Let me just say it out loud so we can laugh together: You’re going to find Johnny Depp, take him back to Vahalal, and put him in a zoo?

World is so full of idiots that you can’t even imagine to escape. The only solution is isolation. But it still spares one!

I don’t need a personal trainer… I need someone to stalk me and threaten to kick my ass when I eat and drink stuff I’m not supposed to!

Students want female teachers to be warm and nurturing. When they aren’t, they get marked down across the board for being ‘bitches.” What’s a bitch? A woman who acts like a confident guy. Women are...

Then, yes, Shea, I would love to be your girlfriend.

…I gotta burn these scales… sigh*

I like video games, but they’re really violent. I’d like to play a video game where you help the people who were shot in all the other games. It’d be called ‘Really Busy Hospital.

A fit, healthy body—that is the best fashion statement

Noah held my hand and my bag as he escorted me to the third floor – the Women’s Pavilion. The elevator bell rang and the doors opened. “Jesus, Echo, circulation in my hand would be...

Laziness is the mother of all bad habits, but ultimately she is a mother and we should respect her

I was making pancakes the other day and a fly flew into the kitchen. And that’s when I realized that a spatula is a lot like a fly swatter. And a crushed fly is a...

Radical Edwards’s profile? He’s a seven-foot tall ex-basketball pro hindu guru drag-queen alien.-Jet Black, from the Cowboy Bebop anime script

Basil Stag Hare tut-tutted severely as he remarked to Ambrose Spike, ‘Tch, tch. Dreadful table manners. Just look at those three wallahs, kicking up a hullaballoo like that! Eating’s a serious business.

I want to lose weight by eating nothing but moon pies, which have significantly less gravity than earthier foods such as fruits and vegetables.

I must have killed a lot of cows in a past life for Karma to hate me this much.

How’d you get to be so good at this?””I had a good teacher.””Better not have been Myrnin or I’ll have to kick his predatory ass.””I mean you, dummy.””Oh.

He’s not doing anything he shouldn’t be doing, right?” “Like what?””Like hitting on you.””Ew. No, of course not. He doesn’t see me that way.” Michael shook his head and went back to his coffee.”What? You...

Check my riddle, and I’ll let you play my fiddle.

Sort of’ is such a harmless thing to say… sort of. It’s just a filler. Sort of… it doesn’t really mean anything. But after certain things, sort of means everything. Like… after “I love you”…...

A philosopher is a blind man in a dark room looking for a black cat that isn’t there. A theologian is the man who finds it.

Well, Nero,” Genghis said, “I just wanted to give you this rose-a small gift of congratulations for the wonderful concert you gave us last night!””Oh, thank you,” Nero said, taking the rose out of Genghis’s...

A blanket could be used to silence your internal critic. And if you don’t shut him up, I’ll do it for you. Geez, I’m trying to read over here, and I can’t focus with his...

More than your circulatory system?”Eve silently kicked off the stilettos and backed up.

He stood and looked at me for a moment, taking in my outfit. “You look hot.””What? Me?” I stammered, completely flummoxed.”Yeah,” he said, still looking at me.”Oh. Um, thank you. I mean, not that you...

A blanket could be used like Lenny McDenny says hello. He never says hi, because he only says goodbye. He’s always leaving and never arriving. I’m like that too, except I’m always arriving and never...

Oh Gina…I didn’t even court you! God, I should date you first before I beg you to take off your clothes!

When you’re out in the wilderness and get back to base camp only to discover sleeping bag turndown service….that’s no chocolate on the pillow

A brick is a duplicate. It is a physical copy of the idea for a brick. And what’s the big idea? A brick represents unity, a notion of hey, let’s build something together. Like a...

And you would know so much about women, locked up in your castle.””Locked up with eight wives. And sometimes I make house calls for my bargainers. There’s many a lovely woman desperate enough to bargain...

It’s a sweet setup, I’ll admit. For all that the maids STILL show up each day with jumbo crucifixes, jumpy movements, and red eyes from crying over the short straw that drew them vampire duty.’...

I am nine fifteen feet tall. I mean nine fifteen time tall. I measure height with my watch.

I was a sports fan, but I also went to peace marches.

I needed something else, some kind of juice.He gave me a hooked-eyebrow glance and took a showy swig of the water. Mmm, he said, smacking his lips. Water-juice. It’s fantastic.

Ren took off his jacket, which slicited a squeak from Jennifer who was now totally focused on Ren’s golden-bronze biceps. His perfectly fitted muscle shirt showed off his extremely well-developed arms and chest. I hissed...

The whole romantic part of my life was a wipeout. I didn’t even own a belt.

Most humans expressed affection by pressing their lips together, a simple act, so why would anyone feel the need to research the process?

A brick could be used to dispel the very same lies that a blanket could be used to cover up.

My following is straight. I’m so glad.

Kyo Sohma: angrily pointing at Yuki Just like I’ll beat you one of these days Yuki: looking bored Wait wait I think I’ve heard this one before

A brick could be used to keep your sandwich pressed down, so your meat doesn’t spill out.

Live by this credo: have a little laugh at life and look around you for happiness instead of sadness. Laughter has always brought me out of unhappy situations.

Now you be careful in the real world” said Armpit ” Not everyone is as nice as us.

Yeah” while the guy peeing next to you is talking, try a more positive affirmation, like pinching his butt cheek.

I’ve been thinking about that proof I spoke of last time – that you’re where you’re supposed to be. And it occurred to me, can you prove you’d be better off somewhere else? If you’d...

What the hell happened to your leg?” Ang asked him. Matt looked down at his shin, which was scraped and oozing and seemed to be caked in mud. “Crashed.””Crashed what?” Ang asked. “My mountain bike....

I am the burrito wrapped up in a blanket. Eat my warmth.

Brooke?” he finally found the sense to ask. “What are you doing here?””I need a gun.”This was not how his dream was supposed to go.

I’m rarely rude except accidentally, and that doesn’t really count…

I think the warning labels on alcoholic beverages are too bland. They should be more vivid. Here is one I would suggest: “Alcohol will turn you into the same asshole your father was.

Even the pro prastinator should never procrastinate joy.