It just a fun game, until someone starts to win and then everyone else begins to cheat!

If you’re given a dirty look, wash it and give it back.

JOIN THE CIRCUS OF CHAOS … juggling, stilt walking, and other skills for socially acceptable procrastination.

Always blow your own trumpet, blowing someone else’s is unhygienic

A fit, healthy body—that is the best fashion statement

Wish in one hand, shit in the other, see which one fills up faster.

Stop worrying about life, no one survived it.

I have no problem with god – it’s his fan club that scares me.

If you want to know what’s going on, keep your mind in the fridge or it might go off.

Frame everything and some of it will become art.

I’ve found a great hiding place for all my money, down the drain

Great songs don’t grow on trees, yet lots of songs have been written on great trees

Iron deficiency can lead to a wardrobe full of crumpled clothes

A sneeze can never be to far away

I moved out of my head office and went out of my mind.

Ignorance is bliss. Denial is the reaction to a painful truth.

Holly girl, you are all too human, I can assure you. Prickly and awkward and human, because that’s what witches are – human, that is, not necessarily the prickly and annoying bit. That’s just you.

Amazin’.’ he said again. ‘He just looks as though he’s thinking, right?”Er…yes.”But he’s not actually thinking?”Er…no.”So…he just gives the impression of thinking but really it’s just a show?”Er…yes.’Just like everyone else, then really,’ said Ridcully

Women are almost two thirds more likely than men to believe in God, a major study of attitudes among middle aged Britons has found, says The Telegraph. Well, men are twice more likely than God...

Short cuts make long delays.

Free your mind from routine, keep your brain somewhere else

In real life, Snow White stays dead and Rapunzel grows old, alone in her tower. In real life, you gotta have enough sense to stay away from ugly bitches offering you shiny apples and have...

I’d spend hours in HMVs, Virgin Megastores and second-hand record shops staffed by greasy-haired 40-year-olds dressed as 20-year-olds, listening to contemporary music of every genre – Britrock, heavy maiden, gang rap, brakebeat. And I came...

The subject of money was not mentioned again at the time, but when Miss Todd began going to Mrs Morland as secretary, she insisted on having an account from Dr Ford, much to his annoyance....

If there’s grass on the pitch,” and gives his small cock a quick squeeze under the desk.

Just because you disagreed with the Poll Tax and detested Margaret Thatcher—””Detest is a little inappropriate,” Parlabane said. “Maybe closer to say I spent the entire Eighties wishing I was pissing on her rotting corpse.

You can’t judge a book by its cover,” he said. “No,” said Watts. “But you can tell how much it’s gonna cost!

There is a point in the future where even the worst disaster starts to settle into an anecdote.

The only good thing about that decision, Gatt, is that I’ll get tea before you.

Fish fiddle de-dee!

Mark Spitz didn’t ask about Harry. You never asked about the characters that disappeared from a Last Night story. You knew the answer. The plague had a knack for narrative closure.

Centuries ago, sailors on long voyages used to leave a pair of pigs on every deserted island. Or they’d leave a pair of goats. Either way, on any future visit, the island would be a...

Of course I want to kill you,” said Skulduggery. “I want to kill most people. But then where would I be? In a field of dead people with no one to talk to.

What?” she asked again.He pointed ahead of them. “See that?””What, the snow?””Beyond that.””More snow?””Stop looking at the snow.

If you can identify humor in problems then you will have less difficulties in solving them… Most importantly, “you should be able to laugh on yourself”.

A day without someone to hold you or a day without someone to share, is a day easily forgotten.’ – Vera Richardson in Mr Alhourani’s Dead Man’s Spots

When a man plans, a woman laughs.

The difference between doing something and not doing something is doing something.

The thought of talking about it made Pueblo’s gut ache, but then he thought of everything that Amy had been through – not that she’d told him her version yet. She had balls of steel,...

She didn’t want the medi-techs. She wanted a fucking candy bar. […] She reached down […] and chose a Galaxy bar […] “I’m going home.” “You didn’t pay for that,” Francois shouted after her. “Fuck...

Kevyn, I’m promoting you from Tech Sergeant to Munitions Commander. I want you to take responsibility for all Company weapons.Munitions Commander? Why me?I don’t know. Call it “suspicion of extreme competence” on my part.-Captain Tagon...

And I’m not saying it’s a bad song, you know, or anything like that. All I’m saying is that if you get, I don’t know, a broom, say, and dip it in some brake fluid,...

don’t make me throw my boot at you, because I will, you grumpy high testosterone driven male

Harder! Harder! Strike at it, for the gods’ sake! It’s a Parthian, not your grandmother! I swear if you don’t put some effort into— What?

Yefgenii said, “The Americans spent millions of dollars designing a pen that would work in space. What did we do?” Gevorkian’s head was down, his eyes were down. “What did we do?”Gevorkian lifted his head...

Graham Chapman, co-author of the “Parrot Sketch”, is no more. He has ceased to be. Bereft of life, he rests in peace. He’s kicked the bucket, hopped the twig, bit the dust, snuffed it, breathed...

It smells terrible in here.’Well, what do you expect? The human body, when confined, produces certain odors which we tend to forget in this age of deodorants and other perversions. Actually, I find the atmosphere...

My head’ll explode if I continue with this escapism.

‎”Your heart is in your chest. It supplies the blood to your cells. Even if you don’t think about it, your heart is always pumping. The heart is the most important organ in the body....

Chuck Norris CAN understand women.