It’s easier to win an argument over a dinner you’re paying for.

I want to lose weight by eating nothing but moon pies, which have significantly less gravity than earthier foods such as fruits and vegetables.

She told me she might not be there when I get back, and I got so angry I said something stupid. I told her I might not be there when I get back either.

You could argue I’m a loser, but I’d win that debate thus proving you wrong by proving you wrong.

Love is a roundness, like a hole—a black hole. If what she wants is space, I’ll give her space—enough to fill an auditorium that has ample seating for a lecture by Stephen Hawking.

Do I attribute my success to hard work, or sunscreen? If you want the truth, maybe you should ask my new albino secretary.

I’m so shy I make Bigfoot look like a socialite. Networking’s not a mystery to me—but I’m mythical to networking.

Let’s make love in the library—in the romance section.

I have pride in my name, because I have pride in myself. I do not represent my name—my name represents me.

Christ was the son, I am a magnifying glass, and you are an ant.

I had a dream about you. We were in a band. I was the lead singer, guitar player, saxophonist, harpist, violinist, bassist, cellist, harmonica player, pianist, and drummer. Oh, and I played the trumpet. And you, you had the important role—you played air guitar. I feel this dream accurately reflects me as an unselfish person,...

Renaldina told Renaldo and Renaldo told me, so that’s two points for possible miscommunication, especially when you consider that she’s deaf and he’s blind, so it went through two language variations and two incompatible methods of travel, like mule to submarine.

If silence is the admission of guilt, then she must be really guilty, because last night I asked her a question and instead of answering, she went to sleep for eight hours.

My body looks the same, but I gained 20 pounds. The difference is that right now I have an erection, and before I didn’t.

I told her I’d wait forever for her, but that was before I found somebody else who’d give me a ride home.

We both tried to speak at the same time, and ended up remaining silent the whole night. That’s when I realized we were in love.

J is the sexiest letter, followed closely by a,r,o,d, and then k,i,n,t,z.

To be a great writer, you must be nomadic. I’d recommend the hunter/gatherer lifestyle for anybody serious about being nonsensical.

As a balloon expands, so too does my love for you with each passing day. To know how I truly feel about you, look no further than the balloon giraffe.

Little Women,” what, is that about midgets? I freaking love midgets.

If it’s transparent, how do you know what shape it is?” Good question. Well, for one thing, I put it together, and for another, I’m currently wearing it like body armor (though to the casual observer, I appear naked).

I used to wrestle, and I had a perfect record. I never failed to fail.

I just bought a can of brown paint. It’s more expensive than coffee, but I really hit the wall after I chug it.

Love is the most amazing feeling in the world. Let me double check. Yep, love is a feeling.

I didn’t do a 180-degree turn on my thinking. I simply swiveled my chair around so I could dismiss the idea from the other side.

I type as fast as a ten-legged man who just had eight legs chopped off runs.

I water fake plants, because I’m growing a garden of fake mustaches. Lest no man (or woman) question my ability as a lover.

A brick could be used to make love better. Faster isn’t always better. Don’t you want to make love better?

Roasted Roadkill and Hitchhiker’s Surprise” (this recipe is a secret concoction handed down from my great grandfather to my grandfather, who told it to my dad just before he ran him over).

The ocean waves were choppy. Good thing I know karate and was able to fight back.

A blanket could be used as a makeshift trampoline, to attract midgets to your picnic. The great thing about dining with dwarves, is since they are little people, they eat very little.

Hemingway suggested you write the truest sentence you know. I say write the falsest one you don’t know. This is fiction.

Love will wreck your heart like a derailed train. So choo-choose your partner wisely.

A brick could be used like sandpaper, to smooth out a cat’s rough tongue.

My name is Yogurt Vonnegut, and I write with a spoon.

I’m running from the very person I’m chasing, and this is how I know I’m in love.

flat” characters, are all maps. It’ll be a story about boundaries.

The only thing I could love more than you is two of you. And I suppose three.

I like coffee tables. I’m into drinkable furniture.

Writers fish for the right words like fishermen fish for, um, whatever those aquatic creatures with fins and gills are called.

Bestseller doesn’t necessarily mean good writer. I think it takes 10,000 book sales to make the bestseller’s list, and at about 9 dollars a pop for my book, if I had an extra $90,000 dollars of disposable income, I’d be a bestseller tomorrow. But would I be a better writer? No, I’d be a poorer...

I have a bedroom rug that I feed. It’s not very flat, and it meows when I step on it.

Love allows us to remember the joy, and forget the pain. That’s why I write things down, to help me remember.

Cats have the curiosity of a genius, while dogs have the intellect of a sack of manure covered in hair and mulch made from bark (so loud). Actually, that assessment isn’t quite fair. Sacks of manure are smarter than dogs, and make better best friends (I should know, because I’ve lost three best friends to...

He told me he was getting married, and I told him I approved of his upcoming divorce.

I want to get the words “Courage” and “Bravery” tattooed across my back, so people could associate me with those things as they read them while they chase me.

My tears have such an aerodynamic shape that I drink them to help me run faster. I’m running away from relationships.

My workout partner is a cat. We nap together. He spots me a place, and keeps it warm, and then as soon as I spot him I go to him and cuddle.

The fire burnt down our House of Love. Our relationship didn’t work because I was the water, and she was the empty hose.

Love is meant to be felt, like a cat. I’m meowing for your affection.