It’s not that the risk isn’t worth the reward, it’s that the reward isn’t worth as much as another reward, which also has a lesser risk.

Love flows like flowers, and grows like water. I’m so thirsty for romance I could drink a dozen roses.

I speak Spanish like I chew spinach—like it’s dried bubble gum stuck underneath a park bench.

I spilled semen everywhere. No wonder the world is overpopulated.

It’s easier to win an argument over a dinner you’re paying for.

I want to lose weight by eating nothing but moon pies, which have significantly less gravity than earthier foods such as fruits and vegetables.

Lightning doesn’t thunder twice. Let that be a lesson in love.

Most people buy the highest quality television sets, only to watch the lowest quality television shows.

You could argue I’m a loser, but I’d win that debate thus proving you wrong by proving you wrong.

He’s a great guy. He’d give you the shirt off his back if you asked. In fact, I’m wearing his shirt now, and I’m staring at his nipples.

I have the heart of a lion, and the circulatory system of a lamb.

She told me she might not be there when I get back, and I got so angry I said something stupid. I told her I might not be there when I get back either.

Love is a roundness, like a hole—a black hole. If what she wants is space, I’ll give her space—enough to fill an auditorium that has ample seating for a lecture by Stephen Hawking.

Do I attribute my success to hard work, or sunscreen? If you want the truth, maybe you should ask my new albino secretary.

You want me to wear a condom?!

The darkness has ink eyes, and if you stare long enough, you’re going to see it blink black. That’s the moment to start writing.

I wish I could grow swords like I can roses. Wouldn’t war be so romantic then? Then the U.S. could really show the world how much it loves it.

I make love like a lump of cold oatmeal. I apologize if that mental image excites you and makes you hunger for me.

It’s 3:33 am as I’m writing this down on loose sheets of printer paper. I’m in the back office sitting behind the manager’s desk, just enjoying the good life. In essence, this job enables me...

Love now, not later. Also, love later.

If I were a number, I’d want to have sextillion with you.

My high-performance hair is shaped like a sports car, and when I chug coffee it sounds like a jet engine. Women don’t find me attractive, but only because women don’t find me (I’m living off...

Love is like a unicorn with a rainbow for a horn. What I mean is it’s rare, and you’re lucky if you see it once, or at the most twice, in a given week.

L and V, both angular. O and E, both vowels. Coupled together, like a couple of couples coupling and copulating, and you have love. All this talk of sex makes me nostalgic for the Rasputin...

I need my tropical square boots, and a fish that when it swims looks like my squiggly signature. Also, I could go for a cup of coffee.

I used to date the lead singer of The Cranberries, but she cheated on me. Turns out she had some turkey on the side.

I need to go to the store and pick up some condoms. But first I need to pick up some women.

I am fun, friendly, and I know how to use the third comma in a list of three distinct items or things. In my book that makes me a better lover, because I wrote it....

It’s not fun to pet cats when you’ve already poured gravy on them, and you’re holding silverware.

I’ll sit on a soda and drink a sofa. It’s just healthier. You should see how I make love. Show starts at 8:00. Tickets are ten bucks at the window.

We were getting a divorce. But not from each other. Then we were going to get married. But not to each other.

I have hair on my chest. And it’s purring.

To talk about love isn’t as good as to make about love. During sexual intercourse, I’m very approximate.

The easiest way to get a girl you like to like you back is to initially tell her you’re gay, and then later be all like, I think I’m in love with you—I think you...

To Do Today, 1/17/081. Sit and think2. Reach enlightenment3. Feed the cats

The two coolest names would be Stewart Stuart, and Stuart Stewart. For a woman, it would make normal sex feel like a threesome.

Never spontaneously combust alone, or without a bag of marshmallows nearby.

I’m putting the finishing touches on a cat. I love petting.

She gave me money to buy condoms, and instead I bought a book of baby names.

moo” into a glass of water, hoping to change the structure of each water molecule into the shape of a cow. I felt like drinking a steak.

Love is like walking while riding a bicycle. It’s pretty hard to do when you’re curled up like a cat, sleeping in a wheelchair.

Walk Like A Pine Tree Day occurs on Stand Still Day. Orafoura and I observe both—and we observe whatever else we may be standing next to.

Thank goodness women aren’t as superficial as men. Where would a guy like me be if all women cared about were looks? The plastic surgeon’s office, that’s where.

I smiled, and you winked. I think. Perhaps you merely blink with one eye at a time.

The three of us met to discuss dinner over sandwiches, and I decided I liked them. The sandwiches, not the people. I hated those fucking people.

My day starts like a regular guy’s. I wake up, drink raw eggs, run around Philadelphia, and punch raw slabs of meat. Wait, that’s not my story—that’s Rocky’s. I get us confused all the time.

Insider trading is a serious crime. Do you know what the penalty for doing it is? Nothing, if you’re a member of Congress.

Love is a peaceful feeling, like a flower hugging a butterfly.

I only had one drink. The problem was, my vodka glass could hold one gallon. I thought I was in love, but I was really intoxicated.

People don’t buy products—they buy people. It’s called slavery. I mean networking. It’s called networking.