If the weight comes from bacon you can so deduct it off the scale total to get your true weight. #science

I’ve been on a diet for two weeks and all I’ve lost is two weeks!”-Totie Fields-

I was making pancakes the other day and a fly flew into the kitchen. And that’s when I realized that a spatula is a lot like a fly swatter. And a crushed fly is a...

Comedy is a great tool. We are trying to find ways to use humor to enlighten people without preaching to them.

You know… the word “homeless”, gives you this very negative image. A filthy raggedy hobo… it’s no good. It’s too demeaning of a word if you ask me. It’s just not politically correct enough… If...

Sort of’ is such a harmless thing to say… sort of. It’s just a filler. Sort of… it doesn’t really mean anything. But after certain things, sort of means everything. Like… after “I love you”…...

If this comedy thing doesn’t work out, I’ve always got poverty to fall back on.

No one ever thinks about the guy who was raised by the guy who was raised by wolves.

Check my riddle, and I’ll let you play my fiddle.

Did you know I started out as a stand-up comic? People don’t believe me when I tell them. That’s how I saw myself, in comedy.

Here is my final point. About drugs, about alcohol, about pornography and smoking and everything else. What business is it of yours what I do, read, buy, see, say, think, who I fuck, what I...

I’m always doing comedy and will never hit up a 9-to-5 desk job.

Human life is a combination of tragedy and comedy. The shapes and designs that surround us are the music accompanying this tragedy and this comedy.

I hate working with sexy women.” Dimitri Pissec.

Tatiana is a ridiculously curvy thing of dreams, with smooth succulent thighs, long strawberry blond cascading beneath a teal bandana, and a nympho sparkle in her eyes that says pick me, lick me, spank me,...

If God gives you a hundred bucks, you better bet He’s going to ask you what you bought.

Ah! good Sir! no Whores before Dinner, I beseech you.”[Love’s Last Shift]

The place is also big enough. We could all live there without killing each other.” -Rhage”That depends more on your mouth than any floorplan.” -Phury

The first rule of book club – is that nobody wants to talk about book club.

A funny person is funny only for so long, but a wit can sit down and go on being spellbinding forever. One is not meant to laugh. One stays quiet and marvels. Spontaneously witty talk...

STROOM Legyen buta, csak jó polgár legyen. Ki mondja azt, hogy a lángész szükséges? Az államban eszünk nekünk elég van S gondoskodunk eléggé a tömegről. Annak nem is kell a fej, csak azért, Hogy sógorom,...

Life in the movie business is like the beginning of a new love affair: it’s full of surprises, and you’re constantly getting fucked.

Even though we all know something,There is a lot more to it.

[With comedy and wanting to make people laugh,] when you’re a child, all you want is ANY kind of laugh. You get them to laugh, and great! – you’ve succeeded. And then it’s “How FAST...

If you got caught with your pants down. I suppose the first question to ask is, what were you doing in a fishing net

I still want to do a romantic comedy or a western or a gritty independent film… there’s so much that I still want to do.

You are mad!” she snapped, her chest heaving. “And you are a devil!””And you, my dear,” Royce imperturbably replied, “are a bitch.” With that, heturned to the horrified friar and unhesitatingly announced, “The lady and...

The table was a large one, but the three were all crowded together at one corner of it: ‘No room! No room!’ they cried out when they saw Alice coming. ‘There’s plenty of room!’ said...

While There may be power in forgiveness, there is even more power in lobbing a Molotov cocktail through someone’s dining room window.

You don’t have to want to be in arelationship for a little bow-chicka-bow-wow.

I am writing your obituary. Well, not so much writing it as updating it,” HARV told me.If I lived, I was going to kill HARV.

Stop begging the question – get a job and earn the question like everyone else.

OK, maybe one iota, or two iotas at most, but definitely not three.

Wanna analyze my pocket litter?

If by ‘about’ you mean ‘in a circle around,’ then yes, we’re doing something about the problem.

Just because your opinion counts doesn’t mean it should multiply.

On the directory map in CIA Headquarters lobby, it says ‘You Aren’t Here.

If you feel badly enough about dialing a suicide prevention hotline by mistake, it wasn’t a mistake.

Guns don’t kill people. An AR-15 from the National Rifle Association told me so.

I also want to return to doing stand-up. I’ve become frightened of live audiences. This is a really telling sign that I need to go back on the comedy circuit again.

Ultimately, that question can only be answered by you.

Over the road there was a church: a modern gray building, which constantly played a recording of church bells. Strange it was. Why no proper bells? I never went in but I bet it was...

Every nook and cranny,” Marietta interrupted dryly and Gabrielle tipped her head back with a throaty laugh.

I should think a dead language would be rather boring, sociallyspeaking.

BARBARIC!

Comedy comes from confusion.

She threw up her hands. “All right. Why not?” Why not?” Sure.” His arms fell to his sides. “That’s it? I pour my heart out. I love you so much I’ve got freakin’ tears in...

Either to die the death or to abjureFor ever the society of men.Therefore, fair Hermia, question your desires;Know of your youth, examine well your blood,Whether, if you yield not to your father’s choice,You can endure...

There’s no savior here. Especially not at 1:15 a.m.

I am a stage actor. I do mostly improv comedy. The only national television stuff is ‘Archer’ and’ Frisky Dingo.’