If the weight comes from bacon you can so deduct it off the scale total to get your true weight. #science

John Adams warned of the division of America into two great political parties. Luckily, the parties we ended up with are mediocre at best.

We can’t all be comedians, some people have to do the laughing.

I’ve been on a diet for two weeks and all I’ve lost is two weeks!”-Totie Fields-

I was making pancakes the other day and a fly flew into the kitchen. And that’s when I realized that a spatula is a lot like a fly swatter. And a crushed fly is a...

Comedy is a great tool. We are trying to find ways to use humor to enlighten people without preaching to them.

You know… the word “homeless”, gives you this very negative image. A filthy raggedy hobo… it’s no good. It’s too demeaning of a word if you ask me. It’s just not politically correct enough… If...

Comedy is, of course, closely associated with eggs.

Sort of’ is such a harmless thing to say… sort of. It’s just a filler. Sort of… it doesn’t really mean anything. But after certain things, sort of means everything. Like… after “I love you”…...

If this comedy thing doesn’t work out, I’ve always got poverty to fall back on.

No one ever thinks about the guy who was raised by the guy who was raised by wolves.

Check my riddle, and I’ll let you play my fiddle.

What are you gonna help us with? That very tiny used condom?

Luck is the bastard child of Fate and Destiny.

Only love will attract love.”~ Amunhotep El Bey

People are meant to be certain places, and I think I’m meant to be on a sound stage doing situation comedy.

It’s like George always says: being in a rock ʼn’ roll band is very sexy, even when you’re only the keyboard player and your idea of the perfect Saturday night actually amounts to a bubble...

You need a father figure in your life.

I think comedy comes more from a low sense of self-esteem, and I certainly have that.

When life throws shit at you, grow great, big, fuck off roses.

Live a life abundant in love and rich in spirit, these are the seeds of a fulfilling existence. Be the safe harbor you seek in the world. Follow your dreams, not your fear. Go into...

The story is uneven in its progression.

Here comes Mamma Vauquerr, fair as a starrr; and strung up like a bunch of carrots. Aren’t we suffocating ourselves a wee bit?’ he asked, placing a hand on the top of her corset. ‘A...

I decided to masturbate with shampoo instead of conditioner today. Because yolo. Things Jesus never said.

I feel like a part of me is gone, too. We were a comedy team and I was proud to be his straight man. He was a wonderful comedian. Underrated, really.

He quite liked dentists’ waiting rooms. Waiting for dentists was good. Waiting for them was so much better than having them stick metal spikes in your mouth.

So I guess this works out good.

Honesty, simplicity and truth are the secret to his comedy,

That is kind of you, my lord. But I will never dance with you.”Which, of course, made it the goal of Leo’s life.

I think, you know, a lot of the business of comedy is taking your personal experiences and making them relatable to other people.

Who decided it’s a phobia in the first place? What if I just don’t want to get married ever. Just like I don’t want to live in Jharkhand ever. Somehow I can say that as...

I like comedy, I love it very much, I love laughing.

Gue nggak menafikan ada hal-hal mistis di sekitar kita, tapi ada air bekas cucian keris yang bisa bikin awet muda, gue sama sekali nggak percaya. Bagi yang percaya, ya silakan aja. Di zaman teknologi serbacanggih...

One does not have humor. It has you.

My daughter asked if the boogie man was scary. I said, “Not as scary as the boogie woman.

The wisdom of coming in out of the rain is entirely a function of what’s waiting for you inside.

In cyber espionage, the cloak and the dagger are one and the same.

Aging is about mind over matter – every year my matter drops another quarter inch below my mind.

It isn’t he who laughs last, but he whose laugh lasts.

No doubt zombie films are dumb, but I find it impressive that zombies can hold a camera relatively steady, let alone write a screenplay.

Am I the only person who thinks the theory of solipsism is totally stupid?

Never tell a warm-up joke before giving an intelligence briefing – just start the briefing so you can get straight to the really big laughs.

The hard part is over. Now comes the soft, gooey part that’s impossible to get off one’s shoes.

In comedy laughter settles all arguments.

Maybe if they had put a little more effort into it, the labor theory of value would be better appreciated today.

Says here there’s a reward,” Mr. Hooks said.Tallie blinked, then remembered Keith had added that tidbit for incentive. She opened her purse and scrutinized the contents of her slim wallet–twelve dollars and a book of...

Light, trivial comedy does not appeal – it is not something I go to see.

I knew I was in deep shit. I didn’t know how deep—just that I still hadn’t touched bottom.

In the real world, babysitting is a groovy way for young people to learn responsibility (and earn a little pocket money). In the Terrorverse, it’s a plot device used to kill teenagers.

You little prick. It’s a whelk…it’s a…it’s a…dead whelk!