John Adams warned of the division of America into two great political parties. Luckily, the parties we ended up with are mediocre at best.

How’d you get to be so good at this?””I had a good teacher.””Better not have been Myrnin or I’ll have to kick his predatory ass.””I mean you, dummy.””Oh.

World is so full of idiots that you can’t even imagine to escape. The only solution is isolation. But it still spares one!

I like video games, but they’re really violent. I’d like to play a video game where you help the people who were shot in all the other games. It’d be called ‘Really Busy Hospital.

…I gotta burn these scales… sigh*

A fit, healthy body—that is the best fashion statement

I don’t need a personal trainer… I need someone to stalk me and threaten to kick my ass when I eat and drink stuff I’m not supposed to!

Students want female teachers to be warm and nurturing. When they aren’t, they get marked down across the board for being ‘bitches.” What’s a bitch? A woman who acts like a confident guy. Women are...

Noah held my hand and my bag as he escorted me to the third floor – the Women’s Pavilion. The elevator bell rang and the doors opened. “Jesus, Echo, circulation in my hand would be...

Then, yes, Shea, I would love to be your girlfriend.

I was making pancakes the other day and a fly flew into the kitchen. And that’s when I realized that a spatula is a lot like a fly swatter. And a crushed fly is a...

Radical Edwards’s profile? He’s a seven-foot tall ex-basketball pro hindu guru drag-queen alien.-Jet Black, from the Cowboy Bebop anime script

I have read the terms and conditions for growing up and I do not agree.

Basil Stag Hare tut-tutted severely as he remarked to Ambrose Spike, ‘Tch, tch. Dreadful table manners. Just look at those three wallahs, kicking up a hullaballoo like that! Eating’s a serious business.

I must have killed a lot of cows in a past life for Karma to hate me this much.

Let me just say it out loud so we can laugh together: You’re going to find Johnny Depp, take him back to Vahalal, and put him in a zoo?

The advantage of growing up with siblings is that you become very good at fractions.

Jack, be nimble, Jack, be quickJill’s a little whore and her alibis are dirty tricks

Laziness is the mother of all bad habits, but ultimately she is a mother and we should respect her

Sort of’ is such a harmless thing to say… sort of. It’s just a filler. Sort of… it doesn’t really mean anything. But after certain things, sort of means everything. Like… after “I love you”…...

He’s not doing anything he shouldn’t be doing, right?” “Like what?””Like hitting on you.””Ew. No, of course not. He doesn’t see me that way.” Michael shook his head and went back to his coffee.”What? You...

Check my riddle, and I’ll let you play my fiddle.

The first sign of maturity is the discovery that the volume knob also turns to the left.

A bully with charisma and top marks is still a bully. He’ll probably end up Prime Minister one day. God help us all.

I want to lose weight by eating nothing but moon pies, which have significantly less gravity than earthier foods such as fruits and vegetables.

A philosopher is a blind man in a dark room looking for a black cat that isn’t there. A theologian is the man who finds it.

You don’t appreciate a faithful husband when you’ve got one,’ said Tommy.’All my friends tell me you never know with husbands,’ said Tuppance.’You have the wrong kind of friends,’ said Tommy.

Lou, honey, I’ll buy you a new pair of shoes if you’ll stop flashing your panties at everyone sitting across the room from us. You are wearing panties, right?”I glance up and across at Stefan....

They sent the shrink round yesterday. He’s put me on Prozac. Prozac! He thinks I’m depressed.”Aren’t you depressed?”I wasn’t depressed.”You did try to kill yourself,’ I pointed out.’Yes. That’s what he said too. Apparently that’s...

In my opinion, all boyfriends should turn out to be secretly wealthy.

I do something. I’ll try not to hurt you.

I threatened to kung fu you. Oh my God.

…that was before I’d started thinking about how life stuck on a ship wouldn’t be so bad if Elder walked around pantless more.

Lilli . . . Lilli . . . Lilli.”Sweet Jesus, she was going to kill him. She’d just gotten to sleep. Now he was running a finger up and down her spine, saying her name...

How many people here have telekenetic powers? Raise my hand.

Hey, Geekoid!” yelled Duncan Dougal, “Why do you read so much? Don’t you know how to watch TV?

I started getting on my feet and clowning around, and they ended up putting me in a play when I was 12. And I was hooked.

They should make bubblegum that tastes like mashed potatoes. You know, for lovers.

Evil influence is like a nicotine patch, you cannot help but absorb what sticks to you.

An educated theologian: someone who’s better at rationalizing what they’re pretending to know.

C: What do you get when a giant sneezes?Out of the way. – Marigold

Lash had been explaining to her that it’s impolite to refer to an African American as a nigga, unless one was another African American, when Troy Lee came in and said, “She only speaks Cantonese.””She...

My dad was a ham, too. He could sell those women anything. Of all his sons, I was the only one he could trust to sell as well as he could. I was proud of...

Just think it through Ace. I’m sure the answer will come to you… eventually.” Jake sat there in silence, staring at the closed door to Sher’s bedroom. What had just happened here? Well, he’d just...

A man should be taller, older, heavier, uglier, and hoarser than his wife.

All men make mistakes, but married men find out about them sooner.

You’re right. I was having dinner with Zombie Carl the other night. You know, steaks, rare, and a bottle of vintage type A. He told me all his secrets, but too bad for you I...

We made love like two people trying to make love like three people in the trunk of a car.

Have you ever started to wave at someone and then realized they weren’t really waving at you, so you abort and go for a head scratch instead? That’s how I felt.

A brick could be used to help you become the next Great American Novelist. Hopefully after you use it to crack your own skull, and not too long after your death, the public will realize...