I knew you were awake. Who else spews such original and captivating swears?

My name,” I tell Wilbur in the most dignified voice I can find, “Was inspired by Harriet Quimby, the first female American pilot and the first woman ever to cross the Channel in an aeroplane....

Thank you all for such a warm and generous welcome. As we all are perfectly aware, my first act as mistress of the house shall be to bed your master. Do excuse.

Did you see the look on that guy’s face when he hit the ground? He was all like “Come here, defenceless little girl,’ and then you were like ‘BAM! Take that, suck-face! I’ve got superpowers!

Fang swerved closer to me, big and supremely graceful, like a black panther with wings. Oh, God. I’m so stupid. Forget I just said that. “He needs a Band-Aid,” I said. A look passed between...

Nothing says awkward like coming in your pants while dry humping.

Sexual reproduction and food — humans’ two favorite subjects.

Which brings me to the point of this call.” Thank God, baby Jesus, and the Holy Ghost.

Okay, but if you try to get me to pray with you, I walk.

you could cry, get worried or angry like any other human being, as long as you remembered that up above your spirit was laughing out loud at those thorny situation

I remembered Father remarking once that if rudeness was not attributable to ignorance it could be taken as a sure sign that one was speaking to a member of the aristocracy.

Did you finish yours, Kota?””Working on it now, Actually.””How’s it going?”He sat up, turning in his chair and holding up his notebook. “I don’t know. What rhymes with formaldehyde?”My eyes widened. Gabriel laughed, rubbing his...

A recent police study found that you’re much more likely to get shot by a fat cop if you run.

I sort of lost my temper.

Tell me it’s not true.”He sighed. “Fine. It’s not true.”…And yet…”Are you lying?”He rolled his eyes. “Of course I’m lying.””Not cool.” I muttered.Kyle shrugged. “I didn’t want you to start hyperventilating again.” His hair fell...

Butt holes are like a one-way street; they were made the way they were for a reason.

I’m surprised he doesn’t reach for a wet nap to rid his hands of my general poorness.

Luke captured my gaze again and said, “If beauty were time, you’d be eternity.” My heart stopped. I was paralysed to look away from him(…)Thankfully, another senior boy who apparently wasn’t dating anyone spoke. And...

What are they – is that a bazooka?

Breast milk is big business.” My mother uses my sarcasm as a springboard for her insanity. “We should consider opening a shop that caters to that market. We can call it ‘The Milk Bar’ or...

Your name. That’s all I want.” I debate on whether or not I should explain to him that my name isn’t going to help him in his stalking endeavours.

Finally! You’re here!”Uh….Do I know you?”Well, no….But you’re here, all the same…

The buck stops here,” Ronan said, pulling up the hand brake. “Home shit home.

Jude did not flip them off and then drove for a few blocks feeling good about himself, proud of his restraint. His will, it was like iron.

‘It’s a desire, not a body part’? What kind of fucked-up angry feminist book did you get that out of?”–Donnelly & Brandt

Well, I said, needing to lighten the mood for him, “next time Kai tries to, um, bust your balls, you can give it right back to him, because he’s got a girlfriend now, too.

Do I tell you to stop? No. Instead I feed your addiction. Can’t you provide me the same courtesy?

The Great and Tragic Love of Jonathan Shadowhunter and David the Silent, by Clary Fray, Aged 17.SIMON IT WAS BY SIMON NOT ME(…) Jonathan Shadowhunter: Oh, David, I would trust you with my life!David: Oh,...

Vhat ozzer abilities do you haf?” ter Borcht snapped, which his assistant waited, pen in hand.Gazzy thought. “I have X-ray vision,” he said. He peered at ter Borcht’s chest, then blinked and looked alarmed.Ter Borcht...

I have a bad case of awkward as fuck

Most humans expressed affection by pressing their lips together, a simple act, so why would anyone feel the need to research the process?

Easy for you to say. You’re the one who got plowed. I was doing the plowing.” Cam’s mouth opened. Oh my God, did I really just say that? I had.

Does she realize she looks like a sunflower, ready to rain sunlight on all who look down upon her?

But psychology is passing into a less simple phase. Within a few years what one may call a microscopic psychology has arisen in Germany, carried on by experimental methods, asking of course every moment for...

Public practice of any art and staring in men’s faces is very indelicate in a female,” he had said. Well I’d seen Dr. Johnson’s face in the book’s frontispiece and I couldn’t imagine anyone male...

I’d prefer a free continental breakfast.

Yes, well, how was I to know you would be so dramatic? Really, Francine, I don’t know where you get it from.” Then she primly grabbed the fowling gun before departing from the room.

I’m trying to help you.””I don’t know what you’re doing, but I’m sure there are laws about it!

Here, eat this. The chicken gives it protein and I got them to hold the bacon bits.”We’d watched Charlotte’s Web on cable last week, so I knew it’d be at least a month before she...

Darlin, you don’t even know how to pleasure yourself.

How do you know I’m not like that actress they’re always mocking, the one whose expressions they claim never change? What’s her name? Kristen Stewart.

I would love to slap you right now, but I’m currently wielding a nine pound ball and I’m afraid that would be called murder.

I mean if there was any justice in the world you wouldn’t even have to go to school during your period. You’d just stay home for five days and eat chocolate and cry.

Aline!” Isabelle looked appalled. “You can’t just go around asking people what it’s like to be a vampire.

I stop stretching and face him, unwilling to back down from this visual standoff. I’m not going to let him perform his little Jedi mind tricks on me, no matter how much I wish I...

Mr Bott sits down and gestures gracefully to the board. “As you are clearly both fascinated by this text, would you like to explain the significance of Laertes in Hamlet?” He looks at Alexa. “Please...

The urge to let go of the wheel and just see what happens is compelling. IfI live, I’ll wake to find myself in hospital. I won’t have to do anything, deal with anybody, talk, bescared...

Do you know, it’s really hard to be a parent. I blame it on Santa Claus. You spend so long making sure your kid doesn’t know he’s fake that you can’t tell when you’re supposed...

You know, you’re kind of squeamish for such a lethal person

And for once i didn’t look back.