Only a female could be as calculating and have the foresight that destiny requires,’ the gypsy explained. ‘Now fate is a man,’ he went on, ‘no planning, just go with the flow and see what tomorrow brings.

When your diary is full and your life is empty, get a date

Iron deficiency can lead to a wardrobe full of crumpled clothes

A sneeze can never be to far away

Always think backwards before moving forwards

I’ve found a great hiding place for all my money, down the drain

You can change your mind, don’t let your mind change you

We’re on a planet, relax!

The most pleasant and alluring curve on a woman is the smile

Never be less interesting than your refrigerator magnets.

JACKYour duty as a gentleman calls you back. ALGERNONMy duty as a gentleman has never interfered with my pleasures in the smallest degree.

How’d you get to be so good at this?””I had a good teacher.””Better not have been Myrnin or I’ll have to kick his predatory ass.””I mean you, dummy.””Oh.

I want to lose weight by eating nothing but moon pies, which have significantly less gravity than earthier foods such as fruits and vegetables.

I was making pancakes the other day and a fly flew into the kitchen. And that’s when I realized that a spatula is a lot like a fly swatter. And a crushed fly is a lot like a blueberry. And a roommate is a lot like a fly eater.

If it was my business, I wouldn’t talk about it. It is very vulgar to talk about one’s business. Only people like stockbroker’s do that, and then merely at dinner parties.

It is awfully hard work doing nothing. However, I don’t mind hard work where there is no definite object of any kind. -Algernon

Even men of the noblest possible moral character are extremely susceptible to the influence of the physical charms of others. Modern, no less then Ancient History, supplies us with many most painful examples of what I refer to. If it were not so, indeed, History would be quite unreadable.

It’s easier to win an argument over a dinner you’re paying for.

If the weight comes from bacon you can so deduct it off the scale total to get your true weight. #science

It’s a lazy Saturday afternoon, there’s a couple lying naked in bed reading Encyclopediea Brittannica to each other, and arguing about whether the Andromeda Galaxy is more ‘numinous’ than the Ressurection. Do they know how to have a good time, or don’t they?

I like video games, but they’re really violent. I’d like to play a video game where you help the people who were shot in all the other games. It’d be called ‘Really Busy Hospital.

Oh, man,” Xavier groaned. “See what you’ve done–now I’m stressing.””You can’t! You’re the stable one!”Xavier laughed and I realized his distress had been feigned to illustrate a point. He wasn’t worried in the slightest.”Just relax. Go and run a bath or have a shot of brandy.””Okay.””That second bit was a joke. We both know you...

You know, it really doesn`t matter what (the media) write as long as you`ve got a young and beautiful piece of ass.

He’s not doing anything he shouldn’t be doing, right?” “Like what?””Like hitting on you.””Ew. No, of course not. He doesn’t see me that way.” Michael shook his head and went back to his coffee.”What? You think he does?””Sometimes he looks at you a little… oddly, that’s all. Maybe you’re right. Maybe he just wants you...

She told me she might not be there when I get back, and I got so angry I said something stupid. I told her I might not be there when I get back either.

Coffee has a way of waking me up like no alarm clock can. Not only do I sleepwalk, but I sleepdrink, and I often don’t wake up until 5:00 PM, when I leave work.

You silly Arthur! If you knew anything about…anything, which you don’t, you would know that I adore you. Everyone in London knows it except you. It is a public scandal the way I adore you. I have been going about for the last six months telling the whole of society that I adore you. I...

You could argue I’m a loser, but I’d win that debate thus proving you wrong by proving you wrong.

Sort of’ is such a harmless thing to say… sort of. It’s just a filler. Sort of… it doesn’t really mean anything. But after certain things, sort of means everything. Like… after “I love you”… or “You’re going to live”… or “It’s a boy!

Listen carefully, Lucas Steele, because I will only say this once. I am NOT your mate, I will never be your mate, and if you ever put your hands on me again I will cut them off along with other body parts you might want to use one day. Got it?” Jacque told him with...

No one ever thinks about the guy who was raised by the guy who was raised by wolves.

LADY BRACKNELLThirty-five is a very attractive age. London society is full of women of the very highest birth who have, of their own free choice, remained thirty-five for years. Lady Dumbleton is an instance in point. To my own knowledge she has been thirty-five ever since she arrived at the age of forty, which was...

LADY BRACKNELLI had some crumpets with Lady Harbury, who seems to me to be living entirely for pleasure now.ALGERNONI hear her hair has turned quite gold from grief.

Get Him!

If you’re worried about safety, you might like to follow my example and put on that seat belt.””The what?”Xavier shook his head in disbelief.”You worry me,” he muttered.

Love is a roundness, like a hole—a black hole. If what she wants is space, I’ll give her space—enough to fill an auditorium that has ample seating for a lecture by Stephen Hawking.

Who knows how to make love stay?1. Tell love you are going to Junior’s Deli on Flatbush Avenue in Brooklyn to pick up a cheesecake, and if loves stays, it can have half. It will stay.2. Tell love you want a momento of it and obtain a lock of its hair. Burn the hair in...

I paid the cabman exactly his fare. He received it with an oath; upon which I instantly gave him a tract. If I had presented a pistol at his head, this abandoned wretch could hardly have exhibited greater consternation. He jumped up on his box, and, with profane exclamations of dismay, drove off furiously. Quite...

The dull people decided years and years ago, as everyone knows, that novel-writing was the lowest species of literary exertion, and that novel reading was a dangerous luxury and an utter waste of time.

A few alligators are naturally of the vicious type and inclined to resent it when you prod them with a stick. You can find out which ones these are by prodding them.

The stork is voiceless because there is really nothing to say.

maybes”.’ ‘Maybe,’ I said. ‘But if what I’m saying is correct …

Aye, Sir. Course laid in” is a seriously sweet gig, but when I was a teenager, it sucked.

But we left camp after a while and we was driving in a real spooky place cause all the roads up near camp are dark and in the woods and we had to drive for a while to get to a highway cause there was no street lights or anything and nothing but woods and...

I heard this story once,” she said, “where this bloke got locked up for years and years and he learned amazin’ stuff about the universe and everythin’ from another prisoner who was incredibly clever, and then he escaped and got his revenge.””What incredibly clever stuff do you know about the universe, Gytha Ogg?” said Granny.”Bugger...

Sometimes people are often confused between attitude and style. Nevermind, I’m Awesome.

Mrs. Mudkin closed her eyes. “We should pray.””I ain’t praying,” Crazy Cora said. Mrs. Mudkin said, “Lord, please bless—“”I ain’t praying.””–this land and the people who–“”I ain’t praying.””–have toiled on this earth–“”Stop that praying.””I can pray if I want to.””Then be quiet about it.

The figures looked more or less human. And they were engaged in religion. You could tell by the knives (it’s not murder if you do it for a god).

The Americans, who are the most efficient people on the earth, have carried [phrase-making] to such a height of perfection and have invented so wide a range of pithy and hackneyed phrases that they can carry on an amusing and animated conversation without giving a moment’s reflection to what they are saying and so leave...

Rob turned the rustling pages and grinned.’Ach, she’s writ here: “Oh, the dear Feegles ha’ turned up again,”‘ he said. This met with general applause.’Ach, what a kind girl she is tae write that,’ said Billy Bigchin. ‘Can I see?’He read: “Oh dear, the Feegles have turned up again.”‘Ah,’ he said.