It’s easier to win an argument over a dinner you’re paying for.

I want to lose weight by eating nothing but moon pies, which have significantly less gravity than earthier foods such as fruits and vegetables.

Lightning doesn’t thunder twice. Let that be a lesson in love.

Love flows like flowers, and grows like water. I’m so thirsty for romance I could drink a dozen roses.

It’s not that the risk isn’t worth the reward, it’s that the reward isn’t worth as much as another reward, which also has a lesser risk.

I spilled semen everywhere. No wonder the world is overpopulated.

I speak Spanish like I chew spinach—like it’s dried bubble gum stuck underneath a park bench.

You could argue I’m a loser, but I’d win that debate thus proving you wrong by proving you wrong.

Most people buy the highest quality television sets, only to watch the lowest quality television shows.

He’s a great guy. He’d give you the shirt off his back if you asked. In fact, I’m wearing his shirt now, and I’m staring at his nipples.

I have the heart of a lion, and the circulatory system of a lamb.

She told me she might not be there when I get back, and I got so angry I said something stupid. I told her I might not be there when I get back either.

Love is a roundness, like a hole—a black hole. If what she wants is space, I’ll give her space—enough to fill an auditorium that has ample seating for a lecture by Stephen Hawking.

Do I attribute my success to hard work, or sunscreen? If you want the truth, maybe you should ask my new albino secretary.

My dreams and ambitions kept me company on the way there, and despair and regret were passengers on my return trip. I should have ridden a horse and not bothered with all that.

If you’re doing it right, love takes everything you’ve got—just like a politician.

Don’t leave me alone. Love me alone.

Like a spy, I planted a bug. Like a farmer, I watched it grow into a politician that more than half the people chose not to step on.

I don’t work out, but I do work in, which requires more focus and stillness.

Ever since I was fired for sleeping on the job I’ve worn a shirt and tie to bed.

I admire the Stanley Cup. I’ll bet winning it could provide enough clean water for half of Africa (the middle half).

I had a dream about you. You wanted to go for a walk, and I wanted to start a parade. I suggested we team up, but you said you’d rather have sex with a cactus....

Love is the best gift because it’s free to give and priceless to receive.

Politics is the art of doing nothing and ruining everything.

How many seconds does it take to win second? As many as it takes to win first—if you don’t use them properly.

His breath smelled like defeat. And dick—mine, which incidentally smelled like his asshole. Ah, but that’s just politics.

I took baby steps to overcome my embarrassment over my tiny infant feet. Would you dance with me even if I had the moves of a midget?

Not even death can keep me from the woman I love. And why should it? My death won’t keep me from voting for President every four years.

The issue, let’s pick it up in the AM. The mannequin, let’s pick it up now and dance like our stiff moves are cool and by design.

The hidden cost of frowning is the negative impact on the people around you, which results in diminished productivity in the workforce, and lost tax revenue for the city. Thus, frowns should be fined, and...

I can feel my cheeks through your cheesecake buttocks.

I need a camera shutter on my penis hole. That way I could photograph political corruption from the inside.

A smile, a smirk, and a wink walk into a bar, and the bartender asks them what they’ll have to drink, and I didn’t hear what they ordered because I was onstage giving an exciting...

I told the cops I’ve been framed. I told them to just go look in the art gallery.

When I’m with her, life just makes sense. It makes nonsense.

Good art is like a sexy pair of lips—it has the potential to say so much, but prefers to have you do all the talking about it. Also, good art is fun to kiss and...

The university awarded me my degree, but can something that’s basically worthless be properly called an award?

My cat’s name is Mr. Dog, and My penis’ name is Mr. Beaver. Ah, but that’s life, no?

A balanced argument is one that takes place entirely in my head, and doesn’t cause me to tip over.

My math is so fuzzy you should pet it. Four minus two isn’t two, because between two and four minus two is an infinite number of numbers.

I put my deodorant on like I’m painting my armpits with a paintbrush. Art is everywhere and in everything—especially love.

Around here there’s not much to do, I’m afraid. Actually, I’m lying. That’s not one of my fears.

If I were a cave dweller, I wouldn’t draw on my living room walls like a caveman. No, I’d draw on my walls like Basquiat. Not a big difference aesthetically, but a huge difference in...

Enjoy every second—even if at first you only win second. Keep competing until all your competition has died of old age and you are the winner by default.

If there is no picture, there is no proof.

Life: Don’t count the minutes, count your blessings.

A brick could be used to change the channel on a TV. Or at least turn it off—permanently.

I had a dream about you. We were playing football (soccer), and I just needed to score one goal to win. Of course, one goal was one more than I’d scored so far, so it...

Yesterday I memorized Shakespeare, and tomorrow I’m also going to memorize his first name.

A blanket could be used to what the hell your way out of your neighbor’s bedroom.