Quotes.wiki
  • Home
  • Tags
  • Authors
  • Contact Us
">
Quotes.wiki
Quotes.wiki
  • Home
  • Tags
  • Authors
  • Contact Us
Comedy  Quotes
If the weight comes from bacon you can so deduct it off the scale total to get your true weight. #science

—Michelle M.

1 Star2 Stars3 Stars4 Stars5 Stars (1 votes, 5.00 )Loading...
BaconComedyDiet
Facebooktwitterredditpinterestlinkedintumblr
I’ve been on a diet for two weeks and all I’ve lost is two weeks!”-Totie Fields-

—David DeBacco

1 Star2 Stars3 Stars4 Stars5 Stars (1 votes, 5.00 )Loading...
ComedyDietJokes
Facebooktwitterredditpinterestlinkedintumblr
Comedy is a great tool. We are trying to find ways to use humor to enlighten people without preaching to them.

—Trevor Noah

1 Star2 Stars3 Stars4 Stars5 Stars (1 votes, 5.00 )Loading...
ComedyEnlightenFind-Ways
Facebooktwitterredditpinterestlinkedintumblr
I was making pancakes the other day and a fly flew into the kitchen. And that’s when I realized that a spatula is a lot like a fly swatter. And a crushed fly is a...

—Demetri Martin

1 Star2 Stars3 Stars4 Stars5 Stars (1 votes, 5.00 )Loading...
ComedianComedyDemetri-Martin
Facebooktwitterredditpinterestlinkedintumblr
You know… the word “homeless”, gives you this very negative image. A filthy raggedy hobo… it’s no good. It’s too demeaning of a word if you ask me. It’s just not politically correct enough… If...

—Nobuyuki Fukumoto

1 Star2 Stars3 Stars4 Stars5 Stars (1 votes, 5.00 )Loading...
BumComedyHobo
Facebooktwitterredditpinterestlinkedintumblr
If this comedy thing doesn’t work out, I’ve always got poverty to fall back on.

—Trevor Noah

1 Star2 Stars3 Stars4 Stars5 Stars (1 votes, 4.00 )Loading...
ComedyFall-BackFall-Back-On
Facebooktwitterredditpinterestlinkedintumblr
Sort of’ is such a harmless thing to say… sort of. It’s just a filler. Sort of… it doesn’t really mean anything. But after certain things, sort of means everything. Like… after “I love you”…...

—Demetri Martin

1 Star2 Stars3 Stars4 Stars5 Stars (1 votes, 4.00 )Loading...
ComedianComedyEquivocation
Facebooktwitterredditpinterestlinkedintumblr
No one ever thinks about the guy who was raised by the guy who was raised by wolves.

—Demetri Martin

1 Star2 Stars3 Stars4 Stars5 Stars (1 votes, 4.00 )Loading...
ComedyDadsHumor
Facebooktwitterredditpinterestlinkedintumblr
Check my riddle, and I’ll let you play my fiddle.

—Zack Love

1 Star2 Stars3 Stars4 Stars5 Stars (1 votes, 4.00 )Loading...
ComedyDatingFunny
Facebooktwitterredditpinterestlinkedintumblr
You got a gun, you don’t have to work out.

—Chris Rock

1 Star2 Stars3 Stars4 Stars5 Stars (No Ratings Yet)
Loading...
Chris-RockComedyGuns
Facebooktwitterredditpinterestlinkedintumblr
I did sketch comedy for years. I’ve always enjoyed it.

—Jamie Farr

1 Star2 Stars3 Stars4 Stars5 Stars (No Ratings Yet)
Loading...
ComedyEnjoyedSketch
Facebooktwitterredditpinterestlinkedintumblr
To neglect ones own ability to laugh is the greatest form of Blasphemy, for to laugh is to pray.

—Ilyas Kassam

1 Star2 Stars3 Stars4 Stars5 Stars (No Ratings Yet)
Loading...
ComedyDivine-ComedyHumour
Facebooktwitterredditpinterestlinkedintumblr
Last time I was down South I walked into this restaurant, and this white waitress came up to me and said: ‘We don’t serve colored people here.’ “I said: ‘that’s all right, I don’t eat...

