JOIN THE CIRCUS OF CHAOS … juggling, stilt walking, and other skills for socially acceptable procrastination.

Always blow your own trumpet, blowing someone else’s is unhygienic

A fit, healthy body—that is the best fashion statement

Wish in one hand, shit in the other, see which one fills up faster.

Stop worrying about life, no one survived it.

I have no problem with god – it’s his fan club that scares me.

It just a fun game, until someone starts to win and then everyone else begins to cheat!

If you’re given a dirty look, wash it and give it back.

If you want to know what’s going on, keep your mind in the fridge or it might go off.

Frame everything and some of it will become art.

Great songs don’t grow on trees, yet lots of songs have been written on great trees

Iron deficiency can lead to a wardrobe full of crumpled clothes

I’ve found a great hiding place for all my money, down the drain

A sneeze can never be to far away

I moved out of my head office and went out of my mind.

Ignorance is bliss. Denial is the reaction to a painful truth.

Amazin’.’ he said again. ‘He just looks as though he’s thinking, right?”Er…yes.”But he’s not actually thinking?”Er…no.”So…he just gives the impression of thinking but really it’s just a show?”Er…yes.’Just like everyone else, then really,’ said Ridcully

Holly girl, you are all too human, I can assure you. Prickly and awkward and human, because that’s what witches are – human, that is, not necessarily the prickly and annoying bit. That’s just you.

Women are almost two thirds more likely than men to believe in God, a major study of attitudes among middle aged Britons has found, says The Telegraph. Well, men are twice more likely than God...

Short cuts make long delays.

An old joke has an Oxford professor meeting an American former graduate student and asking him what he’s working on these days. ‘My thesis is on the survival of the class system in the United...

If you’re getting chased by a lion, you don’t need to run faster than the lion, just the people running with you. – Tim Ferris

And where,” Socrates smiled, “is the universe?””The universe is well, there are theories about how it’s shaped…””That’s not what I asked. Where is it?””I don’t know – how can I answer that?””That is the point....

Women who seek advice from single women about getting a man is like asking a homeless man how to be rich.

Ye are a scoundrel, a black-hearted robber and a rogue,’ Stubble said cheerily to the grumbling captain. It was his usual way of haggling, and he’d beaten down the riverman to a decent price for...

The club is too loud to talk, so after a couple of drinks, everyone feels like the centre of attention but completely cut off from participating with anyone else. You’re the corpse in an English...

Donegan Bane and Gracious O’Callahan – the Monster Hunters. Adventurers, inventors, authors of Monster Hunting for Beginners and it’s sequels, Monster Hunting for Beginners is Probably Inadvisable and Seriously, Dude, Stop Monster Hunting.

I’ll buy you a stick for Christmas.

Never make a person feel, that he/she is very (extra) special.. Cause, then that person starts feeling that ‘You’ are not worth him/her.

You go to church to respect God, not the priest. By not going to church, you disrespect God, not the priest. – Don Camillo

WANNA YOU WANNA WEENIE ME?” The end kind of trailed off in a shrill, choking warble.

Humor is what happens when we’re told the truth quicker and more directly than we’re used to.

Is that a trick question?

I’d want to have sex with myself. All the time.

Maxim 4: Close air support covereth a multitude of sins.-The Seventy Maxims of Maximally Effective Mercenaries

Corvid looked up at her. “Oh, hello Doris.””Gertie, dear,” she said. “They call me Gertie.””You used to be Doris,” Corvid said as a matter of fact.”Who?” She seemed unsure of what she was being told.”Doris,...

Its done.’ Penteluck announced and scooped some onto a spoon for Zayne to drink.’No chance, you first. You’re already dead it won’t kill you if you drink it.’Penteluck frowned. ‘Zayne I’m already dead, how will...

Resilience, thy name is Devine.

I had always been warned that American didn’t always get sarcasm

I violently dislike you,’ she said, and then she was gone, slamming the door and leaving a sort of shocked silence behind.

It is a fool of a shepherd who culls his dogs.

I suppose it’s not a social norm, and not a manly thing to do — to feel, discuss feelings. So that’s what I’m giving the finger to. Social norms and stuff…what good are social norms,...

CUSTOMER: I don’t know why she wants it, but my wife asked for a copy of The Dinosaur Cookbook.BOOKSELLER: The Dinah Shore Cookbook?

I wasn’t saying whatever they’re saying I was saying. I’m sorry I said it really. I never meant it to be a lousy anti-religious thing. I apologize if that will make you happy. I still...

It’s a ballad, Alf, and to be honest, it’s one of the slowest songs I can think of. You’d have been better off doing a slow waltz to something with that tempo. The other factor...

You don’t scare me, Cadence Jones. I’ve lived with crazy, I’ve ridden with crazy, I’ve vacationed with crazy, I’ve visited crazy in various hospitals, I’ve sat in on therapy sessions with crazy. Frankly, I think...

110, 111 whatever it takes!”Michael Keaton character in Mr. Mom

You set fire to my house, killed my family, and ate my dog. But steal my boyfriend? That’s a step too far.

Another oral exam, huh?’ Peter said.’Shut up, Peter,’ said Valentine.’You should relax and enjoy it,’ said Peter. ‘It could be worse.”I don’t know how.”It could be an anal exam.

The only difference between the Democrats and the Republicans is that the Democrats allow the poor to be corrupt, too.