It’s easier to win an argument over a dinner you’re paying for.

I want to lose weight by eating nothing but moon pies, which have significantly less gravity than earthier foods such as fruits and vegetables.

Love flows like flowers, and grows like water. I’m so thirsty for romance I could drink a dozen roses.

She told me she might not be there when I get back, and I got so angry I said something stupid. I told her I might not be there when I get back either.

You could argue I’m a loser, but I’d win that debate thus proving you wrong by proving you wrong.

Love is a roundness, like a hole—a black hole. If what she wants is space, I’ll give her space—enough to fill an auditorium that has ample seating for a lecture by Stephen Hawking.

Do I attribute my success to hard work, or sunscreen? If you want the truth, maybe you should ask my new albino secretary.

This place reminds me of the time I had amnesia. I think. It also reminds me of being in love. That must mean I’m lost.

I feel like I could be the best, but I’m not going to openly admit that. At least not to any of my clones.

She’s young and beautiful, which is twice as good as old and ugly. Some people are both, and some people are both.

I ought to fire one of my two employees into the other one’s asshole.

I wanted to make her a greeting card, but as far as I got was folding the paper in half. I left it blank inside, so she’d know how much I love her. I never...

I am different, just like everyone else. And as such, I celebrate by being the same. The world won’t see a truly unique person until the first human clone arrives.

Dragons breathe fire, but what if fire breathed dragons? I make love like that—instead of it being hot, it’s cold and scaly.

Cats are geniuses, because they know that looking out windows is better than watching Reality TV.

I ran a few miles, Davis, and they were musical. Then I made love like the sound of a trumpet, as heard by Helen Keller.

I got a boob job on my butt, and be honest here, does this bra make my ass look fat?

I want to end global hunger by feeding half the world’s starving people to the other half.

If I could change any one thing about me, I’d change you.

I saw my reflection in a glass, but I did not drink of myself. I’m thirsty for her love, not my own backwash.

I’d like to file a missing person’s report—on my clone. It’s nearly 2012. He should have been here by now.

They just don’t make them like they used to.” Well, except for kids. People still make children the way they always have, though I am working on a product that’ll make the process 100% more...

Whenever I drink, I always have one too many. Of course, I only ever drink one.

Snow is not microwave friendly. In fact, snow is not too friendly at all, unless you first buy it a few beers. Then it’s just downright slutty.

Kevin Love has a last name that sums up my feelings for you. But then again, so does Renaldo Letsfucktonight.

I’d collaborate with my clones, because I’m a team player who wants all the credit.

I’m now solidly in my mid-thirties. I turned thirty, three days ago.

There’s a beautiful woman here for you who wants to have sex. -Tell her I’m married. Then tell her I’ll be there as soon as I can.

I think Shakespeare said it best, when he said whatever he said about whatever he was talking about.

I got my nails done today. I’m so glad that after 30 years, they’re finally finished.

Susan B. Anthony. Also, Susan be Anthony, now that she had a sex change.

Alcohol is the motorcycle of beverages. Liver fast, die young.

For the funeral I needed a plus one, so I rented a hooker. And then I rented a movie. Rest in peace Grandpa, or whoever you were.

2 out of 4 numbers prefer being in the bottom 50 percent. Half of all lovers also prefer being on the bottom.

I went to a gun range and shot a man made out of paper. That paper man must have had a brother, and I fear one day that paper man’s brother is going to shoot...

I’ll stand by you. And by stand I mean cower in your shadow. It’s probably cold there, so I’m going to knit myself a warm cat sweater to wear.

My hobby is boxing up all my stuff and then unpacking it and pretending I just moved and I’m getting a fresh start on life. And I make love like a professional boxer, only without...

He was thoughtless, not because he was insensitive, but because I had just eaten his brain and his skull was empty.

What is the greatest mystery of the universe? The answer is brick. Or is it blanket? I forget which one.

We made love like there was no tomorrow. Looking back, we should have made love like there was no yesterday.

Is it any wonder that war is senseless? It’s started by politicians. As a class, politicians have no class, and even less sense.

I got a zero. That’s like a perfect ten—it’s only one away from being flawless. Remember this next time you think you have nothing.

I always have safe sex. I lock the door.

It’s not really masturbating if you’re jacking your clone off. It’s more like politics.

Truth.” But they can’t be searching too hard, because very few of them ever think to look under my bed.

A sex trophy should be functional, and shaped like a dildo, yet decorative, and shaped like Ben Bernanke. Insert it in your ass as desired.

I ran over some dog poop on my drive home last night. But I didn’t feel bad, because I didn’t vote for that particular politician.

I think eulogies are wasted on the dead. It’s the living who need to hear kind words spoken about them.

A mafia don could snap his fingers and somebody would snap my neck. But when I snap my fingers, people start dancing. Or at least my clones would.

I only love her. I lonely love her.