A sneeze can never be to far away

I moved out of my head office and went out of my mind.

Iron deficiency can lead to a wardrobe full of crumpled clothes

I’ve found a great hiding place for all my money, down the drain

Frame everything and some of it will become art.

If you want to know what’s going on, keep your mind in the fridge or it might go off.

Great songs don’t grow on trees, yet lots of songs have been written on great trees

Amazin’.’ he said again. ‘He just looks as though he’s thinking, right?”Er…yes.”But he’s not actually thinking?”Er…no.”So…he just gives the impression of thinking but really it’s just a show?”Er…yes.’Just like everyone else, then really,’ said Ridcully

For instance, on the planet Earth, man had always assumed that he was more intelligent than dolphins because he had achieved so much—the wheel, New York, wars and so on—whilst all the dolphins had ever done was muck about in the water having a good time. But conversely, the dolphins had always believed that they...

A few years ago it dawned on me that everybody past a certain age … pretty much constantly dreams of being able to escape from their lives. They don’t want to be who they are any more. They want out. This list includes Thurston Howell the Third, Ann-Margret, the cat members of Rent, Václav Havel,...

When it comes to emotions, women know how to paint with the full set of oils, while men are busy doodling with crayons.

There was something strangely compelling about a Japanese guy with lamb-chop sideburns and a voice so shrill you could be forgiven for thinking his testicles were wired to the national grid.

Adams dealt him so sound a Compliment over his Face with his Fist, that the Blood immediately gushed out of his Nose in a Stream. The Host being unwilling to be outdone in Courtesy, especially by a Person of Adams’s Figure, returned the Favour with so much Gratitude, that the Parson’s Nostrils likewise began to...

Shouldn’t someone give a pep talk or something?” Minho asked, pulling Thomas’s attention away from Alby.”Go ahead,” Newt replied.Minho nodded and faced the crowd. “Be careful,” he said dryly. “Don’t die.

You’ll be alright,” I say, “Mum likes you.

Tag opened the door to his knock, and with a look of disappointment, peered behind Wade.”You got someone better coming over?” Wade asked him.”Pizza,” Tag said.

Yes, but none of them can steal my ship.None of them are smart enough to know that it was the right thing to do at the time.-Captain Tagon & Ennesby

I am irritated by my own writing. I am like a violinist whose ear is true, but whose fingers refuse to reproduce precisely the sound he hears within.

I also think pronunciation of a foreign tongue could be better taught than by demanding from the pupil those internal acrobatic feats that are generally impossible and always useless. This is the sort of instruction one recieves: ‘Press your tonsils against the underside of your larynx. Then with the convex part of the septum curved...

A man is known by the company of the phone he keeps.

I don’t like good habits. They strike me as being so easily broken.

when you step on fire no matter how far you ran your feet will still burn

How do you explain plastic to a medieval forest bard?

The wind was against them now, and Piglet’s ears streamed behind him like banners as he fought his way along, and it seemed hours before he got them into the shelter of the Hundred Acre Wood and they stood up straight again, to listen, a little nervously, to the roaring of the gale among the...

David had left her,taking his insane jealousy with him.

State your point. If the opposite party doesn’t agree, state it harder- with a punch.

…the more of a fool a man is, the less he cares to look like one

I had shaved my beard for her-a huge disappointment, because I’d enjoyed my three weeks looking like a bank robber.

Think for youself but not because I said so!

Odessa sighed. ‘When I said you were one of the smartest people in the company, I was referring solely to your technical abilities. Now get to work.

La loyauté de chacun d’eux —dont personne ne doutait— serait garantie par la présence des autres.

Fat people are funny … until obesity pays your loved one a visit.

Oh, I hate the cheap severity of abstract ethics!

Finalement, le plus grand bénéfice du métier d’humoriste, et plus généralement de l’attitude humoristique, dans la vie, c’est de pouvoir se comporter comme un salaud en toute impunité, et même de pouvoir grassement rentabiliser son abjection, en succès sexuels comme en numéraire, le tout avec l’approbation générale. (La possibilité d’une île, Daniel 1,1)

Amy: Pond and her boys . . . my poncho boys. If we’re going to die, let’s die looking like a peruvian folk band.

Did you slip in some cheese? Did it make you hate cheese, which you had previously loved? Why not sue a cheese-maker? Sue him for all the cheese he’s got, drive him out of the cheese-making business!Did you burn your face with an iron? Why not sue Prometheus, the god that invented fire? Or an...

The Professor doesn’t have a problem being called Dick? If my name was Richard, I’d go by Richard or Rich . . . not Dick. Hell, I’d even settle for being called Chard.

Laziness always wins.

Mitt Romney’s email was hacked! So if you start getting messages that sound like they’re from a bot, he’s fixed the problem.

What would your shoes say about the things you do everyday?

This faulty light fitting at the front door with the dangerously flickering bulb looks rather festive. Who says I don’t do Christmas?

So Beckendorf was pretty popular?” Leo asked. “I mean-before he blew up?

Do not fall in love…..it means you have to look at someone else.

Beetroot Cossins had moved to Kuala Lumpur where she had died of lethargy and pie.

Isn’t he cute? That he thinks he has a sense of humour?

Only a man with nothing to hide could make that kind of racket.

Im.’ The monosyllable was heavy with contempt. ‘’E’s a twat.’‘Is he?’‘Yeah, ’e is. Ask Kieran.’She gave the impression that she and Kieran stood together, sane, dispassionate observers of the idiots populating Lula’s world.

It would seem that you have no useful skill or talent whatsoever,” he said. “Have you thought of going into teaching?

Good character is Beauty

They’re horrible little creatures. All snot and smelly feet and pestering questions.””Then why did you go into teaching?””It was either that or sit at home with Mother all day. I picked the lesser of two evils.