There is a meaning of life but I’ve been sworn to secrecy.

Never be less interesting than your refrigerator magnets.

Uh, normally she doesn’t judo-flip people.

Oh, man,” Xavier groaned. “See what you’ve done–now I’m stressing.””You can’t! You’re the stable one!”Xavier laughed and I realized his distress had been feigned to illustrate a point. He wasn’t worried in the slightest.”Just relax....

A fit, healthy body—that is the best fashion statement

I can’t name just one example. Then there’s only one.

If it was my business, I wouldn’t talk about it. It is very vulgar to talk about one’s business. Only people like stockbroker’s do that, and then merely at dinner parties.

Nobody can be bad at everything. There’s no such thing as a perfect screwup.

My life is so bad that it’s worse than it really is.

The thing I hate the most about advertising is that it attracts all the bright, creative and ambitious young people, leaving us mainly with the slow and self-obsessed to become our artists.. Modern art is...

I spilled semen everywhere. No wonder the world is overpopulated.

Self talk and self prayer: When you audible the first and correctly interpret, the white coats correct you in a nuthouse. When you audible the second and misinterpret, the dinner coats swear you to an...

Even men of the noblest possible moral character are extremely susceptible to the influence of the physical charms of others. Modern, no less then Ancient History, supplies us with many most painful examples of what...

If the weight comes from bacon you can so deduct it off the scale total to get your true weight. #science

I was making pancakes the other day and a fly flew into the kitchen. And that’s when I realized that a spatula is a lot like a fly swatter. And a crushed fly is a...

Only a female could be as calculating and have the foresight that destiny requires,’ the gypsy explained. ‘Now fate is a man,’ he went on, ‘no planning, just go with the flow and see what...

It is awfully hard work doing nothing. However, I don’t mind hard work where there is no definite object of any kind. -Algernon

How’d you get to be so good at this?””I had a good teacher.””Better not have been Myrnin or I’ll have to kick his predatory ass.””I mean you, dummy.””Oh.

I speak Spanish like I chew spinach—like it’s dried bubble gum stuck underneath a park bench.

90% of life is showing up. I’m staying home to wait for the other 10%.

Hello, Bradley,’ said Mom. She’d regained her composure after my outburst, and now raised her camera. ‘Stand close.”No, Mom,’ I said. ‘No pictures.”But you’re friend’s here now,’ she said, waving us together. ‘Smile!”I don’t need...

The most pleasant and alluring curve on a woman is the smile

You might as well laugh at yourself,everyone else is.

I finally decided what I want to be when I grow up – late.

Give a man a fire and he’s warm for a day, but set fire to him and he’s warm for the rest of his life.

Humor can make a serious difference. In the workplace, at home, in all areas of life – looking for a reason to laugh is necessary. A sense of humor helps us to get through the...

John Adams warned of the division of America into two great political parties. Luckily, the parties we ended up with are mediocre at best.

An apple a day feeds the tapeworm to stay.

Growing up is the dumbest thing I ever wanted to rush into.

I was accused of always acting superior. Always means being, not acting.

Caring about someone isn’t complicated. It isn’t easy. But it isn’t complicated, either. Kinda like lifting the engine block out of a car.

Erre es korakas, Blinky!” Dionysus cursed. “I will have your soul!

Jack, be nimble, Jack, be quickJill’s a little whore and her alibis are dirty tricks

I want to lose weight by eating nothing but moon pies, which have significantly less gravity than earthier foods such as fruits and vegetables.

It’s a lazy Saturday afternoon, there’s a couple lying naked in bed reading Encyclopediea Brittannica to each other, and arguing about whether the Andromeda Galaxy is more ‘numinous’ than the Ressurection. Do they know how...

Always think backwards before moving forwards

Love flows like flowers, and grows like water. I’m so thirsty for romance I could drink a dozen roses.

It’s easier to win an argument over a dinner you’re paying for.

Comedy is a great tool. We are trying to find ways to use humor to enlighten people without preaching to them.

over protective? a butler in a grade- B movie? someones jewish mother? you got it

Oh, I can’t help quoting you, because everything that you said rings true.

Mom lied. The crust is the shittiest part.

You can’t shame a shameless man, you can only remind him of the awesome shit he’s done.

Lightning doesn’t thunder twice. Let that be a lesson in love.

I don’t mean to be rude—” he began, in a tone that threatened rudeness in every syllable.”Yet, sadly, accidental rudeness occurs alarmingly often,” Dumbledore finished the sentence gravely.

I’m the Super-sized McShizzle, man!” Leo said. “I’m Leo Valdez, bad boy supreme. And the ladies love a bad boy.

If you only go around once in life, then why has that one gone around more than once?

We’re all odd balls; some people are just better at pretending to be even

Who’s stupid now, Jimbo?!

Laziness is the mother of all bad habits, but ultimately she is a mother and we should respect her