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Comedy  Quotes
If the weight comes from bacon you can so deduct it off the scale total to get your true weight. #science

—Michelle M.

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BaconComedyDiet
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John Adams warned of the division of America into two great political parties. Luckily, the parties we ended up with are mediocre at best.

—John Alejandro King

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ComedyFunnyHumor
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We can’t all be comedians, some people have to do the laughing.

—Mokokoma Mokhonoana

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ComediansComedyLaughter
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I’ve been on a diet for two weeks and all I’ve lost is two weeks!”-Totie Fields-

—David DeBacco

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ComedyDietJokes
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Comedy is a great tool. We are trying to find ways to use humor to enlighten people without preaching to them.

—Trevor Noah

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ComedyEnlightenFind-Ways
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I was making pancakes the other day and a fly flew into the kitchen. And that’s when I realized that a spatula is a lot like a fly swatter. And a crushed fly is a...

—Demetri Martin

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ComedianComedyDemetri-Martin
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You know… the word “homeless”, gives you this very negative image. A filthy raggedy hobo… it’s no good. It’s too demeaning of a word if you ask me. It’s just not politically correct enough… If...

—Nobuyuki Fukumoto

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BumComedyHobo
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If this comedy thing doesn’t work out, I’ve always got poverty to fall back on.

—Trevor Noah

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ComedyFall-BackFall-Back-On
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Sort of’ is such a harmless thing to say… sort of. It’s just a filler. Sort of… it doesn’t really mean anything. But after certain things, sort of means everything. Like… after “I love you”…...

—Demetri Martin

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ComedianComedyEquivocation
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No one ever thinks about the guy who was raised by the guy who was raised by wolves.

—Demetri Martin

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ComedyDadsHumor
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Check my riddle, and I’ll let you play my fiddle.

—Zack Love

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ComedyDatingFunny
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Comedy is, of course, closely associated with eggs.

—Harlan Tarbell

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ComedyEggs
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There is a thin line that separates laughter and pain, comedy and tragedy, humor and hurt.

—Erma Bombeck

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ComedyHumorHurt
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The dog ran into the kitchen, stuck his nose in Grandma’s crotch, and snuffled.Dang,” Grandma said. “Guess my new perfume really works. I’m gonna have to try it out at the seniors meeting.

—Janet Evanovich

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I really enjoy laughing at work, and I find that it’s easier to do that when you’re shooting a comedy.

—Natalie Zea

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ComedyEnjoy
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It isn’t easy to create a drama infused with comedy, and ‘Psych’ just knocks it out of the park.

—Jeff Wachtel

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I really don’t want to do anything that resembles stand-up comedy. But I will agree to say that I am doing it, and I will hope that people expect it to be that, so I...

—Lucas Neff

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ComedyExpect
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I blame Chennai. Pointless neighbourhood gossip travels faster than tsunami alerts around here. I know that aunties are a universal problem but this city is particularly aunty dominated. And by that, I mean, even many...

—Judy Balan

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AOAN LOVES LOKI.

—Jennifer Echols

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AdamAdam-VaderAoan
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It’s that I wasn’t suited to do the kind of comedy that these people were coming to hear – mainstream comedy.

—Larry David

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ComedyComingHear
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It’s hillbilly urine; we had better get home before they come to eat us.” Kevin said pointing towards home proving if there was ever any doubt that he had no acting ability at all. (The...

—Kim Cormack

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ComedyFantasyParanormal-Fiction
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I ordered a single espresso because I wanted a drink I could hook up with.

—Randy Kagan

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When media distorts the truth, it’s only responding in kind.

—John Alejandro King

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To be ‘decimated’ means to lose a tenth of one’s population. I’ve lived in places where that’s just a busy Saturday night.

—John Alejandro King

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Love is in the air. Remember to maintain your lead and follow through on your shot.

—John Alejandro King

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What meteorologists refer to as a ‘polar vortex’ I call God getting his swagger back.

