and a whole lot of fun. She often holds knitting circles in her dressing room before the show, and the audience is always invited – that’s what really inspired this fundraiser.

I enjoy doing physical comedy.

Ain’t nothing going to eat you while Bubba’s around.” Caleb laughed. “They might toy with him for a bit but he won’t let any past.” Caleb to Nick.”Is something wrong?” Nick to Bubba”Nah… I just…” Bubba nervous.”Please, God, Bubba, tell me you’re not about to ask me out, are you?” Nick to Bubba.Bubba made a...

It’s great extremes which leads to great drama and great comedy.

I’m gonna be percy Jackson when I grow up,” she told Hazel solemnly.Hazel Smiled and ruffled her hair. “That’s a good thing to be, Julia.””Although,” Frank said. “Frank Zhang would be good too.

Nobody who is a Penn & Teller fan thinks of us first and foremost as magicians, but as a comedy team.

All You Need Is Love” in homage to their memory.

I wouldn’t be caught dead sacrificing myself for this country.

Have you ever noticed how good things go to those who hate?

Finally, we entered Chetaube County, my imaginary birthplace, where the names of the little winding roads and minuscule mountain communities never failed to inspire me: Yardscrabble, Big Log, Upper, Middle and Lower Pigsty, Chicken Scratch, Cooterville, Felchville, Dust Rag, Dough Bag, Uranus Ridge, Big Bottom, Hooter Holler, Quickskillet, Buck Wallow, Possum Strut … We always...

Drama and comedy, to me ,are all about being surprising, coherent, and true, all at once.

I like the rain. It washes memories off the sidewalk of life.

You will be so dead, dear Sister. Make telpon dari tadi kayak Kroasia ada di sebelah Jakarta aja. Huahahaha

When people get into their 30s plus “boyfriend” sounds weird…if you really think about it. Instead, I think we should universally start using the term “manfriend” or “snookie bookie cuddles pie”.

Well, bloody noses.” I hug his coat tighter. “Those are definitely hot.

What’s happened is somewhere, along the line, as a society, we confused the notion of ‘home’ with the possibility of ‘an investment opportunity’. What kind of creature wants to live in an ‘investment opportunity’? Only man.The fox has his den. The bee has his hive. The stoat, has, uh… his stoat-hole… but only man chooses...

The medium is the message, the message is encrypted, and the encryption key is controlled by NSA.