I was in Nashville, Tennessee last year. After the show I went to a Waffle House. I’m not proud of it, I was hungry. And I’m alone, I’m eating and I’m reading a book, right?...

It’s great to be here. I thank you. Ah, I’ve been on the road doing comedy for ten years now, so bear with me while I plaster on a fake smile and plough through this...

One of my big fears in life is that I’m gonna die and my parents are going to come to clean out my apartment and find that porno wing I’ve been adding on to for...

We are trying to revitalize things here. We want to make Calvert home to the three A’s – authors, artists and antiques.

I can speak for every guy in this room here tonight. Guys, if you could blow yourselves, ladies, you’d be in this room alone right now. Watching an empty stage.

They also have a sense of irony, which America doesn’t have seeing as it’s being run by fundamentalists who take things literally.

We all pay for life with death, so everything in between should be free.

Supreme Court says pornography is anything without artistic merit that causes sexual thoughts; that’s their definition, essentially. No artistic merit, causes sexual thoughts. Hmm. . . . Sounds like . . . every commercial on...

It can stay in the body for a couple of days and the pill itself can operate for nine days, … But generally, in the case of football players, the food’s going to push through...

You ever noticed how people who believe in Creationism look really un-evolved? You ever noticed that? Eyes real close together, eyebrow ridges, big furry hands and feet. “I believe God created me in one day”....

I’m not a girl, I’m a guy you know? But at the same time, I tell ya how you can solve this abortion issue right now. Ready? Those unwanted babies that single moms leave in...

I never got along with my dad. Kids used to come up to me and say, “My dad can beat up your dad.” I’d say, “Yeah? When?”

You know we armed Iraq. I wondered about that too, you know during the Persian Gulf war those intelligence reports would come out: “Iraq: incredible weapons – incredible weapons.” How do you know that? “Uh,...

Does anyone here work in advertising or marketing? Well if you do, when you get home take a gun shoot yourself. No bullshit, I’m not joking just do it. I’m just sowing seeds, one day...

Ultimately, it is in fun. It is supposed to be highly entertaining.

I believe that there is an equality to all humanity. We all suck.

You know all that money we spend on the military ever year — trillions of dollars? Instead, if we use this money to feed and clothe the poor of this world, which it would do...

People laugh at the Stones because of their age. Mick, Charlie, Ron and Keith can still play with the best of the young bands today.

They Want You To Be A Docile Apathetic Consumer

Children are smarter than any of us. Know how I know that? I don’t know one child with a full time job and children.

I don’t do drugs anymore… than say, the average touring funk band.

God help me. I’m so tired. I need my sleep. I make no bones about it. I need eight hours a day, and at least ten at night. . . .

I’m not really a heavy smoker any more. I only get through two lighters a day now.

Childbirth is no more a miracle then eating food and a turd coming out of your ass.

Go back to bed, America. Your government has figured out how it all transpired. Go back to bed, America. Your government is in control again. Here. Here’s American Gladiators. Watch this, shut up. Go back...

I have something to tell you non-smokers that I know for a fact that you don’t know, and I feel it’s my duty to pass on information at all times. Ready?. . . . Non-smokers...

They can’t easily say what they want to say in case they’re deemed unpatriotic. It’s all part of a fear-based hypnosis, so I was worried about how they’d take the track, but I played it...

Watching television is like taking black spray paint to your third eye.

It’s always funny until someone gets hurt. Then it’s just hilarious.

People ask me what I think about that woman priest thing. What, a woman priest? Women priests. Great, great. Now there’s priests of both sexes I don’t listen to.

Childbirth is a miracle. No, it’s not. . . . It’s a chemical reaction, that’s all.

My voice was not heard, the questions were not asked that I wanted to see asked.

If the FBI’s motivating factor for busting down the Koresh compound was child abuse, how come we never see Bradley tanks smashing into Catholic churches?

Folks, it’s time to evolve. That’s why we’re troubled. You know why our institutions are failing us, the church, the state, everything’s failing? It’s because, um – they’re no longer relevant. We’re supposed to keep...

The musicians today who don’t do drugs and in fact speak out against it? “Rock Against Drugs?” BOY do they suck.

Certainly over the past year and earlier, the amount of money that was supposed to be in the respective funds was, in fact, not there.

Let me tell you about gays in the military. I don’t want any gay people hanging around me while I’m killing kids. I just don’t want to see it.

No, I don’t do drugs anymore, either. But I’ll tell you something about drugs. I used to do drugs, but I’ll tell you something honestly about drugs, honestly, and I know it’s not a very...

Women priests. Great, great. Now there’s priests of both sexes I don’t listen to.

How about a positive LSD story? Wouldn’t that be news-worthy, just the once? To base your decision on information rather than scare tactics and superstition and lies? I think it would be news-worthy.

Nazis are for the New Age concern

The world is like a ride in an amusement park. And when you choose to go on it you think it’s real because that’s how powerful our minds are. And the ride goes up and...

People often ask me where I stand politically. It’s not that I disagree with Bush’s economic policy or his foreign policy, it’s that I believe he was a child of Satan sent here to destroy...

I don’t mean to sound bitter, cold, or cruel, but I am, so that’s how it comes out.

I thought our guys were flat, but (CDS) is a good team, definitely a talented team. I think the lesson from this is our boys need to show up in a highly aggressive, competitive state...

I just have one of those faces. People come up to me and say, ‘What’s wrong?’ Nothing. ‘Well, it takes more energy to frown than it does to smile.’ Yeah, you know it takes more...

Your denial is beneath you, and thanks to the use of hallucinogenic drugs, I see through you.

And if I can take part in it by transforming my own consciousness, then someone else’s, I’m happy to do it.

We are trying to revitalize things here, … We want to make Calvert home to the three A’s – authors, artists and antiques.

I’ve learned a lot about women. I think I’ve learned exactly how the fall of man occured in the Garden of Eden. Adam and Eve were in the Garden of Eden, and Adam said one...