Love flows like flowers, and grows like water. I’m so thirsty for romance I could drink a dozen roses.

It’s not that the risk isn’t worth the reward, it’s that the reward isn’t worth as much as another reward, which also has a lesser risk.

I speak Spanish like I chew spinach—like it’s dried bubble gum stuck underneath a park bench.

It’s easier to win an argument over a dinner you’re paying for.

I want to lose weight by eating nothing but moon pies, which have significantly less gravity than earthier foods such as fruits and vegetables.

I have the heart of a lion, and the circulatory system of a lamb.

Most people buy the highest quality television sets, only to watch the lowest quality television shows.

She told me she might not be there when I get back, and I got so angry I said something stupid. I told her I might not be there when I get back either.

You could argue I’m a loser, but I’d win that debate thus proving you wrong by proving you wrong.

He’s a great guy. He’d give you the shirt off his back if you asked. In fact, I’m wearing his shirt now, and I’m staring at his nipples.

Love is a roundness, like a hole—a black hole. If what she wants is space, I’ll give her space—enough to fill an auditorium that has ample seating for a lecture by Stephen Hawking.

Do I attribute my success to hard work, or sunscreen? If you want the truth, maybe you should ask my new albino secretary.

I would have been a black belt in Karate much sooner, but the store was sold out of Sharpie markers.

In the future, man will travel on flying carpets, and shoes that float on water. And we’ll all make love together, as one, as one might masturbate today.

A brick could be used to remind you. I would remind you of what you need to be reminded about, but that’s not my role—that’s the brick’s place.

In high school I tried out for the spelling team, but only because I really wanted a letter jacket.

Some people work to live, and other people live to work. Then some people, like me, are both unemployed and alive (at least at the time of this writing).

A blanket could be used, or it could not be used. They are opposites, but that doesn’t mean one is good and the other is bad.

If you want to know my story, you have to go back to the beginning. Not the beginning-beginning, but about nine months later. You see, I was born as a poor farm boy. Believe it...

Last night at work, I was short people. I was two midgets and a mute.

A brick could be used to stop a tornado, unlike a mobile home, which only acts like a tornado magnet and seems to increase its power.

I ate a pound cake today, but I gained two.

My clone will have my mind, but I don’t mind. Two heads are better than one—especially when those two are one and the same.

A brick could be used as a flying decision inducer. You could have said yes before I threw the brick, but I suppose you’ll be more agreeable when you wake up from your coma.

This morning, as I was driving to work, I mistook a big brown box on the side of the road for a deer. It was dark, and I swerved at the last second, and even...

I’d like to see a flag made not out of stars and stripes, but rather fingers and knuckles, so that it could really wave in the wind. It would be the most welcoming flag in...

A brick could be used to stop potential terrorist plots. But it sure would be more effective if I could just record every single phone conversation, email, text message, Google search, and Skype video chat...

If we spoke with our ears, and listened through our mouth, then a kiss might be the most romantic sound in the world.

Tell me there’s a God, and I’ll believe you. But tell me you’re not in love with me, and I’ll shoot you an incredulous look. Then I’ll shoot you.

A brick could be used to teach men how to dance, by learning balance. But a blanket could also teach men how to dance, by providing motivation to get good so they can get some...

Dear Ford,I think my Ford Explorer door is broken. It just won’t close. I think this is because I don’t have the rest of the Explorer, I only have the door.It’s a passenger-side door, and...

There is one woman I’ve dated I just can’t seem to forget, no matter how much I drink or how many concussions I give myself.

A brick and a blanket aptly describe my former roommate. He was as dumb as a brick, and only highly functional on a bed. Or so I heard—not that I’d know from personal experience.

I want to hang from a tree the way Spanish moss hung from my father’s face, like the mustache he was so embarrassed he couldn’t grow.

I’m the sort of businessman who goes in to buy a lime, and comes out with a lemon. I’m shrewd like that. I’m the same with cars. If you ever need help buying a used...

Mr. Pot drank ten pots of coffee, even though I only made eight. That’s a savings of 20%!

The best day of the week to fall in love is always today. Today will happen again tomorrow, so I’m comfortable sleeping alone for the next 24 hours straight.

I’ll give you a glass of wine, if you give me a few drops of water from your eyes. I’m thirsty for your sadness.

A brick could be used to help you keep your job. Just hold it down, man.

I suspect I’ll be suspicious for my whole life that Saturday night is sleeping with Sunday morning.

I planted the seed in her imagination, and then I farmed it. Like a fisherman.

A brick could be used in a manner most secret. But Shh! I can’t tell you. What part about secret don’t you understand?

but does it have a winning taste? I’d hardly call silver a champion flavor. No, I’ll stick to my red wine.

It’s 3:32, and I need just one more ingredient to finish baking 3:33. Would you prefer the AM or the PM piece?

The cloud cover made for a terrible blanket.

A job is like a politician struggling in the water. Be sure you hold it down.

A Taste of the Gulag.”

A brick could be used as a flashlight. What, still dark? Check the batteries, because they may be dead.

Aside from murder alibis and kinky sex, what good are clones?

Finger food, is that food you eat with your fingers, or is that where you eat your fingers? I’m starving, but I also want to play the piano, so I need to know.