If the weight comes from bacon you can so deduct it off the scale total to get your true weight. #science

John Adams warned of the division of America into two great political parties. Luckily, the parties we ended up with are mediocre at best.

We can’t all be comedians, some people have to do the laughing.

I’ve been on a diet for two weeks and all I’ve lost is two weeks!”-Totie Fields-

Comedy is a great tool. We are trying to find ways to use humor to enlighten people without preaching to them.

I was making pancakes the other day and a fly flew into the kitchen. And that’s when I realized that a spatula is a lot like a fly swatter. And a crushed fly is a...

You know… the word “homeless”, gives you this very negative image. A filthy raggedy hobo… it’s no good. It’s too demeaning of a word if you ask me. It’s just not politically correct enough… If...

If this comedy thing doesn’t work out, I’ve always got poverty to fall back on.

Sort of’ is such a harmless thing to say… sort of. It’s just a filler. Sort of… it doesn’t really mean anything. But after certain things, sort of means everything. Like… after “I love you”…...

No one ever thinks about the guy who was raised by the guy who was raised by wolves.

Check my riddle, and I’ll let you play my fiddle.

Comedy is, of course, closely associated with eggs.

There is a thin line that separates laughter and pain, comedy and tragedy, humor and hurt.

The dog ran into the kitchen, stuck his nose in Grandma’s crotch, and snuffled.Dang,” Grandma said. “Guess my new perfume really works. I’m gonna have to try it out at the seniors meeting.

I really enjoy laughing at work, and I find that it’s easier to do that when you’re shooting a comedy.

It isn’t easy to create a drama infused with comedy, and ‘Psych’ just knocks it out of the park.

I really don’t want to do anything that resembles stand-up comedy. But I will agree to say that I am doing it, and I will hope that people expect it to be that, so I...

I blame Chennai. Pointless neighbourhood gossip travels faster than tsunami alerts around here. I know that aunties are a universal problem but this city is particularly aunty dominated. And by that, I mean, even many...

AOAN LOVES LOKI.

It’s that I wasn’t suited to do the kind of comedy that these people were coming to hear – mainstream comedy.

It’s hillbilly urine; we had better get home before they come to eat us.” Kevin said pointing towards home proving if there was ever any doubt that he had no acting ability at all. (The...

I ordered a single espresso because I wanted a drink I could hook up with.

When media distorts the truth, it’s only responding in kind.

To be ‘decimated’ means to lose a tenth of one’s population. I’ve lived in places where that’s just a busy Saturday night.

Love is in the air. Remember to maintain your lead and follow through on your shot.

What meteorologists refer to as a ‘polar vortex’ I call God getting his swagger back.

No thunder was ever angry, nor dark cloud somber. But every drizzle is definitely embarrassed.

No agnostic ever burned anyone at the stake. That wouldn’t be nearly slow and painful enough.

Excluding starches, preservatives, emulsifiers and artificial flavoring, Soylent Green is actually less than 2% people.

We finally settled on Francis Ford Coppola’s version of Dracula, which, unfortunately, Gabriel seemed to think was a comedy. I think it was the combination of Keanu Reeves’s British accent and Gary Oldman’s elderly Count...

Could I have the whole kit, but none of the caboodle?

Except for briefings after lunch, CIA does not practice torture.

I want to experience as many different tastes, sights, emotions, conflicts, and cultures as possible, so that I can expand the canvas of my memory and enrich my comedy.

lol christine lyf

It’s comedy with a universal appeal with a Latin flavor.

At the last moment, she remembered that her Master might be watching her and, knowing that good girls bend at the knees while bad girls bend at the waist, she picked up the cigar butt,...

St John had always been a fan of the RS Turbo, mainly due to the colour coded rear spoiler and air vents in the bonnet, which distinguished it from the more common and less powerful...

Mankind is immortalin the comic perspective not by virtue of man’s subjugation of naturebut by virtue of man’s subjection to it. The “fall” in tragedy ends indeath; the fall in comedy ends in bed, where,...

Anyone who is considered funny will tell you, sometimes without even your asking, that deep inside they are very serious, neurotic, introspective people.

Anticipation tingled in my stomach: the kind of tingle that at first you don’t know if it’s a good tingle or a bad tingle – just a tingle.

My first year in Hollywood was a virtual comedy of errors. I was told I was too tall, and too beautiful. I found myself being cast to play dead bodies and scantily clad bimbos.

I got into comedy so I could stay out all night.

Because I’ve done so many hour dramas, people tend to think of you as more of a dramatic actor and don’t see you as doing comedy.

The highest of highs is to have a new routine that you’re just breaking in and that’s working, and that’s – you’re one step removed doing a situation comedy because you have a live audience...

Happy endings. *Groan*

Only men with intelligence, confidence and absolutely no empathy at all can progress upstairs.

Sure we could replace war with paintball battles. But it would escalate to paint grenades, paint bombs, weapons of mass paint. I don’t want to live in a world where my kids have to worry...

I shouted the perfect words to scare him off. It was just the delivery (and only the delivery) that made me sound like a twelve-year-old girl with pee running down her leg. I felt dirty...

Comedy was one of those genres that while appearing quite jolly was actually highly dangerous.

Another case for the dumbness of reading, however, is that books do not contain answers, but rather pose more questions. And asking questions makes you look dumber, not smarter. I thought Alice’s Adventures in Wonderland...