I’m ambidextrous. I can write just as poorly with either hand.

It’s easier to win an argument over a dinner you’re paying for.

Lightning doesn’t thunder twice. Let that be a lesson in love.

Love flows like flowers, and grows like water. I’m so thirsty for romance I could drink a dozen roses.

It’s not that the risk isn’t worth the reward, it’s that the reward isn’t worth as much as another reward, which also has a lesser risk.

I spilled semen everywhere. No wonder the world is overpopulated.

I speak Spanish like I chew spinach—like it’s dried bubble gum stuck underneath a park bench.

She told me she might not be there when I get back, and I got so angry I said something stupid. I told her I might not be there when I get back either.

You could argue I’m a loser, but I’d win that debate thus proving you wrong by proving you wrong.

Most people buy the highest quality television sets, only to watch the lowest quality television shows.

He’s a great guy. He’d give you the shirt off his back if you asked. In fact, I’m wearing his shirt now, and I’m staring at his nipples.

I have the heart of a lion, and the circulatory system of a lamb.

I want to lose weight by eating nothing but moon pies, which have significantly less gravity than earthier foods such as fruits and vegetables.

Love is a roundness, like a hole—a black hole. If what she wants is space, I’ll give her space—enough to fill an auditorium that has ample seating for a lecture by Stephen Hawking.

Do I attribute my success to hard work, or sunscreen? If you want the truth, maybe you should ask my new albino secretary.

I’m surprised there isn’t a jet airplane designed in the shape of a brick. Some people (aeronautical engineers) might say that’s because bricks aren’t aerodynamic. Yeah, right. I’d like to see someone make that claim...

My sheep pants don’t make me one of them. However, 37 Brantleys made an appeal on my behalf, but I still have to take off my pants.

I had an unconventional birth. I popped out of a vending machine, precisely like books don’t. But you shouldn’t read too much into it.

It’s easier to hide your smoking habit on a foggy day. Let that be a lesson for you and your secret lover.

I have assigned myself a Hooray Factor of five. This is the top level, and is the only level that has a physical representation—that of a high five. But don’t try to give me a...

What more proof do you need to illustrate how America is the land of the free than the fact that the US has the highest incarceration rate in the world?

My love for you is shaped like a left foot. And if you pulled my love out of your ass you’d know that.

It’s raining and my clothes are all wet. They are so drinkable! So is my love for you, but I left that in the river, along with the umbrella.

I sing karaoke like I drink coffee. If my words come out a bit gargled, relax, that’s precisely how Hootie and the Blowfish is supposed to sound.

I belong, and my penis, it be long.

I was half asleep when I first saw her. She thought I was being flirty and winking at her. One eye open, one eye shut, that’s the best way to see love.

I play the only instrument that takes in music rather than propelling it out: the ear trumpet. Don’t bother snickering at me—I am deaf to your mockery.

Love is, or you isn’t.

I am the All Three Cats of love, and if you had to choose, you’d be wise to pick the middle one.

I am the Vending Machine of Love. Exact change only. The price is 33.3 cents.

A blanket isn’t the solution, a blanket is the problem. I say we burn all the blankets, along with the bodies of the unbelievers.

Be honest because you stole it, not because blue/green/yell a little yellow. Dandelions just don’t meow like regular lions.

I’m too horny tonight to be productive. Right now the only thing I could make is love. And then I wouldn’t be productive, I’d be reproductive.

Freud was a fraud, but he’d probably think I have a complex of some kind. Anal, oral, Orafoural, etc. While most kids wanted to grow up to be an astronaut, one of Barbara Streisand’s bras,...

My love is heavy with ink, so I took it and transformed it into a poem for you. I would give it to you, but Grandma took it because I left it on the counter,...

I always get whiplash when I have sex in the backseat. Boy, I sure wish Grandmother would learn how to drive.

A brick could be substituted in for Rhode Island as a US state, because they’re roughly the same size, the have the same population (the brick may have one less person), and Grandma Kintz makes...

Drop by and knock on my bedroom window. My room is on the 13th floor. 1-12 are numbers on a clock, and I won’t wait forever.

There’s only one way you can appreciate me in the bedroom—call my wife and get permission for me.

I applied for an overnight stocking position at a supermarket, but I didn’t get the job. It probably went to somebody the manager knew. What, did I have to go to Harvard to get the...

I heard my friend’s car wouldn’t start, so I mailed him a parking lot. I should be a politician.

I’ve decided I like making love on rainy days. Ever since she asked me to wear a raincoat.

Our love was so hot it could melt the polar ice caps. In fact, my passion’s probably to blame for global warming.

I’d rather fall in molten lava than fall in love. But I suppose that’s just the romantic me.

With over one billion people, I’d say China is the best place to have group sex.

A blanket could be used to find the Brick of Truth. Many lies will be layered on the Brick of Truth to try to cover it up, but the blanket will cover up all the...

Ninety minutes of pure naughty (limit 30 minutes per customer). *No clones or triplets allowed!

We made love like a goat has four legs like a table. If your dining room table can walk, it’s best to eat while sitting in wheelchairs.

He’s half blind because he’s in love.

If you try to buy my body, I’ll sell you my shadow. My shadow would make a great day laborer, because it’s solar powered.