If you only go around once in life, then why has that one gone around more than once?

If it was my business, I wouldn’t talk about it. It is very vulgar to talk about one’s business. Only people like stockbroker’s do that, and then merely at dinner parties.

We’re all odd balls; some people are just better at pretending to be even

Nobody can be bad at everything. There’s no such thing as a perfect screwup.

Who’s stupid now, Jimbo?!

If the weight comes from bacon you can so deduct it off the scale total to get your true weight. #science

Even men of the noblest possible moral character are extremely susceptible to the influence of the physical charms of others. Modern, no less then Ancient History, supplies us with many most painful examples of what...

That’s art. Nothing is for everybody.

It is awfully hard work doing nothing. However, I don’t mind hard work where there is no definite object of any kind. -Algernon

Uh, normally she doesn’t judo-flip people.

Humor can make a serious difference. In the workplace, at home, in all areas of life – looking for a reason to laugh is necessary. A sense of humor helps us to get through the...

Life is short unless agony is long.

I like video games, but they’re really violent. I’d like to play a video game where you help the people who were shot in all the other games. It’d be called ‘Really Busy Hospital.

John Adams warned of the division of America into two great political parties. Luckily, the parties we ended up with are mediocre at best.

Never be less interesting than your refrigerator magnets.

There is a meaning of life but I’ve been sworn to secrecy.

I spilled semen everywhere. No wonder the world is overpopulated.

Caring about someone isn’t complicated. It isn’t easy. But it isn’t complicated, either. Kinda like lifting the engine block out of a car.

Oh, man,” Xavier groaned. “See what you’ve done–now I’m stressing.””You can’t! You’re the stable one!”Xavier laughed and I realized his distress had been feigned to illustrate a point. He wasn’t worried in the slightest.”Just relax....

Only a female could be as calculating and have the foresight that destiny requires,’ the gypsy explained. ‘Now fate is a man,’ he went on, ‘no planning, just go with the flow and see what...

I can’t name just one example. Then there’s only one.

I speak Spanish like I chew spinach—like it’s dried bubble gum stuck underneath a park bench.

My life is so bad that it’s worse than it really is.

How’d you get to be so good at this?””I had a good teacher.””Better not have been Myrnin or I’ll have to kick his predatory ass.””I mean you, dummy.””Oh.

over protective? a butler in a grade- B movie? someones jewish mother? you got it

The thing I hate the most about advertising is that it attracts all the bright, creative and ambitious young people, leaving us mainly with the slow and self-obsessed to become our artists.. Modern art is...

Oh, I can’t help quoting you, because everything that you said rings true.

The most pleasant and alluring curve on a woman is the smile

Self talk and self prayer: When you audible the first and correctly interpret, the white coats correct you in a nuthouse. When you audible the second and misinterpret, the dinner coats swear you to an...

I was making pancakes the other day and a fly flew into the kitchen. And that’s when I realized that a spatula is a lot like a fly swatter. And a crushed fly is a...

Give a man a fire and he’s warm for a day, but set fire to him and he’s warm for the rest of his life.

Growing up is the dumbest thing I ever wanted to rush into.

Hello, Bradley,’ said Mom. She’d regained her composure after my outburst, and now raised her camera. ‘Stand close.”No, Mom,’ I said. ‘No pictures.”But you’re friend’s here now,’ she said, waving us together. ‘Smile!”I don’t need...

90% of life is showing up. I’m staying home to wait for the other 10%.

Erre es korakas, Blinky!” Dionysus cursed. “I will have your soul!

Jack, be nimble, Jack, be quickJill’s a little whore and her alibis are dirty tricks

You might as well laugh at yourself,everyone else is.

I finally decided what I want to be when I grow up – late.

It’s easier to win an argument over a dinner you’re paying for.

My doctor told me to avoid unnecessary stress, so I stopped going to doctors.

I don’t need a personal trainer… I need someone to stalk me and threaten to kick my ass when I eat and drink stuff I’m not supposed to!

An apple a day feeds the tapeworm to stay.

Comedy is a great tool. We are trying to find ways to use humor to enlighten people without preaching to them.

Why no s for two deer,but an s for two monkeys?Brother Quang saysno one knows.So much for rules!Whoever invented English should be bitten by a snake.

Lightning doesn’t thunder twice. Let that be a lesson in love.

I was accused of always acting superior. Always means being, not acting.

You know, it really doesn`t matter what (the media) write as long as you`ve got a young and beautiful piece of ass.

All art is but dirtying the paper delicately.

It’s a lazy Saturday afternoon, there’s a couple lying naked in bed reading Encyclopediea Brittannica to each other, and arguing about whether the Andromeda Galaxy is more ‘numinous’ than the Ressurection. Do they know how...

Love flows like flowers, and grows like water. I’m so thirsty for romance I could drink a dozen roses.