A philosopher is a blind man in a dark room looking for a black cat that isn’t there. A theologian is the man who finds it.

Somebody would think I was trying to get favored treatment because my ancestors had the name Moon. And that’s a joke.

The combination of ammonia and chloride can be lethal but I’ve discovered it can work miracles as long as you keep telling yourself, “I want to love, I want to live…

I used to joke I was a point-and-click actor. My whole process has been about trusting your instincts and hitting your mark.

My way of joking is to tell the truth. That’s the funniest joke in the world.

Yo Mama’s so fat her butt cheeks have different area codes.

Well, enough of this introspection. It’s depressing, quite frankly.

We end up kissing her for an hour, and her lips are so soft they are almost like a joke.

Llevamos el circo en la sangre.

I joke that my niche in Hollywood has been naked foreigners.

I laugh and joke, but I don’t get distracted very easily.

The moment you think of a joke is the best moment.

I recall the story of the philosopher and the theologian… The two were engaged in disputation and the theologian used the old quip about a philosopher resembling a blind man, in a dark room, looking...

But—let me tell you my cat joke. It’s very short and simple. A hostess is giving a dinner party and she’s got a lovely five-pound T-bone steak sitting on the sideboard in the kitchen waiting...

Is this Clarissa Fray?” The voice on the other end of the phone sounded familiar, though not immediately identifiable.Clary twirled the phone cord nervously around her finger. “Yeees?””Hi, I’m one of the knife-carrying hooligans you...

Trying to be offensive for the sole purpose of being offensive should always deem one the least offensive of offenders.

The joke loses everything when the joker laughs himself.

You learn what can become a good joke and can be repeatable. You have a shorthand about how to introduce a joke to someone.

Yo Mama’s so ugly, her Mama had to tie a steak around her neck to get the dogs to play with her.

Your… Your aura. It’s… amazing. It’s shining. I mean, it always shines, but today… Well I’ve never seen anything like it. I didn’t expect that after everything that happened.’I shifted around uncomfortably. If I lit...

I’m trying. My mouth keeps moving of its own accord.

It ain’t no joke when you lose your vinyl.

It’s unpleasantly like being drunk.” “What’s so unpleasant about being drunk?” “You ask a glass of water.

I am enlightened.

…, and sometimes there’s just no point in arguing with him. “Yeah, okay ‘me, Jeff, and Evan, sitting in a tree…'”Chris claps his hands triumphantly. “That’s right, baby!” Than a more serious expression comes across...

Chuck Norris CAN understand women.

The joke of our time is the suicide of intention.

I joke, but only half joke, that if you show up in an American hospital missing a finger, no one will believe you until they get a CAT scan, MRI and orthopedic consult.

Anyone else find it funny that Bernie Madoff’s last name is a homophone of ‘made-off’?

Each one you take is a commitment. If you break that commitment, the gods of alcohol will punish you with a hangover so bad you’ll think Satan himself took a dump on you. -Milo

What do you call a rifle with three barrels?A trifle.

CUSTOMER: I’m always on night shift at work.BOOKSELLER (jokingly): Is that why you’re buying so many vampire novels?CUSTOMER (seriously): You can never be too prepared.

When it comes to Spam, … we get the joke.

I’m financially ugly.

For the advice in a joke is sometimes more useful than the most serious teaching.

It is better to doubt that a concept is stupidly flying under your head than profoundly flying over your head.

Joe is 3/4ths of a joke. 75% of politicians are jokes too, only the punchlines are the voters, and that kind of humor I just don’t find funny.

When I’m up on stage and do a joke, half the people interpret it one way and half of them interpret it the way I want them to.

Yo Mama’s so ugly that your father takes her to work with him so that he doesn’t have to kiss her goodbye.

When we perceive aliens as a joke to be laughed at,they feel so pity for us on the success of their plans.

In fact, it used to be a joke if you studied at a University.

Joke ’em if they can’t take a fuck.

People tell me I look like my father. I’ve never seen my dad, so does that mean I look invisible?

The joke is generally in the oddest way the truth and yet not the fact.

When I become the village idiot, or at least, it starts to become a joke, you can’t do that much longer.

The signs of excessive indulgence in this destructive pastime are easily detectable. They are these: A disposition to eat, to drink, to smoke, to meet together convivially, to laugh, to joke, and tell indelicate stories—...

My old man taught me to never trust anything that bleeds for three days and doesn’t die.

Humour is for them the all-consoling and (mark this) the all-excusing, grace of life. Hence, it is invaluable as a means of destroying shame. If a man simply lets others pay for him, he is...

We live in such a cynical, postmodern society that if you are offended by something like this, people say, ‘Lighten up, it’s ironic, it’s a joke.’ And that’s really nice if you’re a student of...

No man should marry until he has studied anatomy and dissected at least one woman.