I want to lose weight by eating nothing but moon pies, which have significantly less gravity than earthier foods such as fruits and vegetables.

It’s easier to win an argument over a dinner you’re paying for.

She told me she might not be there when I get back, and I got so angry I said something stupid. I told her I might not be there when I get back either.

Coffee has a way of waking me up like no alarm clock can. Not only do I sleepwalk, but I sleepdrink, and I often don’t wake up until 5:00 PM, when I leave work.

You could argue I’m a loser, but I’d win that debate thus proving you wrong by proving you wrong.

My I love you was a measured response, like one gallon of coffee in one cup of sugar. It was just overflowing with an awakening of my soul.

Love is a roundness, like a hole—a black hole. If what she wants is space, I’ll give her space—enough to fill an auditorium that has ample seating for a lecture by Stephen Hawking.

Do I attribute my success to hard work, or sunscreen? If you want the truth, maybe you should ask my new albino secretary.

Nope. But I do want to have a seat on a chair with wheels and roll along with you.” So maybe flight isn’t so cool after all. Possibly birds get pissed off they have to fly everywhere.

I’m an all-the-water-I-can-drink-in-a-flower-vase kind of lover. Roses and batteries sold separately.

I have a secret secret admirer. Not only is her identity a secret—but so is the fact that she admires me.

Which half do you want me to cut in half, Mr. Halfofhalf? The name’s Onequarter. Johnny Onequarter. And don’t you forget it.

To save space and money, Thor and my mom work in the same office, which is basically like a converted closet, only smaller. In keeping with the frugal and Puritanical mindset, they even share the same chair. It’s a wooden chair with its back cut off and a pillow on top for padding, and Thor...

Dialogue between two characters, each of them different forms of karate, might be a bit choppy.

Water always flows downhill. So does my love. Are you prepared for a flood? You’d better build an ark.

I ejaculate confidence. My self-esteem might impregnate you.

It’s not if, but when I’ll if on you that matters. How does Tuesday at noon sound?

I’ll be waiting in my trunk, with the engine of your car.

I’m not interested in you as a person. I am, however, interested in you as a banana.

I wash my hair with strawberry jelly, because my favorite thing to eat for breakfast is lunch. It’s never too late to love someone, but sometimes it is too early.

I’m covered in fish hair! I have a dwarf shaped like a suitcase that I carry everywhere. Women tell me I love too deeply. Wrong! I love too widely.

I want to conserve energy expenditure by reducing our air intake. Save lives by saving your I love yous and holding your breath for the duration of your relationship.

I’d much rather watch football than football.” But I’m just teasing them, and they know I’d really rather watch football than football.

I don’t know what the old you was like, but the new you, the older you than the old you, is new and fresh.

When I was two, a year was half of my life. It must have felt like forever. But when I’m 99, a year will whiz by. Life will go fast, even if I probably go very, very slow.

I’m 32 years old and I’m tired. It’s because I haven’t drank enough coffee. If I had, I’d probably only be 29.

Quick! Hide under my 3:33 am, but don’t pet my 3:33 pm.

Scoop out my soul with a spoon like it’s a cantaloupe, and I’ll tell you that love is breakfast. And I’d love to make breakfast to Agatha one more time.

Do you know how much laughter is in a single bag of chips? Enough to feed a seriously starved midget for a week. Now with 33.3% reduced fat!

Nine out of ten Jarod Kintzes agree that there is only one Jarod Kintz.

At my last birthday party I had fun and really let myself go. Literally. I opened the cages where I keep my clones and I let myself go, all 333 versions of myself.

Apple juice looks so much like urine that the only way to tell them apart is to remember that I keep my pee in the fridge, and the apple juice in the toilet. Help yourself to something to drink. Just flush if you want a refill.

I am not into nudity on camera, but I would love to wear a banana peel over my penis and eat cat food from a little saucer while you snap off a few pictures of me.

Do they make chin straps with knives attached? If they do, I need one. You can never have too much safety—especially when falling in love today requires wearing a helmet.

A brick could be used to keep your sandwich pressed down, so your meat doesn’t spill out.

A brick is a fraction of a building, and a brick is like a building—if you’re like an ant.

I’m the kind of guy who turns my fan on in winter, only to then go and add another blanket on top of my bed. I practice inefficiency even while I sleep, so I’ll be prepared to one day be a politician.

A brick could be used as a cock block.

A brick could be used as a trophy, and when you get yours, believe me, you’ll have earned it.

A brick could be renamed something clever and cute, like President, and repackaged and resold to a solid base of sheep consumers every four years. The sheeple will never even notice that every new model of brick is exactly like the last brick!

A brick could be used as a pillow, if you first wrap it with a blanket. But if you’re shivering from being cold, don’t worry—I’ll cover you with my naked body.

A brick could be used to send Satan back from whence he came. But where did he come from? Probably Washington DC.

Four bricks could be affixed under a skateboard and used as really inefficient wheels. Ha! Let’s see Tony Hawk do tricks on that board. Actually, he probably could.

A brick could be licked, like a cat’s asshole. But obviously inversed, because your tongue is soft and the brick is rough.

Yeah” while the guy peeing next to you is talking, try a more positive affirmation, like pinching his butt cheek.

A brick could be used to make music. But why not use something more humane, like your armpit.

A brick could be used to enhance your sex life. So what are you waiting for? Get that gerbil out of your pants

Will you sleep with me?” I expect you to run to the bedroom, get naked, and get under the blanket. Whatever you do, do not reach for the brick.

Bricks could be used to pad the pockets of crooked politicians. Why stuff their greedy pockets with cash, when we could load them up with bricks and find out how good of swimmers they are?

Do either a brick or a blanket have Buddha nature? The answer is yes and no and maybe, in a Triangle of Truth where there is no is, and there is no isn’t.