Each morning when I open my eyes I say to myself: I, not events, have the power to make me happy or unhappy today.

I find television very educating. Every time somebody turns on the set, I go into the other room and read a book.

While money can’t buy happiness, it certainly lets you choose your own form of misery.

If a black cat crosses your path, it signifies that the animal is going somewhere.

Most young women do not welcome promiscuous advances. (Either that, or my luck’s terrible.)

Some people claim that marriage interferes with romance. There’s no doubt about it. Anytime you have a romance, your wife is bound to interfere.

When you’re in jail, a good friend will be trying to bail you out. A best friend will be in the cell next to you saying, ‘Damn, that was fun’.

Getting older is no problem. You just have to live long enough.

I was married by a judge. I should have asked for a jury.

Clear? Huh! Why a four-year-old child could understand this report! Run out and find me a four-year-old child, I can’t make head or tail of it.

Anyone who says he can see through women is missing a lot.

From the moment I picked up your book until I put it down, I was convulsed with laughter. Some day I intend reading it.

A year ago I came here without a nickle in my pocket, now, I’ve got a nickle in my pocket.

Just give me a comfortable couch, a dog, a good book, and a woman. Then if you can get the dog to go somewhere and read the book, I might have a little fun.

He may look like an idiot and talk like an idiot but don’t let that fool you. He really is an idiot.

A child of five could understand this. Send someone to fetch a child of five.

I never forget a face, but in your case I’ll be glad to make an exception.

Practically everybody in New York has half a mind to write a book -and does

Next time I see you, remind me not to talk to you.

I’ve got a good mind to go out and join a club and beat you over the head with it.

A hospital bed is a parked taxi with the meter running.

Humor is reason gone mad.

I have nothing but respect for you — and not much of that.

Room service? Send up a larger room.”[A Night at the Opera]

Paying alimony is like feeding hay to a dead horse.

The secret of life is honesty and fair dealing. If you can fake that, you’ve got it made.

Why, look at me. I’ve worked my way up from nothing to a state of extreme poverty.

Before I speak, I have something important to say.

Military intelligence is a contradiction in terms.

I sent the club a wire stating, PLEASE ACCEPT MY RESIGNATION. I DON’T WANT TO BELONG TO ANY CLUB THAT WILL ACCEPT ME AS A MEMBER.

Learn from the mistakes of others. You can never live long enough to make them all yourself.

The problem with doing nothing is that you never know when you’re finished.

Only one man in a thousand is a leader of men — the other 999 follow women.

Those are my principles, and if you don’t like them…well I have others.

All geniuses die young.

We’ll meet at the theater tonight. I’ll hold your seat ’til you get there. Once you get there; you’re on your own.

Politics is the art of looking for trouble, finding it everywhere, diagnosing it incorrectly and applying the wrong remedies.

One morning I shot an elephant in my pajamas. How he got in my pajamas I’ll never know.

The only real laughter comes from despair.

It isn’t necessary to have relatives in Kansas City in order to be unhappy.

Trovo la televisione molto educativa. Ogni volta che qualcuno la accende, vado in biblioteca e leggo un buon libro.

Well, art is art, isn’t it? Still, on the other hand, water is water! And east is east and west is west and if you take cranberries and stew them like applesauce they taste much...

Hollywood brides keep the bouquets and throw away the grooms.

I, not events, have the power to make me happy or unhappy today. I can choose which it shall be. Yesterday is dead, tomorrow hasn’t arrived yet. I have just one day, today, and I’m...

Outside of a dog, a book is man’s best friend. Inside of a dog it’s too dark to read.

I think women are sexy when they got some clothes on. And if later they take them off then you’ve triumphed. Somebody once said it’s what you dont see you’re interested in, and this is...

Life is a whim of several billion cells to be you for a while

I don’t have a photograph, but you can have my footprints. They’re upstairs in my socks.