I speak Spanish like I chew spinach—like it’s dried bubble gum stuck underneath a park bench.

It’s easier to win an argument over a dinner you’re paying for.

I want to lose weight by eating nothing but moon pies, which have significantly less gravity than earthier foods such as fruits and vegetables.

Lightning doesn’t thunder twice. Let that be a lesson in love.

It’s not that the risk isn’t worth the reward, it’s that the reward isn’t worth as much as another reward, which also has a lesser risk.

Love flows like flowers, and grows like water. I’m so thirsty for romance I could drink a dozen roses.

I spilled semen everywhere. No wonder the world is overpopulated.

I have the heart of a lion, and the circulatory system of a lamb.

She told me she might not be there when I get back, and I got so angry I said something stupid. I told her I might not be there when I get back either.

You could argue I’m a loser, but I’d win that debate thus proving you wrong by proving you wrong.

Most people buy the highest quality television sets, only to watch the lowest quality television shows.

He’s a great guy. He’d give you the shirt off his back if you asked. In fact, I’m wearing his shirt now, and I’m staring at his nipples.

Love is a roundness, like a hole—a black hole. If what she wants is space, I’ll give her space—enough to fill an auditorium that has ample seating for a lecture by Stephen Hawking.

Do I attribute my success to hard work, or sunscreen? If you want the truth, maybe you should ask my new albino secretary.

A blanket could make a good hood on a car, because it’s flat and warm and I don’t currently have a hood. Or a car.

He’s being silent again. Tell him to be quiet.

Question for your life: If your face looked like your ass, and I’m not implying it doesn’t, would you consider invading Russia in the middle of winter wearing only shorts?

The first door in the hall leads to youth, the second door leads to middle age, and the third door leads to the bathroom. But knock first, because I think grandpa’s in there.

I’m sad that I’m leaving, but I’m happy that I’m going. The thing is, I am in love, and I’m going to be in love—but there are two people, two places, and one destination—in love.

The only problem with politicians taking two week vacations every year is it’s about 50 weeks too short.

The truth is like a nipple: the more you twist it, the more somebody is going to get hurt.

I love writing about love, even though I’m an emotional orphan. I didn’t abandon my feelings—they abandoned me!

It is possible to be a retard and a politician. In fact, it’s almost a prerequisite.

I’d rather go into a competition as the underdog. Less pressure to perform, and more motivation.

The country with the most writers is ironically probably the country with the least readers—USA. And once my parents die, my entire reading base will disappear.

I feel like the boy who cried wolf, even though I know even less about politics.

One great thinker said one thing, another said another, and while the two thoughts are contradicting, the one that backs my argument at the moment is the superior statement.

I’m too two for my taste. I want to be more one, more of a winner. If I start thinking like a champion, maybe I’ll start cheating like one.

I wouldn’t mind politicians lying to me, stealing from me, or senselessly making life difficult if they didn’t try to claim they were looking out for my best interest. How refreshing it’d be to see...

Things can go three ways—left, right, or straight. If you stand on one side, either the left or the right, you will have the quickest reaction 1/3rd of the time, the second quickest reaction 1/3rd...

A brick could be used to prop up a wobbly table—or an unstable relationship. I wish I’d have thought of that before I got divorced.

Boy, when Grandma Wrinklebottom comes to town, you’d better hide your underwear. I know I’ll be hiding my political perspectives.

Coaching 101: First you build the team, and then you build the torture chamber for underperformers.

A blanket could be used as an American flag. It could keep the world warm with its patronizing patriotism and imperialism.

Be the cheeseburger you’ve always dreamed you could be. That’s the advice I’d give to any hamburger running for political office.

I have nothing, so I think having something would mean everything to me. But I don’t want to get to the point where I have everything, so having something would mean nothing to me.

One winter I wrapped myself in newspaper, for warmth and for illiteracy.

I’m a student of life. My own. So I’m also my own teacher.

Congress needs to act now. Seriously, leave Washington DC, move to Hollywood, and leave the rest of the country alone.

Opportunity is not your opponent—it is your ally, but it’s hard to see that because opportunity is often camouflaged and hidden among danger and chaos.

Thor again tutored me in the seventh grade, when I was learning Algebra. Algebra was quite an experience for me. Thor spent countless hours with me, because it was very hard for me to grasp...

I have no regrets. Just original grets.

Our meeting will keep, but my meatloaf and bowl of masturbation in the fridge won’t. Everybody at the political campaign loves when I bring food.

I was in love. Either that, or I was knocking on the wrong door. But it didn’t matter, because nobody answered.

I want to be a politician because I like the idea of public service. Come on, who wouldn’t want all the people at their service? I’d get to live like a king, only I’d be...

An award would be more prestigious if it came with a supplemental income for a year, so you could focus on repeating your title.

Don’t talk sign language and masturbate at the same time. Not unless you’re translating a Presidential State of the Union address.

I look forward to getting my hopes up. I have an appointment for disappointment.

If you had to sacrifice three people to save six people, would you do it? I would—if the three were politicians and the six were teachers, inventors, artists, or anybody but lawyers, lobbyists, or central...

Love is a gift that costs nothing to give. Love is also the most valuable thing in the world. Think about that next time you’re tempted to call me a cheap bastard because I didn’t...