I spilled semen everywhere. No wonder the world is overpopulated.

I speak Spanish like I chew spinach—like it’s dried bubble gum stuck underneath a park bench.

It’s easier to win an argument over a dinner you’re paying for.

I’m ambidextrous. I can write just as poorly with either hand.

Lightning doesn’t thunder twice. Let that be a lesson in love.

It’s not that the risk isn’t worth the reward, it’s that the reward isn’t worth as much as another reward, which also has a lesser risk.

Love flows like flowers, and grows like water. I’m so thirsty for romance I could drink a dozen roses.

He’s a great guy. He’d give you the shirt off his back if you asked. In fact, I’m wearing his shirt now, and I’m staring at his nipples.

I have the heart of a lion, and the circulatory system of a lamb.

She told me she might not be there when I get back, and I got so angry I said something stupid. I told her I might not be there when I get back either.

You could argue I’m a loser, but I’d win that debate thus proving you wrong by proving you wrong.

Most people buy the highest quality television sets, only to watch the lowest quality television shows.

I want to lose weight by eating nothing but moon pies, which have significantly less gravity than earthier foods such as fruits and vegetables.

Love is a roundness, like a hole—a black hole. If what she wants is space, I’ll give her space—enough to fill an auditorium that has ample seating for a lecture by Stephen Hawking.

Do I attribute my success to hard work, or sunscreen? If you want the truth, maybe you should ask my new albino secretary.

Is a picture really worth a thousand words? What thousand words? A thousand words from a lunatic, or a thousand words from Nietzsche? Actually, Nietzsche was a lunatic, but you see my point. What about...

I make love with the accuracy of Joe Montana, and from a distance of up to 100 yards.

When I see a cop’s lights behind me at two in the morning, and I have my disco ball dangling from my rearview mirror, it’s like, Hey, a party! Especially if I’ve been drinking.

The other day I went to the Huddle House. I wasn’t hungry, I just wanted to call some plays.

Me mating with a midget is like a skyscraper having sex with a cathedral. But still I’d like to try. Just not while mass is in session.

Who would you rather make love to—me, or the dead carcass of a deer? Don’t deliver a hasty answer. Think it over.

I have good news and I have bad news. The good news is that your house hasn’t burned down, you don’t have cancer, and your daughter hasn’t been raped or murdered. The bad news is...

We made love like an earthquake, which was nice because neither one of us had to do any work.

He doesn’t have sex with sheep—he sleeps with scapegoats. He is my father, and I haven’t seen him since before I was born.

I’m twice as old as she is tall. She’s half my age in height. We have a David and Goliath kind of love.

Most guys confuse lust and love. I am in sex with you.

Many people wonder, is my love a llama—or an alpaca? The answer, is yes.

My love is like the shape your mouth makes while you whistle. Would you mind if I accompanied you on my harmonica?

She said she had to leave in four minutes. I said, Great! Let’s have sex twice.

I have a phobia of balloons—and other sharp objects. I also have a fear of too much love—giving, not getting.

I went to a potluck. I brought my own pot—and luck. The pot was empty, just like my promise to bring food the next time.

Do you know what I want to do? If you guessed have sex, you win a brand new baby!

I had tons of fun, minus 3,999 pounds.

A brick is a lot like love. I mean, I’m sure it is. It simply must be. However, I can’t think of how at the moment, but that’s natural, because I’m not Cupid. OK, here’s...

I love nature. It beats having to flush.

Question for your life: If you could change War’s name, do you think you’d change its nature?

A brick could be used as a stamp on a letter, to increase the weight and boost the cost and profitability of the postal service. It would be government efficiency at its finest.

If I get on the elevator on the ground floor, the building has no basement, and someone says, Going up? I like to give them that blank road kill dead in the eyes look.

I once watched several criminals engage in an organized argument, while an audience of supporters cheered them on, but I was so disgusted that I had to turn off the political debate.

Nothing, Everything, Anything, Something: If you have nothing, then you have everything, because you have the freedom to do anything, without the fear of losing something.

Would you mind a mind blindfold, a block on your imagination? You couldn’t create a fantasy world to live in, but you could create a life for yourself without irrational fears of the future.

There’s a relentless wave of WTF coming out of Washington DC.

The truth is I did try to stab him. I tried to stab him with a butter knife. Why? Because it seemed deadlier than trying to stab him with a melting stick of butter.

Two hearts that beat as one, and they’re both mine. I’ve got them hooked up to a synchometer.

Handcuffs barely wrap around the girth of my penis. I should run for Congress.

In a battle of believability, the winner is the one with the best body language, not the clearest logic.

The ocean in the sky keeps my love fresh like boat shoes that are too big to fail. My heart is flooded with feelings like Noah one knows.

Do you ever wonder if you’re the antichrist? I do. Not for myself of course, but I think you’re the devil.

There’s truth in what you say, even though it’s all lies.

I want to go to Martha’s Vineyard. I have an aunt named Martha. And an uncle by that name. Neither one is related to me.