Let me just say it out loud so we can laugh together: You’re going to find Johnny Depp, take him back to Vahalal, and put him in a zoo?

How’d you get to be so good at this?””I had a good teacher.””Better not have been Myrnin or I’ll have to kick his predatory ass.””I mean you, dummy.””Oh.

World is so full of idiots that you can’t even imagine to escape. The only solution is isolation. But it still spares one!

I don’t need a personal trainer… I need someone to stalk me and threaten to kick my ass when I eat and drink stuff I’m not supposed to!

Students want female teachers to be warm and nurturing. When they aren’t, they get marked down across the board for being ‘bitches.” What’s a bitch? A woman who acts like a confident guy. Women are...

Then, yes, Shea, I would love to be your girlfriend.

John Adams warned of the division of America into two great political parties. Luckily, the parties we ended up with are mediocre at best.

I like video games, but they’re really violent. I’d like to play a video game where you help the people who were shot in all the other games. It’d be called ‘Really Busy Hospital.

…I gotta burn these scales… sigh*

A fit, healthy body—that is the best fashion statement

The advantage of growing up with siblings is that you become very good at fractions.

Noah held my hand and my bag as he escorted me to the third floor – the Women’s Pavilion. The elevator bell rang and the doors opened. “Jesus, Echo, circulation in my hand would be...

I was making pancakes the other day and a fly flew into the kitchen. And that’s when I realized that a spatula is a lot like a fly swatter. And a crushed fly is a...

Radical Edwards’s profile? He’s a seven-foot tall ex-basketball pro hindu guru drag-queen alien.-Jet Black, from the Cowboy Bebop anime script

Jack, be nimble, Jack, be quickJill’s a little whore and her alibis are dirty tricks

Laziness is the mother of all bad habits, but ultimately she is a mother and we should respect her

Basil Stag Hare tut-tutted severely as he remarked to Ambrose Spike, ‘Tch, tch. Dreadful table manners. Just look at those three wallahs, kicking up a hullaballoo like that! Eating’s a serious business.

I want to lose weight by eating nothing but moon pies, which have significantly less gravity than earthier foods such as fruits and vegetables.

I must have killed a lot of cows in a past life for Karma to hate me this much.

He’s not doing anything he shouldn’t be doing, right?” “Like what?””Like hitting on you.””Ew. No, of course not. He doesn’t see me that way.” Michael shook his head and went back to his coffee.”What? You...

Check my riddle, and I’ll let you play my fiddle.

Sort of’ is such a harmless thing to say… sort of. It’s just a filler. Sort of… it doesn’t really mean anything. But after certain things, sort of means everything. Like… after “I love you”…...

A philosopher is a blind man in a dark room looking for a black cat that isn’t there. A theologian is the man who finds it.

Lou, honey, I’ll buy you a new pair of shoes if you’ll stop flashing your panties at everyone sitting across the room from us. You are wearing panties, right?”I glance up and across at Stefan....

I want to learn the language of the sun, and burn Agatha’s eyes out with my love poems.

Motivational Secret of the Week: A clenched fist cannot give the finger.

I do something. I’ll try not to hurt you.

If you feel like you’re drowning, don’t forget that it is just a feeling; it will pass with love and care. If you’re actually drowning, then how are you reading this?

The Central Intelligence Agency is a CIA front.

Lilli . . . Lilli . . . Lilli.”Sweet Jesus, she was going to kill him. She’d just gotten to sleep. Now he was running a finger up and down her spine, saying her name...

Men are but wheat, and the government is the bread”? Ah yes, that was my grandfather, who shouted that shortly before hurling a loaf of bread at President Hoover during the great depression.

Suddenly he caught his reflection in the mirror behind her. His face was twisted into a dark scowl, and he was standing there naked, with a boner, and another man’s business card in his hand.He...

I started getting on my feet and clowning around, and they ended up putting me in a play when I was 12. And I was hooked.

Should I go up one flight of stairs and then come back down, or should I go down one flight of stairs and then come back up? Same destination, same distance, same amount of work,...

You and I are saying the same thing, you’re just adding an extra ‘not’ at the beginning.

An educated theologian: someone who’s better at rationalizing what they’re pretending to know.

With anal sex, I suggest you start gently. Find a slender midget. Or a member of Congress.

Would you kick her ass already?” Dick said, shoving me back toward Missy. “Come on, Stretch, man up. You do better than this! Get mad.”I nodded, rolling a dislocated shoulder back into place with a...

My dad was a ham, too. He could sell those women anything. Of all his sons, I was the only one he could trust to sell as well as he could. I was proud of...

Love happens to some people, sometimes. Other times other stuff happens to other people. I’m a person like those people.

If you’re a comedian undergoing brain surgery, I assume you’re not permitted to be conscious during the procedure, for your own safety.

All men make mistakes, but married men find out about them sooner.

It’s easier to hide your smoking habit on a foggy day. Let that be a lesson for you and your secret lover.

Have you ever started to wave at someone and then realized they weren’t really waving at you, so you abort and go for a head scratch instead? That’s how I felt.

Experience is the best teacher I’ve ever had. I’m sorry, Mr. Sortz, but it’s true.

Yes, because a vampire slumber party is the pinnacle of safety conscious behavior.

I am Oscar Wilde’s reversible underwear. I am John Wayne’s rusty six-shooter. I am William Shakespeare’s identity crisis. I am a kiss delivered Priority Mail, to a girl named Agatha, by me dressed as a...

There are few things more mysterious than endings. I mean, for example, when did the Greek gods end, exactly? Was there a day when Zeus waved magisterially down from Olympus and Aphrodite and her lover...

She Bangs.” It won’t be about a sexually loose woman, but rather it will be a knock-knock joke.

I’ve never been bothered with my conduct. I’ve only been bothered by people that don’t get it correct when they gossip about me.