I’ve been on a diet for two weeks and all I’ve lost is two weeks!”-Totie Fields-

Comedy is a great tool. We are trying to find ways to use humor to enlighten people without preaching to them.

I was making pancakes the other day and a fly flew into the kitchen. And that’s when I realized that a spatula is a lot like a fly swatter. And a crushed fly is a...

You know… the word “homeless”, gives you this very negative image. A filthy raggedy hobo… it’s no good. It’s too demeaning of a word if you ask me. It’s just not politically correct enough… If...

If the weight comes from bacon you can so deduct it off the scale total to get your true weight. #science

John Adams warned of the division of America into two great political parties. Luckily, the parties we ended up with are mediocre at best.

We can’t all be comedians, some people have to do the laughing.

If this comedy thing doesn’t work out, I’ve always got poverty to fall back on.

Sort of’ is such a harmless thing to say… sort of. It’s just a filler. Sort of… it doesn’t really mean anything. But after certain things, sort of means everything. Like… after “I love you”…...

No one ever thinks about the guy who was raised by the guy who was raised by wolves.

Check my riddle, and I’ll let you play my fiddle.

Comedy is, of course, closely associated with eggs.

Why is the poem called ‘The Road Not Taken,’ when it’s about the road that was taken?

This would be a comedy of errors if the impact on human lives were not so tragic. How many more missing forms are there lost in the system? How many other errors have not been...

Nobody ever goes to that store to shop because it’s too crowded.

My style of comedy is very real and bittersweet, and sort of always on the verge of kind of being tragic.

I was considered a comedy magician. And – how do I put this without sounding egotistical? – it didn’t take me long to realize that comedy magicians usually couldn’t do comedy or magic.

He said they’ve literally set up a camp across the street from the hotel and they have signs and bullhorns and the kind of Christian attitude that makes God puke.

I’m not aspiring to be someone else – If I’m me for the rest of my life then so be it

Hard,” she replied.

One should never give up on hope. Unless that’s the name of the girl who cheated on you in which case, yeah, give her up.

Usually, comedy shows only influence other comedy shows. ‘M*A*S*H’ is one of the few comedies that influenced dramatic shows as well.

Funny is funny is funny.

Live your life as a novel with a daring, awesome main character; otherwise you’re just there for comic relief.

Every time I so much as blink you get an erection.

I think comedy as an art involves the audience as a participant as much as is involves the artist.

One book that I read called Comedy Writing Secrets ‘ by Helitzer made a great point. He said that most of being funny is the CHARACTER and not the jokes.

It’s like a fairy tale. . . on crack!

The best way to get a drink out of a Vogon is to stick your finger down his throat.

An actor who is good at comedy can also be very good at drama, but not necessarily vice versa.

Allegedly, allegedly I say, the R.G.A. were extremely miffed of portrait painted of their monarch, King Tingaling XX, by Master. Portrait apparently, as it’s yet t’be unveiled, depicts King Tingaling XX in rather compromisin’ position...

I felt bad for the girls in my school, who flocked to prom like it was the second coming of Christ, complete with double-rainbows and unicorns.

I think comedy is drama, often. It’s hard to have comedy over a period of time – commercials are one thing, but over a period of time – comedy and tragedy go hand in hand.

Everyone says it’s wrong, ‘drinking and driving’, don’t they. I can tell you two things that are far more dangerous than ‘drinking and driving’: 1. ‘drinking’; 2. ‘driving’.Do you know how many people were killed...

Every few months I’ll pop into a comedy club or go to Vegas.

Pamela, I’m in love with you. Yeah, it’s that bad. You’re so beautiful to me. Shut up! Lemme tell you. Let me. Every time I look at your face or even remember it, it wrecks...

Build mutual friendships. Just be ready to end them when your friends start trying to eat you.

Modern-Day Parenting is no joke. For starters, no one takes you seriously unless you have a fancy parenting style. Tiger Mom, Helicopter Mom, Organic Mom and on and on. I’ve decided to go with L-Board...

“He loved her…It was noble of him. It was beautiful.”-“It was stupid.

Excuse me, I must go and putt

you’ll be a danger to the ladies soon.”Harry very nearly rolled his eyes. Sebastian had already made conquests of nearly all the girls in the village near Hesslewhite. He must give off some sort of...

I go to a lot of stand-up comedy. I find more inspiration from observational stuff than from rap.

The meaning of life is XXXXXXXXXXX… Redaction mark? What redaction mark?

People who are needed by people who need people aren’t the luckiest people in the world.

A good plan today is better than a perfect plan tomorrow? Trying your good plan tomorrow is the perfect plan today.

Motivational Secret of the Week. When the dancing starts, don’t worry about what others will think of you, just get up and leave.

The Norman conquest forever changed English from a mix of bad German and bad Latin, to a mix of bad German, bad Latin, and bad German-Latin.

It may be to die for, but is it to die and be risen again as one of the undead, doomed to wander soulless through all eternity for?

Whoever invented the 360-degree feedback method was thinking outside the box, but not outside the circle.

Secret 46. Safe house, dangerous bedroom.