Existentialists are monumentally and monotonously serious; they don’t like to joke.

I am alergic to these flowers.-I know.

In the end, perhaps we should simply imagine a joke; a long joke that’s continually retold in an accent too thick and strange to ever be completely understood. Life is that joke my friends. The soul is the punch line.

Here at the shop we joke that none of us would know how to cast if the wind stopped blowing.

I don’t even pretend to believe I know everything; I just believe in arguments God told me I had a pretty good chance of winning, while I was traveling through hell.

In fact, it used to be a joke if you studied at a University.

I’m trying. My mouth keeps moving of its own accord.

At nine, my mom used to tell me she saw an Olympic medalist in me. I used to take it as a joke, but she was very serious.

I was not born with English in my pocket.

I was smiling yesterday,I am smiling today and I will smile tomorrow.Simply because life is too short to cry for anything.

I definitely believe marijuana helps with menstruation. Since I started smoking pot, my girlfriend’s period has become painless for me

When it comes to Spam, … we get the joke.

There is a somewhat time-worn joke about people taking up library work because they like to read : the joke consisting of the fact that librarians have so little time to read. But, I tell you, those who do not, and there are some, are in the wrong profession.

Make it dark, make it grim, make it tough, but then, for the love of God, tell a joke.

I used to joke that it was an off week for me,

…, and sometimes there’s just no point in arguing with him. “Yeah, okay ‘me, Jeff, and Evan, sitting in a tree…'”Chris claps his hands triumphantly. “That’s right, baby!” Than a more serious expression comes across his face. “But, in a tree? Really? I mean, im a not an expert on the gay sex thing, but...

When I become the village idiot, or at least, it starts to become a joke, you can’t do that much longer.

You learn what can become a good joke and can be repeatable. You have a shorthand about how to introduce a joke to someone.

That awkward moment when you realize someone was actually home the whole time you were singing on the tops of your lungs.

Yo Mama’s so fat, her ass has its own congressman!

Sorry, no professionals.

Clap your hands, stomp your feet, praise the Lord, we got some heat!

Yo Mama’s so ugly, her Mama had to tie a steak around her neck to get the dogs to play with her.

Yo Mama’s so ugly, her dentist treats her by mail order.

Chuck Norris can divide by zero.

For some, the left testicle is larger than the right one. For Chuck Norris, each testicle is larger than the other one.

I joke that a person of color would never make a movie like ‘Midnight in Paris.’ Nostalgia isn’t so enticing.

As many as thirty or as few as ten years later, lying exhausted and still, eyes open in the dark long after the three suns of Rakhat had set, no longer bleeding, past the vomiting, enough beyond the shock to think again, it would occur to Emilio Sandoz to wonder if perhaps that day int...

Sometimes When You Are Serious, People Thought You Were Joking, But Sometimes When You Are Joking, People Thought You Were Serious

I am enlightened.

Joe is 3/4ths of a joke. 75% of politicians are jokes too, only the punchlines are the voters, and that kind of humor I just don’t find funny.

I like writing a joke, and I like when a joke works, and I like other comics who tell jokes.

What did the zombie say to the whore? Keep the tip!

People tell me I look like my father. I’ve never seen my dad, so does that mean I look invisible?

Richard Feynman was fond of giving the following advice on how to be a genius. You have to keep a dozen of your favorite problems constantly present in your mind, although by and large they will lay in a dormant state. Every time you hear or read a new trick or a new result, test...

An assumption is the joke; truth the punchline.

Someone once told me a joke,” he said. “I’d like to be a pacifist, but people keep getting in the way.’ I made a decision to fight for my friend in prison. It was a deliberate decision. It isn’t the only way-it’s just something I decided.

These days every morning begins like a joke you think you have heard before, but there is no one telling it whom you can stop. One day it’s about a cow who walks into a bar, then about a man with a big nose on his honeymoon, then about a kangaroo who walks into a...

One can never have enough socks,” said Dumbledore. “Another Christmas has come and gone and I didn’t get a single pair. People will insist on giving me books.

A philosopher is a blind man in a dark room looking for a black cat that isn’t there. A theologian is the man who finds it.

Somebody would think I was trying to get favored treatment because my ancestors had the name Moon. And that’s a joke.

The art world is the biggest joke going. It’s a rest home for the overprivileged, the pretentious, and the weak.

He and I have a neat rapport. He was trying to set up a deal where, if he broke the state record by 120 points, I’d have to shave my head. We joke around a lot about a lot of things. I want to make high school fun for him because he’s diving against some...

Taft, I feel, has kind of made a joke out of all of us.

When I was coaching with the Patriots, the players pulled a practical joke and I said, ‘Do you think I’m Charlie the Tuna, like a sucker?’ After that, they called me Tuna.

Yes, Marshall.” I gnawed on my fingers some more and sunk back in my chair.

What’s cool about Twitter is that you can make a joke about something very of-the-moment or random that I wouldn’t be able to joke about in stand-up.

Perhaps you are Coyote in disguise and have chosen a spectacularly inappropriate time for a joke.

It ain’t no joke when you lose your vinyl.

I’m a Neuroscientist.- What’s that? What do you study?- I study your brain!