—Dick Gregory

1 Star2 Stars3 Stars4 Stars5 Stars (No Ratings Yet)
Loading...
Civil-RightsComedyHumor
Facebooktwitterredditpinterestlinkedintumblr
It is in the elements that we found ourselves; even though the elements are not the same today.

—Jerril Thomas

1 Star2 Stars3 Stars4 Stars5 Stars (No Ratings Yet)
Loading...
AndArtBiography
Facebooktwitterredditpinterestlinkedintumblr
I always love the quirky stuff, which is why I love ‘Childrens Hospital.’ That really pushes the envelope of comedy.

—Malin Akerman

1 Star2 Stars3 Stars4 Stars5 Stars (No Ratings Yet)
Loading...
ComedyStuff
Facebooktwitterredditpinterestlinkedintumblr
When I was nine, we’d take a bus to the seaside. Coming back, we’d take turns entertaining, singing songs and the like. I tried some stand-up comedy. I had a captive audience in that bus....

—Jim Dale

1 Star2 Stars3 Stars4 Stars5 Stars (No Ratings Yet)
Loading...
AudienceComedyComing
Facebooktwitterredditpinterestlinkedintumblr
I love the movie previews… you know… Why is it whenever you’re watching a movie preview you always feel like you have to comment on it to the person you’re with? ‘Yeah… I’m not gonna...

—Jim Gaffigan

1 Star2 Stars3 Stars4 Stars5 Stars (No Ratings Yet)
Loading...
Comedy
Facebooktwitterredditpinterestlinkedintumblr
I say, you look smashing this evening,” Zayne strode over to her, took her arm, and began helping her up the walk, “That is a lovely gown, and what is the color of the hair...

—Jen Turano

1 Star2 Stars3 Stars4 Stars5 Stars (No Ratings Yet)
Loading...
AgathaComedyHair
Facebooktwitterredditpinterestlinkedintumblr
Each of us is full of shit in our own special way. We are all shitty little snowflakes dancing in the universe.

—Lewis Black

1 Star2 Stars3 Stars4 Stars5 Stars (No Ratings Yet)
Loading...
ComedyIndividualityInspirational
Facebooktwitterredditpinterestlinkedintumblr
He sighed, then said, “So basically, you’re stalking her.””I am NOT stalking her.” I insisted.”That’s where you come in. If I followed her by myself, someone who did not understand the situation and did not...

—Jennifer Echols

1 Star2 Stars3 Stars4 Stars5 Stars (No Ratings Yet)
Loading...
AdamAdam-VaderBoys-Next-Door
Facebooktwitterredditpinterestlinkedintumblr
Aryans?” I asked, thinking I must have heard the word incorrectly.Christian and Allie nodded.”Aryans as in white supremacist, those sorts of Aryans?””Yes,” Christian said.”Neo-Nazis?” My mind was having a hard time grasping the idea of...

—Katie MacAlister

1 Star2 Stars3 Stars4 Stars5 Stars (No Ratings Yet)
Loading...
ArmiesAryansComedy
Facebooktwitterredditpinterestlinkedintumblr
The important people in our lives leave imprints. They may stay or go in the physical realm, but they are always there in your heart, because they helped form your heart. There’s no getting over...

—Rachel Cohn

1 Star2 Stars3 Stars4 Stars5 Stars (No Ratings Yet)
Loading...
ComedyFictionRomance
Facebooktwitterredditpinterestlinkedintumblr
The Dispatcher had played with his phones, calling from one to the other. Then he put them all down and announced that he had them on “hold,” a curious expression since it was the first...

—Robert Lynn

1 Star2 Stars3 Stars4 Stars5 Stars (No Ratings Yet)
Loading...
Comedy
Facebooktwitterredditpinterestlinkedintumblr
11% of Americans believe HTML is a sexually transmitted disease. In reality, HTML is caused by bacteria living in the lower bowel.

—John Alejandro King

1 Star2 Stars3 Stars4 Stars5 Stars (No Ratings Yet)
Loading...
ComedyFunnyHumor
Facebooktwitterredditpinterestlinkedintumblr
Saw a headline: ‘Killers Executed In Three States.’ How is drawing out their executions like that not cruel and unusual punishment???

—John Alejandro King

1 Star2 Stars3 Stars4 Stars5 Stars (No Ratings Yet)
Loading...
ComedyFunnyHumor
Facebooktwitterredditpinterestlinkedintumblr
Control is under the situation.

