How’d you get to be so good at this?””I had a good teacher.””Better not have been Myrnin or I’ll have to kick his predatory ass.””I mean you, dummy.””Oh.

World is so full of idiots that you can’t even imagine to escape. The only solution is isolation. But it still spares one!

John Adams warned of the division of America into two great political parties. Luckily, the parties we ended up with are mediocre at best.

I don’t need a personal trainer… I need someone to stalk me and threaten to kick my ass when I eat and drink stuff I’m not supposed to!

Students want female teachers to be warm and nurturing. When they aren’t, they get marked down across the board for being ‘bitches.” What’s a bitch? A woman who acts like a confident guy. Women are...

Then, yes, Shea, I would love to be your girlfriend.

I like video games, but they’re really violent. I’d like to play a video game where you help the people who were shot in all the other games. It’d be called ‘Really Busy Hospital.

…I gotta burn these scales… sigh*

A fit, healthy body—that is the best fashion statement

Noah held my hand and my bag as he escorted me to the third floor – the Women’s Pavilion. The elevator bell rang and the doors opened. “Jesus, Echo, circulation in my hand would be...

The advantage of growing up with siblings is that you become very good at fractions.

I was making pancakes the other day and a fly flew into the kitchen. And that’s when I realized that a spatula is a lot like a fly swatter. And a crushed fly is a...

Radical Edwards’s profile? He’s a seven-foot tall ex-basketball pro hindu guru drag-queen alien.-Jet Black, from the Cowboy Bebop anime script

Basil Stag Hare tut-tutted severely as he remarked to Ambrose Spike, ‘Tch, tch. Dreadful table manners. Just look at those three wallahs, kicking up a hullaballoo like that! Eating’s a serious business.

I want to lose weight by eating nothing but moon pies, which have significantly less gravity than earthier foods such as fruits and vegetables.

I must have killed a lot of cows in a past life for Karma to hate me this much.

Jack, be nimble, Jack, be quickJill’s a little whore and her alibis are dirty tricks

Laziness is the mother of all bad habits, but ultimately she is a mother and we should respect her

Let me just say it out loud so we can laugh together: You’re going to find Johnny Depp, take him back to Vahalal, and put him in a zoo?

He’s not doing anything he shouldn’t be doing, right?” “Like what?””Like hitting on you.””Ew. No, of course not. He doesn’t see me that way.” Michael shook his head and went back to his coffee.”What? You...

Sort of’ is such a harmless thing to say… sort of. It’s just a filler. Sort of… it doesn’t really mean anything. But after certain things, sort of means everything. Like… after “I love you”…...

Check my riddle, and I’ll let you play my fiddle.

A philosopher is a blind man in a dark room looking for a black cat that isn’t there. A theologian is the man who finds it.

The question isn’t whether it’s SFW, the question is whether W is SF it.

I want to write a song about retaliation called, “Oh Yeah, and I Faked Every Orgasm…While You Were Out of Town.

I offered you a choice, and you took it.”I shot him what I hoped was a truly scathing glare. “Some choice. I was dying. Some drunk shot me from a pickup. Why wouldn’t I have...

I’ll be 30 in March, and it feels just like yesterday that I thought tomorrow will soon be today.

The truth can never hurt a just cause. The cause’s security team will intercept the truth long before it gets close enough to pose a threat.

A brick could be affixed to each end of an axle, for an example of transportation in a pre-wheel society.

A brick could be used to test my new levitation machine. Still, I’d rather test the machine out by seeing if it can lift my heavy, elephantine penis off the floor. But before I turn...

Through the window yesterday I saw a fool talking to himself, and it made me laugh, until I realized it was a mirrored window.

A brick could be substituted in for Rhode Island as a US state, because they’re roughly the same size, the have the same population (the brick may have one less person), and Grandma Kintz makes...

I sleep with an astronaut’s helmet on my head, just in case I get into a high-speed crash with space during the middle of the night.

Which is your bad shoulder?”His brows knit together. “The left,” he said carefully.She slugged him in the right.He staggered. Steadied himself. Grinned. “Is that like some weird Wyoming mating ritual thing I should know about?””Damn...

A man wrapped up in himself always suffocates. But his loved ones will forever hold in their hearts the memory of that Christmas.

I am a bowling alley celebrity. Women throw themselves at me. Sometimes other women (larger women) throw other women (smaller women) at me.

Don’t worry, the situation is undercontrolled

When nobody practices what they strongly believe in, that day will be a triumph of prudence.

I feel like someone who has a parade named in their honor, and doesn’t get invited.

Charles Schultz: Don’t be afraid the world will end today. It’s already tomorrow in Australia.The Covert Comic: I’ve been calling Australia all morning, and there’s no answer.

Housewife: a position requiring great ambition to fill. Must have the determination to scrub mold, the good taste to distribute a checking account, and the good will to repeat this at a maid service or...

The best part about falling in love with a slab of meatloaf is now I get to use my ketchup-dispensing backpack when making love.

They walked to school, talking about how much they were longing for the summer holidays.”Oh, I am planning things,” said Jamie. “Great, great things. I could join a band.””You gave up the guitar after two...

The amount of educational programming on television today is simply desensitizing. The only reason left to go to school is to see gun violence.

This is my building—and my office has the best possible view.”

I almost forgot to tell you – you have the right to remain silent, but if you do, my boys at the station will process your bones to help you confess.

Why does someone believe you when you say there are four billion stars, but check when you say the paint is wet?

I’ve demanded of myself to be more demanding of others.

Ugly truths are the biggest source of indigestion in humans.

Nice costume,” he said. “Ditto. I can tell you put a lot of thought into yours.”Amusement curled his mouth. “If you don’t like it, I can take it off.