I want to lose weight by eating nothing but moon pies, which have significantly less gravity than earthier foods such as fruits and vegetables.

I am here because I have to be here, as here I am supposed to be! All things should be, and usually are, found in their rightful places. Can you imagine how chaotic the world would be if nothing was in its correct place?

Which half do you want me to cut in half, Mr. Halfofhalf? The name’s Onequarter. Johnny Onequarter. And don’t you forget it.

A brick could be used to keep your sandwich pressed down, so your meat doesn’t spill out.

A brick is a fraction of a building, and a brick is like a building—if you’re like an ant.

I’m the kind of guy who turns my fan on in winter, only to then go and add another blanket on top of my bed. I practice inefficiency even while I sleep, so I’ll be prepared to one day be a politician.

A brick could be used as a cock block.

A brick could be used as a trophy, and when you get yours, believe me, you’ll have earned it.

A brick could be renamed something clever and cute, like President, and repackaged and resold to a solid base of sheep consumers every four years. The sheeple will never even notice that every new model of brick is exactly like the last brick!

A brick could be used as a pillow, if you first wrap it with a blanket. But if you’re shivering from being cold, don’t worry—I’ll cover you with my naked body.

A brick could be used to send Satan back from whence he came. But where did he come from? Probably Washington DC.

Four bricks could be affixed under a skateboard and used as really inefficient wheels. Ha! Let’s see Tony Hawk do tricks on that board. Actually, he probably could.

A brick could be licked, like a cat’s asshole. But obviously inversed, because your tongue is soft and the brick is rough.

Yeah” while the guy peeing next to you is talking, try a more positive affirmation, like pinching his butt cheek.

A brick could be used to make music. But why not use something more humane, like your armpit.

A brick could be used to enhance your sex life. So what are you waiting for? Get that gerbil out of your pants

Will you sleep with me?” I expect you to run to the bedroom, get naked, and get under the blanket. Whatever you do, do not reach for the brick.

Bricks could be used to pad the pockets of crooked politicians. Why stuff their greedy pockets with cash, when we could load them up with bricks and find out how good of swimmers they are?

Do either a brick or a blanket have Buddha nature? The answer is yes and no and maybe, in a Triangle of Truth where there is no is, and there is no isn’t.

A brick could be used to replace a flat tire. After all, you want to replace like with like, and what’s more flat than a brick?

A brick could be used to simulate a war opponent. Especially if your nemesis is paraplegic and without transportation.

A brick could be used to crush the Fruit of Desire and make the Juice of Destiny. Drink it before I lose my erection.

A brick could be used to illustrate your innocence. I can help you with that, because I brought a crayon.

A blanket could be used to stop abuse. Don’t cover up the atrocity—cover up your head, because what you don’t see, may as well not exist.

A brick could be used to crush the dreams of the little guy. Especially if that little guy’s dreams are roach like and scurrying across the kitchen floor.

A brick could be used to trick a snake into leaving your pet mouse alone. That way you’re free to use the mouse as you want to, you pervert.

A blanket could be used to water down the water. Don’t do it now! Wait until I am finished bathing.

I make love like a brick could be used as toilet paper. Sure, it’s rough, but I thought you liked that shit.

A brick could be used to help the needy. Giving a brick as a gift is a symbol showing you want to help build their future.

A blanket could be used as a warm topping on a hamburger, sort of like processed cheese, only tastier and healthier.

A blanket could be used for selfish reasons. I would list those reasons, but they’re mine—all of them. Mine, mine, mine, mine, mine.

A brick could be used to decorate the interior of your anus. Here, bend over and let me demonstrate.

A blanket could be used to ward off warts. I tested it out last Tuesday on my Aunt Velma, and she doesn’t have a wart on her body. It’s probably true that she didn’t have a wart on her body before I began my experiment, but that’s just part of the inaccuracies of science.

Stop” as you hold out a stiff arm and just stand there. It might feel like you’re waiting your whole life for that train to stop, and quite possibly you will wait your whole life for that train to stop. But from that point your life expectancy has decreased to just a few seconds, so...

A blanket could be used to separate the winners from the losers. With the exception of me, all men are losers, and only the winners are allowed under the blanket. Sorry, fellas, but there is nothing I can do about the situation.

A brick could be used to stop a tornado, unlike a mobile home, which only acts like a tornado magnet and seems to increase its power.

A brick could be used to suppress certain groups of people, particularly those individuals who are too weak to stand up and say Hey, somebody get this brick off of me—it’s crushing me!

A brick could be used as gift for the man who has everything. Here’s a tip: that man doesn’t have everything, because I just stole his wallet. But I can’t very well give him a gift of something I’ve just grifted. So while he’s pondering the meaning of the brick as a present, I’m off...

A brick could be used to stop a murder. Just wedge it in front of the door of the murderer, and enclose him in his room.

A brick is slow, when it’s lying on the floor. But fast when just thrown.

A blanket could be used to barter with. I could trade my blanket for your sex, and everybody’s happy but the tax collector.

I’ll weave the waves into a sea blanket of goodbye.

Brick could be the codename for Rick B. But why the need for secrecy? If I told you I’d have to blanket you.

A brick could be used to keep warm, and a blanket could be used to build a house.

If my semen had chunks of crumbled brick in it, would you use yogurt to try to impregnate your fireplace?

A brick could be used like a Viking skull holds soup. If you bring a spoon, I can quench your thirst—and your hunger.

A brick could be cast in Samuel Jackson roles. It would be cheaper and more dramatic.

A brick could be used like a used car salesman uses people. I know, because I used to sell cars. Well, technically I got fired precisely because I didn’t sell any cars.

My name is Mr. Brickton, and this brick, it weighs a ton.

If you come by my place, you might see a wheelbarrow full of broken bricks. I broke them with my fist. I was practicing for your face.