I’ve been on a diet for two weeks and all I’ve lost is two weeks!”-Totie Fields-

I was making pancakes the other day and a fly flew into the kitchen. And that’s when I realized that a spatula is a lot like a fly swatter. And a crushed fly is a lot like a blueberry. And a roommate is a lot like a fly eater.

Only love will attract love.

Every great summer song was recorded the previous winter.

If the weight comes from bacon you can so deduct it off the scale total to get your true weight. #science

Love is as we will it to be.

Check my riddle, and I’ll let you play my fiddle.

Sort of’ is such a harmless thing to say… sort of. It’s just a filler. Sort of… it doesn’t really mean anything. But after certain things, sort of means everything. Like… after “I love you”… or “You’re going to live”… or “It’s a boy!

In my book an erection constitutes personal growth.

Good man and bad man with money goes a long ways.

No one ever thinks about the guy who was raised by the guy who was raised by wolves.

I like the rain. It washes memories off the sidewalk of life.

You will be so dead, dear Sister. Make telpon dari tadi kayak Kroasia ada di sebelah Jakarta aja. Huahahaha

The medium is the message, the message is encrypted, and the encryption key is controlled by NSA.

Ever notice that phrenologists have funny-shaped heads?

Well, bloody noses.” I hug his coat tighter. “Those are definitely hot.

When people get into their 30s plus “boyfriend” sounds weird…if you really think about it. Instead, I think we should universally start using the term “manfriend” or “snookie bookie cuddles pie”.

What’s happened is somewhere, along the line, as a society, we confused the notion of ‘home’ with the possibility of ‘an investment opportunity’. What kind of creature wants to live in an ‘investment opportunity’? Only man.The fox has his den. The bee has his hive. The stoat, has, uh… his stoat-hole… but only man chooses...

Okay, now I know your yanking my chain. Pigs will fly before Blake would ask for our help.” Rhoan”Better start ducking those flying piggies then, bro, because I’m totally serious.” Riley

You know… the word “homeless”, gives you this very negative image. A filthy raggedy hobo… it’s no good. It’s too demeaning of a word if you ask me. It’s just not politically correct enough… If it were up to me, I’d rather we be called “residentially challenged

Except for briefings after lunch, CIA does not practice torture.

Some parts of the Bible I find a little troubling. For example, if Jesus really believed in nonviolence, why did He destroy the Death Star?

As a conservative, while I oppose the invasion of privacy, I fully support the privatization of that invasion.

My very first job was at McDonalds. In that job I learned an important principle: When something goes wrong at work, blame the guy who gets killed.

The possession of facts is knowledge; the use of facts is wisdom; the creation of facts is covert action.

All my memories seem to happen to music. Memories of my mother and father; waking up early on Christmas morning; the little apartment we lived in above the disco.

It’s just CIA being CIA.

Twas Thomas Edison did declare that waste is worse than loss yet never thought it fit to pare his first name to Tomás

Intelligence Forecast of the Week. Coming soon: the bloodiest film ever – nothing but close-ups of red blood cells, plasma and platelets.

Always write your signature move in disappearing ink.

CIA. Global, mobile, with a cause that’s noble.

How about a compromise: everybody leave the toilet seat at 45 degrees.

Don’t worry, the situation is undercontrolled

The height of your position on it notwithstanding, the fact is you’re still living on a hog.

In real life, espionage and sex have so little to do with one another that for all practical purposes they could be married.

Intelligence Forecast of the Week: Quantum physicists will discover that the hokey pokey is actually more than what it’s all about.

Any first-year analyst can tell you what’s happening. But it takes a seasoned intelligence professional to show that nothing’s happening at all.

You’re so vain, I bet you think this Special National Intelligence Estimate is about you.

Wish you were here” on the back, where exactly are you saying you wish they were?

Intelink is the apocalypse it was created to help the Intelligence Community prevent.

When it comes to working with heads of state, my preferred variety is the titular.

Regifting is its own rereward.

Le 99%, c’est moi.

My wife says she would never fake an orgasm – but if I want her to, she’s willing to fake faking one.

There is no future. You’ll see.

I feel small when I stand beside the ocean, next to all those fat people in bathing suits.

It isn’t he who laughs last, but he whose laugh lasts.

Indie band names would make better song titles; indie song titles would make better band names.

Is this safe for work, and is this safe for work? – CIA security officer, examining employee’s personal safe with racy calendar attached

Texting depersonalizes communication, rendering human interaction one dimensional. But there are downsides to texting too.