The advantage of growing up with siblings is that you become very good at fractions.

Noah held my hand and my bag as he escorted me to the third floor – the Women’s Pavilion. The elevator bell rang and the doors opened. “Jesus, Echo, circulation in my hand would be...

Radical Edwards’s profile? He’s a seven-foot tall ex-basketball pro hindu guru drag-queen alien.-Jet Black, from the Cowboy Bebop anime script

I was making pancakes the other day and a fly flew into the kitchen. And that’s when I realized that a spatula is a lot like a fly swatter. And a crushed fly is a...

Jack, be nimble, Jack, be quickJill’s a little whore and her alibis are dirty tricks

Laziness is the mother of all bad habits, but ultimately she is a mother and we should respect her

Basil Stag Hare tut-tutted severely as he remarked to Ambrose Spike, ‘Tch, tch. Dreadful table manners. Just look at those three wallahs, kicking up a hullaballoo like that! Eating’s a serious business.

I must have killed a lot of cows in a past life for Karma to hate me this much.

How’d you get to be so good at this?””I had a good teacher.””Better not have been Myrnin or I’ll have to kick his predatory ass.””I mean you, dummy.””Oh.

Let me just say it out loud so we can laugh together: You’re going to find Johnny Depp, take him back to Vahalal, and put him in a zoo?

World is so full of idiots that you can’t even imagine to escape. The only solution is isolation. But it still spares one!

I don’t need a personal trainer… I need someone to stalk me and threaten to kick my ass when I eat and drink stuff I’m not supposed to!

Students want female teachers to be warm and nurturing. When they aren’t, they get marked down across the board for being ‘bitches.” What’s a bitch? A woman who acts like a confident guy. Women are...

Then, yes, Shea, I would love to be your girlfriend.

John Adams warned of the division of America into two great political parties. Luckily, the parties we ended up with are mediocre at best.

I have read the terms and conditions for growing up and I do not agree.

…I gotta burn these scales… sigh*

I like video games, but they’re really violent. I’d like to play a video game where you help the people who were shot in all the other games. It’d be called ‘Really Busy Hospital.

A fit, healthy body—that is the best fashion statement

Sort of’ is such a harmless thing to say… sort of. It’s just a filler. Sort of… it doesn’t really mean anything. But after certain things, sort of means everything. Like… after “I love you”…...

A bully with charisma and top marks is still a bully. He’ll probably end up Prime Minister one day. God help us all.

The first sign of maturity is the discovery that the volume knob also turns to the left.

He’s not doing anything he shouldn’t be doing, right?” “Like what?””Like hitting on you.””Ew. No, of course not. He doesn’t see me that way.” Michael shook his head and went back to his coffee.”What? You...

Check my riddle, and I’ll let you play my fiddle.

I want to lose weight by eating nothing but moon pies, which have significantly less gravity than earthier foods such as fruits and vegetables.

A philosopher is a blind man in a dark room looking for a black cat that isn’t there. A theologian is the man who finds it.

Why is the poem called ‘The Road Not Taken,’ when it’s about the road that was taken?

Twinkle twinkle little star, I want to hit you with a car. Throw you off a bridge so high,Hope you break your neck and die.

He is very dry but also very funny… I think people tend to feel odd when I do my act. Unless you are an ironic person, it’s not a good place for you to be.

We’re wasting time here. I’ve got a sweet ass to paddle. Some legs to spread…

I think it’s something like Mr. Peter Sloane and the octogenarians. The other evening Mrs. Sloane was reading a newspaper ans she said to Mr. Sloane ‘I see here that another octogenarian has just died....

A brick could be used to build a house—or destroy it, one window at a time.

He should probably make love to her.

When I was growing up I always wanted to be someone. Now I realize I should have been more specific.

A brick could be used to sway the voters. But if you really want to sway them, try using a catchy song.

The sun weeps because it can no longer caress your skin or warm your lips.” He sifted his fingers through my hair. “I do not envy the sun, Eva. But I truly hate the moon,...

What do you call a rifle with three barrels?A trifle.

A blanket could be used for selfish reasons. I would list those reasons, but they’re mine—all of them. Mine, mine, mine, mine, mine.

If at first you don’t succeed then skydiving definitely isn’t for you.

Only then did I see. Something was amiss with Patrick’s snap-on one piece, or “onesie” as we manly dads like to call it. His chubby thighs, I now realized, were squeezed into the armholes, which...

A blanket could be used to sell ice cream to streakers. Well, it could, if those naked runners didn’t leave their wallets in their pants.

I live on shameless flattery…and vodka…but the two usually go hand in hand.

Oh you rebel you!

A blanket, as the epitome of warmth, could be used to stop colds. Also, sex with me might be the surest way to prevent a cold.

And just so you know for the future, I like my double-chocolate chipcookies warm and soft in the middle . . . and without magnets glued to them.

^Do every day a thing that scares you_♥

A brick could be used to attract a potential life partner. Yes indeed, and it’s how I met my ex wife. And the only reason she didn’t become my life partner was because I outlived...

And I thought, when I have kids, that’s the sort of well told, silly, and fun fairy tale that I would want to take them to. But it was an amazing experience. And I think...

New Yorkers, I figured, just pretended to be unfriendly.

If a blanket could be used to keep one person warm, then it stands to reason that all the blankets in the world are to blame for global warming, and I think our political leaders,...