I was making pancakes the other day and a fly flew into the kitchen. And that’s when I realized that a spatula is a lot like a fly swatter. And a crushed fly is a...

It’s easier to win an argument over a dinner you’re paying for.

I don’t need a personal trainer… I need someone to stalk me and threaten to kick my ass when I eat and drink stuff I’m not supposed to!

When your diary is full and your life is empty, get a date

You might as well laugh at yourself,everyone else is.

Comedy is a great tool. We are trying to find ways to use humor to enlighten people without preaching to them.

Laziness is the mother of all bad habits, but ultimately she is a mother and we should respect her

Why no s for two deer,but an s for two monkeys?Brother Quang saysno one knows.So much for rules!Whoever invented English should be bitten by a snake.

All art is but dirtying the paper delicately.

You know, it really doesn`t matter what (the media) write as long as you`ve got a young and beautiful piece of ass.

I want to lose weight by eating nothing but moon pies, which have significantly less gravity than earthier foods such as fruits and vegetables.

It’s a lazy Saturday afternoon, there’s a couple lying naked in bed reading Encyclopediea Brittannica to each other, and arguing about whether the Andromeda Galaxy is more ‘numinous’ than the Ressurection. Do they know how...

Always think backwards before moving forwards

Love flows like flowers, and grows like water. I’m so thirsty for romance I could drink a dozen roses.

If it was my business, I wouldn’t talk about it. It is very vulgar to talk about one’s business. Only people like stockbroker’s do that, and then merely at dinner parties.

You can’t shame a shameless man, you can only remind him of the awesome shit he’s done.

I don’t mean to be rude—” he began, in a tone that threatened rudeness in every syllable.”Yet, sadly, accidental rudeness occurs alarmingly often,” Dumbledore finished the sentence gravely.

We’re all odd balls; some people are just better at pretending to be even

Who’s stupid now, Jimbo?!

Uh, normally she doesn’t judo-flip people.

Even men of the noblest possible moral character are extremely susceptible to the influence of the physical charms of others. Modern, no less then Ancient History, supplies us with many most painful examples of what...

If the weight comes from bacon you can so deduct it off the scale total to get your true weight. #science

It is awfully hard work doing nothing. However, I don’t mind hard work where there is no definite object of any kind. -Algernon

JACKYour duty as a gentleman calls you back. ALGERNONMy duty as a gentleman has never interfered with my pleasures in the smallest degree.

I like video games, but they’re really violent. I’d like to play a video game where you help the people who were shot in all the other games. It’d be called ‘Really Busy Hospital.

How’d you get to be so good at this?””I had a good teacher.””Better not have been Myrnin or I’ll have to kick his predatory ass.””I mean you, dummy.””Oh.

Never be less interesting than your refrigerator magnets.

Only a female could be as calculating and have the foresight that destiny requires,’ the gypsy explained. ‘Now fate is a man,’ he went on, ‘no planning, just go with the flow and see what...

I speak Spanish like I chew spinach—like it’s dried bubble gum stuck underneath a park bench.

Oh, man,” Xavier groaned. “See what you’ve done–now I’m stressing.””You can’t! You’re the stable one!”Xavier laughed and I realized his distress had been feigned to illustrate a point. He wasn’t worried in the slightest.”Just relax....

over protective? a butler in a grade- B movie? someones jewish mother? you got it

The most pleasant and alluring curve on a woman is the smile

Erre es korakas, Blinky!” Dionysus cursed. “I will have your soul!

Growing up is the dumbest thing I ever wanted to rush into.

Iron deficiency can lead to a wardrobe full of crumpled clothes

I’ve found a great hiding place for all my money, down the drain

You can change your mind, don’t let your mind change you

A sneeze can never be to far away

We’re on a planet, relax!

No one ever thinks about the guy who was raised by the guy who was raised by wolves.

She told me she might not be there when I get back, and I got so angry I said something stupid. I told her I might not be there when I get back either.

And empty words are evil.

Though I should have known better, I had to ask. “What is furniture disease?” She looked at me like I had the IQ of a grape. “It’s when your chest falls into your drawers. Get...

You could argue I’m a loser, but I’d win that debate thus proving you wrong by proving you wrong.

He’s not doing anything he shouldn’t be doing, right?” “Like what?””Like hitting on you.””Ew. No, of course not. He doesn’t see me that way.” Michael shook his head and went back to his coffee.”What? You...

You silly Arthur! If you knew anything about…anything, which you don’t, you would know that I adore you. Everyone in London knows it except you. It is a public scandal the way I adore you....

Sort of’ is such a harmless thing to say… sort of. It’s just a filler. Sort of… it doesn’t really mean anything. But after certain things, sort of means everything. Like… after “I love you”…...

Listen carefully, Lucas Steele, because I will only say this once. I am NOT your mate, I will never be your mate, and if you ever put your hands on me again I will cut...

LADY BRACKNELLI had some crumpets with Lady Harbury, who seems to me to be living entirely for pleasure now.ALGERNONI hear her hair has turned quite gold from grief.

Get Him!