If the weight comes from bacon you can so deduct it off the scale total to get your true weight. #science

I’ve been on a diet for two weeks and all I’ve lost is two weeks!”-Totie Fields-

I was making pancakes the other day and a fly flew into the kitchen. And that’s when I realized that a spatula is a lot like a fly swatter. And a crushed fly is a...

Comedy is a great tool. We are trying to find ways to use humor to enlighten people without preaching to them.

No one ever thinks about the guy who was raised by the guy who was raised by wolves.

Check my riddle, and I’ll let you play my fiddle.

Sort of’ is such a harmless thing to say… sort of. It’s just a filler. Sort of… it doesn’t really mean anything. But after certain things, sort of means everything. Like… after “I love you”…...

If this comedy thing doesn’t work out, I’ve always got poverty to fall back on.

You know,” Kavita begins, “I think I can pick out my own furniture. I am an artist after all. I do have some taste.””No you don’t.” Nick plainly states. “No man has taste. Besides, I...

Love is as we will it to be.” ~ Amunhotep El Bey

I worked in accounting for two and a half years, realized that wasn’t what I wanted to do with the rest of my life, and decided I was just going to give comedy a try.

I went from an unemployed actor’s life to doing stand-up comedy, and that was fortuitous. It’s not the usual way the crow flies, going from being in a TV sketch show to playing one of...

Baumauer secretly fears Kalist – and Kalist knows it.

I don’t think being a comedian gives you any fucking insight into what makes people laugh.

I am a huge fan of the show, and I’m very picky with my comedy. I don’t get to do comedy very often, and when they asked me, I jumped at the opportunity. I was...

Well, what do you know? Fakespeare!

Sometimes I wonder how I got into comedy at all.

At times we were criticized for doing too much slapstick. I don’t believe in mild comedy, and neither does Lucy.

…you’re either gonna spend your life fucking pussy, or taking it to church.

Comedy works best when people recognise themselves.

The point of tantric sex was supposedly to harness sexual energy to awaken higher consciousness. It was just like yoga, but way more fun.

I was hoping that the appeal of the show would stretch beyond the anglophile and comedy-obsessed.

You gonna do somethin’? Or are you just gonna stand there and bleed?

here’s why I take comedies seriously: they present and celebrate the world in which we survive our own and others’ mistakes, follies, transgressions, and deep sins. However lightly, dimly, or bleakly, comedies revel in our...

Because I’m not really certain she’d make the best travel partner through a zombie-infested city, he hissed. She gets confused by Scrabble.

Facebook should start publishing breakup stories. ‘So and so and so and so are no longer in a relationship.’ With a tombstone next to it.

In college, my teachers were usually after me for going after comedy too much, leaning too much in that direction.

I couldn’t have made a better shot, if I had been one of those detectives who see a chap walking along the street and deduce that he is a retired manufacturer of poppet valves named...

Roses are red, Violettes are bllue,Valentines day is consumerous crap,now don’t you have ironing to do”Unlikely thing to read in a valentines day card

There are many other little refinements too, Mr. Bohlen. You’ll see them all when you study the plans carefully. For example, there’s a trick that nearly every writer uses, of inserting at least one long,...

Secret 80916003. If it doesn’t hurt when they snatch it, it isn’t worth dangling.

The rain in Ukraine falls mainly on the insane.

When you’re still typing ‘whilst,’ someone else has already finished typing ‘while.

Here’s a creepy web trick: do a Google image search on ‘my grandma.’ … It’s her, isn’t it?

If you can’t be with the √-1 you love, love the √-1 you’re with.

The Central Intelligence Agency is a CIA front.

Secret 737160022162. It’s unthinkable only to the extent it’s doable.

I didn’t come from a broken home – more like deliberately imploded.

When my mother passed away several years ago—well, wait a minute. Actually, she didn’t ‘pass away.’ She died. Something about that verb, ‘to pass away’ always sounds to me as if someone just drifted through...

Some parts of the Bible I find a little troubling. For example, if Jesus really believed in nonviolence, why did He destroy the Death Star?

She had her own barometer for knowing when a man was getting too close: as soon as he felt comfortable enough to help himself to something in her refrigerator, he was history….Filching leftover was simply...

I’d like a bit of a crack at some kind of anarchic comedy, but whether or not I’m skillful enough at it all, we’ll see.

Childhood is either absurdly superficial or profoundly shitty. There’s no in-between. Anyone who reminisces about their happy childhood is delusional.

Poetry is only the highest eloquence of passion, the most vivid form of expression that can be given to our conception of anything, whether pleasurable or painful, mean or dignified, delightful or distressing. It is...

This particular event had been somewhat more raucous than usual as Derek Jameson had just lost an arm wrestle with Ann Diamond. The match was the second semi-final of the morning after Belinda Carlisle had...

He stopped to rest at a cart selling nuts and candy, bought himself some Jelly Belly’s, flirted just enought with the Mexican cutie working there to convince her pull out the banana-flavored one. Although he...

Some stories have to be written because no one would believe the absurdity of it all.

So…Now that we got that over with, let’s get back to love at first sight, Evan said. Not infatuation at first sight…Love. With a capital L, he clarified.Love? Heeb asked, playfully pretending not to know...

There are 3 reasons for why you can’t beat me. First, I’m better looking than you are. Second, your blows are too light. And third, there’s nothing in the world I can’t tear up.

I didn’t wait for Luck. I raced after it with a truck.