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Comedy  Quotes
If the weight comes from bacon you can so deduct it off the scale total to get your true weight. #science

—Michelle M.

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BaconComedyDiet
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John Adams warned of the division of America into two great political parties. Luckily, the parties we ended up with are mediocre at best.

—John Alejandro King

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ComedyFunnyHumor
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We can’t all be comedians, some people have to do the laughing.

—Mokokoma Mokhonoana

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ComediansComedyLaughter
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I’ve been on a diet for two weeks and all I’ve lost is two weeks!”-Totie Fields-

—David DeBacco

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ComedyDietJokes
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Comedy is a great tool. We are trying to find ways to use humor to enlighten people without preaching to them.

—Trevor Noah

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ComedyEnlightenFind-Ways
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I was making pancakes the other day and a fly flew into the kitchen. And that’s when I realized that a spatula is a lot like a fly swatter. And a crushed fly is a...

—Demetri Martin

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ComedianComedyDemetri-Martin
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You know… the word “homeless”, gives you this very negative image. A filthy raggedy hobo… it’s no good. It’s too demeaning of a word if you ask me. It’s just not politically correct enough… If...

—Nobuyuki Fukumoto

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BumComedyHobo
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Comedy is, of course, closely associated with eggs.

—Harlan Tarbell

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ComedyEggs
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If this comedy thing doesn’t work out, I’ve always got poverty to fall back on.

—Trevor Noah

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ComedyFall-BackFall-Back-On
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Sort of’ is such a harmless thing to say… sort of. It’s just a filler. Sort of… it doesn’t really mean anything. But after certain things, sort of means everything. Like… after “I love you”…...

—Demetri Martin

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ComedianComedyEquivocation
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No one ever thinks about the guy who was raised by the guy who was raised by wolves.

—Demetri Martin

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ComedyDadsHumor
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Check my riddle, and I’ll let you play my fiddle.

—Zack Love

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ComedyDatingFunny
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Sam: I’ve never considered myself a finicky eater. No pie ever crossed my path and survived.

—Jaime Reed

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Comedy
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My day jobs… I knew I was bad at those, so I didn’t really have the confidence to think that I could do comedy. But I knew I hated the day jobs.

—Dave Attell

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ComedyConfidenceKnew
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Misery comes to miser; joy comes to wiser. (A Very Hot Cup of Tea, Empathy)Juvenile invites, youth tries, adult applies, and the old man dies. (A Straw Man, Empathy)In everyone, there lives a superhero. (The...

—D.R. Mirror

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ComedyDeath-And-DyingEmpathy
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I’m sorry Sam, but it’s past time for a musical intervention here. You can’t keep listening to this stuff. It wasn’t even remotely good when it was popular, and it certainly hasn’t gained anything over...

—Debra Dunbar

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Air-SupplyComedyDemon
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Displacement of ‘What goes around, comes around’ is Zero.

—gaurav rao

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ComedyDisplacementFunny
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Express yourself, Express your life, Express the Moment, Live the life.

—Jerril Thomas

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ArtBiographyBusiness
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Use Jesus Motor Fuel—Put a savior in your tank!

—John H. Matthews

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AmericaChicagoComedy
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The only honest art form is laughter, comedy. You can’t fake it…try to fake three laughs in an hour — ha ha ha ha ha — they’ll take you away, man. You can’t.

—Lenny Bruce

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ArtComedyLaughter
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I hate McDonald’s. I don’t want to order my dinner by yelling into a clown’s mouth. If I want my face in a clown’s mouth, I’ll tongue kiss Glenn Beck.

—Joan Rivers

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ComedyKissLife
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If you put any effort into anything you do and have a strong sense of self to the point where you don’t even question your choices before you walk out of the house— you’re a...

—Jen Kirkman

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ComedyFunnyWeird
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As a comedian, the more you commit the sin of stupidity, three essential things happen to your life:~people applaud you incessantly.~love you more than their parents.~give you a daily bread.

—Michael Bassey Johnson

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Son,” he said, “you monkeyed up.

