It’s easier to win an argument over a dinner you’re paying for.

I want to lose weight by eating nothing but moon pies, which have significantly less gravity than earthier foods such as fruits and vegetables.

Love flows like flowers, and grows like water. I’m so thirsty for romance I could drink a dozen roses.

It’s not that the risk isn’t worth the reward, it’s that the reward isn’t worth as much as another reward, which also has a lesser risk.

I speak Spanish like I chew spinach—like it’s dried bubble gum stuck underneath a park bench.

You could argue I’m a loser, but I’d win that debate thus proving you wrong by proving you wrong.

Most people buy the highest quality television sets, only to watch the lowest quality television shows.

I have the heart of a lion, and the circulatory system of a lamb.

She told me she might not be there when I get back, and I got so angry I said something stupid. I told her I might not be there when I get back either.

Love is a roundness, like a hole—a black hole. If what she wants is space, I’ll give her space—enough to fill an auditorium that has ample seating for a lecture by Stephen Hawking.

Do I attribute my success to hard work, or sunscreen? If you want the truth, maybe you should ask my new albino secretary.

Yesterday is as ancient as a millennia ago, because both are forever out of reach.

A politician’s word is like a thick tree branch, and the people are all hanging on it. Well, I’ve got noose for you, politicians won’t keep their word, but they will keep you hanging.

I love letting her know how much she means to me. A love in secret is but a shadow that’s cold and lonely.

I stepped on a banana spider today. I didn’t crush it, but I did slip and fall. Then I got bit by one of the Three Stooges, possibly John McCain.

Are you happy here with me? Because if not, we can scoot over a few feet.

I’ll give you a treat to get in your cage. I’m rewarding you for punishing you. Who am I? If you guessed either dog catcher or politician you are correct.

Love is the gap between the blackness and the emptiness. Of course, there are also times when love isn’t so cheery and gets really dark and lonely.

If you strip away my flowery language, you’ll figure out I’m really talking about bees.

I had a dream about you. I was lonely and you were lonely, and you suggested that we could be lonely together. But I just scoffed because if we were lonely together, we wouldn’t be...

If I were to be elected World Leader someday, I’d wear an outfit made of Band-Aids, as a symbolic gesture of sticking together, healing, and the blood soon to be spilt.

I am honest and enthusiastic, except when I’m lying down.

Love, it’s overrated in my book. Really, in my book I gave it 11 out of 10 stars. But stars are like political votes. Who’s really counting?

Please, allow me a moment to put my penis back where it belongs. I should never have taken it out of its plastic wrapping before you’d finished opening all your other gifts.

What makes a good leader? I ask myself this every day, and then as I begin to list off characteristics I realize I’m describing myself. Am I the ideal leader? Let’s just say that if...

I had a dream about you. It was New Year’s Eve. I remember because we celebrated my birthday on March 5th. You gave me a gift, and we argued over whether it was late or...

My ambition is as deep as your pockets. I’m an aspiring politician.

Love is talking to one woman, but thinking about another woman. Now that’s commitment.

It’s only a problem until you ignore it. Come on, that’s Politics 101.

I want to be able to Foxtrot, without actually getting fur on my clothes.

The fact is, I’m being attacked by extraterrestrials. They’re invisible, and now, even as I write this, my anus is bleeding. Science turns into sexual harassment when the aliens probe my ass with dildos, cucumbers,...

I’ll tug at your breasts like a thirsty child. Try not to burn your nipples in my hot coffee. While you’re at it, I also like sugar in my coffee.

My friend, coworker, and neighbor didn’t have a way to get to work, so he asked me for a ride. I told him he should just not show up, stay home, and collect unemployment for...

I tried to knock my wife up, but she’d only let me ring the doorbell. And she made me dress up like the pizza delivery boy while I rang.

When I want to feel productive, I box up my stuff—and then unpack everything. With my work ethic, and my unethical nature, I think I’d make a perfect politician.

It’s hard to maintain dignity while wearing a coat made out of peacock feathers and pants made out of geriatric human flesh. Still, every other weekend, I have to try.

I needed to take her to a concert, or maybe invite her out to go stencil street art in the middle of the night. Except I hadn’t done that since middle school. And I’m not...

I’m a man of leisure. That’s because I have an English degree and can’t get a job.

I’m looking for a man— -There are several suspects in Topeka, Ks. that match that description. Why don’t you try there first?

My love does not entail a tail. But my cat’s does.

My cat stood still like a furry statue. I wanted to go pet it, but I ended up petting a painting instead. Ah, but that’s life, no?

I told her to wait for me. She asked how long. I told her eight inches.

In the lobby of every business incubator there needs to be a bathtub, to get the ideas flowing. But to make it funktional, it needs to be used as a fish tank.

I should be a coach, because when my players win, I win. But when my players lose, what a bunch of losers and hey, don’t blame me, because I wasn’t playing.

I had a dream about you. You were cooking me dinner, and I was standing by the stove questioning your every move. You found me ungrateful, and I found the number for Chinese takeout. I...

Love is a fur helmet in a new sport called Petting, where physical contact is the object of the game. Even when you lose, you win.

I had a dream about you. I asked you to dance, and you said you already had a partner. That was when I noticed you were embracing a mannequin, and I felt my face get...

If I were an armadillo, and a stranger came up and said I looked familiar, and they wanted to know why I looked so familiar, I’d respond in a raspy voice, “Your brother ran over...

A blanket could be used to stop gun violence. Make sleep, not war.

I had a dream about you. You’d never been in an elevator before, and I’d never been in love. I said I could help you, and you said you could help me. I got excited...