Only one man in a thousand is a leader of men — the other 999 follow women.
Paying alimony is like feeding hay to a dead horse.
A hospital bed is a parked taxi with the meter running.
A child of five could understand this. Send someone to fetch a child of five.
Room service? Send up a larger room.”[A Night at the Opera]
The secret of life is honesty and fair dealing. If you can fake that, you’ve got it made.
Outside of a dog, a book is man’s best friend. Inside of a dog it’s too dark to read.
While money can’t buy happiness, it certainly lets you choose your own form of misery.
Military intelligence is a contradiction in terms.
It isn’t necessary to have relatives in Kansas City in order to be unhappy.
The problem with doing nothing is that you never know when you’re finished.
Next time I see you, remind me not to talk to you.
I was married by a judge. I should have asked for a jury.
Life is a whim of several billion cells to be you for a while
I never forget a face, but in your case I’ll be glad to make an exception.
Well, art is art, isn’t it? Still, on the other hand, water is water! And east is east and west is west and if you take cranberries and stew them like applesauce they taste much more like prunes than rhubarb does. Now, uh… now you tell me what you know.
One morning I shot an elephant in my pajamas. How he got in my pajamas I’ll never know.
Those are my principles, and if you don’t like them…well I have others.
I don’t have a photograph, but you can have my footprints. They’re upstairs in my socks.
I’ve got a good mind to go out and join a club and beat you over the head with it.
Hollywood brides keep the bouquets and throw away the grooms.
I have nothing but respect for you — and not much of that.
Getting older is no problem. You just have to live long enough.
Anyone who says he can see through women is missing a lot.
Before I speak, I have something important to say.
Most young women do not welcome promiscuous advances. (Either that, or my luck’s terrible.)
Why, look at me. I’ve worked my way up from nothing to a state of extreme poverty.
Practically everybody in New York has half a mind to write a book -and does
If a black cat crosses your path, it signifies that the animal is going somewhere.