The life I’ve livedWhat more can one ask forApart from a grand exitSlit of the wristTotal bliss

You might as well laugh at yourself,everyone else is.

I can be quite sarcastic when I’m in the mood.

Go on the roller coaster they tell me. It’ll be fun they tell me. -Max Montgomery

I wish there was some method to transform all the agony in my imprudent heart to an energy source. It would have lit up the world till eternity!!!

Phones with numerical keypads worked best for dialing phone calls. Incidentally, phone calls tend to be the primary function of a phone. ‘Smartphones’ completely ignore these basic facts, resulting in some of the least intelligent...

You’re playing hookey for her? You met her, what, five minutes ago? And now she’s what? Your girlfriend? Did you give her your varsity jacket?

He’d been given an assignment to write about teen beauty pageants […], which he’d accepted because he enjoyed blood sports as much as the next person.

Thank you so much for the rude know-it-all attitude while also having to look at your ridiculously colored hair and obnoxious facial and chest piercings. I am very fortunate to have just been schooled by...

Blows are sarcasm’s turned stupid.

There’s nothing like a headless corpse to bring a touch of excitement into one’s life.

I am told that removing the head from the body is often mortal.

A woman needs a man like a fish needs a bicycle.

We are literally in the heart of Jesus,” he said.”I thought we were in a church basement, but we are literally in the heart of Jesus.””Someone should tell Jesus,” I said. “I mean, it’s gotta...

You’re Professor Mills? The new one who teaches history?”As opposed to the old Professor Mills who preached overthrow of the government?

Min aska kommer sprida värme.

Whatever crimes this man had committed, they weren’t as egregious as his inflated self-image.

Who the hell calls at two in the morning?””Maybe it’s Matt Wilde, confessing his love,” Lindsay says.”Very funny,

Nobody liked my plan.”You want us to split up?” Chase asked, his brow wrinkling in obvious bewilderment.Lake echoed the sentiment, her voice flat. “Why would we split up? There’s four of us and one of...

how romantic.

Oh, and I suppose the apples ate the cheese.

I try to smile at her, but I can’t extend my flexibility training to my mouth, it just won’t move.

I turned to Dionysus. “You cured him?””Madness is my specialty. It was quite simple.””But…you did something nice. Why?”He raised and eyebrow. “I am nice! I simple ooze niceness, Perry Johansson. Haven’t you noticed?

I’m financially ugly.

I forgot my purse of laughter when I dressed this mornin’,” she told me. “Have you not bought anythin’ the last few days? Prices have gone up. Pay or starve, it’s all one to me.

I think my reputation will look after itself,” Holmes said. “If they hang me, Watson, I shall leave it to you to persuade your readers that the whole thing was a misunderstanding.

Playful, positive sarcasm is different from negative mean sarcasm, and many people don’t know the difference.

At this time of year it’s easy to forget the true meaning of Christianity – the lies, the corruption, the abuse.

Yes. Reyn is our resident horse master. He has an excellent seat.”I grinned. “I’ve noticed.”Reyn’s face tightened and Nell flushed, looking embarrassed. “It’s an equestrian term.””Really? I thought you were talking about his ass.

Oh I’d be more than happy to hold, I’ll just spend the time working on that brain tumor.

Sarcasm is one of the many services I offer to people who ask stupid questions!

Wow,” she said. “It’s like you’re teaching me something and being all wise.””You are not easy to get along with,” Skulduggery said.

The over-weight and out of shape guy who owned the house had apparently decided that having a half-million dollar house meant that he couldn’t afford to hire someone to clean out his gutters. Now he...

Awww,” Minho said. “That’s almost as sweet as that time she slammed the end of a spear into your shuck face.

Oh, that’s great. That way, when things have quieted down, and we come up for air, or money, or re-supply, we’ll get a nice explosive package from him that says “so nice to see you...

You can give me detention. Oh, wait, that’s right…you aren’t the boss of me. So I guess you can just bite me. -Dean

It’s not hard to fail…it’s hard to accept you failed…but once that’s out of the way, it’s pretty smooth sailing

I’ve heard that sarcasm is no substitute for cleverness

Twenty-three stories up and all I could see out the windows was grey smog. They could call it the City of the Angels if they wanted to, but if there were angels out there, they...

Stercus Accidit.[barren happens]

If walls could talk – scratch that, if walls could make sarcastic comments… well, things would be interesting.

I take my babies rare, and my virgins over easy.

The building is a tumbling house of cards behind me. The bus bitches are paper cutouts.

Don’t waste yer’ breath kid. Explainin’ anything to that one? It’s like tryin’ ta’ slap the dumb off a retard… -George Foster

The Death Mist is not for helping!” Akhlys shrieked. “It shrouds mortals in misery as their souls pass into the Underworld. It is the very breath of Tartarus, of death, of despair!””Awesome,” Percy said. “Could...

I’m so honest, that in order to compliment you, I’d improve you first.

One day I’ll work out what it is you are saying, my lad, and then you’ll be in trouble.

I bet she thought she was getting into a fight with a vanilla wafer on roller skates but little did she know she was getting into a fight with a spider sandwich.

Malachi scowled. “I don’t remember the Clave inviting you into the Glass City, Magnus Bane.””They didn’t,” Magnus said. “Your wards are down.””Really?” the Consul’s voice dripped sarcasm. “I hadn’t noticed.”Magnus looked concerned. “That’s terrible. Someone...

What’s next? You want to convince me they’re making another crap Last Airbender movie?