I speak Spanish like I chew spinach—like it’s dried bubble gum stuck underneath a park bench.

It’s easier to win an argument over a dinner you’re paying for.

I want to lose weight by eating nothing but moon pies, which have significantly less gravity than earthier foods such as fruits and vegetables.

Lightning doesn’t thunder twice. Let that be a lesson in love.

Love flows like flowers, and grows like water. I’m so thirsty for romance I could drink a dozen roses.

It’s not that the risk isn’t worth the reward, it’s that the reward isn’t worth as much as another reward, which also has a lesser risk.

I spilled semen everywhere. No wonder the world is overpopulated.

I have the heart of a lion, and the circulatory system of a lamb.

She told me she might not be there when I get back, and I got so angry I said something stupid. I told her I might not be there when I get back either.

You could argue I’m a loser, but I’d win that debate thus proving you wrong by proving you wrong.

Most people buy the highest quality television sets, only to watch the lowest quality television shows.

He’s a great guy. He’d give you the shirt off his back if you asked. In fact, I’m wearing his shirt now, and I’m staring at his nipples.

Love is a roundness, like a hole—a black hole. If what she wants is space, I’ll give her space—enough to fill an auditorium that has ample seating for a lecture by Stephen Hawking.

Do I attribute my success to hard work, or sunscreen? If you want the truth, maybe you should ask my new albino secretary.

I keep my heart in my hope chest. Other items in there are clothes, towels, silverware, and all the love I have to offer my future wife. I must specify that my love is hand...

The only thing politicians serve is their own interest. Public servant has morphed into private serpent.

Jarod.” But with my logo, people only see the face, and not the name behind the face, which is how it is in real life. So smile, because it’s what people will remember about you.

She stole my heart, like a pickpocket. And when my wallet also went missing, I knew it was love.

There’s a faint whiff of feces wafting up my nostrils. But that’s natural, because I just walked past a politician.

I gather wisdom like a net gathers fish. And the more fish I get in my net, the more I feel like a chicken.

My grandpa passed a few days ago. But I’m not sad. He was only driving 20 miles an hour, so I’m sure I’ll catch up to him.

My love life is modeled after being muddled. I have a relationship like the one between you and your elected official—and your elected official and the lobbyists.

Buy one pair of pants and get a wallet full of cash for free. While I’ll admit they do have a coffee stain on the crotch, I can assure you it is caffeinated. Licking it...

Some people say I look like my mom, while others say I look more like my dad. I guess it all depends on what I’m wearing.

You run for political office, insulated from the consequences that actions incur in the real world.

I’m in the middle between a pessimist and an optimist. I take full responsibility for the glass half full. Well, I take half-full responsibility. But if it were full of beer, I’d take full responsibility.

Release your love—and then release the prisoners. They’ve been trapped in my testicles all day. I wonder if we can get a family discount if we buy circus tickets in bulk.

I want to invent a Laughometer, a device to measure and gauge humor, which would be used for comedians. And politicians.

plus one.” But I did get all worked up, and I spent the evening on the couch, crying.

My ashtray is full, the carton of cigarettes is empty, and I just cremated grandpa. But I never inhaled—or told him I loved him.

He had a ten-gallon hat that hid a twenty-gallon fish tank inside his translucent forehead. He had fish for brains, as do most politicians.

My love is greater than a cheese grater, and was instrumental in the creation of the pizza industry. And by instrumental I mean an acoustic guitar.

Save money on kids by volume. Deal in bulk and have dozens of kids.

I long to belong like a midget longs to be long. Footlong hotdogs are 12 inches too short to take seriously, and I vote with my wallet. Sadly, there are no refunds in politics.

If you give me a gift, it’d be insulting to pay you, because I’d be denying you the gift of giving. So my gift to you is to accept your gift, thereby allowing you to...

I have rubbed shoulders with the rich, the powerful, and the armless. It’s how to network when handshakes aren’t an option.

Leadership is being the first to put others second. Wait, that’s not right. That’s politics.

Nothing says I love you like the gift of a half-eaten candy bar. I ate my half two weeks before I remembered to give it to her.

I don’t dress like I have any money. And I don’t have any money, which helps enable me to dress like that.

The president of the US is the leader of the free world, if by free world you mean the country with the largest prison system.

Getting to know somebody new—it’s part of the fun of avoiding people.

Making money for my clones, now that’s what I call self-enrichment. Having all my clones working for me, working for free, and enriching me, now that’s what I call social progress. Ah, but that’s life,...

I’d kill every politician with a spoon, if I thought they had coffee for brains. But they’re simply not that intelligent, and I wish the people would wake up to that fact.

Sure, I have nice shoes. They’re in my closet, collecting a patina of dust. My shoes were made for dancing, and that’s why they’re dusty, because my feet, unfortunately, were not made for dancing. My...

It’s not hush money. It’s simply dollars backed not by faith, but by shhh.

I had a dream about you. We were both surrounded by poor people, but there was one big difference—I was poor, but you were rich. That’s why I was shocked when you tried to rob...

Her cold, dead body was as stiff as a mannequin, but that didn’t stop me from asking her to dance. I was confident that even as a corpse she’d still have more fluidity on the...

I left my money somewhere, probably in your wallet. Let me check.

If instead of horns, unicorns had dildos on their heads, I’ll bet more politicians would try to find them.

I’ll gyrate my hips at irate guests to generate income for the generations.