A philosopher is a blind man in a dark room looking for a black cat that isn’t there. A theologian is the man who finds it.

What’s cool about Twitter is that you can make a joke about something very of-the-moment or random that I wouldn’t be able to joke about in stand-up.

The man looked on him strangely before it finally dawned on him. ‘Oh, me brothers are fine – I just quit drinking.

The Rock and Roll Hall of Fame is a joke – the fact that Madonna is in before Rush and Kiss. Those two bands have influenced so many groups and people other than in metal.

What is the meaning of having more than one wife when threesome is not allowed?

When Chuck Norris calls 911 it’s to ask if everything is ok.

The past, the present, and the future walked into a bar. It was tense.

I was not born with English in my pocket.

When you’re going for a joke, you’re stuck out there if it doesn’t work. There’s nowhere to go. You’ve done the drum role and the cymbal clash and you’re out on the end of the...

For years and years, I was beset with snide remarks by certain members of the press, where they would turn John Oates into a joke, or they would trivialize what I do, which never really...

There was a seminar for advanced students in Zürich that I was teaching and von Neumann was in the class. I came to a certain theorem, and I said it is not proved and it...

The joke about SAP has always been, it’s making ’50s German manufacturing methodology, implemented in 1960s software technology, delivered to 1970-style manufacturing organizations, like, it’s really – yeah, the incumbency – they are still the...

What’s the difference between Yo Mama and a 747?-About 20 pounds.-Yo mama carries more passengers.-Not everyone’s been on a 747.

Existentialists are monumentally and monotonously serious; they don’t like to joke.

At my urgent request the Curie laboratory, in which radium was discovered a short time ago, was shown to me. The Curies themselves were away travelling. It was a cross between a stable and a...

The author meant it as a joke, Mr. Langdon. Ionic means containing ions—electrically charged particles. Most objects contain them.

Everyone says “i will never” and “one should never” but, actually, “No one can Resist Miss-using Power (at-least ones) when they have it”.

C: What do you get when a giant sneezes?Out of the way. – Marigold

If I can’t face my accusers, that’s a joke. We did that in medieval times.

There is a somewhat time-worn joke about people taking up library work because they like to read : the joke consisting of the fact that librarians have so little time to read. But, I tell...

. . . I still wouldn’t be able to control myself around him, and I’m math geek enough to know that equation doesn’t work out.

Yes, Marshall.” I gnawed on my fingers some more and sunk back in my chair.

One can never have enough socks,” said Dumbledore. “Another Christmas has come and gone and I didn’t get a single pair. People will insist on giving me books.

Some people use laughter as a weapon. It’s all very funny until someone loses an eye. But then I guess it just makes the joke even funnier, because you never see it coming.

That awkward moment when you realize someone was actually home the whole time you were singing on the tops of your lungs.

Chuck Norris will never have a heart attack. His heart isn’t nearly foolish enough to attack him.

I am alergic to these flowers.-I know.

You are where your brain is but not where a front-page headline is.

Dick Martin, if you put a gun to his forehead, he couldn’t tell you a joke.

I told the joke, but someone else got the high five. That’s like me drinking a cup of coffee and a guy in a coma waking up. Go back to bed, buddy.

No, we are building a joke.”

Make it dark, make it grim, make it tough, but then, for the love of God, tell a joke.

Yo Mama’s like a library, open to the public.

All he cares about is going out there with his Jack Daniels bottle. Nothing has changed. That’s kind of sad. If David was doing better than he used to be, then that would be different....

Here at the shop we joke that none of us would know how to cast if the wind stopped blowing.

An old joke has an Oxford professor meeting an American former graduate student and asking him what he’s working on these days. ‘My thesis is on the survival of the class system in the United...

Why do we have to humiliate someone to crack a joke??? Do what u would like people to do with u..

I ought to be jealous of the tower. She is more famous than I am.

Viktor was swinging a leather duffle and wearing a black Adidas tracksuit and his favorite brown UGG slippers with a hole in the toe.”Worn and old, just like Viv,” he’d say when Frankie made fun...

For with dandies, a joke is the only way of making yourself respected.

Honey, no offense, but sometimes I think I could shoot you and watch you kick.

It is a joke, an absolute nonsense to even suggest such things.

Be careful not to appear obsessively intellectual. When intelligence fills up, it overflows a parody.

A wink and a smirk walk into a bar, and the bartender asked them what they were drinking, when all of the sudden a mustache in a cowboy hat riding a vagina runs through the...

Reader: Dear Mr. Snicket, What is the best way to keep a secret? Lemony Snicket : Tell it to everyone you know, but pretend you are kidding.

Chuck Norris can unscramble an egg.

UFO is a joke when there ain’t mystery in the sky.

…I take photographs and I film my own home movies, I have a darkroom as well… but I can’t be a photojournalist like you… I can’t be anything… still, at least I can take photographs,...

What happened when the Verb asked the noun to conjugate? She said “no-no!”, forgot the “o” and decided to become a nun!

The trouble with aggressive nonsmokers is that they feel they are doing you a favor by not allowing you to smoke. They seem to think that one day you’ll look back and thank them for...