The party was dry, she was wet, and the sky was in the middle (cloudy, but no rain). Love was in the air, and that’s why I brought an umbrella.

No matter how much water a sink takes on, it never lives up to its name. The Titanic would never have sunk if it were made out of a sink.

I want to see the king,” I said, after explaining who I was.”Wonderful,” said the ancient Nkumai who sat on a cushion near the corner pole of the house. “I’m glad for you.”That was all,...

I love being in love, but I also love other things, like not being jealous, overly sensitive, or needy.

Love is a lot like bowling, I thought as I drove by a boarded up and abandoned bowling alley. Like the economy, I’ve made a full recovery since we broke up.

Kitty need’s a tounge bath

Beware Stephen! There will probably be a magical combat of some sort. I daresay I shall have to take on different forms – cockatrice, raw head and bloody bones, rains of fire, etc., etc. You...

The best way to get America back to work, and reduce our deficit, is hire all the photographers in the country, position them on street corners, and have them take pictures of all the license...

Put your middle finger and your thumb together. And make it snappy.

International awareness of his deceptive practices is the reflection of the frustration that is prevailing in Sri Lanka which the President is trying to undermine by the traditional emotive and hate mongering politics.

But giving drugs to a cat is no joke, Kemp!

I was the kid next door’s imaginary friend.

Harry,” Bob drawled, his eye lights flickering smugly, “what you know about women, I could juggle.

You think the nurse stole it? She looked shady.

My favorite flower is the tulip. I’m crazy like Holland about them. I’ll even pay as much as $1,637 for one.

I respect my elders, but I don’t respect the Myelders, who are my neighbors, because they are so neglectful of their lawn that it’s like they don’t even exist.

Whoa, don’t assume, dude,” Marco said. “My mom always said, when you assume you make an ass of u and me–

The stalker, meanwhile, stepped into the road. Didn’t even check for traffic. There wasn’t any, but something told me this was lucky for traffic rather than the stalker.

I have a meeting with McConnell and Baroja tomorrow at ten A.M. to review some procedures,” he said. Now, that was the J.B. I knew. Never mind the demon attack; procedures needed reviewing.

Next to her, I felt like Carrot Top in drag.Cat re: Annette

JAQUES: Rosalind is your love’s name?ORLANDO: Yes, just.JAQUES: I do not like her name.ORLANDO: There was no thought of pleasing you when she was christened.

A lake is not an ocean. But my love for you is. And it’s drying up as we speak—or, rather, as we don’t speak.

I have good news and I have bad news. The good news is that your house hasn’t burned down, you don’t have cancer, and your daughter hasn’t been raped or murdered. The bad news is...

To alcohol! The cause of… and solution to… all of life’s problems

Nobody’s ever asked me to a party before, as a friend. Is that why you dyed your eyebrow, for the party? Should I do mine too?

If zombies eat brains, then they’d love me, because who doesn’t like a buffet?

You can’t wish for more wishes or for vague generalities like happiness that are impossible to grant. Your wish has to be something specific enough that I can use my wand to make it happen....

Laughter is the only medicine, without side effects.

Speaking of grandmas, have you heard the joke about grandparents and WWII? No? Well, if you do, be sure to tell me because I’d like to hear it too.

If you tell me I look like someone you know, I might get panicked and think you’re on to me. I thought nobody saw me abduct that guy and steal his identity.

So, what you’re basically telling me is death is boring but no worse than hanging out with family.

When we come face-to-face with one down a dark alley, we’re going to be having a shufti to see if it’s solid, aren’t we, we’re not going to be asking, ‘Excuse me, are you the...

Tell me you love me like you mean it, and tell me while your mouth is full of food.

If you are a student you should always get a good nights sleep unless you have come to the good part of your book, and then you should stay up all night and let your...

Only show compassion and empathy to those you can trust.” If we did that, we would be burying homeless people every day.

When you’re here, I’m there for you. And when you’re there, I’m here for you.

I love you” is because those three words represent 10% of the average man’s vocabulary.

Art is anything you can get away with.

No sight so sad as that of a naughty child,” he began, “especially a naughty little girl. Do you know where the wicked go after death?””They go to hell,” was my ready and orthodox answer.”And...

Love, like hefty leftover stew, could be eaten with a spoon—or with some homeless guy I just met. I would offer you some, but we haven’t met yet. And whose fault is that? Oh yeah—yours.

Neither were you [born yesterday], unless of course I am wrong, in which case welcome to the world, little baby, and congratulations on learning to read so early in life.

It’s in a can. It’s good forever.

Humor is the whole truth.

Asking me if I’m in love is like asking a mortician if now is the best time to die.

A VIP area is nothing without not-so-important people.

During our first date,I wanted to hold your hand so badI almost cut mine offand threw it at youto see if you would catch it

Falling in love is painful on the knees.

This may be impossible for you to believe,” Colt said in a hushed voice, “but as recently as last year, I was a hyper, naive-albeit extremely good-looking-minor myself.””And now you’re a persistent, outdoorsy, unshaven man-boy...

If one door closes and another door opens, chances are your house is haunted.

A new poll found that 84% of American people were disgusted by Congress, and my only thought is, Are 16% of Americans insane? If they’re not disgusted, they should eat a bowl of vomit soup....