I don’t want to work a 9-5 job, because 20 hours a day is just too much.

Secret 53910321. When pitching a potential recruit, throw low and inside.

No man should marry until he has studied anatomy and dissected at least one woman.

The map may not be the territory, but if the theory of a 2-dimensional holographic universe is confirmed, it means the territory is a map.

Dance like there’s nobody watching. Or filming. Never mind that creepy guy in the corner with the camcorder. Just keep dancing.

Secret 4.1. Whatever makes a nail go in is a hammer.

A wife is a friend first, a lover second, and third and probably most important, a maid.

The problem with the Peter Principle is that it assumes somebody somewhere is competent in the first place.

Meatloaf is meatloaf is not a true statement. You can have gravy on top, ketchup on top, and don’t forget you can also have love on top–however, you must understand that I would do anything,...

No thunder was ever angry, nor dark cloud somber. But every drizzle is definitely embarrassed.

If we could celebrate our birthday on any day of the year, would you choose the one you were born on? I’d be a fool and a liar if I told you I didn’t want...

Today I gave the hospital permission to youthanize my grandma. I can’t wait to see how much younger she looks!

Behind the waterfall of love you’ll find me, hiding in a barrel.

I’ve often been criticised, but never critically wounded

You don’t love me!” Agatha shouted. When she said that, I said I couldn’t agree more. Of course I completely disagreed with her, and that is why I simply could not agree more. It took...

If looks could kill…well, Dick was already dead, so nothing would happen. But Gabriel was not laughing.”See Dick,” Dick said, pointing at his chest. He then swept his hand dangerously close to mind. “Jane. Dick...

A brick could be dropped on your mother-in-law’s head from the height of 66.6 feet. You know, as a going away present.

I can’t hear the phrase ‘Bay of Pigs invasion’ without thinking of bacon.

I like food that speaks to me. Food like French toast, English muffins, and Deviled eggs. Oh, oval embryonic spawn of chicken, why hast thou deceived me?

Those who are ignorant of science fiction movie tropes are condemned to play imperial stormtroopers.

Every time the wind blows I think of her. I wonder if I could generate electricity off my yearning. Maybe a mind wind farm of some kind. Hopefully I could provide enough power for all...

If my name were C. Ross, I’d definitely be religious.

I had no idea he thought he was funny, tried to be funny, or actually is funny until he made me laugh so hard I peed all over his feet at the urinal.

Meatloaf.

I never heard back from her after our first date, so either she’s dead, or she rejected me. I wonder where her funeral was held.

So? I know lots of beautiful women. Nova wanted to chase… I merely obliged her by running.

All this talk of lost love has made me hungry. I eat like a horse and stand tall and proud like a jockey.

The problem with our society is that our values aren’t in the right place. There’s an awful lot of bleeding and naked bodies on prime-time networks, but not nearly enough cable television on public programming.

Everybody just lets the media do their thinking for them… that’s why you’ll never hear any reggae on the radio!

Trees are corrupting our parks. They should be arrested for loitering. For deciduous trees, add littering and indecent exposure to that list of offenses.

Motorcycle helmets are bottomless. Strippers are topless. And my love is middleless.

Men only treat women like princesses when they want to use them like prostitutes.

A blanket could be used to trick a bull into charging at you. After you trick the bull, trick a bear next, and then by that time all the investors will be playing your game,...

Common sense is the collection of prejudices acquired by age eighteen.

Never start a fight with your hands in your pockets. Unless you’re instigating with an armless man.

You spend the first 2 years of their life teaching them to walk and talk. Then you spend the next 16 telling them to sit down and shut-up.

I think the Internet’s been a tremendous tool in terms of breaking down the power structure of information and entertainment, particularly at a time when so much information and entertainment were in the hands of...

When a fat person goes in the water naked, would it still be called skinny-dipping?

Let us not look back in anger, nor forward in fear, but around inebriated.

I vowed in front of God – and Elvis – that I wouldn’t, didn’t I?

Hey, I am thinking of it myself, in this part of world (East), we all do endeavors in praying and are sweating (white liquid) and this is our situation, frustrated , but on the other...

Some parts of the Bible I find a little troubling. For example, if Jesus really believed in nonviolence, why did He destroy the Death Star?

Your kids pissing you off is an inborn instinct. It’s nature’s way of getting you to kick them out when they turn 18!Okaaay. ~sigh~ Due to the times, you can kick them out between the...

One should never give up on hope. Unless that’s the name of the girl who cheated on you in which case, yeah, give her up.

Oh, you need Alan to betray Nick and then you’ll steal Nick’s powers and kill them both,” said Mae. “Great idea. Hey, can i come? I’ll bring a picnic lunch if you promise not to...

Tried to escape, to block out the fact that I was being eaten alive by arachnids. For some reason the only thing I could replace it with was the image of being eaten by tiny...

When you are angry try your best to go to sleep, it keeps you away from speaking, writing and thinking while you are angry.

You fellows are amazing,’ the sweaty cook roared over the stoves. ‘Everything happens to you only. Each time you come here, you have a new adventure story to entertain us

Small men oft feel a need to prove their courage with unseemly boasts,” he declared. “I doubt if he could kill a duck.”Tyrion shrugged. “Fetch the duck.

No I’m not.