It’s easier to win an argument over a dinner you’re paying for.

I want to lose weight by eating nothing but moon pies, which have significantly less gravity than earthier foods such as fruits and vegetables.

Lightning doesn’t thunder twice. Let that be a lesson in love.

It’s not that the risk isn’t worth the reward, it’s that the reward isn’t worth as much as another reward, which also has a lesser risk.

Love flows like flowers, and grows like water. I’m so thirsty for romance I could drink a dozen roses.

I speak Spanish like I chew spinach—like it’s dried bubble gum stuck underneath a park bench.

You could argue I’m a loser, but I’d win that debate thus proving you wrong by proving you wrong.

Most people buy the highest quality television sets, only to watch the lowest quality television shows.

He’s a great guy. He’d give you the shirt off his back if you asked. In fact, I’m wearing his shirt now, and I’m staring at his nipples.

I have the heart of a lion, and the circulatory system of a lamb.

She told me she might not be there when I get back, and I got so angry I said something stupid. I told her I might not be there when I get back either.

Love is a roundness, like a hole—a black hole. If what she wants is space, I’ll give her space—enough to fill an auditorium that has ample seating for a lecture by Stephen Hawking.

Do I attribute my success to hard work, or sunscreen? If you want the truth, maybe you should ask my new albino secretary.

She didn’t have the body of the supermodel. But that’s OK, because she didn’t have the face of one either.

Voting for the lesser of two evils is still voting for evil. Next time, go all out and write in Lucifer on the ballot.

Contribute to No More Lies Dot Org. Every dollar you donate will bring us 75 cents closer to the truth.

We made love like a flag draped over the coffin of a soldier. But that soldier, he fought for that flag’s enemy—he fought for the innocent people living under the shadow of that flag.

I’m like a walking maze. Follow me.

If you insist on digging for the truth, you can start at the cemetery. But not the one on the wealthy side of town, because I already dug up everything of value.

The outer bands of the tropical storm didn’t play as good of music as the inner bands near the eye did.

I’m very careful with political statements. When I bash the Republicans, I know I’ll piss off about half the people. That’s why I also bash the Democrats, so I can piss off the other half...

If I waste all my charity, all I’ll wind up with in the end is the wind. Still, I think I want to be the Dandelion of Love.

My wife loves window shopping. As for me, I’m more into curtains.

The political system, it’s a shame it’s a sham.

No matter how far or long you carry it, my love doesn’t weigh a lot. But if you aren’t carrying it with you, it will weigh heavy on your mind.

In bed, I could climb in, if you ever rest. Then I could mount you like Everest.

Some people work in the medical field, others in the legal field, while I work in the green field. Except in winter, and then I work in the brown field.

Make pizza, not war. No matter how you slice it, that’s wise.

If you replace the letter “s” with the letter “x,” you can make a lot of plural words naughty. For example, “fences” would become “fencex,” and I’d say good fencex makes good neighbors.

Danger is the most dangerous word, because it encompasses all the dangerous words like gun, killer, etc.

Just when you thought you’d considered all the angles, life goes from a square to a cube. Love should also be 3D.

I can’t sell sex for money, but what if I change sex’s name to food? Then can I sell it freely in the street?

When I burp I’m not just pushing polluted air into the world—no, I’m espousing my belief on the true nature of politicians.

Don’t show me how I messed up, because I don’t need to be shown. Clearly if I’ve messed up once, I can do it again without any coaching from you.

I would have sex in the backseat of my car, but from back there, how would I be able to hit the brakes? Or steer the vehicle?

Awesome is a substance I sell in times of peace. And despair. It’s slippery and smells like freedom, so do not attempt to apply it anally. That advice is mostly directed at politicians.

I know what it means to be alone, especially in a large group of clones.

My bed’s comforter is yellow. It has to be to hide all the melted butter stains. I make love like microwave popcorn—only in half the time!

You shit sheep shapes, and I shit wolves as brown as bark. It’s all politics.

I notice when you’re gone. Or do I? How can I observe something that isn’t there?

Life goal: Swim in a lake full of soup, and instead of bathing suits we’ll wear Ziploc bags while we make love like we’re feeding the homeless.

The best place to store your weapons safely is in your enemy’s hands. It is in your best interest to be defenseless while your rulers have all the weapons. After all, the government knows what’s...

There’s a 95% chance I’ll miss out on 5%.

We made love like two tree branches in winter. We were naked and motionless.

Our sex smelled like love—and monetary transaction. Whatever we had, it was politics at its most honest.

I rap. I also wrap. It’s a gift I have.

I love coffee like I love making love. It’s like liquid sex, except you don’t want to spill it all over your crotch.

I’d love to visit a zoo stocked with stuffed animals. Where would all the real animals be? Well, the real animals would be where they always are: in Congress.

I must have told her I loved her a thousand times. But none of that matters now that she has discovered that I told her best friend I loved her a thousand and one times.

I called security when I found out I’d lost my virginity, but after looking for it, they assured me nobody had turned it in. I’d better tell grandpa the bad news before he takes his...