How’d you get to be so good at this?””I had a good teacher.””Better not have been Myrnin or I’ll have to kick his predatory ass.””I mean you, dummy.””Oh.

Hello, Bradley,’ said Mom. She’d regained her composure after my outburst, and now raised her camera. ‘Stand close.”No, Mom,’ I said. ‘No pictures.”But you’re friend’s here now,’ she said, waving us together. ‘Smile!”I don’t need...

The most pleasant and alluring curve on a woman is the smile

Why no s for two deer,but an s for two monkeys?Brother Quang saysno one knows.So much for rules!Whoever invented English should be bitten by a snake.

90% of life is showing up. I’m staying home to wait for the other 10%.

Give a man a fire and he’s warm for a day, but set fire to him and he’s warm for the rest of his life.

You might as well laugh at yourself,everyone else is.

I finally decided what I want to be when I grow up – late.

All art is but dirtying the paper delicately.

Growing up is the dumbest thing I ever wanted to rush into.

I spilled semen everywhere. No wonder the world is overpopulated.

An apple a day feeds the tapeworm to stay.

I was accused of always acting superior. Always means being, not acting.

Jack, be nimble, Jack, be quickJill’s a little whore and her alibis are dirty tricks

A fit, healthy body—that is the best fashion statement

Erre es korakas, Blinky!” Dionysus cursed. “I will have your soul!

It’s a lazy Saturday afternoon, there’s a couple lying naked in bed reading Encyclopediea Brittannica to each other, and arguing about whether the Andromeda Galaxy is more ‘numinous’ than the Ressurection. Do they know how...

My doctor told me to avoid unnecessary stress, so I stopped going to doctors.

Love flows like flowers, and grows like water. I’m so thirsty for romance I could drink a dozen roses.

If it was my business, I wouldn’t talk about it. It is very vulgar to talk about one’s business. Only people like stockbroker’s do that, and then merely at dinner parties.

I speak Spanish like I chew spinach—like it’s dried bubble gum stuck underneath a park bench.

Always think backwards before moving forwards

Nobody can be bad at everything. There’s no such thing as a perfect screwup.

Comedy is a great tool. We are trying to find ways to use humor to enlighten people without preaching to them.

I don’t mean to be rude—” he began, in a tone that threatened rudeness in every syllable.”Yet, sadly, accidental rudeness occurs alarmingly often,” Dumbledore finished the sentence gravely.

Mom lied. The crust is the shittiest part.

You can’t shame a shameless man, you can only remind him of the awesome shit he’s done.

Even men of the noblest possible moral character are extremely susceptible to the influence of the physical charms of others. Modern, no less then Ancient History, supplies us with many most painful examples of what...

If the weight comes from bacon you can so deduct it off the scale total to get your true weight. #science

If you only go around once in life, then why has that one gone around more than once?

We’re all odd balls; some people are just better at pretending to be even

Laziness is the mother of all bad habits, but ultimately she is a mother and we should respect her

It is awfully hard work doing nothing. However, I don’t mind hard work where there is no definite object of any kind. -Algernon

Who’s stupid now, Jimbo?!

It’s easier to win an argument over a dinner you’re paying for.

Humor can make a serious difference. In the workplace, at home, in all areas of life – looking for a reason to laugh is necessary. A sense of humor helps us to get through the...

John Adams warned of the division of America into two great political parties. Luckily, the parties we ended up with are mediocre at best.

That’s art. Nothing is for everybody.

Lightning doesn’t thunder twice. Let that be a lesson in love.

Caring about someone isn’t complicated. It isn’t easy. But it isn’t complicated, either. Kinda like lifting the engine block out of a car.

Life is short unless agony is long.

You know, it really doesn`t matter what (the media) write as long as you`ve got a young and beautiful piece of ass.

I like video games, but they’re really violent. I’d like to play a video game where you help the people who were shot in all the other games. It’d be called ‘Really Busy Hospital.

Never be less interesting than your refrigerator magnets.

There is a meaning of life but I’ve been sworn to secrecy.

Uh, normally she doesn’t judo-flip people.

Oh, man,” Xavier groaned. “See what you’ve done–now I’m stressing.””You can’t! You’re the stable one!”Xavier laughed and I realized his distress had been feigned to illustrate a point. He wasn’t worried in the slightest.”Just relax....

over protective? a butler in a grade- B movie? someones jewish mother? you got it

Oh, I can’t help quoting you, because everything that you said rings true.

I can’t name just one example. Then there’s only one.