Never be less interesting than your refrigerator magnets.

There is a meaning of life but I’ve been sworn to secrecy.

I don’t need a personal trainer… I need someone to stalk me and threaten to kick my ass when I eat and drink stuff I’m not supposed to!

Oh, man,” Xavier groaned. “See what you’ve done–now I’m stressing.””You can’t! You’re the stable one!”Xavier laughed and I realized his distress had been feigned to illustrate a point. He wasn’t worried in the slightest.”Just relax....

Why no s for two deer,but an s for two monkeys?Brother Quang saysno one knows.So much for rules!Whoever invented English should be bitten by a snake.

I can’t name just one example. Then there’s only one.

It’s easier to win an argument over a dinner you’re paying for.

All art is but dirtying the paper delicately.

How’d you get to be so good at this?””I had a good teacher.””Better not have been Myrnin or I’ll have to kick his predatory ass.””I mean you, dummy.””Oh.

My life is so bad that it’s worse than it really is.

The thing I hate the most about advertising is that it attracts all the bright, creative and ambitious young people, leaving us mainly with the slow and self-obsessed to become our artists.. Modern art is...

Self talk and self prayer: When you audible the first and correctly interpret, the white coats correct you in a nuthouse. When you audible the second and misinterpret, the dinner coats swear you to an...

Only a female could be as calculating and have the foresight that destiny requires,’ the gypsy explained. ‘Now fate is a man,’ he went on, ‘no planning, just go with the flow and see what...

A fit, healthy body—that is the best fashion statement

I was making pancakes the other day and a fly flew into the kitchen. And that’s when I realized that a spatula is a lot like a fly swatter. And a crushed fly is a...

You know, it really doesn`t matter what (the media) write as long as you`ve got a young and beautiful piece of ass.

If it was my business, I wouldn’t talk about it. It is very vulgar to talk about one’s business. Only people like stockbroker’s do that, and then merely at dinner parties.

The most pleasant and alluring curve on a woman is the smile

When your diary is full and your life is empty, get a date

Nobody can be bad at everything. There’s no such thing as a perfect screwup.

90% of life is showing up. I’m staying home to wait for the other 10%.

Erre es korakas, Blinky!” Dionysus cursed. “I will have your soul!

You might as well laugh at yourself,everyone else is.

I finally decided what I want to be when I grow up – late.

Growing up is the dumbest thing I ever wanted to rush into.

If the weight comes from bacon you can so deduct it off the scale total to get your true weight. #science

Even men of the noblest possible moral character are extremely susceptible to the influence of the physical charms of others. Modern, no less then Ancient History, supplies us with many most painful examples of what...

An apple a day feeds the tapeworm to stay.

It is awfully hard work doing nothing. However, I don’t mind hard work where there is no definite object of any kind. -Algernon

I was accused of always acting superior. Always means being, not acting.

I want to lose weight by eating nothing but moon pies, which have significantly less gravity than earthier foods such as fruits and vegetables.

It’s a lazy Saturday afternoon, there’s a couple lying naked in bed reading Encyclopediea Brittannica to each other, and arguing about whether the Andromeda Galaxy is more ‘numinous’ than the Ressurection. Do they know how...

Always think backwards before moving forwards

Love flows like flowers, and grows like water. I’m so thirsty for romance I could drink a dozen roses.

Comedy is a great tool. We are trying to find ways to use humor to enlighten people without preaching to them.

Laziness is the mother of all bad habits, but ultimately she is a mother and we should respect her

I don’t mean to be rude—” he began, in a tone that threatened rudeness in every syllable.”Yet, sadly, accidental rudeness occurs alarmingly often,” Dumbledore finished the sentence gravely.

Mom lied. The crust is the shittiest part.

You can’t shame a shameless man, you can only remind him of the awesome shit he’s done.

We’re all odd balls; some people are just better at pretending to be even

Caring about someone isn’t complicated. It isn’t easy. But it isn’t complicated, either. Kinda like lifting the engine block out of a car.

If you only go around once in life, then why has that one gone around more than once?

Who’s stupid now, Jimbo?!

over protective? a butler in a grade- B movie? someones jewish mother? you got it

That’s art. Nothing is for everybody.

I speak Spanish like I chew spinach—like it’s dried bubble gum stuck underneath a park bench.

Uh, normally she doesn’t judo-flip people.

Life is short unless agony is long.

I like video games, but they’re really violent. I’d like to play a video game where you help the people who were shot in all the other games. It’d be called ‘Really Busy Hospital.

Iron deficiency can lead to a wardrobe full of crumpled clothes