If you want to know what’s going on, keep your mind in the fridge or it might go off.

Great songs don’t grow on trees, yet lots of songs have been written on great trees

A sneeze can never be to far away

I moved out of my head office and went out of my mind.

Iron deficiency can lead to a wardrobe full of crumpled clothes

I’ve found a great hiding place for all my money, down the drain

Frame everything and some of it will become art.

What does Mrs Preston want to go abroad for?’ asked Mr Leslie.’I think her doctor wanted her to, Father,’ said Agnes.’Doctors!’ said Mr Leslie, wiping the whole of the Royal College of Physicians off the face of the world with this withering remark.

Heads swivel. Whispers erupt. As Kalist returns to his desk, bone cane by his side, he indulges, briefly, in horse practice, neighing lightly as he scrolls through a few mental images of busty secretary, Geiger, and pretty blond, Brichacek, rolling around in leather underwear on purple velvet bedsheets, then he stops and returns to reality,...

I love to pull at people’s heart strings, but I’m no Nicholas Sparks.

Right then, in a nutshell: this one hasn’t a single bone of obedient-little-wife material in her heavenly body.”Hasn’t she? Then what kind of bone does your expertise detect?’Fermin came closer, adopting a confidential tone. ‘The passionate kind,’ he said, raising his eyebrows with an air of mystery. ‘And you can be sure I mean that...

Awake,chaos:we have napped.

Time to start getting more sleep. This beautiful physique needs royal treatment.

No, she laughed.” How on earth could that be done? If you try to laugh and say ‘No’ at the same time, it sounds like neighing — yet people are perpetually doing it in novels. If they did it in real life they would be locked up.

Excuse me for a moment, will ye. I think I have to talk to the river,’ he said unsteadily and flopped over the side-rail.

Oh! That was poetry!” said Pippin. “Do you really mean to start before the break of day?

He’s turned his life around. He used to be depressed and miserable. Now he’s miserable and depressed.

Have to be honest with you Darquesse, I cannot feel that. That must be one of your special abilities, because to me, it looks like you just killed a whole bunch of people for no reason.””Oh,” said Darquesse. “That’s so sad

Do not take life too seriously. You will never get out of it alive.

Humour is the best weapon to fight any battle. But there is a thin line between humour and humiliation and beware not to cross it.

Because the first time they met…Y-da: “You know, Y-naga-san, the more makeup you put on, the more you look like a guy in drag. So I’m going to call you F-mio!”Y-naga: “I-I like this person!”The moment she fell in love.

How dense and literal it is. I thought it had a much more sophisticated brain.” “Your mother is dense,” Alif said wearily. “My mother was an errant crest of sea foam. But that is neither here nor there.

It took Pueblo a few seconds to take in his surroundings. The first thing he realised was that he felt bruised all over; the second was that his clothes were waterlogged, even more than before, from the quicksand; and the third, was that he had landed on his front and was lying on a large,...

I told her about the time that I got so tired of you stealing the sheets that in my sleep-weary logic I decided that the thing to do was to tie them around my legs, knot and all, and how, when you attempted to steal them that night, you ended up yanking me into you,...

I made a deal with sharks. I don’t swim near them and they don’t play cricket.

Curious about these new entities, the elementals asked why the gods were in the shape they were.”We are bipedal,” Erebus said. “We wish to be distinguished from the animals.””What are animals?” an elemental asked.”We’re not sure yet, but they will have more than two legs. Unless we give them less than two… or maybe not....

I often arrive at quite sensible ideas and judgements, on the spur of the moment. It is when I stop to think that I become foolish.

…trying to predict whether global warming will moderate the next ice age is not only impossible but irrelevant. It doesn’t help us get through the next few centuries. And one can only imagine our future, shivering, ice age descendants cursing us for leaving them no fossil fuel to create a global warming “greenhouse” effect when...

I always reminded myself that this wasn’t exactly where I was meant to be, but pit stops are okay on the road of life, aren’t they?

Will laughed. ‘I now know why fate linked you with Xav. You are going to tease each other unmercifully.’Victorthrew down a card. ‘Might make the world a little safer for the rest of us then.”Unless they turn their powers jointly on us,’ suggested Sky, her old sparkle back in her eyes.The Benedict brothers groaned in...

Economics is extremely useful as a form of employment for economists.

The human body is the best work of art.

CUSTOMER (to their friend): God, the Famous Five titles realy were crap, weren’t they? Five Go Camping. Five Go Off in a Caravan…. If it was Five Go Down To a Crack House it might be a bit more exciting.

It’s a shame that we have to choose between two such second-rate countries as the USSR and the USA.

Call it a personal foible. Some people are scared of spiders. I’m scared of immolation. Also spiders.

Fredrika Bimm, what do you think you’re doing?””Freaking out. Losing my mind. Thinking about snapping your husband’s spine. Squashing the urge to vomit. Wishing I had died at childbirth.””Oh, you say that when you don’t get a prize in your Lucky Charms.

The church has never been asked to explain anything, our speciality, along with ballistics, has always been the neutralisation of the overly curious mind through faith.

For a moment, Simon’s sympathetic nervous system forgot he was arachnophobic. The sight of those spindly legs rising, like an ink drawing popping out of paper into three-dimensional space, should have caused a surge of adrenaline, a yelp of panic, and at least three feet of involuntary back-peddling.

I was coming down off the last painkiller left in my dresser drawer after Autumn tossed my stash. In that moment I was so groggy and happy I would have accepted a date with Oscar the Grouch – and planned to do some serious feeling up on the green furry beast too. Yeah, stooping to...

The second orgasm has a biblical connotation.

So it’s off with the shellsuit and on with the Armanis,Bring out the champagne and the caviar sarnies

Sometimes he was weird, sometimes he was Captain Douchebag, but he was always my best friend.

I love Sherlock Holmes. I’ve got all his books, leather-bound. What I thought was great about Sherlock Holmes was that not only was he a supersleuth, he was also a hard worker. Not only did he go out and solve the crimes, he came home and wrote it all down. Fantastic. That’s why I admire...

Everywhere that we looked, were objects & artifacts reminiscent of a bygone age. of war & destruction, of mankind’s determination to rule his neighbour, to prove how mighty he and his people are, yet a romance of days past that I am drawn to like a soul lost and hearing his lovers cries to him

I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to be a dickhead. Well, I did.

Nothing can be more notorious than the calumnies and invectives with which the wisest measures and most virtuous characters of The United States have been pursued and traduced [By American Newspapers]

If I had one wish, it would be for self-drying pants. Wait — no! Unlimited wishes! How do I return these stupid pants?!

Aim towards enemy.” – instructions on U.S. rocket launcher

Anyone who says “Trust me” is the last motherfucker you should ever trust.

According to Festus, our flying table, Buford, made it back safely while we were in Charleston, so those eagles didn’t get him. Unfortunately, he lost the laundry bag with your pants.””Dang it!” Frank Barked, which Leo figured was probably severe profanity for him.No doubt Frank would’ve cursed some more -busting out the golly gees and...