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Bizarre  Quotes
I want to lose weight by eating nothing but moon pies, which have significantly less gravity than earthier foods such as fruits and vegetables.

—Jarod Kintz

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BizarreDietEarth
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A blanket could be used to aid a sinner’s nightly prayer. I’m not shaking because I’m cold—I’m trembling with trepidation over the Wrath of God.

—Jarod Kintz

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BizarreBrick-And-BlanketBrick-And-Blanket-Test
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A blanket could be used for anti-population-control purposes. Get naked and get under the blanket and I’ll show you how it works.

—Jarod Kintz

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A blanket could be used to tell you exactly what I mean, at precisely the moment I don’t mean it. When I say go, Don’t!

—Jarod Kintz

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A brick could be used to crush the Fruit of Desire and make the Juice of Destiny. Drink it before I lose my erection.

—Jarod Kintz

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A blanket could be used as a tarp to cover an outdoor swimming pool the size of a bed. As far as training goes, swimming is such a snooze of a sport that I think...

—Jarod Kintz

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I took a nap and used a napkin as a blanket. Obviously it was a small nap.

—Jarod Kintz

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A blanket could be used to line the walls of the Love Chamber, to soundproof it so that nobody hears you scream.

—Jarod Kintz

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A brown blanket could be used in place of chocolate frosting on a cake, and since nobody will want to eat it, you’ll be left with more cake for yourself.

—Jarod Kintz

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I stitched an itch to my side. As far as surgeries go, I’m just barely scratching the surface.

—Jarod Kintz

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A blanket could be used to make you laugh, and a joke could be used to keep you warm inside.

—Jarod Kintz

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A brick could be used to make life easier. Start carrying one around with you everywhere you go, and you’ll see what I mean.

—Jarod Kintz

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A brick could be used as a cuddle partner. Just glue some fur on it and voila! It’s as good as snuggling with any dead animal you find on the side of the highway. (Which...

—Jarod Kintz

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Bricks could be used as words in the saying of a mason. When words and actions match up, you have a structure people could live in. It’s a lot to live up to, and a...

—Jarod Kintz

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Brick could be the codename for Rick B. But why the need for secrecy? If I told you I’d have to blanket you.

—Jarod Kintz

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When the silent flamingo dances pink with desire, I’ll be there, sipping on owl stares and kitten curls.

—Jarod Kintz

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A blanket would be a great surface to print my new book on, so you could read it in bed while you’re having boring, obligatory sex with your spouse, who’s as dry and exciting as...

—Jarod Kintz

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BizarreBooksBoring
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A brick and a blanket represent two lovers who can never be together. I simply forbid it!

—Jarod Kintz

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A brick could be exchanged for a bar of gold. But be sure you wait until the owner of the gold isn’t looking before you make the switch.

—Jarod Kintz

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A brick could be used to commit genocide on a small patch of grass, if you lay the brick down on the lawn and leave it there long enough. But I do not condone this...

—Jarod Kintz

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A brick could be used to help teach teenagers to tie their shoes. Honestly, if they are so stupid that they haven’t figured out how to tie their own shoes by now, torture really is...

—Jarod Kintz

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People love to love, but I love to sleep, and that is why cats are closer to God than bricks are to blankets. –Cap’n Kintz

—Jarod Kintz

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I think that probably all religions sound bizarre to the people who are not the practitioners of them.

—Kirstie Alley

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The More Interesting Than.” I would say get Miley Cyrus to do it, but she isn’t interesting enough.

—Jarod Kintz

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A blanket could help me tell you I love you. Well, it could if I did, but I don’t, so I’ll just use the blanket to go to sleep on our relationship.

—Jarod Kintz

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A blanket could be used to stop abuse. Don’t cover up the atrocity—cover up your head, because what you don’t see, may as well not exist.

—Jarod Kintz

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A brick could be used to separate the Jorges from the hoorays.

—Jarod Kintz

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A blanket could be used as a spy, because if you need to blend in and go under cover, what’s better than a banket?

—Jarod Kintz

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I don’t need a blanket. I need your naked body on top of me.

—Jarod Kintz

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A brick could be used as one ingredient on the greedy Cake of Love. Other ingredients include: Everything.

—Jarod Kintz

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A brick could be utilized to teach the danger of procrastination. Ignoring the brick and pretending everything will work itself out is not going to transform it into a wall.

—Jarod Kintz

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Bricks could be used to pad the pockets of crooked politicians. Why stuff their greedy pockets with cash, when we could load them up with bricks and find out how good of swimmers they are?

—Jarod Kintz

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If you bring the blanket, I’ll bring the warmth.

—Jarod Kintz

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A brick could be used to save humanity from mortality. Or at least save us from mortar.

—Jarod Kintz

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A blanket could be used to reveal hidden mysteries. Quick, get naked and get under, and I will illuminate the night.

—Jarod Kintz

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A blanket could be used to cover Mt. Rushmore. But if you rush more, you’re going to rip the blanket in the same way that the very fabric of our democracy is torn.

—Jarod Kintz

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A brick could be used to communicate with the dead. I just spoke to Stalin, and he’s very pleased with the way America’s progressing, collectively, as a country.

—Jarod Kintz

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Me: On time. Love: Late. Death: Early. Seriously, why are you late?

—Jarod Kintz

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BizarreDeathEarly
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A blanket could be used as a tarp over one of those tiny circular inflatable pools for children. Well, you might call it a tarp, but I’d call it a trap. But I’ve already tried...

—Jarod Kintz

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BizarreBrick-And-BlanketFunny
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A brick is what the aliens gave me to communicate with them. It’s easy to operate. Just go to a party, or any crowded location, place the brick on your head, and stand perfectly still...

—Jarod Kintz

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A brick could have been used as a father figure in place of my dad when I was growing up, because a brick may be dumb, but at least it isn’t dumb and interfering in...

—Jarod Kintz

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M.

—Jarod Kintz

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AwesomeBizarreFunny
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A blanket could be frozen and used to cool off a warm body as you slowly thaw it out.

—Jarod Kintz

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A blanket could be divided into four even parts and given to three equal people. I’d be an ideal politician, because I believe in social progress.

—Jarod Kintz

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EntropyThe Disintegrating Integration ofCheez-Whiz Squirts Insipid InspirationQuoth the Oblong Eclipse ofNether-Knowledge Never KnowingDecaying Matter in a Decaying OrbitOrangutans of ScienceStudy Ignorance of WhatThe Cows Already Know.

—Ubiquitous Bubba

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BizarrePoetry
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I know. I’m sorry.” And the bizarre part is that I really am. I want to be good, to use the right fork and wear a pretty linen dress to breakfast. I want to be...

—Ally Carter

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BizarreGood
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A brick could be used to remind you. I would remind you of what you need to be reminded about, but that’s not my role—that’s the brick’s place.

—Jarod Kintz

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A brick could be used to not be used. Is my hair waving in the wind, or are your eyes twitching?

—Jarod Kintz

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Bricks could be used to neatly pack your suitcase. It would promote personal strength and frugality.

—Jarod Kintz

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A brick could be used to tell the time. If you can see it it’s daytime, and if you can’t see it it’s nighttime.

—Jarod Kintz

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