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Joke  Quotes
A philosopher is a blind man in a dark room looking for a black cat that isn’t there. A theologian is the man who finds it.

—H.L. Mencken

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Black-CatBlindCat
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The author meant it as a joke, Mr. Langdon. Ionic means containing ions—electrically charged particles. Most objects contain them.

—Dan Brown

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ArchitectureCharged-ParticlesCommon-Mistake
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Everyone says “i will never” and “one should never” but, actually, “No one can Resist Miss-using Power (at-least ones) when they have it”.

—honeya

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Double-StandardHomourHoumor
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C: What do you get when a giant sneezes?Out of the way. – Marigold

—Jean Ferris

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If I can’t face my accusers, that’s a joke. We did that in medieval times.

—Lance Armstrong

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FaceJokeTimes
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There is a somewhat time-worn joke about people taking up library work because they like to read : the joke consisting of the fact that librarians have so little time to read. But, I tell...

—Mary Virginia

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BooksJokeLibrarians
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. . . I still wouldn’t be able to control myself around him, and I’m math geek enough to know that equation doesn’t work out.

—Robin Brande

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HumorJokeLust
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Yes, Marshall.” I gnawed on my fingers some more and sunk back in my chair.

—Chanelle Gray

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AmerieJokeMarshall
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One can never have enough socks,” said Dumbledore. “Another Christmas has come and gone and I didn’t get a single pair. People will insist on giving me books.

—J.K. Rowling

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BooksChristmasDeathly-Hallows
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Some people use laughter as a weapon. It’s all very funny until someone loses an eye. But then I guess it just makes the joke even funnier, because you never see it coming.

—Jarod Kintz

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That awkward moment when you realize someone was actually home the whole time you were singing on the tops of your lungs.

—Kasey Collin

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Chuck Norris will never have a heart attack. His heart isn’t nearly foolish enough to attack him.

—Oliver Oliver

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I am alergic to these flowers.-I know.

—Non know

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You are where your brain is but not where a front-page headline is.

—Santosh Kalwar

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BrainFront-PageHead
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Dick Martin, if you put a gun to his forehead, he couldn’t tell you a joke.

—Bob Newhart

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GunJokeMartin
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I told the joke, but someone else got the high five. That’s like me drinking a cup of coffee and a guy in a coma waking up. Go back to bed, buddy.

—Jarod Kintz

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No, we are building a joke.”

—Jarod Kintz

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Make it dark, make it grim, make it tough, but then, for the love of God, tell a joke.

—Joss Whedon

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Yo Mama’s like a library, open to the public.

—Oliver Oliver

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Funniest-JokesFunnyFunny-And-Random
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All he cares about is going out there with his Jack Daniels bottle. Nothing has changed. That’s kind of sad. If David was doing better than he used to be, then that would be different....

—Sammy Hagar

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ChangedJoke
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Here at the shop we joke that none of us would know how to cast if the wind stopped blowing.

—Travis Wolfe

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Joke
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An old joke has an Oxford professor meeting an American former graduate student and asking him what he’s working on these days. ‘My thesis is on the survival of the class system in the United...

—Christopher Hitchens

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ClassHumourJoke
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Why do we have to humiliate someone to crack a joke??? Do what u would like people to do with u..

—honeya

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HillariousHumorHumour
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I ought to be jealous of the tower. She is more famous than I am.

—Gustave Eiffel

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Viktor was swinging a leather duffle and wearing a black Adidas tracksuit and his favorite brown UGG slippers with a hole in the toe.”Worn and old, just like Viv,” he’d say when Frankie made fun...

—Lisi Harrison

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For with dandies, a joke is the only way of making yourself respected.

—

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DandyHumorIrony
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Honey, no offense, but sometimes I think I could shoot you and watch you kick.

—Raymond Carver

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It is a joke, an absolute nonsense to even suggest such things.

—Ben Thatcher

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Joke
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Be careful not to appear obsessively intellectual. When intelligence fills up, it overflows a parody.

—Criss Jami

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A wink and a smirk walk into a bar, and the bartender asked them what they were drinking, when all of the sudden a mustache in a cowboy hat riding a vagina runs through the...

—Jarod Kintz

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AlcoholBarBartender
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Reader: Dear Mr. Snicket, What is the best way to keep a secret? Lemony Snicket : Tell it to everyone you know, but pretend you are kidding.

—Lemony Snicket

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Chuck Norris can unscramble an egg.

—Oliver Oliver

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UFO is a joke when there ain’t mystery in the sky.

—Toba Beta

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JokeMysteryUfo
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…I take photographs and I film my own home movies, I have a darkroom as well… but I can’t be a photojournalist like you… I can’t be anything… still, at least I can take photographs,...

—Unknown Author

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AlarmApril-Fool-SBlow-Up
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What happened when the Verb asked the noun to conjugate? She said “no-no!”, forgot the “o” and decided to become a nun!

—Ana Claudia Antunes

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The trouble with aggressive nonsmokers is that they feel they are doing you a favor by not allowing you to smoke. They seem to think that one day you’ll look back and thank them for...

—David Sedaris

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FunnyHumorJoke
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I’d like to think I’d never do a gratuitous fart joke.

—Harold Ramis

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FartGratuitousJoke
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I said I kicked a French chicken in the stomach once.” “Huh?” “It said, ‘Oeuf.'” “What is that?” “It’s a joke. Do you want to hear another, or have you already had un oeuf?

—Jonathan Safran

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FrenchJoke
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Yo Mama’s so fat, her ass has its own congressman!

—Oliver Oliver

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Woman troubles, heartbreak, Twilight ending? Whatever bugs your mind.”-Jared

—Sheena Hutchinson

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I never stopped joking around long enough to realize you weren’t laughing anymore.

—Alexandra Potter

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JokeLaugh
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These days every morning begins like a joke you think you have heard before, but there is no one telling it whom you can stop. One day it’s about a cow who walks into a...

—Billy Collins

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JokeLifeLife-And-Living
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Never make a person feel, that he/she is very (extra) special.. Cause, then that person starts feeling that ‘You’ are not worth him/her.

—honeya

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CoupleDivorceDivorce-Humor
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What other culture could have produced someone like Hemingway and not seen the joke?

—Gore Vidal

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CultureJokeSeen
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I joke that a person of color would never make a movie like ‘Midnight in Paris.’ Nostalgia isn’t so enticing.

—Meshell NdegeOcello

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ColorJokeMovie
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If Pac-Man had affected us as kids, we’d all be running around in dark rooms, munching pills and listening to repetitive electronic music.

—Marcus Brigstocke

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GamesHumorInfluence
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Historically, Heathrow has been something of a joke, outweighed by its excellent connections. We have to aspire to having an airport at Heathrow with two runways which is a world-class airport. It’s a big challenge.

—Philip Hammond

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ChallengeExcellentJoke
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Investigation?” Isabelle laughed. “Now we’re detectives? Maybe we should all have code names.””Good idea,” said Jace. “I shall be Baron Hotschaft Von Hugenstein.

—Cassandra Clare

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HumorInvestigationIsabelle-Lightwood
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I typically start out almost every speech I give making some kind of joke about me being in a wheelchair.

—Greg Abbott

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AlmostJokeStart
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What did the zombie say to the whore? Keep the tip!

—Diana Rowland

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JokeVaginal-FantasyZombies
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