Stop worrying about life, no one survived it.

I have no problem with god – it’s his fan club that scares me.

It just a fun game, until someone starts to win and then everyone else begins to cheat!

If you’re given a dirty look, wash it and give it back.

JOIN THE CIRCUS OF CHAOS … juggling, stilt walking, and other skills for socially acceptable procrastination.

Always blow your own trumpet, blowing someone else’s is unhygienic

A fit, healthy body—that is the best fashion statement

Wish in one hand, shit in the other, see which one fills up faster.

If you want to know what’s going on, keep your mind in the fridge or it might go off.

Frame everything and some of it will become art.

Iron deficiency can lead to a wardrobe full of crumpled clothes

I’ve found a great hiding place for all my money, down the drain

Great songs don’t grow on trees, yet lots of songs have been written on great trees

A sneeze can never be to far away

I moved out of my head office and went out of my mind.

Ignorance is bliss. Denial is the reaction to a painful truth.

Holly girl, you are all too human, I can assure you. Prickly and awkward and human, because that’s what witches are – human, that is, not necessarily the prickly and annoying bit. That’s just you.

Amazin’.’ he said again. ‘He just looks as though he’s thinking, right?”Er…yes.”But he’s not actually thinking?”Er…no.”So…he just gives the impression of thinking but really it’s just a show?”Er…yes.’Just like everyone else, then really,’ said Ridcully

Women are almost two thirds more likely than men to believe in God, a major study of attitudes among middle aged Britons has found, says The Telegraph. Well, men are twice more likely than God...

Short cuts make long delays.

Throwing blondes at Locke Lamora was not unlike throwing lettuce at sharks.

But with each step she took, Mythili realized why most people don’t go shopping alone. It’s because this mind of ours gets pretty damn busy. It starts analyzing every little stimulus you receive. And because...

You can’t give her that!’ she screamed. ‘It’s not safe!’IT’S A SWORD, said the Hogfather. THEY’RE NOT MEANT TO BE SAFE.’She’s a child!’ shouted Crumley.IT’S EDUCATIONAL.’What if she cuts herself?’THAT WILL BE AN IMPORTANT LESSON.

Wow,” a lot. Part of the brain exists to stop this from happening.

Chater: You dare to call me that. I demand satisfaction!Septimus: Mrs Chater demanded satisfaction and now you are demanding satisfaction. I cannot spend my time day and night satisfying the demands of the Chater family.

They’re horrible little creatures. All snot and smelly feet and pestering questions.””Then why did you go into teaching?””It was either that or sit at home with Mother all day. I picked the lesser of two...

A sense of humour is the only divine quality of man

I’ve learned one thing: you can only really get to know a person after a row. Only then can you judge their true character!

She took out a shiny folded pamphlet, the kind they kept stacked in clear plastic stands in hospital waiting rooms. “How to Come Out to Your Parents,” she read out loud. “LUKE. Don’t be ridiculous....

lose weight, eat backwards.

When the only exorcise you get is running for a bus, get more buses!

There was a piece of ornamental water immediately below the parapet, on the other side, into which Mr. James Harthouse had a very strong inclination to pitch Mr. Thomas Gradgrind Junior.

Are you scared? I understand. The first time I saw my reflection in the mirror, even I was frightened by how BIG my reflection was.

And don’t drop food.

I suddenly realize that I’m naked, which shouldn’t bother me since it’s the phone, but for some reason it does. “How’s it hanging?” Kyra asks and now I think I’m blushing. It’s just an expression,...

I mean really, how could an artistic individual stay grounded in the nitty-gritty of how many minutes per pound meat has to stay in the oven when trying to fathom the creative philosophy behind the...

She paused a moment.”Pepino, shall I tell all our dear friends our little secret?” she said. “If you say ‘no,’ I shan’t. But, please, Pepino–“Pepino, however, had been instructed to say ‘yes,’ and accordingly did...

Whew,’ he said, ‘I’m glad that’s over, Thomas. I’ve been feeling awfully bad about it.’ It was only too evident that he no longer did.

Who’s Kreacher?””The house-elf who lives here,” said Ron. “Nutter. Never met one like him.””He is not a nutter,” said Hermione.”His life’s ambition is to have his head cut off and stuck up on a plaque...

You seem to like helping, taking care of people,” he said. “That is admirable.””You enjoy being nurtured?””Well, that isn’t all you promise. When you touch me, I feel a fire at my center. You want...

They say that maths is a language. So how do I order a pizza with extra cheese in maths?

I’m going to photograph every single person to enter and leave this tattoo parlour.” Finbar rolled his eyes. “And they’ll hate that, because people who get dragons drawn on their backs are normally so shy...

I don’t deserve a soul, yet I still have one. I know because it hurts.

The groom should not see you in the dress just before the wedding, that’s bad luck. You know what’s worst luck? Is getting married, itself. I’ve read studies. It’s like 2 out of 3 of...

So what we are right now is a pair of dickweeds in a hotel room in Sydney. My life is royally fucked up right now and from where I’m sitting, your life is even bloody...

Humour sustains us during failure; more so after success, when we’re prone to fail that much more, daring abyss, pumped up with success.

I won’t have you calling me Miss Tuttle. That’s what the doc calls me. And the lady at the bank. One takes my temperature and the other my money. Friends don’t take anything—they give.

I have a head for business and a body for sin. Unfortunately, the sin appears to be gluttony.

There was a group of fans who wanted autographs, and several women who managed to write their phone numbers on Wade’s hand before he pulled free.Sam sent him an arched brow, but he just shrugged....

Does that mean that if we shave all the Ob’enn they’ll be nice?-Sergeant Schlock