I like video games, but they’re really violent. I’d like to play a video game where you help the people who were shot in all the other games. It’d be called ‘Really Busy Hospital.

…I gotta burn these scales… sigh*

Noah held my hand and my bag as he escorted me to the third floor – the Women’s Pavilion. The elevator bell rang and the doors opened. “Jesus, Echo, circulation in my hand would be a good thing,” said Noah. “Sorry.” I tried to let go, but Noah kept his fingers linked with mine.

I was making pancakes the other day and a fly flew into the kitchen. And that’s when I realized that a spatula is a lot like a fly swatter. And a crushed fly is a lot like a blueberry. And a roommate is a lot like a fly eater.

How’d you get to be so good at this?””I had a good teacher.””Better not have been Myrnin or I’ll have to kick his predatory ass.””I mean you, dummy.””Oh.

I want to lose weight by eating nothing but moon pies, which have significantly less gravity than earthier foods such as fruits and vegetables.

I must have killed a lot of cows in a past life for Karma to hate me this much.

I don’t need a personal trainer… I need someone to stalk me and threaten to kick my ass when I eat and drink stuff I’m not supposed to!

Students want female teachers to be warm and nurturing. When they aren’t, they get marked down across the board for being ‘bitches.” What’s a bitch? A woman who acts like a confident guy. Women are also not allowed to be dry or funny. You can imagine how my Asperger’s can go over.

Sort of’ is such a harmless thing to say… sort of. It’s just a filler. Sort of… it doesn’t really mean anything. But after certain things, sort of means everything. Like… after “I love you”… or “You’re going to live”… or “It’s a boy!

He’s not doing anything he shouldn’t be doing, right?” “Like what?””Like hitting on you.””Ew. No, of course not. He doesn’t see me that way.” Michael shook his head and went back to his coffee.”What? You think he does?””Sometimes he looks at you a little… oddly, that’s all. Maybe you’re right. Maybe he just wants you...

Check my riddle, and I’ll let you play my fiddle.

Advice to explorers everywhere: if you would like to recieve due credit for your discoveries, keep a detailed account of your journeys as Columbus did. On Septemeber 28, 1492, after four weeks at sea, he writes: Dear diary…I means journal. Yes, dear journal. That’s what I meant to say. Whew. Anyway, we have yet to...

I got kicked out of ballet class because I pulled a groin muscle. It wasn’t mine.

Electricity is actually made up of extremely tiny particles called electrons, that you cannot see with the naked eye unless you have been drinking.

I didn’t say what kind of book. You have a foul mind Bingley.””Don’t mock me on my sister’s wedding day!””I mocked you on yours; I hardly see how this is as bad,” was Darcy’s reply.

You thwarted my evil plan.

She’s fifteen!”Nash shrugged. “That’s just a number. It doesn’t say anything about her.””It says something pretty damn funny about your IQ!” I said, and he opened his mouth to retort, but I spoke over him. “Fifteen is too young to drive, too young to get a legal job, too young to sign a lease, and...

I want to write a book on sex. It will be filled with phrases like “Uuuhgh yeeeaaaah,” and “Ooooh that’s it,” and “Whose hands are those?

You mean you don’t want to come in and hold my hand while I piss?

Nothing in this world feels quite like freedom, except for freedom. And nothing in the world tastes quite like freedom, except for fried bald eagles.

We can’t against human stupidity. Because they are too many and too dangerous.

You gotta be careful: don’t say a word to nobody about nothing anytime ever.

The road to hell isn’t paved with gold, it’s paved with faith. Faith in a dollar that’s backed by a belief that people have faith in other people’s belief in it.

Mr. Acme comments that the new foodservice professionals in the cafeteria are two-headed carnival escapees and probably also wanted convicts. He expresses his deep conviction that the names they gave him are aliases and promises that if he finds one more cat whisker in his chicken almandine, he will hand them over to the police,...

To observe reality is to change it. Especially if reality catches you observing down its blouse at work.

I found your love like I found religion: in an aluminum trashcan in the middle of the Utah desert.

And you don’t ever have to worry about what I feel. The way I feel about you won’t change. You can do whatever you like to me. You could turn this town to dust, burn the woods until they were cinders, you could cut out my heart. It wouldn’t matter. It would not change a...

Motivational Secret of the Week: Dare to dream of dreaming daringly.

Dear Ford,I think my Ford Explorer door is broken. It just won’t close. I think this is because I don’t have the rest of the Explorer, I only have the door.It’s a passenger-side door, and I bought it from a passenger. Also, it doesn’t seem to be able to lock. I think the latch isn’t...

Sometimes when jerks become Christians, it’s like a bully learning karate. Instead of having Christ transform our hearts and attitudes, we now have a new method with which to beat you up….what was once just ‘forcing everyone to agree with my opinion’ is now ‘forcing everyone to agree with my opinion in the name of...

A typical breakfast for a CIA ops officer consists of a pastry and a piping hot cup of Armageddon.

No matter how hard you try looking for love, Orafoura once told me, the last place you’ll find it is in another man’s ass. But that may not be true, because the last time I lost my boxing gloves, that’s exactly where I found them.

As Confucius once said, “He who does nothing is the one who does nothing.”‘Gabby pondered the words, the furrowed her brow. ‘did Confucius really say that?’Sunglasses in place, Stephanie managed the tiniest of shrugs. ‘No, but who cared? The point is, they handled, and most likely they found some sort of self-satisfaction in their industrious-ness....

X outlawed ⇒ only outlaws will X, where X ∈ {G : people who care about G aren’t all that interested in set theory anyhow}.

At the age of four, I wanted to be eight. At the age of eight, I wanted to be 16. At the age of 16, when I started driving, I wanted to be a Ferrari. And now, at the age of middle, I want to be Stalin’s mustache and matching armpit hair. But only for...

What’s that?” he asked, when I stood beside him again.”Halos,” I said with a grin. “For heavenly creatures like us.””That might be a stretch.

May your assets be twice as loyal to you as you are to them.

A dirty diaper doesn’t double as a dishrag, and a politician doesn’t double as a savior.

The lot of the brideto be wed before beddesired until rotten.The lot of the authorto be read before bedadmired then forgotten.

The US Intelligence Community: ark and flood in one package.

I want to take all the pain of humanity, ball it up into a compressed, black 16-pound sphere, add three holes in a triangular formation to it, and use it to bowl a strike.

A rich man’s joke is always funny

You can’t plan a trip to Burning Man and truly go there.

Love is, just like isn’t isn’t is.

Two seconds later, the sound of an alarm filled my ears. ”What did you do?” I said over the noise as he backed up towards the bathroom door. ”The girl who gave you the note?””Yes…””I caught her staring at my lighter.”I blinked. ”You gave a child, in a psych ward , a lighter?”His eyes crinkled...

I’d love to have been a fly on the wall when the President and the Israeli PM discussed NSA spying on Israel. … OK, I admit it, I was.

You don’t offend me. At least not until I change my name. Once I change it to Asshole, then I might be offended you keep calling me Jarod.

Thanks. Seriously, you must have better things to do with your life than waste it on the hopeless?”I’ve already learned Parseltongue. What else is there?”Elvish.

She’s your mother. I asked, Plus, you do look a bit like her. When you’re angry, you both get these tense lines around your mouth…Look, there they are.