If the weight comes from bacon you can so deduct it off the scale total to get your true weight. #science

I’ve been on a diet for two weeks and all I’ve lost is two weeks!”-Totie Fields-

Comedy is a great tool. We are trying to find ways to use humor to enlighten people without preaching to them.

I was making pancakes the other day and a fly flew into the kitchen. And that’s when I realized that a spatula is a lot like a fly swatter. And a crushed fly is a...

You know… the word “homeless”, gives you this very negative image. A filthy raggedy hobo… it’s no good. It’s too demeaning of a word if you ask me. It’s just not politically correct enough… If...

If this comedy thing doesn’t work out, I’ve always got poverty to fall back on.

Sort of’ is such a harmless thing to say… sort of. It’s just a filler. Sort of… it doesn’t really mean anything. But after certain things, sort of means everything. Like… after “I love you”…...

No one ever thinks about the guy who was raised by the guy who was raised by wolves.

Check my riddle, and I’ll let you play my fiddle.

It is in the elements that we found ourselves; even though the elements are not the same today.

I always love the quirky stuff, which is why I love ‘Childrens Hospital.’ That really pushes the envelope of comedy.

When I was nine, we’d take a bus to the seaside. Coming back, we’d take turns entertaining, singing songs and the like. I tried some stand-up comedy. I had a captive audience in that bus....

I love the movie previews… you know… Why is it whenever you’re watching a movie preview you always feel like you have to comment on it to the person you’re with? ‘Yeah… I’m not gonna...

I say, you look smashing this evening,” Zayne strode over to her, took her arm, and began helping her up the walk, “That is a lovely gown, and what is the color of the hair...

Each of us is full of shit in our own special way. We are all shitty little snowflakes dancing in the universe.

He sighed, then said, “So basically, you’re stalking her.””I am NOT stalking her.” I insisted.”That’s where you come in. If I followed her by myself, someone who did not understand the situation and did not...

Aryans?” I asked, thinking I must have heard the word incorrectly.Christian and Allie nodded.”Aryans as in white supremacist, those sorts of Aryans?””Yes,” Christian said.”Neo-Nazis?” My mind was having a hard time grasping the idea of...

The important people in our lives leave imprints. They may stay or go in the physical realm, but they are always there in your heart, because they helped form your heart. There’s no getting over...

The Dispatcher had played with his phones, calling from one to the other. Then he put them all down and announced that he had them on “hold,” a curious expression since it was the first...

11% of Americans believe HTML is a sexually transmitted disease. In reality, HTML is caused by bacteria living in the lower bowel.

Saw a headline: ‘Killers Executed In Three States.’ How is drawing out their executions like that not cruel and unusual punishment???

Control is under the situation.

Leak not the secret, lest the secret leak you.

Even if I did create them myself, I still think I’m doing pretty well under the circumstances.

Whatever doesn’t kill me makes me stronger. Now if I could just find something that doesn’t kill me.

Intelligence Forecast of the Week. Coming soon: the bloodiest film ever – nothing but close-ups of red blood cells, plasma and platelets.

Our boss announced that we’re implementing a self-managing team concept. From now on, we’ll be the team, and our boss will be the self.

There’s nothing I wouldn’t do on your behalf, if I could just get my hands on it

Okay, now I know your yanking my chain. Pigs will fly before Blake would ask for our help.” Rhoan”Better start ducking those flying piggies then, bro, because I’m totally serious.” Riley

Black graffiti on a black helicopter.

Comedy is the ultimate anarchist.

Any game plan? (Xypher)Don’t die. (Sin)I like it. Simple, bold. Impossible. Works for me. (Xypher)

Comedy is a distortion of what is happening, and there will always be something happening.

A huge meringue with polio who drives everywhere in a beautifully restored Hillman Imp.

Don Pedro – (…)’In time the savage bull doth bear the yoke.’Benedick – The savage bull may, but if ever the sensible Benedick bear it, pluck off the bull’s horns and set them in my...

Our family was nearly torn apart on several occasions by arguments started when the refrigerator door was open for what my father deemed as ‘too long.

No,’ the professor replied. ‘Her Majesty s alive and well – at least I assume so if she hasn’t met a certain van driver from Yeovil.’ ~Professor Hamilton

The only way to get the ending you want is to write your own story.

Smile, it’s the second best thing youcan do with your lips.

Oh, I forgot to tell you the rest of it—he’s a widower now, so they can ride off together into the sunset, their wedding rings glinting.

Heads swivel. Whispers erupt. As Kalist returns to his desk, bone cane by his side, he indulges, briefly, in horse practice, neighing lightly as he scrolls through a few mental images of busty secretary, Geiger,...

I experimented with my own one-man show a couple of years ago in Aspen when HBO used to have their comedy festival there. I called it ‘A History of Me.’

But she’s a redhead, so she’s probably evil, even at her tender age.””I thought you liked redheads.””I do. What’s your point?

From ‘Chappelle’s Show’ to ‘Tosh.0,’ there’s so much race comedy. It’s overdone.

There’s obviously a lot of tragedy in comedy; I really enjoy the paradox of what a really good comedy is.

You got a gun, you don’t have to work out.

I did sketch comedy for years. I’ve always enjoyed it.

To neglect ones own ability to laugh is the greatest form of Blasphemy, for to laugh is to pray.

Last time I was down South I walked into this restaurant, and this white waitress came up to me and said: ‘We don’t serve colored people here.’ “I said: ‘that’s all right, I don’t eat...

Every time you tell a lie an angel punches a unicorn in the face with a kitten.