A brick could be locked in a safe, because nobody will try to steal it there.

A brick could be used to prop up a wobbly table—or an unstable relationship. I wish I’d have thought of that before I got divorced.

A blanket could be used as an American flag. It could keep the world warm with its patronizing patriotism and imperialism.

I’ve always wanted to go out with a bang, that’s why I carry two bricks around with me wherever I go, so when I leave a room I clap them together.

I am the Magic Chicken of Desire. Just add water. And a brick and a blanket.

A blanket could be used to attract a potential mate. I’ve already got my mate. I bought her in a mannequin store (she was on sale).

A blanket could be used as a Portable Night Generator. Just stretch it over your head, blocking your eyes from the sun in the sky, and voila! Nighttime.

A blanket could be used as a TV screen. How? No—why? Even better—why not? Why not wrap yourself up in your favorite TV shows and let the screen warm your body and soul?

A blanket could be used to stop terrorism. Unless that terrorist has a small knife, or really sharp teeth, and is able to chew through the cloth separating him from our American freedom.

A blanket could be used to mimic the mating call of my crumpled-up clone. Isn’t silence seductive?

A football could be swapped out for a brick, to make family reunion football games more fun. But I’m calling it right now: I get to be quarterback.

A brick could be used to say hi to Pink Floyd.

A brick could be used to keep your sandwich pressed down, so your meat doesn’t spill out.

A blanket could be used to keep your body warm. After all, your body starts cooling off rapidly once you die. But don’t worry, I’ll bury you someplace quiet, someplace sacred, someplace so secret the...

A brick could be duct taped in front of your eyes, like a blindfold, so you can have that feeling of hitting your head against a brick wall all the time.

A brick could be used like Dracula uses binoculars. I swear that pervert peeps on me every night from the tree across the street.

Blankets could be used to keep politicians warm, when we kick them all to the street. They’ll be warm, but they’ll be bruised, because we’ll continue kicking them after they’re in the street.

A brick could be lodged inside a home to provide comfort, stability, hope, change, and audacity. Oh gosh! Sorry about the last three—I was in my political bullshit mode again.

A brick could be used in religious ceremonies. After all, it is slightly better than using live human sacrifices.

Without rules, there’d be nothing to break. Well, except glass, dance, and bricks. So I guess bricks could be stacked up in place of a list of rules.

Sorry, we don’t serve rigid nonthinkers here.” So the brick and the pastor look at the politician, who turns around and leaves.

Bricks could be used like trophies. And if we give them to everyone, just for participating, then collectively we could build a big House of Emptiness.

A brick can’t cure cancer. But who knows, maybe a brick combined with a blanket could. I’ll have to ask Dr. Burzynski about it.

A blanket could be used to rob a bank. Guns are so Bonnie and Clyde, but a blanket bank robbery has a certain amount of seduction involved. A blanket has a lot more banging involved...

until death do us part” is faster and cheaper than a divorce.

I’d much rather a monkey throws a blanket instead of a brick.

A brick could be traded for a soon-to-be abandoned baby. Let’s build a better future together.

A blanket could be used to say hello to all the goodbyes I was too blind to hear. I’m hungry for a bowl full of mute, but my favorite restaurant is out of the Helen...

A blanket could be used to express my condolences. I’m sorry to have to tell you I’m sorry, but that’s life, you know?

A blanket could be used to swallow up the nightmares you used to have as a kid. Whatever happened to those bad dreams? I’ll bet your mom gave them to Good Will.

A blanket could be used as wrapping paper, to give the gift of a cat.

A blanket could be used to keep you warm on a cold night. Just pour some gasoline on it and light it on fire.

A blanket is a shield, blocking out the breeze, and an insulator, keeping in body heat.

A brick could be used to direct traffic. Use a brick from the scene of the accident, where some driver ran into a brick wall.

Will you sleep with me?” I expect you to run to the bedroom, get naked, and get under the blanket. Whatever you do, do not reach for the brick.

A brick could be used as a Sexual Orientation Device. But I don’t need it, because I know my sexual orientation—north!

A brick could be used as brain filler for the political mind, just in case one of our elected officials needs a brain transplant to try to boost their intellectual capabilities.

A blanket could be used like a Love Fleece. I imagine you’re shaking your head. Do you disagree? Fine, then when you’re shivering, I won’t ask if it’s because you’re cold—or because you’re lonely.

A brick could be broken—shattered—and then given as a gift, a jigsaw puzzle.

A brick is a barometer of love. Give it to the girl of your dreams, and see if she uses it to build a life with you, or as a high velocity projectile.

If I were a mad scientist, I’d use a brick in an angry way. And if I were a mad scientist, I’d use it in a diabolically clever way. Probably I’d use the brick, in...

A brick and a blanket are going to help me conquer the world. Just give me an army at my disposal, and you’ll see what I mean.

A blanket could be split in two—divided in half, like hereditary territory one inherits. And once you’ve got half the blanket, you’d better stay on your side of the bed—or else I’m going to tell...

Two bricks, parallel and horizontal, equals an equal sign.

A brick could be used to make love better. Faster isn’t always better. Don’t you want to make love better?

A blanket could be used as a makeshift trampoline, to attract midgets to your picnic. The great thing about dining with dwarves, is since they are little people, they eat very little.

A brick could be used like sandpaper, to smooth out a cat’s rough tongue.

A brick could be used to float a good idea at work—especially if it’s a good idea that would be bad for you personally.

A blanket could be used to aid a waiter with bringing out a large order of beer. Those customers can drape themselves in soggy drunkenness.

A brick could be used to crush the dreams of the little guy. Especially if that little guy’s dreams are roach like and scurrying across the kitchen floor.