My life is so bad that it’s worse than it really is.

The thing I hate the most about advertising is that it attracts all the bright, creative and ambitious young people, leaving us mainly with the slow and self-obsessed to become our artists.. Modern art is...

Self talk and self prayer: When you audible the first and correctly interpret, the white coats correct you in a nuthouse. When you audible the second and misinterpret, the dinner coats swear you to an...

I was making pancakes the other day and a fly flew into the kitchen. And that’s when I realized that a spatula is a lot like a fly swatter. And a crushed fly is a...

A fit, healthy body—that is the best fashion statement

If it was my business, I wouldn’t talk about it. It is very vulgar to talk about one’s business. Only people like stockbroker’s do that, and then merely at dinner parties.

Hello, Bradley,’ said Mom. She’d regained her composure after my outburst, and now raised her camera. ‘Stand close.”No, Mom,’ I said. ‘No pictures.”But you’re friend’s here now,’ she said, waving us together. ‘Smile!”I don’t need...

Nobody can be bad at everything. There’s no such thing as a perfect screwup.

90% of life is showing up. I’m staying home to wait for the other 10%.

When your diary is full and your life is empty, get a date

You might as well laugh at yourself,everyone else is.

I finally decided what I want to be when I grow up – late.

Uh, normally she doesn’t judo-flip people.

Even men of the noblest possible moral character are extremely susceptible to the influence of the physical charms of others. Modern, no less then Ancient History, supplies us with many most painful examples of what...

An apple a day feeds the tapeworm to stay.

If the weight comes from bacon you can so deduct it off the scale total to get your true weight. #science

It is awfully hard work doing nothing. However, I don’t mind hard work where there is no definite object of any kind. -Algernon

I was accused of always acting superior. Always means being, not acting.

I want to lose weight by eating nothing but moon pies, which have significantly less gravity than earthier foods such as fruits and vegetables.

It’s a lazy Saturday afternoon, there’s a couple lying naked in bed reading Encyclopediea Brittannica to each other, and arguing about whether the Andromeda Galaxy is more ‘numinous’ than the Ressurection. Do they know how...

Love flows like flowers, and grows like water. I’m so thirsty for romance I could drink a dozen roses.

Always think backwards before moving forwards

Humor can make a serious difference. In the workplace, at home, in all areas of life – looking for a reason to laugh is necessary. A sense of humor helps us to get through the...

John Adams warned of the division of America into two great political parties. Luckily, the parties we ended up with are mediocre at best.

I spilled semen everywhere. No wonder the world is overpopulated.

Only a female could be as calculating and have the foresight that destiny requires,’ the gypsy explained. ‘Now fate is a man,’ he went on, ‘no planning, just go with the flow and see what...

I don’t mean to be rude—” he began, in a tone that threatened rudeness in every syllable.”Yet, sadly, accidental rudeness occurs alarmingly often,” Dumbledore finished the sentence gravely.

Mom lied. The crust is the shittiest part.

You can’t shame a shameless man, you can only remind him of the awesome shit he’s done.

Caring about someone isn’t complicated. It isn’t easy. But it isn’t complicated, either. Kinda like lifting the engine block out of a car.

How’d you get to be so good at this?””I had a good teacher.””Better not have been Myrnin or I’ll have to kick his predatory ass.””I mean you, dummy.””Oh.

If you only go around once in life, then why has that one gone around more than once?

We’re all odd balls; some people are just better at pretending to be even

Who’s stupid now, Jimbo?!

The most pleasant and alluring curve on a woman is the smile

I speak Spanish like I chew spinach—like it’s dried bubble gum stuck underneath a park bench.

Give a man a fire and he’s warm for a day, but set fire to him and he’s warm for the rest of his life.

over protective? a butler in a grade- B movie? someones jewish mother? you got it

Oh, I can’t help quoting you, because everything that you said rings true.

Growing up is the dumbest thing I ever wanted to rush into.

That’s art. Nothing is for everybody.

Erre es korakas, Blinky!” Dionysus cursed. “I will have your soul!

Jack, be nimble, Jack, be quickJill’s a little whore and her alibis are dirty tricks

Life is short unless agony is long.

I like video games, but they’re really violent. I’d like to play a video game where you help the people who were shot in all the other games. It’d be called ‘Really Busy Hospital.

Comedy is a great tool. We are trying to find ways to use humor to enlighten people without preaching to them.

Never be less interesting than your refrigerator magnets.

It’s easier to win an argument over a dinner you’re paying for.

There is a meaning of life but I’ve been sworn to secrecy.

I don’t need a personal trainer… I need someone to stalk me and threaten to kick my ass when I eat and drink stuff I’m not supposed to!