John Adams warned of the division of America into two great political parties. Luckily, the parties we ended up with are mediocre at best.

We can’t all be comedians, some people have to do the laughing.

I’ve been on a diet for two weeks and all I’ve lost is two weeks!”-Totie Fields-

Comedy is a great tool. We are trying to find ways to use humor to enlighten people without preaching to them.

I was making pancakes the other day and a fly flew into the kitchen. And that’s when I realized that a spatula is a lot like a fly swatter. And a crushed fly is a...

You know… the word “homeless”, gives you this very negative image. A filthy raggedy hobo… it’s no good. It’s too demeaning of a word if you ask me. It’s just not politically correct enough… If...

If the weight comes from bacon you can so deduct it off the scale total to get your true weight. #science

If this comedy thing doesn’t work out, I’ve always got poverty to fall back on.

Sort of’ is such a harmless thing to say… sort of. It’s just a filler. Sort of… it doesn’t really mean anything. But after certain things, sort of means everything. Like… after “I love you”…...

No one ever thinks about the guy who was raised by the guy who was raised by wolves.

Check my riddle, and I’ll let you play my fiddle.

Comedy is, of course, closely associated with eggs.

You make terrible, terrible plans.” “Hey, ” I protested. “One of my plans caught you didn’t it?” “Yeah, but you meant to catch Sean.” He took his hand off my shoulder. I waved his concerns...

I’m lucky I’m a comedian, ’cause otherwise my life would just be a series of undocumented low points.

I do not know what it was about that boy but just looking at him, even I wanted to clout him on the head. It was a head that invited violence.

When they say “no preparation necessary,” do they mean to prepare isn’t necessary, or that it’s necessary to not prepare?

Motivational Secret of the Week: There are no menial jobs. But you’re welcome to check back next month.

Rather than continue kicking the can down the road, let us gather up the can, and deposit it in a roadside trash receptacle.

I love Earth Day, when once each year people of different backgrounds and faiths gather together to bury an environmentalist alive.

Secret 16913011. Better a CIA front than a CIA backside.

If debates accomplished anything, there wouldn’t be a need for intelligence agencies.

CIA analysis: the too soon joke that predates the event.

Too bad for a lot of people that beauty isn’t skin wide

Naked intelligence officer (‘nā-kəd in-‘te-lə-jən(t)s ‘ä-fə-sər)1 : an intelligence officer in a state of undress 2 : an intelligence officer whose cover has been compromised3 : an intelligence officer, in reality fully clothed, disguised as...

Holy shit, he was harder that a rod of steel, and as his leg ground out a torturous rhythm between my thighs, I realized I was hotter than spring in Seattle.This was not a dream,...

Ever notice that phrenologists have funny-shaped heads?

Drama and comedy, to me ,are all about being surprising, coherent, and true, all at once.

COBOL er i dag uten tvil verdens mest brukte høynivå programmeringsspråk. Det har vært i kontinuerlig bruk siden den første kompilatoren så dagens lys i 1960. En rekke versjoner av COBOL er blitt standardisert og...

A Christine Lavin show combines music, comedy, knitting, twirling, a little science and education, some audience participation, and a whole lot of fun. She often holds knitting circles in her dressing room before the show,...

On the other side of St John’s house is a fake egg timer who can’t maintain an erection. He shares the property with a glossy beef burger called Tom, who has been painted by a...

CASSIO: Dost thou hear, my honest friend?CLOWN: No, I hear not your honest friend, I hear you.CASSIO: Prithee, keep up thy quillets.

Ever since the robot was first invented, there have been people who swear up and down that this marks the first step towards the fall of man … To be fair, their arguments are backed...

I really love comedy and weirdly enough, I love how my journey has ended up. I get to laugh all day long.

I remember seeing ‘Spinal Tap’ at a young age and being like, ‘That’s how you perform comedy.’

Reckoner Super Plan for Killing Regalia…Step One: find Regalia, then totally explode her. Lots and Lots.Step Two: put Val on decaf.Step Three: Mizzy gets a cookie.

Some people fight fire with fire. I’ve found water to be more effective.

Baumauer wants a life in which he cannot be belittled, judged or controlled by worse men.

I started out with comedy in college, but had my major in Recreation Administration – which meant I wasn’t going to get a real job – so I started doing a little standup.

I was just thinking… isn’t it lucky that we decided to become co-editors? If one takes a blow to the head, the other can fill in. If the other’s lung spontaneoulsy collapses, the one can...

The ones who constantly make us laugh are the hardest of friends to know – for comedians are the caricatures among us.

You know you’re a hot mess when the only person buying you drinks all night is yourself.

At least one way of measuring the freedom of any society is the amount of comedy that is permitted, and clearly a healthy society permits more satirical comment than a repressive, so that if comedy...

Today you are You, that is truer than true. There is no one alive who is Youer than You.

Noble starets, tell me, are my high spirits offensive to you or not?” Fyodor Pavlovich suddenly exclaimed, gripping the arms of his chair with both hands and appearing ready to leap out of it, depending...

Abstain from reading comedy or other government economic statistics.

When you walk,go different roads that take you nowhere,and see your world.

I’d love to do all types of film, not just comedy, although I love comedy.

Sure I eat my feelings, but I save the emotional roller coaster for dessert

But in terms of satire and comedy, our biggest and earliest influence was Mad magazine.

As soon as you have made a thought, laugh at it.