You might as well laugh at yourself,everyone else is.

I can be quite sarcastic when I’m in the mood.

No, Pipes. It could be a random group of giant eagles flying in perfect formation. Of course they’re Roman!

You’re just Little Miss Optimist, aren’t you? Do you come with accessories, like a glass half full and lemons to make into lemonade, too?

Listen, Peaches, trickery is what humans are all about,” said the voice of Maurice. “They’re so keen on tricking one another all the time that they elect governments to do it for them.

Aphorism, n. Predigested wisdom.

Yes, Marshall.” I gnawed on my fingers some more and sunk back in my chair.

Oh. I get it now. God had Nader beat my ass and my mom leave my dad just so Jodi could learn how to chop onions and use a propane grill. Great. Awesome.

The doctor seemed especially troubled by the fact of the robbery having been unexpected, and attempted in the night-time; as if it were the established custom of gentlemen in the housebreaking way to transact business...

Word of advice – never ask a terrorist the question ‘What would you do for a Klondike bar?’.

Promise me you’ll look after yourself … stay out of trouble …’‘I always do, Mrs Weasley,’ said Harry. ‘I like a quiet life, you know me.

Dan sent me over to assist you and learn how to tend the bar.” Doms could be pain-in-the-ass mother hens.

Desjani pulled out a ration bar. ‘Hungry?’ she asked Geary.’I had something earlier. Is that a Yanika Babiya?”No. It’s . . .’ She squinted at the label. ‘Spicy chicken curry.”A chicken curry ration bar? How...

Two heads are better than one because the more people that get involved, the easier it is to reach an agreement. This is why committees are so efficient.

It was a very proper wedding. The bride was elegantly dressed—the two bridemaids were duly inferior—her father gave her away—her mother stood with salts in her hand expecting to be agitated—her aunt tried to cry—...

Although in your case, we may have to find a secret option number three.

If you’re recording notes for an official record, I’d like the word ‘very’ stricken and replaced with ‘exceptionally.

…Though drowned was just as dead as any other way of dying.

Hi, I’m Dick,” I said.”Yeah, I’ve heard that about you.

Women KNOW, we just know. Even if we didn’t know, we would know. Men won’t get this, but women will..because we KNOW

How ’bout a shot of truth in that denial cocktail.

Hello, Mrs. Tran…I have David’s homework. And if you ever want to see it again, you’ll pay me the two million dollars I asked for.

There are these amazing little seeds called compassion. You should grow some.

…while Daniel disappeared into his room, probably to limn the contours of some exquisite constellation of philosophical nonsense for his internship applications and gasp in the throes of his overachieving OCDness.

I realize you’re planning on fighting all the dragons single-handedly-“”I’m going to protect you from John, dammit. Show him that he can’t fucking mess with you. This is about territory.”Tom narrowed his eyes. “Are you...

Mmm, being irresistibly likeable is such a trial,’ she drawled in an impeccable aristocratic whine. ‘One is constantly in demand, but one must do one’s duty, mustn’t one, dear chap? Noblesse oblige and all that…

All depression has its roots in self-pity, and all self-pity is rooted in people taking themselves too seriously.

What was up with class today? It was watered-down porn. He practically had you and Patch on top of your lab table, horizontal, minus your clothes, doing the Big Deed.

Wes sat in a cracked vinyl booth picking at his fries and listening to Amanda go on and on about the dress she’d found. ‘…and it has these little lavender bows. Oh, Wes, I can’t...

He seemed only … annoyed. Annoyed, and sweaty, and hot. “Yeah, well,” he said, “the next time you decide to sneak out of our magically warded apartment through a door that shouldn’t really exist, leave...

Whatever you are, do not even assume that you will be surrounded and gnawed by luxurious worms of an exquisite breed.

Nothing like an orange and olive green-striped couch sitting on orange carpet and surrounded by dark wood paneling to get the inspiration rolling.

I think one of the problems in this country is that too many people are screwing things up, committing crimes and then getting on with their lives. What is really needed for public officials who...

An invisible wall of super condensed jelly would make a great shield to stop bullets and sarcasm.

The best place to store your weapons safely is in your enemy’s hands. It is in your best interest to be defenseless while your rulers have all the weapons. After all, the government knows what’s...

That was Hunter,’ said Quinn as his father’s footsteps faded away.’I figured. Since he said to call him Hunter and everything.

Need I say more?”No, because you’re wrong, and I’d hate for you to keep embarrassing yourself.

I swear to God, if GreatReads doesn’t stop sending me these notification emails…how many times do I have to turn them off?

Aww, did we masturbate through the tears last night?

I mean, I don’t know why, since I’m simply delightful to be around. But to each his own taste.

I don’t get you people. You watch the Godfather on television and tons of people are getting shot and stabbed to death, blood splattering everywhere and it is entertaining. But, when they killed a horse,...

You can deduct it from my slow and painful death.

So this was the rest of his life. It felt like a party to which he’d been invited, but at an address he couldn’t actually locate. Someone must be having fun at it, this life...

Why can’t these American women stay in their own country? They are always telling us that it is the paradise for women.It is. That is the reason why, like Eve, they are so excessively anxious...

I couldn’t hack it in Hollywood, my writing’s wasn’t bad enough.

I once saw you in a tuxedo and all I wanted to do is eat.

Janice rolled her eyes. First, the doctor had ogled her, and now Karr was leering at her and licking his lips lasciviously.”Oh this is great. I’m being mentally undressed by a space pirate.

Think of it as an eight-dimensional onion.’ Justine straightened her back and gave her father an exasperated look. ‘Thanks, Dad. That’s helpful. I always think in those terms, it really helps a lot.

All My Bitches Are Mad At Me Right Now.

By the Angel,” Jace said, looking the demon up and down. “I knew Greater Demons were meant to be ugly, but no one ever warned me about the smell.”Abbadon opened its mouth and hissed. Inside...