We’re all odd balls; some people are just better at pretending to be even

If you only go around once in life, then why has that one gone around more than once?

I don’t need a personal trainer… I need someone to stalk me and threaten to kick my ass when I eat and drink stuff I’m not supposed to!

Who’s stupid now, Jimbo?!

Comedy is a great tool. We are trying to find ways to use humor to enlighten people without preaching to them.

Why no s for two deer,but an s for two monkeys?Brother Quang saysno one knows.So much for rules!Whoever invented English should be bitten by a snake.

Laziness is the mother of all bad habits, but ultimately she is a mother and we should respect her

All art is but dirtying the paper delicately.

That’s art. Nothing is for everybody.

Life is short unless agony is long.

I like video games, but they’re really violent. I’d like to play a video game where you help the people who were shot in all the other games. It’d be called ‘Really Busy Hospital.

Never be less interesting than your refrigerator magnets.

If it was my business, I wouldn’t talk about it. It is very vulgar to talk about one’s business. Only people like stockbroker’s do that, and then merely at dinner parties.

There is a meaning of life but I’ve been sworn to secrecy.

Oh, man,” Xavier groaned. “See what you’ve done–now I’m stressing.””You can’t! You’re the stable one!”Xavier laughed and I realized his distress had been feigned to illustrate a point. He wasn’t worried in the slightest.”Just relax....

I speak Spanish like I chew spinach—like it’s dried bubble gum stuck underneath a park bench.

Uh, normally she doesn’t judo-flip people.

If the weight comes from bacon you can so deduct it off the scale total to get your true weight. #science

Even men of the noblest possible moral character are extremely susceptible to the influence of the physical charms of others. Modern, no less then Ancient History, supplies us with many most painful examples of what...

I can’t name just one example. Then there’s only one.

It is awfully hard work doing nothing. However, I don’t mind hard work where there is no definite object of any kind. -Algernon

My life is so bad that it’s worse than it really is.

The thing I hate the most about advertising is that it attracts all the bright, creative and ambitious young people, leaving us mainly with the slow and self-obsessed to become our artists.. Modern art is...

Self talk and self prayer: When you audible the first and correctly interpret, the white coats correct you in a nuthouse. When you audible the second and misinterpret, the dinner coats swear you to an...

I was making pancakes the other day and a fly flew into the kitchen. And that’s when I realized that a spatula is a lot like a fly swatter. And a crushed fly is a...

It’s easier to win an argument over a dinner you’re paying for.

JACKYour duty as a gentleman calls you back. ALGERNONMy duty as a gentleman has never interfered with my pleasures in the smallest degree.

When your diary is full and your life is empty, get a date

90% of life is showing up. I’m staying home to wait for the other 10%.

How’d you get to be so good at this?””I had a good teacher.””Better not have been Myrnin or I’ll have to kick his predatory ass.””I mean you, dummy.””Oh.

You might as well laugh at yourself,everyone else is.

I finally decided what I want to be when I grow up – late.

Only a female could be as calculating and have the foresight that destiny requires,’ the gypsy explained. ‘Now fate is a man,’ he went on, ‘no planning, just go with the flow and see what...

An apple a day feeds the tapeworm to stay.

You know, it really doesn`t matter what (the media) write as long as you`ve got a young and beautiful piece of ass.

I was accused of always acting superior. Always means being, not acting.

I want to lose weight by eating nothing but moon pies, which have significantly less gravity than earthier foods such as fruits and vegetables.

over protective? a butler in a grade- B movie? someones jewish mother? you got it

The most pleasant and alluring curve on a woman is the smile

It’s a lazy Saturday afternoon, there’s a couple lying naked in bed reading Encyclopediea Brittannica to each other, and arguing about whether the Andromeda Galaxy is more ‘numinous’ than the Ressurection. Do they know how...

Always think backwards before moving forwards

Love flows like flowers, and grows like water. I’m so thirsty for romance I could drink a dozen roses.

Erre es korakas, Blinky!” Dionysus cursed. “I will have your soul!

Growing up is the dumbest thing I ever wanted to rush into.

I don’t mean to be rude—” he began, in a tone that threatened rudeness in every syllable.”Yet, sadly, accidental rudeness occurs alarmingly often,” Dumbledore finished the sentence gravely.

Mom lied. The crust is the shittiest part.

You can’t shame a shameless man, you can only remind him of the awesome shit he’s done.

Iron deficiency can lead to a wardrobe full of crumpled clothes

A sneeze can never be to far away

We’re on a planet, relax!