Check my riddle, and I’ll let you play my fiddle.

So…Now that we got that over with, let’s get back to love at first sight, Evan said. Not infatuation at first sight…Love. With a capital L, he clarified.Love? Heeb asked, playfully pretending not to know the concept.Yeah. The real thing. The conviction that if you had this one woman, all other women would become irrelevant....

Hard,” she replied.

Having had virtually no contact with the outside world for the last few weeks, Evan had temporarily forgotten the social norms governing shopping conduct or approaching celebrities in public.

maybes”.’ ‘Maybe,’ I said. ‘But if what I’m saying is correct …

But despite these and many other differences, Evan and Heeb had become close friends – an improbability that could have been produced only by the even greater improbabilities that brought them together.

You all watched a sketch about feminism and you didn’t even know it because of all the jokes. It’s like when Jessica Seinfeld puts spinach in kids’ brownies. Suckers!

[T]he definition of ‘crazy’ in show business is a woman who keeps talking even after no one wants to fuck her anymore.

It wasn’t enough that I had to worry about playing well and winning the game, but I also had to deal with possibility that one of my teammates could be dragged off the field by the inhabitants of the mental hospital.

Ever since the robot was first invented, there have been people who swear up and down that this marks the first step towards the fall of man … To be fair, their arguments are backed with scientific fact taken from documentary films such as The Terminator, The Matrix, and RoboCop.

Take the universe and grind it down to the finest powder and sieve it through the finest sieve and then show me one atom of justice, one molecule of mercy. and yet… and yet you act as if there is some ideal order in the world, as if there is some… some rightness in the...

You can’t fight hatred with hatred and expect anyone to listen to you. You can only try to lessen it with humor, wit, truth and commonsense. If that doesn’t work run like hell, while they throw rocks at you.

DEMETRIUSRelent, sweet Hermia: and, Lysander, yieldThy crazed title to my certain right.LYSANDERYou have her father’s love, Demetrius;Let me have Hermia’s: do you marry him.

CASSIO: Dost thou hear, my honest friend?CLOWN: No, I hear not your honest friend, I hear you.CASSIO: Prithee, keep up thy quillets.

Comedy has to be based on truth. You take the truth and you put a little curlicue at the end.

You know when you send a text message to someone and you don’t get a response right away, you feel depressed? You send a text message to someone you really like and you get a response right away you feel happy? You feel happy, the body, it creates the chemical dopamine, the dopamine, it goes...

He stopped to rest at a cart selling nuts and candy, bought himself some Jelly Belly’s, flirted just enought with the Mexican cutie working there to convince her pull out the banana-flavored one. Although he liked his Jelly Belly’s mixed up, he didn’t like banana, but, since it took too much effort to pull them...

All Internet comedy is niche comedy. If you do an Internet video about Halo, every Halo fan will send it to every other Halo fan. But if you did an episode of a network comedy that parodied Halo, most of your audience wouldn’t even get it.

He shook his head. “The next time I hear a women going on about how neurotic men are, I’m going to remember this. You tell me you like my body, and what do I say? I say, thank you. Then I tell you I like yours and what do I hear? A long lists of...

You must be clever, Tracey to do these forgeries.””She’s not clever. I did them,” yelled Frieda.”You’ll get five years.””She did them.”From Halfpennies and Blue Vinyl

Toasting a witch”, St John replied.

…his knees were held together by the skin-tight trousers, which consequently narrowed the aperture through which great quantities of malodorous, rancid dreck were shortly to emerge with great force. St John knew that this was likely to prove troublesome. Although his mid-morning bab was usually undertaken in a more perfunctory manner, he would still have...

A huge meringue with polio who drives everywhere in a beautifully restored Hillman Imp.

There was Arctic John, a businessman from Salisbury who doesn’t hold water, Bruce Knott, a social worker from Cumberland who spends his lunch hour picking his bum, and Judith Glycerine, the reformation pig.

Run. Flee. Fuck off. Vanish from my presence and take the foul stench of your sordid secret with you.

A lot of people do comedy about India, but they’re not from India. It’s a Kwik-E-Mart perspective. I want to provide a genuine view and maybe one on how we see the West.

Okay, now I know your yanking my chain. Pigs will fly before Blake would ask for our help.” Rhoan”Better start ducking those flying piggies then, bro, because I’m totally serious.” Riley

You know… the word “homeless”, gives you this very negative image. A filthy raggedy hobo… it’s no good. It’s too demeaning of a word if you ask me. It’s just not politically correct enough… If it were up to me, I’d rather we be called “residentially challenged

Le 99%, c’est moi.

My wife says she would never fake an orgasm – but if I want her to, she’s willing to fake faking one.

There is no future. You’ll see.

Whoever invented the 360-degree feedback method was thinking outside the box, but not outside the circle.

The statements I provided under oath were not false, they were substantially mispronounced.

Intelligence Forecast of the Week. Coming soon: the bloodiest film ever – nothing but close-ups of red blood cells, plasma and platelets.

Always write your signature move in disappearing ink.

CIA. Global, mobile, with a cause that’s noble.

Regifting is its own rereward.

Wish you were here” on the back, where exactly are you saying you wish they were?

Intelink is the apocalypse it was created to help the Intelligence Community prevent.

When it comes to working with heads of state, my preferred variety is the titular.

Twas Thomas Edison did declare that waste is worse than loss yet never thought it fit to pare his first name to Tomás

Even if I did create them myself, I still think I’m doing pretty well under the circumstances.

As long as espionage is less expensive than remotely controlling people’s brains, CIA will continue to remotely control people’s brains.

May your assets be twice as loyal to you as you are to them.

I stand behind my words – it’s just hard to see me because they’re so much bigger than I am.

I believe the examination of body image issues is important and valuable – particularly the swimsuit issue.

Secret 18033-3. If the key to her heart is 128 bits or greater, you’re probably wasting your time.

Anything worth doing is worth neither confirming nor denying having done.

It’s just CIA being CIA.

Except for briefings after lunch, CIA does not practice torture.