—Jennifer Echols

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AdamAdam-VaderBoys-Next-Door
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I ground my teeth. “Just when I thought I was getting a handle on this whole Dark One/demon lord/imp thing, you go and throw knockers into the mix. I’m going to have to request that...

—Katie MacAlister

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Alice-In-WonderlandComedyLimit
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I will say you could always look at ‘Looney Tunes’ and learn about writing. I think you can learn a lot about the beats of comedy. I think you can find out about awkward pauses,...

—Jim Rash

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AwkwardComedyLearn
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The best protection against identity theft is bad credit

—Johnny Corn

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ComedyCreditFunny-But-True
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Pictures in women’s self-defense books never show women kicking other women. The idea is to leave something to the imagination.

—John Alejandro King

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ComedyFunnyHumor
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Motivational Secret of the Week: Dare to dream of dreaming daringly.

—John Alejandro King

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ComedyFunnyHumor
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Scaling doesn’t scale.

—John Alejandro King

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ComedyFunnyHumor
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It’s beginning to look like the reports of that Chinese search vessel hearing ‘a ping’ may have been a mistranslation.

—John Alejandro King

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ComedyFunnyHumor
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If the CIA isn’t a force for truth, what is it good for? (Truth, I mean, not the CIA.)

—John Alejandro King

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ComedyFunnyHumor
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Why do we assume space aliens will be less emotional than us? What if they’re more emotional? All that hugging could get old pretty quick.

—John Alejandro King

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ComedyFunnyHumor
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Always write your signature move in disappearing ink.

—John Alejandro King

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ComedyFunnyHumor
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Birds don’t sing after a storm, they sing before the next one.

—John Alejandro King

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Secret 2791716. You can only scandalize people on their own terms.

—John Alejandro King

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Death is complicated.”-Johann Kraus

—John Arcudi

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B-P-R-DBprdComedy
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Paradigm shift: does that come before swing shift or after?

—The Covert

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ComedyFunnyHumor
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Cause if you shoot a bullet someone dies. If you drop a bomb many die. You hit a woman, love dies. But if you say the F-word… nothing actually happens.

—Richard Curtis

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ComedyDeathFuck
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THAT’S IT!” Terminus cried. “That’s AGAINST THE RULES!”Polybotes frowned, obviously confused that he was being told off by a statue. “What are you?” he growled. “Shut up!”He pushed the statue over and turned back to...

—Rick Riordan

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ComedyFiction-FantasyHumour
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Comedy is the art of making people laugh without making them puke.

—Steve Martin

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ComedyHumor
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There was Arctic John, a businessman from Salisbury who doesn’t hold water, Bruce Knott, a social worker from Cumberland who spends his lunch hour picking his bum, and Judith Glycerine, the reformation pig.

—St John

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ComedyHumourNon-Sequitur
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To Fred, those years seemed to pass like quickly skimming a book and then finding the ending wasn’t what he expected. He wished he’d paid more attention to the story.

—Sarah Addison

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ComedyMagic-RealismThriller
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That night’s show was watched by ten million people, so I guess that director at The Second City who said the audience “didn’t want to see a sketch with two women” can go shit in...

—Tina Fey

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BossypantsComedyTina-Fey
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I shall now express my utter disgust and anger with you through the piano.

—Akira Sasanuma

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AphAustriaComedy
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Stand-up comedy is a raunchy profession.

—Aziz Ansari

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ComedyProfession
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I really, really enjoy comedy. I think that’s one of my strong suits. It’s my zone. And people don’t expect it from me, which is a whammy.

—Bar Paly

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ComedyEnjoyStrong
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Do short people reach their full potential quicker?

—Benny Bellamacina

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ComedyHumorLife
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You are a more powerful person than you might have ever imagined.” Maxwell D. Kalist.

—Carla H. Krueger

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Adult-FictionAnti-UtopiaBad-Manager
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You’re a fat cunt and you can’t add up to save your life.” Dimitri Pissec.

—Carla H. Krueger

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Adult-FictionAnti-UtopiaBad-Manager
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