I want to lose weight by eating nothing but moon pies, which have significantly less gravity than earthier foods such as fruits and vegetables.

Even men of the noblest possible moral character are extremely susceptible to the influence of the physical charms of others. Modern, no less then Ancient History, supplies us with many most painful examples of what...

It’s easier to win an argument over a dinner you’re paying for.

It’s a lazy Saturday afternoon, there’s a couple lying naked in bed reading Encyclopediea Brittannica to each other, and arguing about whether the Andromeda Galaxy is more ‘numinous’ than the Ressurection. Do they know how...

It is awfully hard work doing nothing. However, I don’t mind hard work where there is no definite object of any kind. -Algernon

Comedy is a great tool. We are trying to find ways to use humor to enlighten people without preaching to them.

You can change your mind, don’t let your mind change you

Always think backwards before moving forwards

Love flows like flowers, and grows like water. I’m so thirsty for romance I could drink a dozen roses.

If the weight comes from bacon you can so deduct it off the scale total to get your true weight. #science

You know, it really doesn`t matter what (the media) write as long as you`ve got a young and beautiful piece of ass.

I don’t mean to be rude—” he began, in a tone that threatened rudeness in every syllable.”Yet, sadly, accidental rudeness occurs alarmingly often,” Dumbledore finished the sentence gravely.

You can’t shame a shameless man, you can only remind him of the awesome shit he’s done.

JACKYour duty as a gentleman calls you back. ALGERNONMy duty as a gentleman has never interfered with my pleasures in the smallest degree.

Who’s stupid now, Jimbo?!

over protective? a butler in a grade- B movie? someones jewish mother? you got it

A sneeze can never be to far away

I like video games, but they’re really violent. I’d like to play a video game where you help the people who were shot in all the other games. It’d be called ‘Really Busy Hospital.

Never be less interesting than your refrigerator magnets.

Oh, man,” Xavier groaned. “See what you’ve done–now I’m stressing.””You can’t! You’re the stable one!”Xavier laughed and I realized his distress had been feigned to illustrate a point. He wasn’t worried in the slightest.”Just relax....

I don’t need a personal trainer… I need someone to stalk me and threaten to kick my ass when I eat and drink stuff I’m not supposed to!

How’d you get to be so good at this?””I had a good teacher.””Better not have been Myrnin or I’ll have to kick his predatory ass.””I mean you, dummy.””Oh.

We’re on a planet, relax!

Only a female could be as calculating and have the foresight that destiny requires,’ the gypsy explained. ‘Now fate is a man,’ he went on, ‘no planning, just go with the flow and see what...

I was making pancakes the other day and a fly flew into the kitchen. And that’s when I realized that a spatula is a lot like a fly swatter. And a crushed fly is a...

The most pleasant and alluring curve on a woman is the smile

Iron deficiency can lead to a wardrobe full of crumpled clothes

When your diary is full and your life is empty, get a date

If it was my business, I wouldn’t talk about it. It is very vulgar to talk about one’s business. Only people like stockbroker’s do that, and then merely at dinner parties.

Growing up is the dumbest thing I ever wanted to rush into.

I’ve found a great hiding place for all my money, down the drain

Though I should have known better, I had to ask. “What is furniture disease?” She looked at me like I had the IQ of a grape. “It’s when your chest falls into your drawers. Get...

She told me she might not be there when I get back, and I got so angry I said something stupid. I told her I might not be there when I get back either.

You silly Arthur! If you knew anything about…anything, which you don’t, you would know that I adore you. Everyone in London knows it except you. It is a public scandal the way I adore you....

Sort of’ is such a harmless thing to say… sort of. It’s just a filler. Sort of… it doesn’t really mean anything. But after certain things, sort of means everything. Like… after “I love you”…...

He’s not doing anything he shouldn’t be doing, right?” “Like what?””Like hitting on you.””Ew. No, of course not. He doesn’t see me that way.” Michael shook his head and went back to his coffee.”What? You...

You could argue I’m a loser, but I’d win that debate thus proving you wrong by proving you wrong.

Listen carefully, Lucas Steele, because I will only say this once. I am NOT your mate, I will never be your mate, and if you ever put your hands on me again I will cut...

No one ever thinks about the guy who was raised by the guy who was raised by wolves.

LADY BRACKNELLThirty-five is a very attractive age. London society is full of women of the very highest birth who have, of their own free choice, remained thirty-five for years. Lady Dumbleton is an instance in...

Get Him!

If you’re worried about safety, you might like to follow my example and put on that seat belt.””The what?”Xavier shook his head in disbelief.”You worry me,” he muttered.

LADY BRACKNELLI had some crumpets with Lady Harbury, who seems to me to be living entirely for pleasure now.ALGERNONI hear her hair has turned quite gold from grief.

Love is a roundness, like a hole—a black hole. If what she wants is space, I’ll give her space—enough to fill an auditorium that has ample seating for a lecture by Stephen Hawking.

A philosopher is a blind man in a dark room looking for a black cat that isn’t there. A theologian is the man who finds it.

Just as soon as I arrive I want to leave. Especially when I’m in love.

I am the All Three Cats of love, and if you had to choose, you’d be wise to pick the middle one.

I just bought a rotary phone, a Rolodex, and a polyester suit. Oh yes, I’m now ready to start networking.

Marsh: Our best efforts were never even a mild annoyance to the Lord Ruler.”Kelsier: Ah, but being an annoyance is something that I am very good at. In fact, I’m far more than just a...

People with disabilities are sometimes very humble and approachable, if you want a seasoned reputation, then behave like one of the handicaps.