I like video games, but they’re really violent. I’d like to play a video game where you help the people who were shot in all the other games. It’d be called ‘Really Busy Hospital.

…I gotta burn these scales… sigh*

Noah held my hand and my bag as he escorted me to the third floor – the Women’s Pavilion. The elevator bell rang and the doors opened. “Jesus, Echo, circulation in my hand would be...

How’d you get to be so good at this?””I had a good teacher.””Better not have been Myrnin or I’ll have to kick his predatory ass.””I mean you, dummy.””Oh.

I was making pancakes the other day and a fly flew into the kitchen. And that’s when I realized that a spatula is a lot like a fly swatter. And a crushed fly is a...

Basil Stag Hare tut-tutted severely as he remarked to Ambrose Spike, ‘Tch, tch. Dreadful table manners. Just look at those three wallahs, kicking up a hullaballoo like that! Eating’s a serious business.

I want to lose weight by eating nothing but moon pies, which have significantly less gravity than earthier foods such as fruits and vegetables.

I must have killed a lot of cows in a past life for Karma to hate me this much.

World is so full of idiots that you can’t even imagine to escape. The only solution is isolation. But it still spares one!

Let me just say it out loud so we can laugh together: You’re going to find Johnny Depp, take him back to Vahalal, and put him in a zoo?

I don’t need a personal trainer… I need someone to stalk me and threaten to kick my ass when I eat and drink stuff I’m not supposed to!

Students want female teachers to be warm and nurturing. When they aren’t, they get marked down across the board for being ‘bitches.” What’s a bitch? A woman who acts like a confident guy. Women are...

Then, yes, Shea, I would love to be your girlfriend.

Sort of’ is such a harmless thing to say… sort of. It’s just a filler. Sort of… it doesn’t really mean anything. But after certain things, sort of means everything. Like… after “I love you”…...

He’s not doing anything he shouldn’t be doing, right?” “Like what?””Like hitting on you.””Ew. No, of course not. He doesn’t see me that way.” Michael shook his head and went back to his coffee.”What? You...

Check my riddle, and I’ll let you play my fiddle.

A philosopher is a blind man in a dark room looking for a black cat that isn’t there. A theologian is the man who finds it.

I can’t remember what I said to her, and she can’t remember what she heard. I must have said I love you.

Instead of putting flowers in books to flatten them you can use a brick.

What can I say about love that’s never been said by me or anyone else? Well, sometimes love smells like my farts, after I eat a dozen roses.

He’s such a dear, Mr. Garnet. A beautiful, pure, bred Persian. He has taken prizes.””He’s always taking something – generally food.

I wanted to play with death, like a child with a new toy, I wanted to push all the buttons and see what would happen.

I’d given him bits and pieces of my peculiar life, but colored softer and funnier than they had been. I’d painted my dad as Don Quixote in a semi, on a quest for philosophical truths...

I want to write the Boston Marathon of run-on sentences. And since it’ll be so long, I’ll replace all the commas with the word Gatorade, to help push people through it.

You cannot control faeries. Can. Not. They aren’t logical or rational. They don’t obey the same laws (physical, social, emotional, traffic – you name it) that we do.

Selling something only to steal it back to sell again is not only dishonest, but highly profitable.

Yes, I’m back,” he said, “And look who I ran into.”Horace grinned at him. “i hope you ran into him hard.””As hard as I could.

To me, the perfect date consists of dinner, dancing, and sex with a girl who has no stomach or legs, but does have an overactive sex drive.

Oh, I love it when you get all bossy-pants. It’s sexy.

My cousin fell in love with a dom, so I checked into it to see if I needed to kill him before they got married.

You had to get out of them occasionally, those Illinois towns with funny names: Paris. Oblong. Normal. Once, when the Dow Jones hit 200 points, the paper’s banner headline read: ‘Normal Man Marries Oblong Woman.’

I just bought a small condo overlooking the water. The water is in a cup, one floor below my unit.

Hold up. How do you accidentally have sex with somebody?” Adina scoffed. “Is she all, ‘Oh, I’m so sorry, I didn’t s ee your penis there’?”Tiara squealed and waved her hands. “Don’t say that word!””What?...

The other day I went to the Huddle House. I wasn’t hungry, I just wanted to call some plays.

I might be able to walk away from sexy, dangerous shifters, but chocolate had me at its beck and call.

There’s nothing funny about war. Well, aside from this joke Orafoura told me: What did WWI say to WWII? I wish I could tell you the punch line, but the restaurant was so noisy that...

Actually, I didn’t like Dartmouth very much, but the whole theater scene I really liked.

Did you ever get the feeling that the world was a tuxedo and you were a pair of brown shoes?

I hope that the kind reader recognises this as a despairing attempt at humour.

You look just like you!

A man will go to war, fight and die for his country. But he won’t get a bikini wax.

Real men don’t lift weights, they lift women.

Knowledge is a rope, and you’re weaving a noose out of it. Leave some slack for the enemy.

Don’t shave my head to make your wig of selfishness. Shave it because you care.

Fat people are funny … until obesity pays your loved one a visit.

Yesterday I memorized Shakespeare, and tomorrow I’m also going to memorize his first name.

Should I worry about going to sleep?”She blinked, then laughed under her breath. At least Sam took her threats somewhat seriously.

The best part about being kidnapped is being blindfolded and getting kicked into the trunk of a car. Boy, normally I have to beg my friends to treat me that well.

The meaning of life is XXXXXXXXXXX… Redaction mark? What redaction mark?

The toddler started making this whine/moan noise while pawing at Tabitha. I know as a woman I’m supposed to have this innate love of babies, but the truth is, they kind of remind me of...