Laziness is the mother of all bad habits, but ultimately she is a mother and we should respect her

I like video games, but they’re really violent. I’d like to play a video game where you help the people who were shot in all the other games. It’d be called ‘Really Busy Hospital.

…I gotta burn these scales… sigh*

How’d you get to be so good at this?””I had a good teacher.””Better not have been Myrnin or I’ll have to kick his predatory ass.””I mean you, dummy.””Oh.

Noah held my hand and my bag as he escorted me to the third floor – the Women’s Pavilion. The elevator bell rang and the doors opened. “Jesus, Echo, circulation in my hand would be...

I was making pancakes the other day and a fly flew into the kitchen. And that’s when I realized that a spatula is a lot like a fly swatter. And a crushed fly is a...

World is so full of idiots that you can’t even imagine to escape. The only solution is isolation. But it still spares one!

Basil Stag Hare tut-tutted severely as he remarked to Ambrose Spike, ‘Tch, tch. Dreadful table manners. Just look at those three wallahs, kicking up a hullaballoo like that! Eating’s a serious business.

I want to lose weight by eating nothing but moon pies, which have significantly less gravity than earthier foods such as fruits and vegetables.

I must have killed a lot of cows in a past life for Karma to hate me this much.

I don’t need a personal trainer… I need someone to stalk me and threaten to kick my ass when I eat and drink stuff I’m not supposed to!

Students want female teachers to be warm and nurturing. When they aren’t, they get marked down across the board for being ‘bitches.” What’s a bitch? A woman who acts like a confident guy. Women are...

Then, yes, Shea, I would love to be your girlfriend.

Let me just say it out loud so we can laugh together: You’re going to find Johnny Depp, take him back to Vahalal, and put him in a zoo?

Sort of’ is such a harmless thing to say… sort of. It’s just a filler. Sort of… it doesn’t really mean anything. But after certain things, sort of means everything. Like… after “I love you”…...

He’s not doing anything he shouldn’t be doing, right?” “Like what?””Like hitting on you.””Ew. No, of course not. He doesn’t see me that way.” Michael shook his head and went back to his coffee.”What? You...

Check my riddle, and I’ll let you play my fiddle.

A philosopher is a blind man in a dark room looking for a black cat that isn’t there. A theologian is the man who finds it.

You’re right. Realistically, I’m a Ravenclaw.

Saw a headline: ‘World’s Ugliest Dog Dead.’ Not believing it for one minute.

I’m older than myself. At least I will be, once my clone gets here.

My father always told me I was too clever times half.

I can’t believe you don’t remememember my name.

I’m thirty-six years old and I’ve been married once and he left and I don’t want to feel this way anymore. Like I can’t be vulnerable. Can’t relax. It’s exhausting, always being on the defensive,...

I’m famous for my Shepherd’s Pie. Here’s my recipe: lamb, potatoes, cheese, peas, paprika, and a wool-covered apron for the chef/shepherd/wolf-like politician to wear while serving the sheeple up.

Even if I did create them myself, I still think I’m doing pretty well under the circumstances.

I have a whisper like a zipper. Your secret is safe in my pants.

My wife says she would never fake an orgasm – but if I want her to, she’s willing to fake faking one.

That’s where I went to buy my last watch.

Never tell a warm-up joke before giving an intelligence briefing – just start the briefing so you can get straight to the really big laughs.

How do you know you are who you are? How do you know you’re not simply a clone of who you think you are?

Leaving knots untied and scattering seeds to distract them will only work on vampires with OCD.

Love is as old as time, though it is considerably more difficult to stuff inside a watch.

I would have taken Zeb, purely for entertainment value, but he had an actual date, with a real girl. That hadn’t happened in a while, so I was a good friend and put my own...

I want to move to a ghost town and try to sell the population bodies to dwell in.

As an animal lover, I don’t like zoos. I feel the only creatures that should be caged behind bars are politicians, lobbyists, and lawyers. And rapists, but I’ve already listed that three times.

If god meant for people to talk into cellphones, he would’ve put our mouths on the side of our heads.

I worry about identity theft. What’s to stop somebody from cloning me to drain the cash from my bank account? And it’d be just as easy for my clone to pretend to be me as...

A blanket could be split in two—divided in half, like hereditary territory one inherits. And once you’ve got half the blanket, you’d better stay on your side of the bed—or else I’m going to tell...

That’s funny,” and when it’s funny, a person can’t say anything because they’re too busy laughing.

If you don’t know what love feels like, you’re in luck, because I just finished making a new pair of Love Gloves. They’re lined with fur and are perfect for a cold February 14th winter...

When you loathe yourself, a true friend will respect your honesty. And if you’ve been fortunate in life, he will probably share your opinion.

A brick on a stick could be licked like a lollipop.

I didn’t sacrifice everything for love, just my mother when love required a caesarian.

I long for your love like the length of a midget.

It’s funny how the people who know the least about you, always have the most to say.

I make love like Brett Favre threw his first pass as a Green Bay Packer—to himself. Obviously, himself is myself.

Brought up to respect the conventions, love had to end in marriage. I’m afraid it did.

A brick could be used to decorate a house. And not just one brick, thousands could be stacked and affixed together and really make your house not only feel like a home, but less drafty...

The shinbone is a device for finding furniture in a dark room.