Noah held my hand and my bag as he escorted me to the third floor – the Women’s Pavilion. The elevator bell rang and the doors opened. “Jesus, Echo, circulation in my hand would be...

I was making pancakes the other day and a fly flew into the kitchen. And that’s when I realized that a spatula is a lot like a fly swatter. And a crushed fly is a...

Radical Edwards’s profile? He’s a seven-foot tall ex-basketball pro hindu guru drag-queen alien.-Jet Black, from the Cowboy Bebop anime script

Basil Stag Hare tut-tutted severely as he remarked to Ambrose Spike, ‘Tch, tch. Dreadful table manners. Just look at those three wallahs, kicking up a hullaballoo like that! Eating’s a serious business.

I want to lose weight by eating nothing but moon pies, which have significantly less gravity than earthier foods such as fruits and vegetables.

I must have killed a lot of cows in a past life for Karma to hate me this much.

Laziness is the mother of all bad habits, but ultimately she is a mother and we should respect her

Let me just say it out loud so we can laugh together: You’re going to find Johnny Depp, take him back to Vahalal, and put him in a zoo?

How’d you get to be so good at this?””I had a good teacher.””Better not have been Myrnin or I’ll have to kick his predatory ass.””I mean you, dummy.””Oh.

World is so full of idiots that you can’t even imagine to escape. The only solution is isolation. But it still spares one!

I don’t need a personal trainer… I need someone to stalk me and threaten to kick my ass when I eat and drink stuff I’m not supposed to!

Students want female teachers to be warm and nurturing. When they aren’t, they get marked down across the board for being ‘bitches.” What’s a bitch? A woman who acts like a confident guy. Women are...

Then, yes, Shea, I would love to be your girlfriend.

…I gotta burn these scales… sigh*

I like video games, but they’re really violent. I’d like to play a video game where you help the people who were shot in all the other games. It’d be called ‘Really Busy Hospital.

A fit, healthy body—that is the best fashion statement

Check my riddle, and I’ll let you play my fiddle.

Sort of’ is such a harmless thing to say… sort of. It’s just a filler. Sort of… it doesn’t really mean anything. But after certain things, sort of means everything. Like… after “I love you”…...

He’s not doing anything he shouldn’t be doing, right?” “Like what?””Like hitting on you.””Ew. No, of course not. He doesn’t see me that way.” Michael shook his head and went back to his coffee.”What? You...

A philosopher is a blind man in a dark room looking for a black cat that isn’t there. A theologian is the man who finds it.

Please stop talking. I’m trying to eat.

When someone says so-and-so’s opinionated, what’s that mean? Aren’t we all opinionated? Show me one person with no opinions, and I’ll show you a bowl of Jell-O—or a politician, whichever one’s dumber.

Wisdom of the Ages: “Government” Like a mafia protection racket-without the protection.

A brick could be used as a cock block.

Revenge of the Giant Grill Man.

A brick and a blanket could be used to show creativity, by making them the subjects of a divergence test. Oh wait, that’s what this is. Nevermind.

My very first job was at McDonalds. In that job I learned an important principle: When something goes wrong at work, blame the guy who gets killed.

Once there was an elephant,Who tried to use the telephant-No! no! I mean an elephoneHe tried to use the telephone-(Dear me! I am not certain quiteThat even now I’ve got it right.)Howe’er it was, he...

A brick could be used to destroy your mannequin lover. It’s the only proper thing to do. Remember, I was the one who warned you about dating a politician.

Jewelry takes people’s minds off your wrinkles

[Clover] secretly hitched a ride with a nice German couple and their new baby…Clover appeared to the baby, so as to be a delightful, soothing surprise. Well, the child did like Clover. In fact, she...

A brick could be used to revive the spiritual movement in America. But are we as a people willing to accept the unacceptable into our lives? Sadly, I’m afraid I’m crying at the answer, which...

If you die in an elevator, be sure to push the up button.

I mean, I don’t know why, since I’m simply delightful to be around. But to each his own taste.

A brick could be used in the same manner as a magician’s hat could be used as a basketball. I’m not suggesting a brick replace a basketball, because that’d be silly. But not as silly...

GOD. Sometimes I think there might be a god out there, and that every once in a while he tunes in to see what we’re up to, and have a good laugh at how we...

transformed” her into a cheerleader by the end of the show. I was just wondering: what if she liked field hockey better?

I’m not scared any more,’ said Midge. ‘Thank you, Kevin. Sometimes you can be very kind.’‘Yes,’ said Kevin. ‘And if you tell that to any of the other trolls I will pull off your nose...

Are you wearing space pants?” Miranda asked him.”What?”How did it end? oh, right. “Because your butt is fine.”He gazed at her in that way he had like he was measuring her for straitjacket. “I think-”...

I wont take no for an answer. I will use this to bind you to my bed until you change your mind if you dont answer the way I want you to. Will you marry...

A brick could be used in speech therapy, to cure a stutter. I mean look at me, I don’t have a stutter. But to be fair, I never did have a stutter, so I can’t...

When I get real bored, I like to drive downtown and get a great parking spot, then sit in my car and count how many people ask if I’m leaving.

You just wanted to walk in front of me so I’d have to stare at your butt

Politically, Republicans and Democrats are at opposite ends. One’s a burp and the other’s a fart.

One afternoon, when I was four years old, my father came home, and he found me in the living room in front of a roaring fire, which made him very angry. Because we didn’t have...

Crazy moment!! When you suddenly laughed because you remember something funny and then realised that strangers were lookin at you weirdly (why the hell he’s laughin) and immediately you changed your expression to serious.

I actually think I’m more of a turtle than Verne is. Where Verne is up on two legs and moving at full speed and doesn’t pull his head into the shell very often, I in...

A text pops up on the screen. It’s from Luis. I can’t help but grin when I read his perfectly thought-out message.Luis: Hey

Sorry, no professionals.

i think that i was a rat in rat wheel in my previous life… can not forget the habit