—John Alejandro King

1 Star2 Stars3 Stars4 Stars5 Stars (No Ratings Yet)
Loading...
ComedyFunnyHumor
Facebooktwitterredditpinterestlinkedintumblr
Leak not the secret, lest the secret leak you.

—John Alejandro King

1 Star2 Stars3 Stars4 Stars5 Stars (No Ratings Yet)
Loading...
ComedyFunnyHumor
Facebooktwitterredditpinterestlinkedintumblr
Even if I did create them myself, I still think I’m doing pretty well under the circumstances.

—John Alejandro King

1 Star2 Stars3 Stars4 Stars5 Stars (No Ratings Yet)
Loading...
ComedyFunnyHumor
Facebooktwitterredditpinterestlinkedintumblr
Whatever doesn’t kill me makes me stronger. Now if I could just find something that doesn’t kill me.

—John Alejandro King

1 Star2 Stars3 Stars4 Stars5 Stars (No Ratings Yet)
Loading...
ComedyFunnyHumor
Facebooktwitterredditpinterestlinkedintumblr
Intelligence Forecast of the Week. Coming soon: the bloodiest film ever – nothing but close-ups of red blood cells, plasma and platelets.

—John Alejandro King

1 Star2 Stars3 Stars4 Stars5 Stars (No Ratings Yet)
Loading...
ComedyFunnyHumor
Facebooktwitterredditpinterestlinkedintumblr
Our boss announced that we’re implementing a self-managing team concept. From now on, we’ll be the team, and our boss will be the self.

—John Alejandro King

1 Star2 Stars3 Stars4 Stars5 Stars (No Ratings Yet)
Loading...
ComedyFunnyHumor
Facebooktwitterredditpinterestlinkedintumblr
There’s nothing I wouldn’t do on your behalf, if I could just get my hands on it

—John Alejandro King

1 Star2 Stars3 Stars4 Stars5 Stars (No Ratings Yet)
Loading...
ComedyFunnyHumor
Facebooktwitterredditpinterestlinkedintumblr
Okay, now I know your yanking my chain. Pigs will fly before Blake would ask for our help.” Rhoan”Better start ducking those flying piggies then, bro, because I’m totally serious.” Riley

—Keri Arthur

1 Star2 Stars3 Stars4 Stars5 Stars (No Ratings Yet)
Loading...
Comedy
Facebooktwitterredditpinterestlinkedintumblr
Black graffiti on a black helicopter.

—The Covert

1 Star2 Stars3 Stars4 Stars5 Stars (No Ratings Yet)
Loading...
ComedyFunnyHumor
Facebooktwitterredditpinterestlinkedintumblr
Comedy is the ultimate anarchist.

—Tim Allen

1 Star2 Stars3 Stars4 Stars5 Stars (No Ratings Yet)
Loading...
AnarchistComedyUltimate
Facebooktwitterredditpinterestlinkedintumblr
Any game plan? (Xypher)Don’t die. (Sin)I like it. Simple, bold. Impossible. Works for me. (Xypher)

—Sherrilyn Kenyon

1 Star2 Stars3 Stars4 Stars5 Stars (No Ratings Yet)
Loading...
Comedy
Facebooktwitterredditpinterestlinkedintumblr
Comedy is a distortion of what is happening, and there will always be something happening.

—Steve Martin

1 Star2 Stars3 Stars4 Stars5 Stars (No Ratings Yet)
Loading...
ComediansComedyComedy-Humor
Facebooktwitterredditpinterestlinkedintumblr
A huge meringue with polio who drives everywhere in a beautifully restored Hillman Imp.

—St John

1 Star2 Stars3 Stars4 Stars5 Stars (No Ratings Yet)
Loading...
ComedyHumourNon-Sequitur
Facebooktwitterredditpinterestlinkedintumblr
Don Pedro – (…)’In time the savage bull doth bear the yoke.’Benedick – The savage bull may, but if ever the sensible Benedick bear it, pluck off the bull’s horns and set them in my...

