I speak Spanish like I chew spinach—like it’s dried bubble gum stuck underneath a park bench.

It’s easier to win an argument over a dinner you’re paying for.

I want to lose weight by eating nothing but moon pies, which have significantly less gravity than earthier foods such as fruits and vegetables.

Love flows like flowers, and grows like water. I’m so thirsty for romance I could drink a dozen roses.

She told me she might not be there when I get back, and I got so angry I said something stupid. I told her I might not be there when I get back either.

You could argue I’m a loser, but I’d win that debate thus proving you wrong by proving you wrong.

Most people buy the highest quality television sets, only to watch the lowest quality television shows.

Love is a roundness, like a hole—a black hole. If what she wants is space, I’ll give her space—enough to fill an auditorium that has ample seating for a lecture by Stephen Hawking.

Do I attribute my success to hard work, or sunscreen? If you want the truth, maybe you should ask my new albino secretary.

If writers write, then rangers range. And I’d like to wake up every morning and be a mother, so I could eat my own clothes.

A brick could be used to stop a murder. Just wedge it in front of the door of the murderer, and enclose him in his room.

I had a dream about you. We sold love like a couple of roadside lemonade-stand vendors. Your love was organic, and mine was made with yellow tennis balls.

Hexagon!

A blanket could be used as a soggy umbrella, if you’re too cheap to buy my 360-degrees spinning windshield wiper on a stick. Think of it like a one-bladed helicopter, and picture yourself as dry...

I had a dream about you. We were going to change the world. But instead you changed your clothes and changed your mind about going to the bar, so I ended up crying on your...

I want to write a book called, ‘Bonfires and Bras,’ which follows around a young, braless feminist who struggles to adopt in air conditioned rooms, as her hardened nipples cause her excess embarrassment.

A brick could be used to measure the speed of gravity, but an apple offers a tastier option.

Naked Lunch” that day, but the cafeteria served us all clothing. I like my meals a little more scandalous. I should eat in the library, along with the other gluttonous nudists.

When I’m in a relationship, I love like a burrito. And if you’re a taco, don’t talk to me. At our core we may seem similar, but trust me, we are two different items on...

A blanket could be used as a sail for my self-esteem when I’m floating upstream on the turbulent river of my subconscious. Some of my thoughts can be quite windy, gusts with gusto, like a...

I don’t want to ever see her again, because I want to always remember her as she was—young and beautiful. She won’t remember, because she was 88 when we met and suffering from dementia.

You can tell a lot about a person’s character by how they do life’s menial tasks. For example, I saw my neighbor washing dishes, and I could immediately tell that he was an adulterer by...

I called the police to report my missing mustache, but they didn’t take me seriously. I’ll bet if I had a mustache, they’d take me seriously. #catch22

True freedom is an empty cup, because it can be filled with anything. Freedom sounds great, until someone hands it to you, and then it just makes you thirsty.

We all wear uniforms, even if we’re conforming to unconformity. People who try so hard to look different end up looking the same as all the other people who try so hard to look different.

A brick could be used as a deodorant deterrent. Just ask any stinky Congressman.

People should be heard, and music should be listened to.

We need more upright citizens in this country. Everybody is just lying down as if asleep to the issues. And those who are up and moving are merely sleepwalking.

A brick could be used to make music. But why not use something more humane, like your armpit.

The only thing that stays the same is change.

The world has genetically modified opinions, but mine are organic. Taste them and you will see.

I’ve got you covered. Just don’t hog all the blanket.

A blanket could be used to divide people. All men who oppose me should get on top of the blanket, and all women who support me would be well advised get naked and get under...

A banana is not a pistol. Still, please don’t point one at me.

A blanket could be used to wipe away my tears. But it’d better be a blanket the size of America, because I’ve been crying since Andrew Jackson died.

I blended into the kitchen like a blender, but I made so much noise that I nearly woke up the strawberries and bananas. You should hear me make love. (I sound like an ice machine,...

I had to quit my taxi cab driving job because I had no way to get to work. The problem was I kept calling myself to come pick me up.

A brick could be placed down on the first step on the path to enlightenment.

I can’t be always and everywhere Who Man. Sometimes I have to be the Why Guy. But that’s what makes women want to make love to me and give me a discount price.

In all four years of high school, not once did I make the football team. The other part of the story is that I never even tried out. Just raw talent, I guess.

I say we cut our government in half, with a chainsaw along their waists.

I’ve never had a one-night stand with anybody over the course of a whole weekend. I’ve also never had a one-night stand while standing the whole time.

I bought a house in a depressed neighborhood. The prices weren’t low, but the people were all bummed out.

If my legs get blown off in war, I’d like to have them replaced with a coffee table. Half man/half furniture, I’ll be in the living room if you need me.

they’ll match the lemonade.” I make love like an Arnold Palmer, but not like Arnold Palmer.

They say there are 7 billion people on earth. I don’t know what accountant came up with that number, but in my humble opinion, they might have been off by at least a dozen. You...

I wear a glove to honor all the men who have given me a hand. And to think, out of all those men, they only had one hand. No wonder I never get any high-fives.

A vagina is not like a car door, no matter how hard you slam it. That’s why I prefer to drive Jeeps.

Duke!” and the bartender threw me out, because he was a Chapel Hill fan, and I was drunk.

I bought you a box of karate chops, but it could be dangerous to open it with a knife. And cats are masters at getting into boxes, so here, try opening it with my portable...