—John Alejandro King

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No thunder was ever angry, nor dark cloud somber. But every drizzle is definitely embarrassed.

—John Alejandro King

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No agnostic ever burned anyone at the stake. That wouldn’t be nearly slow and painful enough.

—John Alejandro King

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Excluding starches, preservatives, emulsifiers and artificial flavoring, Soylent Green is actually less than 2% people.

—John Alejandro King

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We finally settled on Francis Ford Coppola’s version of Dracula, which, unfortunately, Gabriel seemed to think was a comedy. I think it was the combination of Keanu Reeves’s British accent and Gary Oldman’s elderly Count...

—Molly Harper

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ComedyDraculaFunny
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Could I have the whole kit, but none of the caboodle?

—John Alejandro King

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Except for briefings after lunch, CIA does not practice torture.

—John Alejandro King

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ComedyFunnyHumor
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I want to experience as many different tastes, sights, emotions, conflicts, and cultures as possible, so that I can expand the canvas of my memory and enrich my comedy.

—Patton Oswalt

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ComedyExperience
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lol christine lyf

—twelvie gang

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ComedyInspirationalLola
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It’s comedy with a universal appeal with a Latin flavor.

—Rick Najera

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Comedy
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At the last moment, she remembered that her Master might be watching her and, knowing that good girls bend at the knees while bad girls bend at the waist, she picked up the cigar butt,...

—Sorin Suciu

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Bend-And-SnapCigarettesCigarettes-Smoking
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St John had always been a fan of the RS Turbo, mainly due to the colour coded rear spoiler and air vents in the bonnet, which distinguished it from the more common and less powerful...

—St John

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ComedyHumourNon-Sequitur
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Mankind is immortalin the comic perspective not by virtue of man’s subjugation of naturebut by virtue of man’s subjection to it. The “fall” in tragedy ends indeath; the fall in comedy ends in bed, where,...

—Rose A.

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ComedyLiterary-Criticism
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Anyone who is considered funny will tell you, sometimes without even your asking, that deep inside they are very serious, neurotic, introspective people.

—Wendy Wasserstein

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ComedyHumanity-ComplexityHumor
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Anticipation tingled in my stomach: the kind of tingle that at first you don’t know if it’s a good tingle or a bad tingle – just a tingle.

—Terry Weible

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ComedyHumorMystery
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My first year in Hollywood was a virtual comedy of errors. I was told I was too tall, and too beautiful. I found myself being cast to play dead bodies and scantily clad bimbos.

—Amber Smith

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I got into comedy so I could stay out all night.

—Artie Lange

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ComedyNightStay
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Because I’ve done so many hour dramas, people tend to think of you as more of a dramatic actor and don’t see you as doing comedy.

—Amy Acker

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ComedyHourTend
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The highest of highs is to have a new routine that you’re just breaking in and that’s working, and that’s – you’re one step removed doing a situation comedy because you have a live audience...

—Bob Newhart

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AudienceComedySituation
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Happy endings. *Groan*

—Carla H. Krueger

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Author-Carla-H-KruegerComedyDevil's-Advocate
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Only men with intelligence, confidence and absolutely no empathy at all can progress upstairs.

—Carla H. Krueger

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Adult-FictionAnti-UtopiaBad-Manager
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Sure we could replace war with paintball battles. But it would escalate to paint grenades, paint bombs, weapons of mass paint. I don’t want to live in a world where my kids have to worry...

—Dan Florence

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ComedyFutureGrenades
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I shouted the perfect words to scare him off. It was just the delivery (and only the delivery) that made me sound like a twelve-year-old girl with pee running down her leg. I felt dirty...

—Graham Parke

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ComedyHumorLiterature
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Comedy was one of those genres that while appearing quite jolly was actually highly dangerous.

—Jasper Fforde

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BookworldComedyFforde
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Another case for the dumbness of reading, however, is that books do not contain answers, but rather pose more questions. And asking questions makes you look dumber, not smarter. I thought Alice’s Adventures in Wonderland...

—Dan Wilbur

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Comedy
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