It’s never just a game when you’re winning.

I’m completely in favor of the separation of Church and State. … These two institutions screw us up enough on their own, so both of them together is certain death.

Weather forecast for tonight: dark.

Nothing worse… nothing worse that to be stuck somewhere with some married a-hole and have to listen to him tell you about his f***in’ kids… Let me tell ya something, folks… nobody cares about your...

woof” in cat.

I bet you anything that 10 times out of 10, Nicky, Vinny and Tony will beat the shit out of Todd, Kyle and Tucker.

Forget the politicians. The politicians are put there to give you the idea you have freedom of choice. You don’t. You have no choice. You have owners. They own you. They own everything. They own...

I went through the usual stages: imp, rascal, scalawag, whippersnapper. And, of course, after that it’s just a small step to full-blown sociopath.

I tried to believe that there is a God, who created each of us in His own image and likeness, loves us very much, and keeps a close eye on things. I really tried to...

There are no bad words. Bad thoughts. Bad intentions, and wooooords.

Life is tough, then you die.

And although I broke a lot of laws as a teenager, I straightened out immediately upon turning eighteen, when I realized the state had a legal right to execute me.

THINGS YOU NEVER HEAR: ‘Please stop sucking my dick or I’ll call the police.

I don’t know how you feel, but I’m pretty sick of church people. You know what they ought to do with churches? Tax them. If holy people are so interested in politics, government, and public...

A good motto to live by: ‘Always try not to get killed.

Fuck the drug war. Dropping acid was a profound turning point for me, a seminal experience. I make no apologies for it. More people should do acid. It should be sold over the counter.

People say, ‘I’m going to sleep now,’ as if it were nothing. But it’s really a bizarre activity. ‘For the next several hours, while the sun is gone, I’m going to become unconscious, temporarily losing...

Let a smile be your umbrella, and you’ll end up with a face full of rain.

A flag is supposed to represent everything that a country does. It doesn’t only represent the good things. If you burn the flag, you’re burning the flag for what you perceive to be the bad...

I can remember staring at the orphanage and feeling envy.

Instead of warning pregnant women not to drink,I think female alcoholics ought to be told not to fuck

I was thinking about how people seem to read the bible a lot more as they get older, and then it dawned on me—they’re cramming for their final exam.

Don’t give your money to the church. They should be giving their money to you.

Conservatives say if you don’t give the rich more money, they will lose their incentive to invest. As for the poor, they tell us they’ve lost all incentive because we’ve given them too much money.

The reason I talk to myself is because I’m the only one whose answers I accept.

So, have a little fun. Soon enough you’ll be dead and burning in Hell with the rest of your family.

I have as much authority as the Pope. I just don’t have as many people who believe it.

But when you’re in front of an audience and you make them laugh at a new idea, you’re guiding the whole being for the moment. No one is ever more him/herself than when they really...

I read that Monica Seles got stabbed. And although I have nothing against Monica Seles, I’m glad somebody in sports got stabbed. I like the idea of it; it’s good entertainment. If we’re lucky, it’ll...

Men are from Earth, women are from Earth. Deal with it.

It’s all bullshit, folks and it’s bad for ya.

Capitalism tries for a delicate balance: It attempts to work things out so that everyone gets just enough stuff to keep them from getting violent and trying to take other people’s stuff.

I was a hip kid. When I saw Bambi it was the midnight show.

I think I am, therefore, I am… I think.

If no one knows when a person is going to die, how can we say he died prematurely?

Words are all we have, really. We have thoughts but thoughts are fluid. Then we assign a word to a thought and we’re stuck with that word for that thought, so be careful with words....

There are nights when the wolves are silent and only the moon howls.

The planet is fine. The people are fucked.

You show me a lazy prick who’s lying in bed all day, watching TV, only occasionally getting up to piss, and I’ll show you a guy who’s not causing any trouble.

I noticed that all the prayers I used to offer to God, and all the prayers I now offer to Joe Pesci, are being answered at about the same fifty percent rate. Half the time...

Atheism is a non-prophet organization.

Sports fans eat shit.

May the forces of evil become confused on the way to your house.

If everyone in the world sat quietly at the same time, closed their eyes and concentrated as hard as they could on peace and goodwill, all the killing and cruelty in the world would continue....

Those who dance are considered insane by those who cannot hear the music.

You’re just another american who is willfully ignorant of the big red, white and blue dick being shoved up your asshole every day… The owners of this country know the truth… it’s called the American...

Honesty may be the best policy, but it’s important to remember that apparently, by elimination, dishonesty is the second-best policy.

Do you know why hurricanes have names instead of numbers? To keep the killing personal. No one cares about a bunch of people killed by a number. ‘200 Dead as Number Three Slams Ashore’ is...

I love words. I thank you for hearing my words. I want to tell you something about words that I think is important. Words are my work, they’re my play. They’re my passion. Words are...

TOMORROW IS ANOTHER DAY. Not true. Today is another day. We have no idea what tomorrow is going to be. It might turn out to be another day, but we can’t be sure. If it...