A brick could be used as a floatation device. But only use it if the person drowning is a politician.

I’m sorry to hear that.

A thief is one who insists on sharing his victimhood.

Be able to go shopping for a bathing suit and not become depressed afterward.

A blanket could be used to stimulate the topographical terrain of a mountainous region. Kind of makes you feel like God, if you think about it.

Never trust people who smile constantly. They’re either selling something or not very bright.

A blanket could be used as a tablecloth, and a brick left as a tip.

How about a compromise: everybody leave the toilet seat at 45 degrees.

It’s horribly cute.” He kissed me, looked at the hat, and then he kissed me again. I vowed never to lose the pom-pom hat.

I saw a nipple and I got an erection. It was a man’s nipple, and I was standing alone in front of a mirror.

Except for briefings after lunch, CIA does not practice torture.

I’ll drive like my grandma. I’ll drive like your grandma.””You wouldn’t say that if you knew my gramma.

I think it’s one of the main negative emotional ingredients that fuels show business, because there’s so much at stake and the fear of failure looms large.

I was one of those. I meddled with dark powers. Isummoned demons. I ate the entire little cheese, including the rind.

Yo Mama’s so fat her butt cheeks have different area codes.

When I see a poor person I think of me, and then I think, maybe I should pay my clones for all the work they do for me. Then I think, nah, they’re only slaves....

No, no. Don’t make that face. Every time I propose to you, you make that twisty, unhappy face. It wears on a man’s confidence.

I hope the next time you get a double-decker strawberry ice-cream cone the ice cream part falls off the cone and lands in Australia.

Gimme an S! A T! An O! A C! Followed by a K-H-O-L-M! What’s it spell? HEAD FUCK.- Jane

Nostalgia isn’t what it used to be.

If a wizard should take up residence in your garden and requests food, you are obliged to feed him.

It’s a black and white issue: gray is grey, and there’s no two ways about it.

A ghostly smile flickered across his face. “If you weren’t so psychotic, you’d be fun to hang around.” “Funny, I feel that way about you too.” He didn’t say anything else, but the smile grew,...

I don’t know nothing about no marriages or nothing. I ain’t even never been to a wedding.

The only drink I like ice in is water, because you can’t water down water. I’m like that with love, too. Don’t you dare add any ice to the hot liquid loving I’m trying to...

The sign said “eight items or less”. So I changed my name to Les.

Don’t plead with anyone if you were not at fault, you’ll only look inferior, stupid and funny, bolster your ego by doing the undoing.

New streets should be Twitter friendly and be named with hashtags up front. I’d build a house on ‪#‎LoversLane‬.

Monogamous musicians are like vegan hockey players.

A blanket is great for covering things, like the dead guy, I just killed with this brick.

I know a woman loves me when she leaves me leftovers in the fridge from the date she went on the night before.

Arguin’,” Carlos says matter-of-factly.

This was not Aunt Dahlia, my good and kindly aunt, but my Aunt Agatha, the one who chews broken bottles and kills rats with her teeth.

I like to call in sick to work at places where I’ve never held a job. Then when the manager tells me I don’t work there, I tell them I’d like to. But not today,...

So they ended up turning this little twenty eight page book into the movie. And it’s all about this stinky, smelly ogre who doesn’t care what anybody thinks of him.

Mr. Right is coming, but he’s in Africa and he’s walking.

I wouldn’t say I’m superficial, just averagely ficial.

I asked what you’re going to do. Nine times out of ten, talking is a way of avoiding doing things.

I’m kidding, you idiot. Let’s go.

I may not be a witch, but I will knock her right off that broomstick if she keeps this up.

Of course, I’d like to have fake legs. I would dance with a boy and then afterwards pull up my dress to show him my fake legs, just to watch him fall over from the...

A hundred people is rather a large handful for the four of us to take on,” Malcolm pointed out. “Do you have any ideas about how we’re going to handle that task?””Simple,” Halt told him....

I have a beard of fog that I wear on misty mornings. It’s not cigarette smoke, but I’d understand if you wanted to shave it off and inhale it.

The waitress walk away. Everyone look’s at each other and then laugh. The laugh it feel so cathartic. It break the ice and sudenly the mood feel like old times. They may not have money...

I’m not leaving, Kitten. You’re going to do this.”My mouth opened as did the door behind us. Stomach dropping, I turned to see Mom standing there in all her fuzzy-bunny pajama glory. Oh, for the...

His name was Tom Tombstone, and if he had a middle name it was probably Death. But I didn’t call him Tom, or even Mr. Tombstone, because he introduced himself as Robert Winston. And I...

Gentle reminder, Smile please.

—,Acabas de… lavar un plato? —Dee retrocedió lentamente, parpadeando. Miró a Daemon—. El mundo se va a terminar. Y sigo siendo vir…—¡No! —gritaron los hermanos al unísono. Daemon parecía que en realidad iba a vomitar.—Jesús,...

When push comes to shove, I’m going to figure out that this door needs to be pulled to be opened.

My congratulations to you, sir. Your manuscript is both good and original; but the part that is good is not original, and the part that is original is not good.