If the weight comes from bacon you can so deduct it off the scale total to get your true weight. #science

John Adams warned of the division of America into two great political parties. Luckily, the parties we ended up with are mediocre at best.

We can’t all be comedians, some people have to do the laughing.

I’ve been on a diet for two weeks and all I’ve lost is two weeks!”-Totie Fields-

I was making pancakes the other day and a fly flew into the kitchen. And that’s when I realized that a spatula is a lot like a fly swatter. And a crushed fly is a...

Comedy is a great tool. We are trying to find ways to use humor to enlighten people without preaching to them.

You know… the word “homeless”, gives you this very negative image. A filthy raggedy hobo… it’s no good. It’s too demeaning of a word if you ask me. It’s just not politically correct enough… If...

Sort of’ is such a harmless thing to say… sort of. It’s just a filler. Sort of… it doesn’t really mean anything. But after certain things, sort of means everything. Like… after “I love you”…...

If this comedy thing doesn’t work out, I’ve always got poverty to fall back on.

No one ever thinks about the guy who was raised by the guy who was raised by wolves.

Check my riddle, and I’ll let you play my fiddle.

Comedy is, of course, closely associated with eggs.

Here’s the thing about Jews in Hollywood. Not to stereotype, but the Jews I know here are the funniest, most self-deprecating people I know. And it’s rare to find a Jew that is actually offended...

I’m not into those kind of rivalries. I remember standing out in front of Stratford, minding my own business. Carload of about eighty kids would pull up: ‘STRATFORD SUCKS!’ Am I supposed to run after...

I.O. was kind of like comedy high school. Everybody knows each other, dated each other, performed together, lived together – so there’s a lot of history among a lot of people.

Comedy is tragedy that happens to other people.

I’m warning you because you’re young and vulnerable. He’s a dirty, lying, conniving piece of shit and he’s dangerous.” Gottfried Baumauer.

I had never before been a special fan of that great comedian Phyllis Diller, but she utterly won my heart this week by sending me an envelope that, when opened, contained a torn-off square of...

I fart in your general direction.

Why are we here?” Plastic… asshole.

You barbarians!’ he yelled. ‘I’ll sue the council for every penny it’s got! I’ll have you hung, drawn and quartered! And whipped! And boiled…until…until…until…until you’ve had enough.’Ford was running after him. Very very fast.’And then...

I’d say I’ve gone to grad school for comedy being on ‘Community.’

Being an authorized user generates more of a risk than a reward. You are putting your credit in the hands of others. The previous statement implies their mistakes, now becomes yours! – The Credit Repair...

Even as zombies, ridiculous prom gowns were the downfall of teenage girls, crippling them at the knees.

Well I beat things around with my stick once in awhile.

Have a pleasant evening with your cows.”Cows?She was merely trying to provoke him, Dain told himself. The remark was a pathetic attempt at a setdown. To take offense was to admit he’d felt the sting....

It could be worse… It could be raining

VIVA LA VIE BOHEME!

It’s early on a beautiful winter morning. The house is quiet. The sun is shining. I’m thankful. I’m happy. My cup runneth over. Now there’s coffee everywhere.

People who do comedy are always underrated because they make it look so easy.

There’s something about courting the darkness that makes some people see the truth in raw, twisted ways, as though they were shining a black light on life to illuminate the absurdity of it all. Comics...

Bicky rocked, like a jelly in a high wind.

To call that writing, madam, is an insult to quills and ink across the world.

So, what you’re basically telling me is death is boring but no worse than hanging out with family.

I support zero tolerance. But I draw the line at negative integers.

That still small voice within sure seems to refuse to confirm or deny a lot.

FORTUNECOOKINT of the Week: The paper this fortune is printed on contains more nutrients than the cookie it came in.

Dorothy Parker said “Ducking for apples – change one letter and it’s the story of my life.

Freedom without discipline is chaos. Discipline without freedom is tyranny. Therefore, freedom with discipline is tyranny and chaos.

Secret 5.56.45. The scar confirms the beauty, the beauty the scar.

There’s a little bit of James Angleton in every CIA officer. Counterintelligence implants a portion of Angleton’s DNA inside us when we EOD.

I can’t hear the phrase ‘Bay of Pigs invasion’ without thinking of bacon.

The height of your position on it notwithstanding, the fact is you’re still living on a hog.

If you don’t hire me, it doesn’t matter anywayBut if you hire me, the answers are all classified

What’s happened is somewhere, along the line, as a society, we confused the notion of ‘home’ with the possibility of ‘an investment opportunity’. What kind of creature wants to live in an ‘investment opportunity’? Only...

In every tragedy, an element of comedy is preserved. Comedy is just tragedy reversed.

I wouldn’t be caught dead sacrificing myself for this country.

The Element of Surprise is their in every day,It’s when you wake up.

A Christian telling an atheist they’re going to hell is as scary as a child telling an adult they’re not getting any presents from Santa.

All Internet comedy is niche comedy. If you do an Internet video about Halo, every Halo fan will send it to every other Halo fan. But if you did an episode of a network comedy...