You might as well laugh at yourself,everyone else is.

I finally decided what I want to be when I grow up – late.

Why no s for two deer,but an s for two monkeys?Brother Quang saysno one knows.So much for rules!Whoever invented English should be bitten by a snake.

Lightning doesn’t thunder twice. Let that be a lesson in love.

Laziness is the mother of all bad habits, but ultimately she is a mother and we should respect her

An apple a day feeds the tapeworm to stay.

You know, it really doesn`t matter what (the media) write as long as you`ve got a young and beautiful piece of ass.

All art is but dirtying the paper delicately.

I was accused of always acting superior. Always means being, not acting.

It’s a lazy Saturday afternoon, there’s a couple lying naked in bed reading Encyclopediea Brittannica to each other, and arguing about whether the Andromeda Galaxy is more ‘numinous’ than the Ressurection. Do they know how...

A fit, healthy body—that is the best fashion statement

Always think backwards before moving forwards

Love flows like flowers, and grows like water. I’m so thirsty for romance I could drink a dozen roses.

If it was my business, I wouldn’t talk about it. It is very vulgar to talk about one’s business. Only people like stockbroker’s do that, and then merely at dinner parties.

You can’t shame a shameless man, you can only remind him of the awesome shit he’s done.

I don’t mean to be rude—” he began, in a tone that threatened rudeness in every syllable.”Yet, sadly, accidental rudeness occurs alarmingly often,” Dumbledore finished the sentence gravely.

Nobody can be bad at everything. There’s no such thing as a perfect screwup.

Mom lied. The crust is the shittiest part.

We’re all odd balls; some people are just better at pretending to be even

If you only go around once in life, then why has that one gone around more than once?

Uh, normally she doesn’t judo-flip people.

Who’s stupid now, Jimbo?!

If the weight comes from bacon you can so deduct it off the scale total to get your true weight. #science

Even men of the noblest possible moral character are extremely susceptible to the influence of the physical charms of others. Modern, no less then Ancient History, supplies us with many most painful examples of what...

It is awfully hard work doing nothing. However, I don’t mind hard work where there is no definite object of any kind. -Algernon

That’s art. Nothing is for everybody.

Humor can make a serious difference. In the workplace, at home, in all areas of life – looking for a reason to laugh is necessary. A sense of humor helps us to get through the...

John Adams warned of the division of America into two great political parties. Luckily, the parties we ended up with are mediocre at best.

I spilled semen everywhere. No wonder the world is overpopulated.

Life is short unless agony is long.

Only a female could be as calculating and have the foresight that destiny requires,’ the gypsy explained. ‘Now fate is a man,’ he went on, ‘no planning, just go with the flow and see what...

I like video games, but they’re really violent. I’d like to play a video game where you help the people who were shot in all the other games. It’d be called ‘Really Busy Hospital.

Never be less interesting than your refrigerator magnets.

How’d you get to be so good at this?””I had a good teacher.””Better not have been Myrnin or I’ll have to kick his predatory ass.””I mean you, dummy.””Oh.

Caring about someone isn’t complicated. It isn’t easy. But it isn’t complicated, either. Kinda like lifting the engine block out of a car.

There is a meaning of life but I’ve been sworn to secrecy.

The most pleasant and alluring curve on a woman is the smile

Oh, man,” Xavier groaned. “See what you’ve done–now I’m stressing.””You can’t! You’re the stable one!”Xavier laughed and I realized his distress had been feigned to illustrate a point. He wasn’t worried in the slightest.”Just relax....

I speak Spanish like I chew spinach—like it’s dried bubble gum stuck underneath a park bench.

Give a man a fire and he’s warm for a day, but set fire to him and he’s warm for the rest of his life.

over protective? a butler in a grade- B movie? someones jewish mother? you got it

Growing up is the dumbest thing I ever wanted to rush into.

Oh, I can’t help quoting you, because everything that you said rings true.

I can’t name just one example. Then there’s only one.

Erre es korakas, Blinky!” Dionysus cursed. “I will have your soul!

Jack, be nimble, Jack, be quickJill’s a little whore and her alibis are dirty tricks

My life is so bad that it’s worse than it really is.

The thing I hate the most about advertising is that it attracts all the bright, creative and ambitious young people, leaving us mainly with the slow and self-obsessed to become our artists.. Modern art is...

My doctor told me to avoid unnecessary stress, so I stopped going to doctors.

Self talk and self prayer: When you audible the first and correctly interpret, the white coats correct you in a nuthouse. When you audible the second and misinterpret, the dinner coats swear you to an...