I want to lose weight by eating nothing but moon pies, which have significantly less gravity than earthier foods such as fruits and vegetables.

A blanket could be used to stop gun violence. Make sleep, not war.

A blanket could be used to aid a waiter with bringing out a large order of beer. Those customers can drape themselves in soggy drunkenness.

A brick could be used to crush the dreams of the little guy. Especially if that little guy’s dreams are roach like and scurrying across the kitchen floor.

A brick could be crushed, mixed with water, and drunk like a sports drink. And hey, with no bromated vegetable oil, it’s healthier than Gatorade.

Stop” as you hold out a stiff arm and just stand there. It might feel like you’re waiting your whole life for that train to stop, and quite possibly you will wait your whole life...

A flag could be used as a blanket, but a blanket couldn’t be used as a flag. A blanket provides real warmth, not the pseudo warmth that patriotism provides. A blanket-flag would leave you shivering—not...

A blanket could be used to eradicate the radical element that’s so pervasive and perverse in our society today. I’m talking about people sleeping in the nude, with nothing to cover their shame.

A blanket could be hung on your living room wall, and watched instead of nightly news. Not only would it be more honest, but it also would be more entertaining and thought provoking.

I managed to beat Michael Phelps’ 400 meter IM time. And not only did I beat his time, but I did it in exactly 200 meters.

To fly is to swim in the air, and a brick could be used as an as example to highlight man’s failure to fishbird.

A brick could be used as a Disappointment Cube. Here, I’m giving mine to you, because you really bummed me out, man.

A brick could be used in the same manner as a magician’s hat could be used as a basketball. I’m not suggesting a brick replace a basketball, because that’d be silly. But not as silly...

A brick could be used as toilet paper—especially if you just shit a brick. You could shit and wipe your way to a wall of privacy.

A brick could be used as a response when the cops ask you if you murdered your mother-in-law. Forget yes or no. Well, forget yes altogether, but use brick for every response except one: What...

Mosquito snobs sit on STOP signs trying to get out all the red.

A brick is a rust-colored blur of movement, caught in a moment, and transformed from motion into a physical object. Studying this brick would give scientists an insight into how fast I run.

A brick is a mythical object that empowers its handler and enables them to conquer the world and control the globe through secret occult knowledge. Just ask the Masons.

A blanket could be used to trick a bull into charging at you. After you trick the bull, trick a bear next, and then by that time all the investors will be playing your game,...

I started on ‘Neighbours’ when I was 14. It’s crazy to think now that I had such a bizarre adolescence.

A brick could be used as a paperweight, if the words you wrote weren’t weighty enough to hold it down.

A brick could be used to sell new shoes to a man with no hands. I would say a brick could be used to sell a handless man new gloves, but that’s a bit of...

I am here because I have to be here, as here I am supposed to be! All things should be, and usually are, found in their rightful places. Can you imagine how chaotic the world...

A brick could be used as a pettable non-furry and non-meowing cat.

A brick could be used to stall for time when the police are searching your place looking for a missing person. I kept telling them, I didn’t steal a person—I kidnapped a mannequin. Is that...

A brick could be covered in black fur, cradled, pet, and called Mr. Fizzlebush. The best part is that since it’ll sit still and silent on the bed, it won’t meow or run away when...

A brick could be used to deny you your dreams. And a blanket could be used as a gateway to all your dreams.

A blanket could be used like a trumpet could be used as a murder weapon. And if the cops ask you what I was doing on the night of June 6th, tell them I was...

A blanket could be used as a distraction. Wave it to the right, while you loot to the left.

A football could be swapped out for a brick, to make family reunion football games more fun. But I’m calling it right now: I get to be quarterback.

Surviving cancer is cool, but surviving old age is cooler.

A brick could be used as an identifier, for all those people with no real identities. I’m talking about clones, because just like bricks, each clone is exactly like the next.

A blanket could be used to fill in the blank.

A brick could be used to revive the spiritual movement in America. But are we as a people willing to accept the unacceptable into our lives? Sadly, I’m afraid I’m crying at the answer, which...

A brick could be used as a dream stimulator. Just tap it gently against your forehead. And if the mechanism gets stuck, just slam it down on your skull to jar everything loose.

A brick could be used in place of a diamond on a wedding ring. Your wife’s probably going to divorce you and take the house anyway, so you might as well give her the first...

I want to meet a guy named Art. I’d take him to a museum, hang him on the wall, criticize him, and leave.

My name is Davis Davis. And don’t call me Mr. Davis! How would you like it if I called you Mr. Archibald, or whatever your first name is?

A brick could be used as a child’s game to improve memory. I forgot how exactly, but then I never played much.

Through the miracle of science, or divine intervention, a brick could be made soft, like Jell-O, and a blanket could be made rigid, like the laws regarding the speed limit, as interpreted by the cop...

A brick should decide who gets to rule the people, and I should decide what rules determine whom the brick favors.

If, as the dowager had said, we are nothing but gene carriers, why do so many of us have to lead such strangely shaped lives? Wouldn’t our genetic purpose—to transmit DNA—be served just as well...

Duck!” Not a Feathery Quack Maker, but Get down!

A blanket could be used to reaffirm your faith in God, though I’d suggest using something a little firmer, like a brick.

get that”, we will forever be a society that thinks Beautiful Mind was a spy movie and every stranger is really a friend on Facebook.

A brick could be used to change the channel on a TV. Or at least turn it off—permanently.

A brick could be used to wade into dangerous territory with a man named Wade who builds houses made only of wood. But if you’re going to play with fire, I suggest you wear a...

A blanket could be used to crack the code of love. What is it, where do I find it, and how much do I charge people to buy it once I do find a reliable...

A blanket could be used to help acclimate your body for your after death experience. Hell is hot, so you’d better warm up first.

A blanket could be used like cloud cover