A philosopher is a blind man in a dark room looking for a black cat that isn’t there. A theologian is the man who finds it.

When I was coaching with the Patriots, the players pulled a practical joke and I said, ‘Do you think I’m Charlie the Tuna, like a sucker?’ After that, they called me Tuna.

Sometimes you feel as though you’ve slandered yourself, but the joke’s on them.

I started studying law, but this I could stand just for one semester. I couldn’t stand more. Then I studied languages and literature for two years. After two years I passed an examination with the...

I used to joke that it was an off week for me,

Yo Mama sucks so much d***, her lips went double platinum.

Everyone’s in on the joke as it were,

In the end, perhaps we should simply imagine a joke; a long joke that’s continually retold in an accent too thick and strange to ever be completely understood. Life is that joke my friends. The...

Puns are just another form of sarcasm, which may or may not make you – smile, giggle, or laugh.

I never was so immensely tickled by anything I had ever said before. I actually woke up twice during the night, and laughed till the bed shook.

Never ever make a joke to the police, they have no sense of humour. Never make a political joke, it will always be considered an insult. Always remember that umbrage can be taken by the...

Laugh until you cry;never let your eyes look dryThis is not a matter of joke;this is all to provokeour sense of humourLife is its own consumer!

Its crazy when people of high moral standards, feel its okay for an intimate friend to insult them in a jovial way, forgeting that even casual friends can do just the same in a jovial...

Getting some redecorating ideas?’ Nico asked. ‘Maybe you could do your dining room in mediaeval monk skulls.’ Hades arched an eyebrow. ‘I can never tell when you’re joking.

What’s cool about Twitter is that you can make a joke about something very of-the-moment or random that I wouldn’t be able to joke about in stand-up.

The man looked on him strangely before it finally dawned on him. ‘Oh, me brothers are fine – I just quit drinking.

The Rock and Roll Hall of Fame is a joke – the fact that Madonna is in before Rush and Kiss. Those two bands have influenced so many groups and people other than in metal.

What is the meaning of having more than one wife when threesome is not allowed?

When Chuck Norris calls 911 it’s to ask if everything is ok.

The past, the present, and the future walked into a bar. It was tense.

I was not born with English in my pocket.

When you’re going for a joke, you’re stuck out there if it doesn’t work. There’s nowhere to go. You’ve done the drum role and the cymbal clash and you’re out on the end of the...

For years and years, I was beset with snide remarks by certain members of the press, where they would turn John Oates into a joke, or they would trivialize what I do, which never really...

There was a seminar for advanced students in Zürich that I was teaching and von Neumann was in the class. I came to a certain theorem, and I said it is not proved and it...

The joke about SAP has always been, it’s making ’50s German manufacturing methodology, implemented in 1960s software technology, delivered to 1970-style manufacturing organizations, like, it’s really – yeah, the incumbency – they are still the...

What’s the difference between Yo Mama and a 747?-About 20 pounds.-Yo mama carries more passengers.-Not everyone’s been on a 747.

Existentialists are monumentally and monotonously serious; they don’t like to joke.

At my urgent request the Curie laboratory, in which radium was discovered a short time ago, was shown to me. The Curies themselves were away travelling. It was a cross between a stable and a...

The author meant it as a joke, Mr. Langdon. Ionic means containing ions—electrically charged particles. Most objects contain them.

Everyone says “i will never” and “one should never” but, actually, “No one can Resist Miss-using Power (at-least ones) when they have it”.

C: What do you get when a giant sneezes?Out of the way. – Marigold

If I can’t face my accusers, that’s a joke. We did that in medieval times.

There is a somewhat time-worn joke about people taking up library work because they like to read : the joke consisting of the fact that librarians have so little time to read. But, I tell...

. . . I still wouldn’t be able to control myself around him, and I’m math geek enough to know that equation doesn’t work out.

Yes, Marshall.” I gnawed on my fingers some more and sunk back in my chair.

One can never have enough socks,” said Dumbledore. “Another Christmas has come and gone and I didn’t get a single pair. People will insist on giving me books.

Some people use laughter as a weapon. It’s all very funny until someone loses an eye. But then I guess it just makes the joke even funnier, because you never see it coming.

That awkward moment when you realize someone was actually home the whole time you were singing on the tops of your lungs.

Chuck Norris will never have a heart attack. His heart isn’t nearly foolish enough to attack him.

I am alergic to these flowers.-I know.

You are where your brain is but not where a front-page headline is.

Dick Martin, if you put a gun to his forehead, he couldn’t tell you a joke.

I told the joke, but someone else got the high five. That’s like me drinking a cup of coffee and a guy in a coma waking up. Go back to bed, buddy.

No, we are building a joke.”

Make it dark, make it grim, make it tough, but then, for the love of God, tell a joke.

Yo Mama’s like a library, open to the public.

All he cares about is going out there with his Jack Daniels bottle. Nothing has changed. That’s kind of sad. If David was doing better than he used to be, then that would be different....

Here at the shop we joke that none of us would know how to cast if the wind stopped blowing.

An old joke has an Oxford professor meeting an American former graduate student and asking him what he’s working on these days. ‘My thesis is on the survival of the class system in the United...

Why do we have to humiliate someone to crack a joke??? Do what u would like people to do with u..