If the weight comes from bacon you can so deduct it off the scale total to get your true weight. #science

John Adams warned of the division of America into two great political parties. Luckily, the parties we ended up with are mediocre at best.

We can’t all be comedians, some people have to do the laughing.

I’ve been on a diet for two weeks and all I’ve lost is two weeks!”-Totie Fields-

Comedy is a great tool. We are trying to find ways to use humor to enlighten people without preaching to them.

I was making pancakes the other day and a fly flew into the kitchen. And that’s when I realized that a spatula is a lot like a fly swatter. And a crushed fly is a...

You know… the word “homeless”, gives you this very negative image. A filthy raggedy hobo… it’s no good. It’s too demeaning of a word if you ask me. It’s just not politically correct enough… If...

Check my riddle, and I’ll let you play my fiddle.

Comedy is, of course, closely associated with eggs.

If this comedy thing doesn’t work out, I’ve always got poverty to fall back on.

Sort of’ is such a harmless thing to say… sort of. It’s just a filler. Sort of… it doesn’t really mean anything. But after certain things, sort of means everything. Like… after “I love you”…...

No one ever thinks about the guy who was raised by the guy who was raised by wolves.

I ejaculated about ten minutes ago and the stuff was black. So everything is not normal.”Silence greeted that happy little announcement. Man, if he had hauled off and sucker-punched V, he would have gotten less...

This is the funniest book I’ve ever held in my hands. –Dave Barry, Pulitzer Prize winning humorist and author says about Radical Sabbatical

That bloody bastard! That thrice accursed son of a bitch!

This is my heart on CRACK.” Robin when she sees Creek

Don’t do it! Stay away from your potential. You’ll mess it up, it’s potential, leave it. Anyway, it’s like your bank balance – you always have a lot less than you think.

Enjoy the tiny unexplainable second. You can learn whatever you want.

Doing comedy is one of the best gifts in life.

Love is the canvas covering the furniture that you’ve become a part of

You do develop a taste as an actress: Chekhov, Ayckbourn: it’s the combination of comedy and human drama. I would never want to do anything without comedy.

Calling a book “Young Adult” is just a fancy way of saying the book is censored. People used to say they like to read books about romance, true crime, comedy, horror or science fiction. But...

In summers, after 1 hour of extreme gaming you can use your laptop to iron your shirt.

“Oof!” Adam caught me all right, with the side of his head. I could tell by the feel of his skull on my foot as I kicked him. He grabbed me the best he could...

And then split his own cranium in half. I would like to see you do that yourself Blore. It would take some practice.

If you don’t want to tear off the clothes of the person you’re on a date with and jump into bed with them, then what’s the point? I’d never date; instead, I’d have lots of...

My asset looked more dead than alive – which, given that he was dead, lent the scene a certain credibility. – [context classified]

It’s a moot point whether your ass needs kicking, if kicking needs your ass.

Texting depersonalizes communication, rendering human interaction one dimensional. But there are downsides to texting too.

Remember, a lot can’t happen on Facebook since you last logged in as long as you’re logged in to Facebook.

Motivational Secret of the Week: Aim for the stars – even if you miss, you may hit an executive producer.

I stand behind my words – it’s just hard to see me because they’re so much bigger than I am.

The Seven Habits of Highly Cleared People1. 2. 3. 4. 5. 6. , or refer to Habit 7.7.

When it comes to working with heads of state, my preferred variety is the titular.

In real life, espionage and sex have so little to do with one another that for all practical purposes they could be married.

Comedy’s so subjective, and if someone comes to watch, doesn’t get it, doesn’t find it funny, then fine.

He was a humorist, and everyone knew the funny writers were the most serious sort under their skins.

Every Friday is black where I work.

Home. The word circled comfortably in my mouth like bubble gum, swished around sweetly soft and satisfying. Home. Try saying it aloud to yourself. Home. Isn’t it like taking a bite of something lovely? If...

The truth is what we say it is…prove to me this desk is not a cow!

Detective Inspector Eccles sighed. He may ordinarily have met his sigh with the question of why the newly appointed Superintendent Dickinson was turning up to this late hour crime scene, he may also ordinarily question...

I try to play serious scenes a little funny and the comedy a little serious.

DEMETRIUSRelent, sweet Hermia: and, Lysander, yieldThy crazed title to my certain right.LYSANDERYou have her father’s love, Demetrius;Let me have Hermia’s: do you marry him.

I found I had the ability to do comedy. My timing was really inborn.

It’s a lot of work and I also feel like I’ve done it. I miss comedy. And I also think that, from purely a logistical standpoint, that the day-to-day schedule on a comedy allows you...

I moved out to L.A. to be a filmmaker or director. I didn’t even think about doing comedy or even acting. I wanted to be like Paul Thomas Anderson or Wes Anderson, but I wasn’t...

You know, stand-up comedy is where I pretty much started out.

I love to do comedy.

Baumauer has been lured into the exhausting habit of supplying Kalist with ever more exceptional quality work just to appease him and often survives all day and all evening without food, but Maxwell D. Kalist...

The hard core of morality and even of religion seems to me to be just what makes good comedy possible…Where there is no norm, nothing can be ridiculous, except for a brief moment of unbalanced...