—William Shakespeare

1 Star2 Stars3 Stars4 Stars5 Stars (No Ratings Yet)
Loading...
ComedyHumourSingle-Life
Facebooktwitterredditpinterestlinkedintumblr
Our family was nearly torn apart on several occasions by arguments started when the refrigerator door was open for what my father deemed as ‘too long.

—Wes Locher

1 Star2 Stars3 Stars4 Stars5 Stars (No Ratings Yet)
Loading...
AnecdoteComedyEssay
Facebooktwitterredditpinterestlinkedintumblr
No,’ the professor replied. ‘Her Majesty s alive and well – at least I assume so if she hasn’t met a certain van driver from Yeovil.’ ~Professor Hamilton

—Bryan Davis

1 Star2 Stars3 Stars4 Stars5 Stars (No Ratings Yet)
Loading...
ComedyHumor
Facebooktwitterredditpinterestlinkedintumblr
The only way to get the ending you want is to write your own story.

—Ashley Ford

1 Star2 Stars3 Stars4 Stars5 Stars (No Ratings Yet)
Loading...
AuthorComedyDramedy
Facebooktwitterredditpinterestlinkedintumblr
Smile, it’s the second best thing youcan do with your lips.

—Adesh Ranjan

1 Star2 Stars3 Stars4 Stars5 Stars (No Ratings Yet)
Loading...
Comedy
Facebooktwitterredditpinterestlinkedintumblr
Oh, I forgot to tell you the rest of it—he’s a widower now, so they can ride off together into the sunset, their wedding rings glinting.

—Brenda Joyce

1 Star2 Stars3 Stars4 Stars5 Stars (No Ratings Yet)
Loading...
ComedyLoveMarriage
Facebooktwitterredditpinterestlinkedintumblr
Heads swivel. Whispers erupt. As Kalist returns to his desk, bone cane by his side, he indulges, briefly, in horse practice, neighing lightly as he scrolls through a few mental images of busty secretary, Geiger,...

—Carla H. Krueger

1 Star2 Stars3 Stars4 Stars5 Stars (No Ratings Yet)
Loading...
Adult-FictionAnti-UtopiaBad-Manager
Facebooktwitterredditpinterestlinkedintumblr
I experimented with my own one-man show a couple of years ago in Aspen when HBO used to have their comedy festival there. I called it ‘A History of Me.’

—Alan Zweibel

1 Star2 Stars3 Stars4 Stars5 Stars (No Ratings Yet)
Loading...
ComedyCouple
Facebooktwitterredditpinterestlinkedintumblr
But she’s a redhead, so she’s probably evil, even at her tender age.””I thought you liked redheads.””I do. What’s your point?

—Christopher Moore

1 Star2 Stars3 Stars4 Stars5 Stars (No Ratings Yet)
Loading...
ComedyMooreRedheads
Facebooktwitterredditpinterestlinkedintumblr
From ‘Chappelle’s Show’ to ‘Tosh.0,’ there’s so much race comedy. It’s overdone.

—Eric Andre

1 Star2 Stars3 Stars4 Stars5 Stars (No Ratings Yet)
Loading...
ComedyOverdoneRace
Facebooktwitterredditpinterestlinkedintumblr
There’s obviously a lot of tragedy in comedy; I really enjoy the paradox of what a really good comedy is.

—Ellen Page

1 Star2 Stars3 Stars4 Stars5 Stars (No Ratings Yet)
Loading...
ComedyEnjoy
Facebooktwitterredditpinterestlinkedintumblr
A história de todas as grandes civilizações galácticas tende a passar por três fases distintas e identificáveis: a da Sobrevivência, a da Interrogação e a da Sofisticação, também conhecidas pelas fases Como, Porquê e Onde....

—Douglas Adams

1 Star2 Stars3 Stars4 Stars5 Stars (No Ratings Yet)
Loading...
1979ComedyDouglas-Adams
Facebooktwitterredditpinterestlinkedintumblr
  • Page 1 of 26
  • Next
  • Terms of Service
  • Privacy Policy
  • About us

Copyright © 2017 - 2020 TR Marketing Group, Inc. All rights reserved.

Do Not Sell My Personal Information

Exercise your consumer rights by contacting us below Privacy Policy

[email protected]

Personalized advertisements

Turning this off will opt you out of personalized advertisements delivered from Google on this website.

CookiePro
Confirm
Popup Button popup close button