A brick could be dropped in a toilet to replicate the sound of shitting bricks. But we wouldn’t have to go through all that trouble if you’d just eat the bricks I put on your...

A brick could be cast in Samuel Jackson roles. It would be cheaper and more dramatic.

A blanket could be used as an inherently destructive force, if you can just get past the brick stage.

A blanket could be used to trap my love in, before it dissipates out into the world.

A jet may be perfect for breaking the speed of sound, but a brick is designed to break the speed of silence. Just listen to that quietness.

A brick could be laid on a blanket, so the blanket doesn’t blow away. But why would the blanket blow away? I just turned the fan off.

A blanket could be used at the end of meetings, to wrap things up—sort of like a big office burrito of productivity.

A brick and a blanket need a logo, and I’m just the designer to hire to sit around idly as I ideally charge you by the hour.

A brick could be used to help you become the next Great American Novelist. Hopefully after you use it to crack your own skull, and not too long after your death, the public will realize...

A brick could be used to stop people from reading my book. Just place the brick on the book’s cover, to discourage people from opening it up.

Instead of Rock, Paper, Scissors, you could play Brick, Blanket, Action Fingers, in which brick cripples action fingers, blanket smothers brick and action fingers beats blanket.

Blankets could be used as tents. That would free up tents to be used as portable sex stalls.

A brick could be used to stop war. Logically, a non-brick could be used to start a war. The most common non-brick war starter is of course a politician, which is misleading because despite being...

A blanket could be used to alter the future. But so can setting your watch ahead five minutes. Trust me, I’ve been to the future, and I was late.

A brick could be given as a graduation gift to a C student. It’s like here, welcome to a life in the construction industry.

Free sex with room.”

A blanket could be used to reduce the weight of love, by exactly one person. It’s a cold world out there.

A blanket could be used to travel to exotic places. Just close your eyes and see for yourself.

A brick could be used as a way to motivate yourself to succeed. I’m proof that it works. It’s how I managed to get second to last in my last race.

A blanket could be used as a bathtub tarp, keeping all the body’s heat in, and the police’s and murder victim’s wife’s eyes out.

A brick could be used as a pillow, if you first wrap it with a blanket. But if you’re shivering from being cold, don’t worry—I’ll cover you with my naked body.

A brick could be used as a floatation device. But only use it if the person drowning is a politician.

A brick could be used like March 5th marches in a marching band. And guess what, as the marching band director, I am the cement that holds everyone’s shoes in sync at the bottom of...

A brick could be used as a fashion accessory. Or an accessory to murder. I believe the phrase is, “If looks could kill.

A brick could be used as a floating object that dispensed fresh water, if only it were lighter and shaped like a cloud.

A brick could be used as a stamp on a letter, to increase the weight and boost the cost and profitability of the postal service. It would be government efficiency at its finest.

A blanket (twin, full, or queen-sized) could be placed squarely over the state of Rhode Island, and there’d still be enough blanket space left over to keep an obese man warm through a blizzard.

A brick could be used to build a color theory that red objects encapsulate rage. Don’t believe me? Think of all the red objects that inspire hate: stop lights, Nazi swastikas, and tomato juice.

A brick could be used to foretell the future. But I’m the only one alive who knows how to make it work, and my occult knowledge can be rented out to you for $9.99 per...

A brick could be modified to be a cell phone, for construction workers who miss the easy to find cell phone size of the 1980s.

A blanket could be used to make all your dreams come true. Well, not all of them. Just the ones that are happening while you are sleeping.

A blanket could be used to sail with the wind. That wind is provided by my ceiling fan, and my boat is my bed. Why don’t you come over, and I’ll teach you the art...

Blankets are good to carry around if you want to be able to quickly black bag someone.

Soak blanket in gravy and make a delicious brick wrap. Serve in All Gravy Room at the Mandrake Hotel.

A blanket could be used to improve the quality of your trumpet playing. Wrap the blanket tightly around and in the horn section before you start blowing, and my ears will thank you.

A brick could be used to slow down time. Sort of like a camel in a wheelchair pushed by a thirsty Arab. Hey, Khalid, wait up a second!

A blanket could be used to lay down the law. Lay it down over there, on top of the bed, and I’ll come over and enforce it.

A brick could be used to stop a murder. Just wedge it in front of the door of the murderer, and enclose him in his room.

A blanket could be used as a soggy umbrella, if you’re too cheap to buy my 360-degrees spinning windshield wiper on a stick. Think of it like a one-bladed helicopter, and picture yourself as dry...

A brick could be used to measure the speed of gravity, but an apple offers a tastier option.

A blanket could be used as a screen to project animated bedtime stories onto, and also a place to project your fears about society not being accepting of adults who watch movies directed at an...

A brick could be used to locate the precise coordinates of the Masons. Just follow the bricks—and follow the money.

A blanket could be used as a cover of your favorite song by your favorite cover band.

A blanket could be used in a secretive manner. What? I can’t just tell you how it could be used. What part of secretive don’t you understand?

A brick could be used to gauge the level of reciprocated sexual interest of the person or object of your desire. A brick works best, however, when the focus of your lust is the brick...

A brick could be used to describe somebody hard and inflexible, and a blanket could be used to describe somebody warm and easygoing.

A brick could be used as a period on a really large sentence. A blanket could be used as a really large tilde sign.

A brick could be planted on a farm, in the hopes that a house will spring up come harvest. But that idea is ridiculous, because we’re in a drought, and there simply hasn’t been enough...

A brick could be used for job security, like an employment paperweight. Hey, in this economic depression, I’ll take anything I can get to help me hold down a job.

A brick is a mythical object that empowers its handler and enables them to conquer the world and control the globe through secret occult knowledge. Just ask the Masons.