We spend the first 12 months of our children’s lives teaching them to walk and talk and the next 12 months teaching them to sit down and shut up.

I found this, though,” Gazzy said excitedly, holding up a small green box. “Gas-X! Like, ‘X’ for explosion! This is great! I’m thinking I rig this with a detonator and-“”Did you find that in the...

If you’re going to hold a grudge, at least put on an oven mitt before you pick it up.

I love that there’s no cutoff where we get labeled and sent off to a home for hopeless, cranky, depressives. Every day is a new chance to listen longer and be braver and love more....

That’s rich, coming from you, Hellcat, I would’ve thought it was impossible for a Vampire to get grey hairs until I met you! (Alexander)

I am a jealous husband wife, and I feel your pain. All of it, for all of you.

Anyone can spin a victory, it’s a total loss that demands creativity

There’s no winning arguments with your parents, so why get all pumped up over them? It is way better to dive down and get out of the way than it is to get clobbered by...

A blanket could be used to warn your enemy that you are coming—and that you are warm. Where’s the cold war when you need it?

Coffee, it’s not my cup of tea. Being in love isn’t really my cup of tea either, but when it’s steamy I’ll sip it dutifully.

You are a placebo responder. Your body plays tricks on your mind. You cannot be trusted.

Every great summer song was recorded the previous winter.

Confession was the emotional equivalent to puking, Riley supposed. Something bad went down, bits of it came back up, you felt better.

The moment was surreal. A sometimes-autistic young man with two identities lecturing a room full of zombies on feelings and realities.

We will meet; and there we may rehearse mostobscenely and courageously.Shakespeare, Midsummer Night’s Dream. Spoken by Bottom, Act I Sc. 2

So, have a little fun. Soon enough you’ll be dead and burning in Hell with the rest of your family.

Should I go up one flight of stairs and then come back down, or should I go down one flight of stairs and then come back up? Same destination, same distance, same amount of work,...

Vamos a decirlo ya, chicas, todos los tios, cuando nos encontramos con una ex, pensamos en acostarnos con ella. Cuando te gusta una chica tienes que invitarla a salir, contarle mentiras de tu vida… aguantar...

Energy equals staff times the speed of life scared.

And forced me to kill my own brother.

Only the good die young, the bad petite-mort

Many a good hanging prevents a bad marriage.

There are women named Faith, Hope, Joy, and Prudence. Why not Despair, Guilt, Rage, and Grief? It seems only right. ‘Tom, I’d like you to meet the girl of my dreams, Tragedy.’ These days, Trajedi.

Chairs have legs. Four of them, like my father. Meow.

What goes up must come down, unless a dragon eats it.

Please don’t die.

Very easily, Lady Difficult. I find myself quitecharming.

It’s me,” a deep voice rumbled.The hands released me and I turned. There stood Derek, all six foot of him. Maybe it was just the thrill of seeing him, but he looked better than I...

The wall of silence that exists between us is as long as the Great Wall of China. And though it’s the same length, our wall is about two bricks quieter.

You know you’ve drunk too much when you run out of booze. It’s the same with love. Also, I’m drunk.

No soy pesimista. Soy un optimista bien informado.

Motivational Secret of the Week. When the dancing starts, don’t worry about what others will think of you, just get up and leave.

I put my heart in a paper cup, so she’d be more likely to drink it up.

I’d seriously contemplated a real collar – a sparkly green one – if only because I was sure it would offend his dignity.

The art of medicine consists of keeping the patient in a good mood while nature does the healing.

Blankets could be used to stop exponential population growth. If we kept the people warm, maybe they wouldn’t try to heat themselves up through continual fornication.

I’m not a ref, but I assigned her the penalty of clipping, and I told her to drop the scissors and step away from the newspaper ads.

The best thing to learn from any government is that it does not get affacted by what other people talk or think about it.

In fact, now you mention the subject, I have been very bad in my own small way.I don’t think you should be so proud of that, though I am sure it must have been very...

I sell Jarod-shaped earplugs that just may plug up the hole in your heart. My earplugs are modeled after a nude Helen Keller.

When I am alone, my table manners are rather piggish, but i suppose that’s because I don’t eat at a table, I eat at my desk. Which could be considered a table, except we tend...

We could visit him,” suggests Will. “But what would we say? ‘I didn’t know you that well, but I’m sorry you got stabbed in the eye’?

I went through the usual stages: imp, rascal, scalawag, whippersnapper. And, of course, after that it’s just a small step to full-blown sociopath.

Pete Rose’s last name is so sweet, he can’t be a cheater. But a cheat by any other name would smell just as sweet.

You can safely assume you’ve created God in your own image when it turns out that God hates all the same people you do.

From Olsen’s Nation: “Through the power of our diplomacy, a world that was once divided about how to deal with Iran’s nuclear program now stands as one. Standing as one, the world now sincerely regrets...

He gives her his Art History lecture.‘Then you get Mo-net and Ma-net, that’s a little tricky, Mo-net was the one did all the water lilies and shit, his colors were blues and greens, Ma-net was...

Writer’s block is only a failure of the ego.

This book was written using 100% recycled words.

If this had been a public-school locker room, there would have been some gray jumbo-sized garbage cans nearby, and I probably could’ve taken care of cleanup by myself. But apparently the girls of St. Andrew’s...