I want to buy you a pair of YAP, or Yellow Admiration Pants (they have no crotch), and have you talk dirty to me.

How can it be a CIA client state when CIA is paying for it?

I remember the second time I took Agatha out. I wanted to go to Dairy Queen, and she wanted to go to Burger King. In the end we settled for wieners and clams at Johnny...

Twas Thomas Edison did declareThat waste is worse than lossYet never once saw fit to pareHis first name to Tomás

I don’t know where my ideas come from. I will admit, however, that one key ingredient is caffeine. I get a couple cups of coffee into me and weird things just start to happen.

A brick could be surgically inserted in the chest of a man who needs a heart transplant. And for just $20,000 more dollars, that brick could be replaced with a new heart.

The fastest way to lose weight is to find religion and start fasting.

There’s not a lot of food on the moon. Not unless you’re into cannibalism.

Wow! This was one advanced society.”

Why send roses? Wouldn’t it be more romantic to deliver a dozen orgasms? For only $19.95, I’ll deliver them to your woman any day of the year. But be sure to book early for Valentine’s...

Somebody get me a bottle of booze—and a reason to quit drinking. I fell in love twice today, and I only encountered one other person.

The lampshade on my head is for my bright ideas. I won’t be able to convey them until Monday, when my curtain gets out of the dry cleaners.

A brick has no legs, so it probably slithers like a snake. Therefore, a brick might make a good pet. And at least you wouldn’t have to walk it.

I threw an etiquette party and served nothing but beans and sparkling water. The topic of conversation was ‘excuse me’.

Love smells like a flower in bloom. A flower that’s sitting on a pile of steaming feces.

Some people won’t have kids, but I’m not going to have parents. I’m burning their birth certificates and defacing their gravestones tonight.

Love is a four-letter word. So is glue, only it isn’t as sticky. And I must admit, I still eat it all the time.

Once you can accept the universe as matter expanding into nothing that is something, wearing stripes with plaid comes easy.

A brick could be used to keep thieves away from your house. Just set a brick outside your front door, and you won’t need any additional security. Years will go by and nobody will steal...

Forget love… I’d rather fall in chocolate.

I like to schedule dentist appointments for March 32, otherwise known as April Fool’s Day.

Puns are the highest form of literature.

We’ll see how smug you are once I’m on dry land.

They make a humongous profit, but the people that work on the shows don’t get paid a lot because they’re working on the Oscars show. It’s the biggest show in the world.

Bombs Away!” he yelled, swooping low over StregaSchloss. He saw little figures on the ground fleeing from the large green projectile that was speeding their way. “And a direct hit, if I’m not mistaken,” he...

Coincidentally, a good age for a Japanese girl is younger than twenty five, because that’s when she turns into a ‘Christmas Cake’. Christmas cakes, as everyone knows, are desirable before the twenty fifth but afterward...

When in doubt, poke the beehive with a stick to see if anything interesting flies out.I clapped my hands. ‘I had no idea Pit teams had such pretty cheerleaders. Can you do it again, but...

All women may not be beautiful but every woman can look beautiful.

You’re alright, I guess; for, you’re just being you, like any other cuckoo.

Apart from the economic value, money does have high moral value.

Beauty is a sacrifice. -MeBaby, I INVENTED scrawny! -Leo ValdezI will NEVER leave you or forsake you. -GodNo one can make you feel inferior, unless you consent. -Eleanor RooseveltBe careful, Seaweed Brain. -Annabeth Chase

Stealing is good, honest work,” Said the theif, puffing out his chest. “Well, not honest, strictly speaking,” he admitted after a moment. “Or actually good.

Much of the Kama Sutra is like origami; I don’t quite understand all the bending that needs to happen.

I left in love, in laughter, and in truth, and wherever truth, love and laughter abide, I am there in spirit.

Leading up to my life is a long line of dead bodies. These are my ancestors, and I respect them, but I’m glad I don’t have to bury them all. I just have to bury...

Magnus raised his hands above his head and clapped once. The room flooded with light. “You see? You think that would be possible without magic? “Actually,” replied Simon, “It is. If you watched infomercials you’d...

Love can make a flower more fragrant, a blue sky bluer, and an empty bank account emptier. I should probably sign up for another credit card.

Mer—mermaids. There are fish with women’s bodies or—women with fish bodies sitting upon the rocks. I—I never knew…

Love, it’s like catching barrels in a fish.

We got there without being spotted. I pulled her in, then shut the door, pressing my back to it and exhaling like an epileptic pilot who’d just landed a cargo plane full of dynamite.

I sing like a flower, and I dance like a tree. Let us make love like an overflowing cup of coffee.

Playboy stretched his arm, patting Carlos on the back. “Well, you know what they say: If you love someone, let’em go. If they don’t come back, hunt’em down and kill’em!

Having to eat fruit drives me bananas. But it’s OK, I park. Then I pick up a hooker and make love like I’ve got no money. And I really don’t have any.

And so that means…””We have to rob the Henley,” Simon said.Kat sank onto a truly uncomfortable sofa. “Again.

From across the bar, I saw her see me seeing her see me, and I knew that she knew, and with all this knowledge and vision I figured it must be love. But I could...

Often stereotypically sandwiched between empty nest syndrome and retirement, rhinoplasty is actually a fluid phase that can occur before, after, or concurrently with any other life stage.

My albino elbow bends like a bow and arrow shoots shoots, roots, and bearded forest creatures. Love me now, before I remove my undergrowth.

Life is like butter – when things cool down it can be reshaped

I wasn’t afraid of your average dark alley. I had standard Agency-issue spells in my coat and a nine millimeter in my purse for dealing with the less dangerous pests, but even I knew you...

You were at the party on Friday night, weren’t you?” I didn’t mentioned I’d followed him into the woods.He leaned back in his chair, his legs sprawled out. His boots nudged the bottom ruffle of...