Claire was going to hate me. Our son was sucked into the pits of hell while I was watching General Hospital. God damn you Brenda and Sonny for making me lose focus.

the birds and the bees”. How does that properly teach a kid about sex? You never see a pigeon railing adove or a honey bee sticking it to a bumble bee.

Oh fuck, he was right there. I was wet as hell and he could probably smell me now. I should have eaten strawberries or melon or a dozen roses or an entire mint plant. Did...

I love my best friends, but sometimes, I want to punch them in the face. Lovingly, of course.

If you two yentas are finished discussing Claire’s rabid who-ha, me and the boys would like to eat sometime this century.””You and ‘the boys?’ You just met them today. Does the Ya Ya Brotherhood already...

It’s mind-blowing and delicious and betterthan finding a pot of gold, a unicorn, and a leprechaun who shits diamonds atthe end of a rainbow.

Are you really going back there with me?” I ask.”Hell yes I am. Your wish is finally coming true. I will see your vagina. Plus, I really want to see the look on that woman’s...

Sure you can date my daughter. In a completely unrelated topic,have you seen my shotgun?

It’s easy to forgive someone for the hurt they’ve caused you. Forgetting is impossible.

You hate birthdays yet pee your pants over presents. There is clearly something wrong with you,” Garrett joked.

It was all fun and games until someone else’s dick was in your girlfriend’s TMJ mouth

I’m not sure on the protocol over here, though, is it customary to celebrate bastards?” Garrett’s comment hit the mark just like he knew it would. The smile was wiped from Milo’s face, and he...

I’m sorry, but why does Claire know how to take a punch? I’m not sure I like where this is going,” Carter said nervously. “Well, last year Jim made us watch Fight Club for like,...