I’m happy to tell you there is very little in this world that I believe in.

Avoid teams at all cost. Keep your circle small. Never join a group that has a name.

I am a personal optimist but a skeptic about all else. What may sound to some like anger is really nothing more than sympathetic contempt. I view my species with a combination of wonder and...

The God excuse, the last refuge of a man with no answers and no argument.

If you try to fail, and succeed, which have you done?

I’m not a person who thinks they can have it all, but I certainly feel that with a bit of effort and guile I should be able to have more than my fair share.

And then there are the times when the wolves are silent and the moon is howling.

Gotta have my make up, in case I run into Joey and he wants to beat the shit out of me. Gotta look my best! Maybe he’ll punch me repeatedly in the kidneys and the...

I think the warning labels on alcoholic beverages are too bland. They should be more vivid. Here is one I would suggest: “Alcohol will turn you into the same asshole your father was.

I would never want to be a member of a group whose symbol was a man nailed to two pieces of wood.

And off we go, out onto the highway looking for a little fun. Perhaps a flatbed truck loaded with human cadavers will explode in front of a Star Trek reunion. One can only dream and...

Every day I beat my own previous record for the number of consecutive days I’ve stayed alive.

[On school uniforms] Don’t these schools do enough damage making all these kids think alike, now they have to make them look alike too? It’s not a new idea, either. I first saw it in...

Electricity is really just organized lightning

Now, there’s one thing you might have noticed I don’t complain about: politicians. Everybody complains about politicians. Everybody says they suck. Well, where do people think these politicians come from? They don’t fall out of...

My advice: just keep movin’ straight ahead. Every now and then you find yourself in a different place.

Never underestimate the power of stupid people in large groups.

We’re so self-important. So arrogant. Everybody’s going to save something now. Save the trees, save the bees, save the whales, save the snails. And the supreme arrogance? Save the planet! Are these people kidding? Save...

People are wonderful one at a time. Each one of them has an entire hologram of the universe somewhere within them.

I had no shoes, and I felt sorry for myself until I met a man who had no feet. I took his shoes. Now I feel better.

I’ve begun worshipping the sun for a number of reasons. First of all, unlike some other gods I could mention, I can see the sun. It’s there for me every day. And the things it...

The caterpillar does all the work, but the butterfly gets all the publicity.

Religion is like a pair of shoes…..Find one that fits for you, but don’t make me wear your shoes.

Y’ever notice how you never seem to get laid on Thanksgiving? I think it’s because all the coats are on the bed.

The larger the group, the more toxic, the more of your beauty as an individual you have to surrender for the sake of group thought. And when you suspend your individual beauty you also give...

And here’s something else, another problem you might have: Suppose your prayers aren’t answered. What do you say? “Well, it’s God’s will.” “Thy Will Be Done.” Fine, but if it’s God’s will, and He’s going...

Have you ever wondered why Republicans are so interested in encouraging people to volunteer in their communities? It’s because volunteers work for no pay. Republicans have been trying to get people to work for no...

My mother would say, ‘Why are you always playing alone?’ And I would say, ‘I’m not playin’, Ma. I’m fuckin’ serious!

Some people see things that are and ask, Why? Some people dream of things that never were and ask, Why not? Some people have to go to work and don’t have time for all that.

Here’s all you have to know about men and women: women are crazy, men are stupid. And the main reason women are crazy is that men are stupid.

And finally, I’ve always drawn a great deal of moral comfort from Humpty Dumpty. The part I like the best? ‘All the king’s horses and all the king’s men couldn’t put Humpty Dumpty back together...

I think one of the problems in this country is that too many people are screwing things up, committing crimes and then getting on with their lives. What is really needed for public officials who...

Tell people there’s an invisible man in the sky who created the universe, and the vast majority will believe you. Tell them the paint is wet, and they have to touch it to be sure.

It’s never just a game when you’re winning.

I’m completely in favor of the separation of Church and State. … These two institutions screw us up enough on their own, so both of them together is certain death.

Weather forecast for tonight: dark.

Nothing worse… nothing worse that to be stuck somewhere with some married a-hole and have to listen to him tell you about his f***in’ kids… Let me tell ya something, folks… nobody cares about your...

I bet you anything that 10 times out of 10, Nicky, Vinny and Tony will beat the shit out of Todd, Kyle and Tucker.

Forget the politicians. The politicians are put there to give you the idea you have freedom of choice. You don’t. You have no choice. You have owners. They own you. They own everything. They own...

I went through the usual stages: imp, rascal, scalawag, whippersnapper. And, of course, after that it’s just a small step to full-blown sociopath.

woof” in cat.

There are no bad words. Bad thoughts. Bad intentions, and wooooords.

Life is tough, then you die.

And although I broke a lot of laws as a teenager, I straightened out immediately upon turning eighteen, when I realized the state had a legal right to execute me.

I tried to believe that there is a God, who created each of us in His own image and likeness, loves us very much, and keeps a close eye on things. I really tried to...

THINGS YOU NEVER HEAR: ‘Please stop sucking my dick or I’ll call the police.

I don’t know how you feel, but I’m pretty sick of church people. You know what they ought to do with churches? Tax them. If holy people are so interested in politics, government, and public...

A good motto to live by: ‘Always try not to get killed.

Fuck the drug war. Dropping acid was a profound turning point for me, a seminal experience. I make no apologies for it. More people should do acid. It should be sold over the counter.

Let a smile be your umbrella, and you’ll end up with a face full of rain.