Always blow your own trumpet, blowing someone else’s is unhygienic

Stop worrying about life, no one survived it.

It just a fun game, until someone starts to win and then everyone else begins to cheat!

If you’re given a dirty look, wash it and give it back.

JOIN THE CIRCUS OF CHAOS … juggling, stilt walking, and other skills for socially acceptable procrastination.

If you want to know what’s going on, keep your mind in the fridge or it might go off.

Frame everything and some of it will become art.

Great songs don’t grow on trees, yet lots of songs have been written on great trees

Iron deficiency can lead to a wardrobe full of crumpled clothes

I’ve found a great hiding place for all my money, down the drain

A sneeze can never be to far away

I moved out of my head office and went out of my mind.

Ignorance is bliss. Denial is the reaction to a painful truth.

Amazin’.’ he said again. ‘He just looks as though he’s thinking, right?”Er…yes.”But he’s not actually thinking?”Er…no.”So…he just gives the impression of thinking but really it’s just a show?”Er…yes.’Just like everyone else, then really,’ said Ridcully

Holly girl, you are all too human, I can assure you. Prickly and awkward and human, because that’s what witches are – human, that is, not necessarily the prickly and annoying bit. That’s just you.

Short cuts make long delays.

Madness has no sense of humour

You ever noticed how people who believe in Creationism look really un-evolved? You ever noticed that? Eyes real close together, eyebrow ridges, big furry hands and feet. “I believe God created me in one day”....

The only way to survive is to have a sense of humour.

Think before you speak, unless it’s urgent

I am not sure,’ Mordecai told Thomas, ‘whether omens can be trusted.”Of course they can.”I should like to hear your reasons. But show me your urine first.”You said I was cured,’ Thomas protested. ‘Eternal vigilance,...

Frankly speaking, I’m not afraid of death. I don’t endeavour to avert its advent. But I don’t want to be a witness of it.

To Kalist, Baumauer’s just a timber bridge in need of a good hot fire.

Kalist is in his office with the door shut, secretly adding the final touches to his new Brichacek doll; she’s got rosy, plaster cheeks and his nose hairs for pubes, although he thinks he might...

Very often the test of one’s allegiance to a cause or to a people is precisely the willingness to stay the course when things are boring, to run the risk of repeating an old argument...

You should visit the Palatine. It’s at the top of that hill . . .””I know where the Palatine is, Dexter, I was visiting Rome before you were born.””Yes, who was emperor back then?

Politics is the entertainment branch of industry.

Right. Because if you have trouble putting ketchup and mustard on a hot dog, you should totally move on to saving lives.

What’s it like to be a living legend? A lot fucking better than being a dead one…” Geordie Selwyn, Appetite for Corruption

Since I had a soft spot for zombies and my curiosity was killing me, I opted for plan Z.

Valence passa une main sur ses yeux et quitta la fenêtre.-L’alcool est là, lui dit Néron en tendant les bras.

Jake became excruciatingly aware of her, there, right behind him. The small grunts and groans as she placed each foot carefully on the slick ground reverberated in his gut. He wanted to turn around and...

Trying is the first step towards failure

At some point I was a happy African feminist who does not hate men and who likes to wear lip gloss and high heels for herself and not for men.

It is Sunday afternoon, preferably before the war. The wife is already asleep in the armchair, and the children have been sent out for a nice long walk. You put your feet up on the...

That’s one way we differ, Jaime and I. He’s taller as well, you may have noticed.

I’m only saying what you won’t. He’s a hunk, admit it. A tall, dark, exotic hunk who wants to bed you, and you must be a fucking nun, because it’s been three weeks since you...

… and because they were fond of reading, she fancied them satirical: perhaps without exactly knowing what it was to be satirical; but that did not signify. It was censure in common use, and easily...

Right now I’ve got just two rules to live by.Rule one: don’t taunt elephants.Rule two: don’t stand next to anybody who taunts elephants.-Sergeant Schlock

It’s not revealing, it’s informative.

There’s an emergency link to the defence grid, but that’s only for use in the direst emergencies.” “And of course a mile-long unknown intruder approaching your main source of power isn’t an emergency?” Karan hesitated,...

It’s interesting to see that people had so much clutter even thousands of years ago. The only way to get rid of it all was to bury it, and then some archaeologist went and dug...

All good writers are weird. Proudly weird.

Failed relationships can be described as so much wasted make-up.

My dear, I don’t care what they do, so long as they don’t do it in the street and frighten the horses

Those sweet lips. My, oh my, I could kiss those lips all night long.Good things come to those who wait.

Oh, those hateful sods will never make it to Heaven. They’re all on an express elevator to the gay spit-roast dungeon in Hell. Within five minutes of kicking the bucket, they’ll have demon balls swollen...

What’s the difference between Yo Mama and a 747?-About 20 pounds.-Yo mama carries more passengers.-Not everyone’s been on a 747.

The only way to get through life is to laugh your way through it. You either have to laugh or cry. I prefer to laugh. Crying gives me a headache.

A celebrity farts, and everyone endures, but the unpopular will be thrased to death.