Everyone has someone to call on when they’re down, let me be that someone when that ones not around.

I visited Seven Sisters Inn, and all I got was a gun pulled on me. But that’s OK, because I brought a spare pair of underwear. Oddly, I didn’t find the man who stuck a...

Neden genetik?-Hmm… Çünkü takıntılı ebeveynlere hayallerindeki iBebek’leri tasarlamaları için yardım etme hayalim var. Beyaz ırk, zayıf, sarı saç, mavi göz, sağlıklı, mümkünse erkek, mümkün olsun erkek olsun lütfen doktor hanım, sayısalcı ve heteroseksüel.

I’m not a very good sleeper. But you know what? I’m willing to put in a few extra hours every day to get better. That’s just the kind of hard worker I am.

Be honest with yourself; set the alarm for the time the Real You will get up, not the Ambitious You, because the Ambitious You doesn’t really exist.

Too bad Americans can’t export Awesome, because I have boxes and boxes of the stuff just lying around in my attic.

Maybe we should have gone with him,” he said, a few minutes after his friend was lost to sight.”Three of us would make four times the noise he will,” Halt said.Horace frowned, not quite understanding...

I pretend he doesn’t exist, and he does the same with me.

I’m sure I look like a drowned cat.””You look fine. The wet look works for you.”I scowled. “Now I know you’re lying.

Skul-man!’ he exclaimed as he rushed forward to shake his hand. ‘Last I heard you were trapped on a dead world overrun by evil trans-dimensional superfiends!’ Skulduggery nodded. ‘Just got back.

I like going back and writing fiction.

The Doctor put his finger to his lips and Martha nodded and followed him as quietly as she could. Wet leaves squelched under her feet. There was movement up ahead: two teenagers, a pale boy...

Finding the book was like kissing a lightning bolt.

I had a dream about you. We were standing next to each other, and a stranger asked for the time. My watch said 3:32, and yours said 3:33. I got concerned because somewhere I’d lost...

I rubbed at my temple, where the zit was gone. It still hurt a little , though, deep under the skin. I hate those zits that burrow underground. You think they’ve vanished, but no, they...

The easiest way to get from point A to point B is with a vehicle that runs on alphabet soup.

I did some acting in high school, I knew I really liked it.

Wedded she some years, and to a manOf fifty, and such husbands are in plenty;And yet, I think, instead of such a ONE’Twere better to have TWO of five and twenty…

Sqwaak!” from Fletcher, the environmental crime fighting parrot in The Big Belch graphic novel by Kay Wood.

The Minister of Transport issued this appeal to motorists: Can anyone give him a lift to Leicester?

My boyfriend and I broke up. He wanted to get married and I didn’t want him to.

I have the dance moves of a mustache, and a singing voice that sounds like a beard on the inside of my cheeks. Carry my love like karaoke in your pocket.

All lines are gray in the dark.

I once asked an old Japanese man why Japan decided to team up with Germany during WWII, and do you know what he told me? Well, you would if you speak Japanese, which I don’t.

He says black, I say white and we do grey

I want my relationship with my girlfriend to be built on trust, not toothpicks, rubber bands, and lentil beans.

I find it interesting that Jesus was born the same day every year and rises from the dead a different day every year

If you want to know my story, you have to go back to the beginning. Not the beginning-beginning, but about nine months later. You see, I was born as a poor farm boy. Believe it...

Secret 80916003. If it doesn’t hurt when they snatch it, it isn’t worth dangling.

When a guy at the urinal says to me, “If you shake it more than twice, you’re playing with it,” I like to look over at him, grab his ass, and say, “Shh. I’m about...

The rain in Ukraine falls mainly on the insane.

Love is the only gift that’s acceptable to give away as soon as you get it.

The man may be the head of the household. But the woman is the neck, and she can turn the head whichever way she pleases.

You can tell a lot about a person’s character by how they do life’s menial tasks. For example, I saw my neighbor washing dishes, and I could immediately tell that he was an adulterer by...

Here’s a creepy web trick: do a Google image search on ‘my grandma.’ … It’s her, isn’t it?

I went out to eat on a restaurant’s opening night. It was packed! I guess people heard I’d be dining there and came to adore me.

The Norman conquest forever changed English from a mix of bad German and bad Latin, to a mix of bad German, bad Latin, and bad German-Latin.

It’s not uncommon for me to be early to meetings by as much as a half a gallon. I guess the reason I am so punctual is because I have a very fluid concept of...

How do I know you’re who you say you aren’t?

All I can do is look at him. Up close, I get a better view; there’s no denying the fact he is really, really good-looking, in this rakish, edgy, badass, I-just-rolled-out-of-bed-and-screw-you-I-don’t-need-a-mirror kind of way.

For two years I was seeing a sex therapist. I’m now seeing a sex therapist.

I don’t understand people who don’t like meatloaf. Your mom doesn’t make it like Michael Aday does.

My operational cover won’t withstand scrutiny. It starts blushing and giggling every time.

Misery, thy name is Mudslide

Remember Stalingrad. Remember the crash of 1929. Remember the Industrial Revolution. Now remember that I am the proletariat cog in the machine that causes the meltdown of the aristocratic assembly line. Ben Franklin was a...

Secret 400. Those who complain that it’s lonely at the top never invite you up there to keep them company.

The first two letters of her name were M and E and I thought, Yes! Finally, a name I can relate to.

The Shrink always warned me that carriers stay wracked with lifelong guilt. It’s not an uplifting thing having turned lovers into monsters. We feel bad that we haven’t turned into monsters ourselves–survivor’s guilt, that’s called....

Flattery will get me nowhere? That’s a hell of a lot better than the place I am now.

On March 5th, I’m having my birthday celebration. The party starts at midnight, and ends at 12:01 AM. Don’t be late!