I want to lose weight by eating nothing but moon pies, which have significantly less gravity than earthier foods such as fruits and vegetables.

When the silent flamingo dances pink with desire, I’ll be there, sipping on owl stares and kitten curls.

A blanket would be a great surface to print my new book on, so you could read it in bed while you’re having boring, obligatory sex with your spouse, who’s as dry and exciting as...

A brick and a blanket represent two lovers who can never be together. I simply forbid it!

A brick could be exchanged for a bar of gold. But be sure you wait until the owner of the gold isn’t looking before you make the switch.

A brick could be used to commit genocide on a small patch of grass, if you lay the brick down on the lawn and leave it there long enough. But I do not condone this...

A brick could be used to help teach teenagers to tie their shoes. Honestly, if they are so stupid that they haven’t figured out how to tie their own shoes by now, torture really is...

People love to love, but I love to sleep, and that is why cats are closer to God than bricks are to blankets. –Cap’n Kintz

I think that probably all religions sound bizarre to the people who are not the practitioners of them.

A blanket could be used to aid a sinner’s nightly prayer. I’m not shaking because I’m cold—I’m trembling with trepidation over the Wrath of God.

A blanket could be used for anti-population-control purposes. Get naked and get under the blanket and I’ll show you how it works.

A blanket could be used to tell you exactly what I mean, at precisely the moment I don’t mean it. When I say go, Don’t!

A brick could be used to crush the Fruit of Desire and make the Juice of Destiny. Drink it before I lose my erection.

A blanket could be used as a tarp to cover an outdoor swimming pool the size of a bed. As far as training goes, swimming is such a snooze of a sport that I think...

I took a nap and used a napkin as a blanket. Obviously it was a small nap.

A blanket could be used to line the walls of the Love Chamber, to soundproof it so that nobody hears you scream.

A brown blanket could be used in place of chocolate frosting on a cake, and since nobody will want to eat it, you’ll be left with more cake for yourself.

I stitched an itch to my side. As far as surgeries go, I’m just barely scratching the surface.

A blanket could be used to make you laugh, and a joke could be used to keep you warm inside.

A brick could be used to make life easier. Start carrying one around with you everywhere you go, and you’ll see what I mean.

A brick could be used as a cuddle partner. Just glue some fur on it and voila! It’s as good as snuggling with any dead animal you find on the side of the highway. (Which...

Bricks could be used as words in the saying of a mason. When words and actions match up, you have a structure people could live in. It’s a lot to live up to, and a...

Brick could be the codename for Rick B. But why the need for secrecy? If I told you I’d have to blanket you.

Me: On time. Love: Late. Death: Early. Seriously, why are you late?

A blanket could be used as a tarp over one of those tiny circular inflatable pools for children. Well, you might call it a tarp, but I’d call it a trap. But I’ve already tried...

A brick is what the aliens gave me to communicate with them. It’s easy to operate. Just go to a party, or any crowded location, place the brick on your head, and stand perfectly still...

A brick could have been used as a father figure in place of my dad when I was growing up, because a brick may be dumb, but at least it isn’t dumb and interfering in...

M.

A blanket could be frozen and used to cool off a warm body as you slowly thaw it out.

A blanket could be divided into four even parts and given to three equal people. I’d be an ideal politician, because I believe in social progress.

EntropyThe Disintegrating Integration ofCheez-Whiz Squirts Insipid InspirationQuoth the Oblong Eclipse ofNether-Knowledge Never KnowingDecaying Matter in a Decaying OrbitOrangutans of ScienceStudy Ignorance of WhatThe Cows Already Know.

The More Interesting Than.” I would say get Miley Cyrus to do it, but she isn’t interesting enough.

A blanket could help me tell you I love you. Well, it could if I did, but I don’t, so I’ll just use the blanket to go to sleep on our relationship.

A blanket could be used to stop abuse. Don’t cover up the atrocity—cover up your head, because what you don’t see, may as well not exist.

A brick could be used to separate the Jorges from the hoorays.

A blanket could be used as a spy, because if you need to blend in and go under cover, what’s better than a banket?

I don’t need a blanket. I need your naked body on top of me.

A brick could be used as one ingredient on the greedy Cake of Love. Other ingredients include: Everything.

A brick could be utilized to teach the danger of procrastination. Ignoring the brick and pretending everything will work itself out is not going to transform it into a wall.

Bricks could be used to pad the pockets of crooked politicians. Why stuff their greedy pockets with cash, when we could load them up with bricks and find out how good of swimmers they are?

If you bring the blanket, I’ll bring the warmth.

A brick could be used to save humanity from mortality. Or at least save us from mortar.

A blanket could be used to reveal hidden mysteries. Quick, get naked and get under, and I will illuminate the night.

A blanket could be used to cover Mt. Rushmore. But if you rush more, you’re going to rip the blanket in the same way that the very fabric of our democracy is torn.

A brick could be used to communicate with the dead. I just spoke to Stalin, and he’s very pleased with the way America’s progressing, collectively, as a country.

I’m 30-years-old, and I still can’t get out from under my father’s shadow. He’s really tall, so maybe I’ll just ask him to move over a few feet.

A blanket could be used to suppress yawns. Just curl up in the technological wonder that is a blanket, lay your head back, and let the miracle of science cure your yawns.

A brick represents my rationality, and a blanket represents my emotions. It’s robot versus mannequin, and to get a sense of who I am as a person, you need some mortar and a pillow.

A brick could be used to keep thieves away from your house. Just set a brick outside your front door, and you won’t need any additional security. Years will go by and nobody will steal...

I’ll do it very quickly and spontaneously. I expect that it will be slightly strange and bizarre, but catchy at the same time.