It’s easier to win an argument over a dinner you’re paying for.

Lightning doesn’t thunder twice. Let that be a lesson in love.

Love flows like flowers, and grows like water. I’m so thirsty for romance I could drink a dozen roses.

It’s not that the risk isn’t worth the reward, it’s that the reward isn’t worth as much as another reward, which also has a lesser risk.

I spilled semen everywhere. No wonder the world is overpopulated.

I speak Spanish like I chew spinach—like it’s dried bubble gum stuck underneath a park bench.

You could argue I’m a loser, but I’d win that debate thus proving you wrong by proving you wrong.

Most people buy the highest quality television sets, only to watch the lowest quality television shows.

He’s a great guy. He’d give you the shirt off his back if you asked. In fact, I’m wearing his shirt now, and I’m staring at his nipples.

I have the heart of a lion, and the circulatory system of a lamb.

She told me she might not be there when I get back, and I got so angry I said something stupid. I told her I might not be there when I get back either.

I want to lose weight by eating nothing but moon pies, which have significantly less gravity than earthier foods such as fruits and vegetables.

Love is a roundness, like a hole—a black hole. If what she wants is space, I’ll give her space—enough to fill an auditorium that has ample seating for a lecture by Stephen Hawking.

Do I attribute my success to hard work, or sunscreen? If you want the truth, maybe you should ask my new albino secretary.

I told her to wait for me. She asked how long. I told her eight inches.

In the lobby of every business incubator there needs to be a bathtub, to get the ideas flowing. But to make it funktional, it needs to be used as a fish tank.

I should be a coach, because when my players win, I win. But when my players lose, what a bunch of losers and hey, don’t blame me, because I wasn’t playing.

I had a dream about you. You were cooking me dinner, and I was standing by the stove questioning your every move. You found me ungrateful, and I found the number for Chinese takeout. I...

Love is a fur helmet in a new sport called Petting, where physical contact is the object of the game. Even when you lose, you win.

I had a dream about you. I asked you to dance, and you said you already had a partner. That was when I noticed you were embracing a mannequin, and I felt my face get...

If I were an armadillo, and a stranger came up and said I looked familiar, and they wanted to know why I looked so familiar, I’d respond in a raspy voice, “Your brother ran over...

A blanket could be used to stop gun violence. Make sleep, not war.

I had a dream about you. You’d never been in an elevator before, and I’d never been in love. I said I could help you, and you said you could help me. I got excited...

I’m hungry for success. And lasagna.

A brick could be used to make it harder for people to achieve their dreams. A brick is just another obstacle they have to overcome if they are going to achieve their goals.

I had a dream about you. We made love like two albinos in the snow. Even though I could see everything, I couldn’t see anything.

I want to be a creature that’s half bee, half the letter B. That way I can pollinate the world with my literacy.

A blanket could be used to announce your intention to announce your intentions. Make sure the blanket is neon orange though, or you might not get the attention you deserve.

The Cat In The Hat,” I won’t need to protect my sensitive lips anymore.

I always felt that Jim Morrison was a terrible name for the front man of The Doors. No, for a band called The Doors, a name like Rusty Hinge would have been more appropriate.

A brick could be used to help the needy. Giving a brick as a gift is a symbol showing you want to help build their future.

My I love you was a measured response, like one gallon of coffee in one cup of sugar. It was just overflowing with an awakening of my soul.

It’s been said that men think only about sex and food. And some men, like my uncle Lester, think about sex with food. Needless to say the church has ordered him to cease bringing his...

A brick could be used as a replacement for an erection. Hey, I did it in the early 2000s, and I gave birth to the housing bubble. Well, I didn’t literally give birth to it,...

It’s 4:00 in the afternoon and I’m just now putting on clothes. The life of a writer is as free as the pizza I just had delivered is not.

Look at the size of his Naples!

My hand acts as a blanket for my genitals.

Music enters through the ear, not the penis hole. This is probably a common mistake most deaf men make.

Yeah, tell your girl to twirl it on a fork before she puts it in her mouth.

A blanket could be used to study the stars more thoroughly. I don’t know how exactly, because I’m not Stephen Hawking. Somebody get me a wheelchair.

Unless I’m at a wedding, I don’t like veiled threats.

I’m older than myself. At least I will be, once my clone gets here.

A brick could be your new best friend. If this appeals to you, it’s probably because people tend to seek the company of others who posses similar intellects and interests. And as I have just...

You want me to wear a condom?!

It’s a dog-eat-dog world, and I’m just a kitten.

When someone says so-and-so’s opinionated, what’s that mean? Aren’t we all opinionated? Show me one person with no opinions, and I’ll show you a bowl of Jell-O—or a politician, whichever one’s dumber.

I make love like a lump of cold oatmeal. I apologize if that mental image excites you and makes you hunger for me.

On a clear day I can see NYC. I just have to turn on the TV.

A brick could be used to satisfy your hunger—and satisfy my curiosity.

If I were a number, I’d want to have sextillion with you.