I joke, but only half joke, that if you show up in an American hospital missing a finger, no one will believe you until they get a CAT scan, MRI and orthopedic consult.

Anyone else find it funny that Bernie Madoff’s last name is a homophone of ‘made-off’?

Each one you take is a commitment. If you break that commitment, the gods of alcohol will punish you with a hangover so bad you’ll think Satan himself took a dump on you. -Milo

What do you call a rifle with three barrels?A trifle.

CUSTOMER: I’m always on night shift at work.BOOKSELLER (jokingly): Is that why you’re buying so many vampire novels?CUSTOMER (seriously): You can never be too prepared.

When it comes to Spam, … we get the joke.

I’m financially ugly.

For the advice in a joke is sometimes more useful than the most serious teaching.

It is better to doubt that a concept is stupidly flying under your head than profoundly flying over your head.

Joe is 3/4ths of a joke. 75% of politicians are jokes too, only the punchlines are the voters, and that kind of humor I just don’t find funny.

When I’m up on stage and do a joke, half the people interpret it one way and half of them interpret it the way I want them to.

Yo Mama’s so ugly that your father takes her to work with him so that he doesn’t have to kiss her goodbye.

When we perceive aliens as a joke to be laughed at,they feel so pity for us on the success of their plans.

In fact, it used to be a joke if you studied at a University.

Joke ’em if they can’t take a fuck.

People tell me I look like my father. I’ve never seen my dad, so does that mean I look invisible?

The joke is generally in the oddest way the truth and yet not the fact.

When I become the village idiot, or at least, it starts to become a joke, you can’t do that much longer.

The signs of excessive indulgence in this destructive pastime are easily detectable. They are these: A disposition to eat, to drink, to smoke, to meet together convivially, to laugh, to joke, and tell indelicate stories— and mainly, a yearning to paint pictures.

My old man taught me to never trust anything that bleeds for three days and doesn’t die.

Humour is for them the all-consoling and (mark this) the all-excusing, grace of life. Hence, it is invaluable as a means of destroying shame. If a man simply lets others pay for him, he is ‘mean,’ but if he boasts of it in a jocular manner and twits his fellows with having been scored off,...

We live in such a cynical, postmodern society that if you are offended by something like this, people say, ‘Lighten up, it’s ironic, it’s a joke.’ And that’s really nice if you’re a student of art history. But how many 10-year-olds talk about irony? When you get teased, it doesn’t make it any better to...

No man should marry until he has studied anatomy and dissected at least one woman.

I’ve just finished reading some of my early papers, and you know, when I’d finished I said to myself, ‘Rutherford, my boy, you used to be a damned clever fellow.’ (1911)

Yo Mama’s so old, her memory is in black and white.

I want someone that I can have fun with and laugh with. I love to laugh, and I’m really sarcastic, so it’s important that she can take a joke. I think if you are going to be with someone for a while, you really need someone you can let loose with and let go of...

I was smiling yesterday,I am smiling today and I will smile tomorrow.Simply because life is too short to cry for anything.

The art world is the biggest joke going. It’s a rest home for the overprivileged, the pretentious, and the weak.

An assumption is the joke; truth the punchline.

Being a Muslim is not a joke but a challenge. If you think it is, come and live in Pakistan where you will know about Muslims’ enemies around the globe

If a black black cat crosses your path, it suggests that the animal is going somewhere.

Clap your hands, stomp your feet, praise the Lord, we got some heat!

Thanks. Seriously, you must have better things to do with your life than waste it on the hopeless?”I’ve already learned Parseltongue. What else is there?”Elvish.

I’m a Neuroscientist.- What’s that? What do you study?- I study your brain!

Taft, I feel, has kind of made a joke out of all of us.

Life’s too short to take yourself seriously, and too long to take a wife jokingly.

U.S. soldiers, with whom I now have more than a passing acquaintance, joke that they track my movements in order to know where they will be deployed next.

Housekeeping ain’t no joke.

People will say,”there’s heaven and hell”, and they take it so serious that they look so sorrowful with penitence. I would rather ask them to show me the route that leads to heaven or hell.

My favorite people are the ones that can make any unfunny joke hilarious by just laughing.

Nature never jests.

In eternity there is no time, only an instant long enough for a joke.

Someone once told me a joke,” he said. “I’d like to be a pacifist, but people keep getting in the way.’ I made a decision to fight for my friend in prison. It was a deliberate decision. It isn’t the only way-it’s just something I decided.

Everything I say is a joke. I am a joke myself.

Superman once challenged Chuck Norris to a fight, the loser had to wear his underwear on the outside.

I definitely believe marijuana helps with menstruation. Since I started smoking pot, my girlfriend’s period has become painless for me

Happiness is a big joke; let us laugh at it loud.

Don’t stop there. I suppose there are also, what, vampires and werewolves and zombies?””Of course there are. Although you mostly find zombies farther south, where the voudun priests are.””What about mummies? Do they only hang around Egypt?””Don’t be ridiculous. No one believes in mummies.

Richard Feynman was fond of giving the following advice on how to be a genius. You have to keep a dozen of your favorite problems constantly present in your mind, although by and large they will lay in a dormant state. Every time you hear or read a new trick or a new result, test...

It’s not a joke if it’s not entirely clear. But most jokes play off of ambiguity and sudden juxtaposition, so a joke has to be clearly unclear.