John Adams warned of the division of America into two great political parties. Luckily, the parties we ended up with are mediocre at best.

Jack, be nimble, Jack, be quickJill’s a little whore and her alibis are dirty tricks

Laziness is the mother of all bad habits, but ultimately she is a mother and we should respect her

I like video games, but they’re really violent. I’d like to play a video game where you help the people who were shot in all the other games. It’d be called ‘Really Busy Hospital.

How’d you get to be so good at this?””I had a good teacher.””Better not have been Myrnin or I’ll have to kick his predatory ass.””I mean you, dummy.””Oh.

…I gotta burn these scales… sigh*

A fit, healthy body—that is the best fashion statement

Noah held my hand and my bag as he escorted me to the third floor – the Women’s Pavilion. The elevator bell rang and the doors opened. “Jesus, Echo, circulation in my hand would be...

World is so full of idiots that you can’t even imagine to escape. The only solution is isolation. But it still spares one!

I was making pancakes the other day and a fly flew into the kitchen. And that’s when I realized that a spatula is a lot like a fly swatter. And a crushed fly is a...

Radical Edwards’s profile? He’s a seven-foot tall ex-basketball pro hindu guru drag-queen alien.-Jet Black, from the Cowboy Bebop anime script

Basil Stag Hare tut-tutted severely as he remarked to Ambrose Spike, ‘Tch, tch. Dreadful table manners. Just look at those three wallahs, kicking up a hullaballoo like that! Eating’s a serious business.

I don’t need a personal trainer… I need someone to stalk me and threaten to kick my ass when I eat and drink stuff I’m not supposed to!

I must have killed a lot of cows in a past life for Karma to hate me this much.

Students want female teachers to be warm and nurturing. When they aren’t, they get marked down across the board for being ‘bitches.” What’s a bitch? A woman who acts like a confident guy. Women are...

I want to lose weight by eating nothing but moon pies, which have significantly less gravity than earthier foods such as fruits and vegetables.

Then, yes, Shea, I would love to be your girlfriend.

Let me just say it out loud so we can laugh together: You’re going to find Johnny Depp, take him back to Vahalal, and put him in a zoo?

The advantage of growing up with siblings is that you become very good at fractions.

Sort of’ is such a harmless thing to say… sort of. It’s just a filler. Sort of… it doesn’t really mean anything. But after certain things, sort of means everything. Like… after “I love you”…...

He’s not doing anything he shouldn’t be doing, right?” “Like what?””Like hitting on you.””Ew. No, of course not. He doesn’t see me that way.” Michael shook his head and went back to his coffee.”What? You...

Check my riddle, and I’ll let you play my fiddle.

A philosopher is a blind man in a dark room looking for a black cat that isn’t there. A theologian is the man who finds it.

It was around then that the phone rang. It was my friend Cee Cee, wanting to know if I cared to join her and Adam McTavish at the Coffee Clutch to drink iced tea and...

I like to vote, but not be voted on. I don’t mind losing one on one, but to lose through a vote means the majority think I’m a loser.

Regular people are used to rudeness; we get it all the time, we’re inured to it. The wealthy aren’t; it hurts their feelings, or whatever they have in there.

Why had she set limits like no sex? I want sex.

Anthony Bridgerton leaned back in his leather chair,and then announced, “I’m thinking about getting married.”Benedict Bridgerton, who had been indulging in a habit his mother detested—tipping his chair drunkenly on the back two legs—fell over.Colin...

My wife was saying to me just the other day how she’s noticed a spring in my step lately. That was because I thought you were gone forever.’ ‘I missed you too, Thurid.

Or, ‘Holy Kleenex, Batman, it was right under our nose and we blew it!’

Hmmm… that’s interesting.””What?””There seems to be a gentleman walking towards us with a shotgun.

There’s something I gotta tell you,” he said in a confidential tone as he leaned toward her. His face was close to hers, too close. He was making her uncomfortable again, as he no doubt...

I want to merge a Phoenix with a Camel to create the world’s first everlasting cigarette. It’ll be a cigarette that rises from its own ashes, so you can keep smoking it indefinitely.

At least you left out the oh-my-God sauce this time.””Made myself a batch with it,” Shane said. “It’s got the biohazard sticker on it in the fridge, so don’t bitch if you get flamed.

The truth is like a nipple: the more you twist it, the more somebody is going to get hurt.

or I’ll call you Fussy Pants, instead of Silly Pants!

If Duncan was ever into men then he’s been so far in the closet he’s been living in Narnia.

The time you spend grieving over a man should never exceed the amount of time you actually spent with him.

Oh, hell, he’d look hot in a chicken suit.

You get a promotion?””I got a polite, but firm suggestion to be a team player. […]””You got off easy. One of my commanding officers once threw a paperweight at me.””We’re a bit more subtle.

It’s been nice knowing you, Clara, Huh? My brain still a bit shell-shocked.Say a prayer for me, will you? He gives me a shaky grin. Because I’m pretty sure my parents are going to kill...

In my experience, the romance novels written about BDSM have about as much in common with actual BDSM relationships as a child playing with a jump rope.

If I were an armadillo, and a stranger came up and said I looked familiar, and they wanted to know why I looked so familiar, I’d respond in a raspy voice, “Your brother ran over...

Most of the time romance isn’t even about love, anyway. It’s about escape. Fantasy. Salvation from the mundane. Save me from boredom, from exhaustion, from my undersexed body, from microwave dinners and reality TV, from...

Flowers and fear are a lot alike. For one, flowers and fear have a distinct smell, and two, I’m currently trying to grow both in my garden.

What smells good may not always taste good, I leaned this the day I tried to eat a scented candle.

Some guys are the type of people who bring brass knuckles to a fight. I’ve always thought it prudent to bring some running shoes.

All is not lost – so why the hell should it stop to ask for directions???

If you were to ask me what’s under my bed, I’d tell you shoes. They’re brown, and they’re still attached to the body that’s been decomposing there since I hid it three days ago.

Redaction marks are the truth dressed in black burqa.