Life is short unless agony is long.

I like video games, but they’re really violent. I’d like to play a video game where you help the people who were shot in all the other games. It’d be called ‘Really Busy Hospital.

A fit, healthy body—that is the best fashion statement

There is a meaning of life but I’ve been sworn to secrecy.

Never be less interesting than your refrigerator magnets.

Oh, man,” Xavier groaned. “See what you’ve done–now I’m stressing.””You can’t! You’re the stable one!”Xavier laughed and I realized his distress had been feigned to illustrate a point. He wasn’t worried in the slightest.”Just relax....

If it was my business, I wouldn’t talk about it. It is very vulgar to talk about one’s business. Only people like stockbroker’s do that, and then merely at dinner parties.

Uh, normally she doesn’t judo-flip people.

Nobody can be bad at everything. There’s no such thing as a perfect screwup.

I can’t name just one example. Then there’s only one.

If the weight comes from bacon you can so deduct it off the scale total to get your true weight. #science

My life is so bad that it’s worse than it really is.

The thing I hate the most about advertising is that it attracts all the bright, creative and ambitious young people, leaving us mainly with the slow and self-obsessed to become our artists.. Modern art is...

Even men of the noblest possible moral character are extremely susceptible to the influence of the physical charms of others. Modern, no less then Ancient History, supplies us with many most painful examples of what...

Self talk and self prayer: When you audible the first and correctly interpret, the white coats correct you in a nuthouse. When you audible the second and misinterpret, the dinner coats swear you to an...

It is awfully hard work doing nothing. However, I don’t mind hard work where there is no definite object of any kind. -Algernon

I was making pancakes the other day and a fly flew into the kitchen. And that’s when I realized that a spatula is a lot like a fly swatter. And a crushed fly is a...

Only a female could be as calculating and have the foresight that destiny requires,’ the gypsy explained. ‘Now fate is a man,’ he went on, ‘no planning, just go with the flow and see what...

I speak Spanish like I chew spinach—like it’s dried bubble gum stuck underneath a park bench.

90% of life is showing up. I’m staying home to wait for the other 10%.

When your diary is full and your life is empty, get a date

Hello, Bradley,’ said Mom. She’d regained her composure after my outburst, and now raised her camera. ‘Stand close.”No, Mom,’ I said. ‘No pictures.”But you’re friend’s here now,’ she said, waving us together. ‘Smile!”I don’t need...

You might as well laugh at yourself,everyone else is.

I finally decided what I want to be when I grow up – late.

How’d you get to be so good at this?””I had a good teacher.””Better not have been Myrnin or I’ll have to kick his predatory ass.””I mean you, dummy.””Oh.

The most pleasant and alluring curve on a woman is the smile

An apple a day feeds the tapeworm to stay.

Caring about someone isn’t complicated. It isn’t easy. But it isn’t complicated, either. Kinda like lifting the engine block out of a car.

I was accused of always acting superior. Always means being, not acting.

Growing up is the dumbest thing I ever wanted to rush into.

I want to lose weight by eating nothing but moon pies, which have significantly less gravity than earthier foods such as fruits and vegetables.

It’s a lazy Saturday afternoon, there’s a couple lying naked in bed reading Encyclopediea Brittannica to each other, and arguing about whether the Andromeda Galaxy is more ‘numinous’ than the Ressurection. Do they know how...

Oh, I can’t help quoting you, because everything that you said rings true.

It’s easier to win an argument over a dinner you’re paying for.

Erre es korakas, Blinky!” Dionysus cursed. “I will have your soul!

Always think backwards before moving forwards

over protective? a butler in a grade- B movie? someones jewish mother? you got it

Love flows like flowers, and grows like water. I’m so thirsty for romance I could drink a dozen roses.

I don’t mean to be rude—” he began, in a tone that threatened rudeness in every syllable.”Yet, sadly, accidental rudeness occurs alarmingly often,” Dumbledore finished the sentence gravely.

Lightning doesn’t thunder twice. Let that be a lesson in love.

Comedy is a great tool. We are trying to find ways to use humor to enlighten people without preaching to them.

Mom lied. The crust is the shittiest part.

You can’t shame a shameless man, you can only remind him of the awesome shit he’s done.

If you only go around once in life, then why has that one gone around more than once?

We’re all odd balls; some people are just better at pretending to be even

Who’s stupid now, Jimbo?!

You know, it really doesn`t matter what (the media) write as long as you`ve got a young and beautiful piece of ass.

I don’t need a personal trainer… I need someone to stalk me and threaten to kick my ass when I eat and drink stuff I’m not supposed to!

Laziness is the mother of all bad habits, but ultimately she is a mother and we should respect her

Why no s for two deer,but an s for two monkeys?Brother Quang saysno one knows.So much for rules!Whoever invented English should be bitten by a snake.