If the weight comes from bacon you can so deduct it off the scale total to get your true weight. #science

John Adams warned of the division of America into two great political parties. Luckily, the parties we ended up with are mediocre at best.

We can’t all be comedians, some people have to do the laughing.

I’ve been on a diet for two weeks and all I’ve lost is two weeks!”-Totie Fields-

Comedy is a great tool. We are trying to find ways to use humor to enlighten people without preaching to them.

I was making pancakes the other day and a fly flew into the kitchen. And that’s when I realized that a spatula is a lot like a fly swatter. And a crushed fly is a...

You know… the word “homeless”, gives you this very negative image. A filthy raggedy hobo… it’s no good. It’s too demeaning of a word if you ask me. It’s just not politically correct enough… If...

Comedy is, of course, closely associated with eggs.

If this comedy thing doesn’t work out, I’ve always got poverty to fall back on.

Sort of’ is such a harmless thing to say… sort of. It’s just a filler. Sort of… it doesn’t really mean anything. But after certain things, sort of means everything. Like… after “I love you”…...

No one ever thinks about the guy who was raised by the guy who was raised by wolves.

Check my riddle, and I’ll let you play my fiddle.

Sam: I’ve never considered myself a finicky eater. No pie ever crossed my path and survived.

My day jobs… I knew I was bad at those, so I didn’t really have the confidence to think that I could do comedy. But I knew I hated the day jobs.

Misery comes to miser; joy comes to wiser. (A Very Hot Cup of Tea, Empathy)Juvenile invites, youth tries, adult applies, and the old man dies. (A Straw Man, Empathy)In everyone, there lives a superhero. (The...

I’m sorry Sam, but it’s past time for a musical intervention here. You can’t keep listening to this stuff. It wasn’t even remotely good when it was popular, and it certainly hasn’t gained anything over...

Displacement of ‘What goes around, comes around’ is Zero.

Express yourself, Express your life, Express the Moment, Live the life.

Use Jesus Motor Fuel—Put a savior in your tank!

The only honest art form is laughter, comedy. You can’t fake it…try to fake three laughs in an hour — ha ha ha ha ha — they’ll take you away, man. You can’t.

I hate McDonald’s. I don’t want to order my dinner by yelling into a clown’s mouth. If I want my face in a clown’s mouth, I’ll tongue kiss Glenn Beck.

If you put any effort into anything you do and have a strong sense of self to the point where you don’t even question your choices before you walk out of the house— you’re a...

As a comedian, the more you commit the sin of stupidity, three essential things happen to your life:~people applaud you incessantly.~love you more than their parents.~give you a daily bread.

Son,” he said, “you monkeyed up.

I ground my teeth. “Just when I thought I was getting a handle on this whole Dark One/demon lord/imp thing, you go and throw knockers into the mix. I’m going to have to request that...

I will say you could always look at ‘Looney Tunes’ and learn about writing. I think you can learn a lot about the beats of comedy. I think you can find out about awkward pauses,...

The best protection against identity theft is bad credit

Pictures in women’s self-defense books never show women kicking other women. The idea is to leave something to the imagination.

Motivational Secret of the Week: Dare to dream of dreaming daringly.

Scaling doesn’t scale.

It’s beginning to look like the reports of that Chinese search vessel hearing ‘a ping’ may have been a mistranslation.

If the CIA isn’t a force for truth, what is it good for? (Truth, I mean, not the CIA.)

Why do we assume space aliens will be less emotional than us? What if they’re more emotional? All that hugging could get old pretty quick.

Always write your signature move in disappearing ink.

Birds don’t sing after a storm, they sing before the next one.

Secret 2791716. You can only scandalize people on their own terms.

Death is complicated.”-Johann Kraus

Paradigm shift: does that come before swing shift or after?

Cause if you shoot a bullet someone dies. If you drop a bomb many die. You hit a woman, love dies. But if you say the F-word… nothing actually happens.

THAT’S IT!” Terminus cried. “That’s AGAINST THE RULES!”Polybotes frowned, obviously confused that he was being told off by a statue. “What are you?” he growled. “Shut up!”He pushed the statue over and turned back to...

Comedy is the art of making people laugh without making them puke.

There was Arctic John, a businessman from Salisbury who doesn’t hold water, Bruce Knott, a social worker from Cumberland who spends his lunch hour picking his bum, and Judith Glycerine, the reformation pig.

To Fred, those years seemed to pass like quickly skimming a book and then finding the ending wasn’t what he expected. He wished he’d paid more attention to the story.

That night’s show was watched by ten million people, so I guess that director at The Second City who said the audience “didn’t want to see a sketch with two women” can go shit in...

I shall now express my utter disgust and anger with you through the piano.

Stand-up comedy is a raunchy profession.

I really, really enjoy comedy. I think that’s one of my strong suits. It’s my zone. And people don’t expect it from me, which is a whammy.

Do short people reach their full potential quicker?

You are a more powerful person than you might have ever imagined.” Maxwell D. Kalist.

You’re a fat cunt and you can’t add up to save your life.” Dimitri Pissec.