JACKYour duty as a gentleman calls you back. ALGERNONMy duty as a gentleman has never interfered with my pleasures in the smallest degree.

It is awfully hard work doing nothing. However, I don’t mind hard work where there is no definite object of any kind. -Algernon

The most pleasant and alluring curve on a woman is the smile

Honesty: what a refreshing slap in the face it is.

Only a female could be as calculating and have the foresight that destiny requires,’ the gypsy explained. ‘Now fate is a man,’ he went on, ‘no planning, just go with the flow and see what tomorrow brings.

How’d you get to be so good at this?””I had a good teacher.””Better not have been Myrnin or I’ll have to kick his predatory ass.””I mean you, dummy.””Oh.

If it was my business, I wouldn’t talk about it. It is very vulgar to talk about one’s business. Only people like stockbroker’s do that, and then merely at dinner parties.

Even men of the noblest possible moral character are extremely susceptible to the influence of the physical charms of others. Modern, no less then Ancient History, supplies us with many most painful examples of what I refer to. If it were not so, indeed, History would be quite unreadable.

I want to lose weight by eating nothing but moon pies, which have significantly less gravity than earthier foods such as fruits and vegetables.

Tomorrow is promised to no one.

I was making pancakes the other day and a fly flew into the kitchen. And that’s when I realized that a spatula is a lot like a fly swatter. And a crushed fly is a lot like a blueberry. And a roommate is a lot like a fly eater.

Never be less interesting than your refrigerator magnets.

You can change your mind, don’t let your mind change you

We’re on a planet, relax!

I’ve found a great hiding place for all my money, down the drain

When your diary is full and your life is empty, get a date

Iron deficiency can lead to a wardrobe full of crumpled clothes

A sneeze can never be to far away

Always think backwards before moving forwards

Every great summer song was recorded the previous winter.

In my experience, what every true artist wants, really wants, is to be paid.

If the weight comes from bacon you can so deduct it off the scale total to get your true weight. #science

It’s easier to win an argument over a dinner you’re paying for.

I… must… not… look… like… a… baboon’s… backside.

As a rule,I believe people shouldn’t follow rules;rules should follow people.

I like video games, but they’re really violent. I’d like to play a video game where you help the people who were shot in all the other games. It’d be called ‘Really Busy Hospital.

It’s a lazy Saturday afternoon, there’s a couple lying naked in bed reading Encyclopediea Brittannica to each other, and arguing about whether the Andromeda Galaxy is more ‘numinous’ than the Ressurection. Do they know how to have a good time, or don’t they?

Oh, man,” Xavier groaned. “See what you’ve done–now I’m stressing.””You can’t! You’re the stable one!”Xavier laughed and I realized his distress had been feigned to illustrate a point. He wasn’t worried in the slightest.”Just relax. Go and run a bath or have a shot of brandy.””Okay.””That second bit was a joke. We both know you...

You know, it really doesn`t matter what (the media) write as long as you`ve got a young and beautiful piece of ass.

He’s not doing anything he shouldn’t be doing, right?” “Like what?””Like hitting on you.””Ew. No, of course not. He doesn’t see me that way.” Michael shook his head and went back to his coffee.”What? You think he does?””Sometimes he looks at you a little… oddly, that’s all. Maybe you’re right. Maybe he just wants you...

You silly Arthur! If you knew anything about…anything, which you don’t, you would know that I adore you. Everyone in London knows it except you. It is a public scandal the way I adore you. I have been going about for the last six months telling the whole of society that I adore you. I...

She told me she might not be there when I get back, and I got so angry I said something stupid. I told her I might not be there when I get back either.

Coffee has a way of waking me up like no alarm clock can. Not only do I sleepwalk, but I sleepdrink, and I often don’t wake up until 5:00 PM, when I leave work.

You could argue I’m a loser, but I’d win that debate thus proving you wrong by proving you wrong.

Look at me. I am insecure. I need your reaction to what I am doing, but you’re not cool enough to be my friend. Therefore, I will just pray you see this because the approval of God is not all I need.

Listen carefully, Lucas Steele, because I will only say this once. I am NOT your mate, I will never be your mate, and if you ever put your hands on me again I will cut them off along with other body parts you might want to use one day. Got it?” Jacque told him with...

Sort of’ is such a harmless thing to say… sort of. It’s just a filler. Sort of… it doesn’t really mean anything. But after certain things, sort of means everything. Like… after “I love you”… or “You’re going to live”… or “It’s a boy!

In my book an erection constitutes personal growth.

No one ever thinks about the guy who was raised by the guy who was raised by wolves.

LADY BRACKNELLThirty-five is a very attractive age. London society is full of women of the very highest birth who have, of their own free choice, remained thirty-five for years. Lady Dumbleton is an instance in point. To my own knowledge she has been thirty-five ever since she arrived at the age of forty, which was...

LADY BRACKNELLI had some crumpets with Lady Harbury, who seems to me to be living entirely for pleasure now.ALGERNONI hear her hair has turned quite gold from grief.

Amazin’.’ he said again. ‘He just looks as though he’s thinking, right?”Er…yes.”But he’s not actually thinking?”Er…no.”So…he just gives the impression of thinking but really it’s just a show?”Er…yes.’Just like everyone else, then really,’ said Ridcully

Get Him!

If you’re worried about safety, you might like to follow my example and put on that seat belt.””The what?”Xavier shook his head in disbelief.”You worry me,” he muttered.

Love is a roundness, like a hole—a black hole. If what she wants is space, I’ll give her space—enough to fill an auditorium that has ample seating for a lecture by Stephen Hawking.

I had a dream about you painting the scene of a house fire. The clocks were melting and Salvador Dali was riding around in a clown car muttering something about irony.

It’s a stream of senses and thoughts that happen during sleep. But that’s not important right now.”

I’m creating a self help show called Self Talk. I’ll insult myself for an hour then open phone lines to a fitness coach & my mother-in-law.

All hen are created equal but some have more feather than others.

The children now love luxury. They have bad manners, contempt for authority; they show disrespect for elders and love chatter in place of exercise.