A philosopher is a blind man in a dark room looking for a black cat that isn’t there. A theologian is the man who finds it.

Is this Clarissa Fray?” The voice on the other end of the phone sounded familiar, though not immediately identifiable.Clary twirled the phone cord nervously around her finger. “Yeees?””Hi, I’m one of the knife-carrying hooligans you...

Trying to be offensive for the sole purpose of being offensive should always deem one the least offensive of offenders.

The joke loses everything when the joker laughs himself.

You learn what can become a good joke and can be repeatable. You have a shorthand about how to introduce a joke to someone.

Yo Mama’s so ugly, her Mama had to tie a steak around her neck to get the dogs to play with her.

Your… Your aura. It’s… amazing. It’s shining. I mean, it always shines, but today… Well I’ve never seen anything like it. I didn’t expect that after everything that happened.’I shifted around uncomfortably. If I lit...

I’m trying. My mouth keeps moving of its own accord.

It ain’t no joke when you lose your vinyl.

It’s unpleasantly like being drunk.” “What’s so unpleasant about being drunk?” “You ask a glass of water.

I am enlightened.

…, and sometimes there’s just no point in arguing with him. “Yeah, okay ‘me, Jeff, and Evan, sitting in a tree…'”Chris claps his hands triumphantly. “That’s right, baby!” Than a more serious expression comes across...

Chuck Norris CAN understand women.

The joke of our time is the suicide of intention.

I joke, but only half joke, that if you show up in an American hospital missing a finger, no one will believe you until they get a CAT scan, MRI and orthopedic consult.

Anyone else find it funny that Bernie Madoff’s last name is a homophone of ‘made-off’?

Each one you take is a commitment. If you break that commitment, the gods of alcohol will punish you with a hangover so bad you’ll think Satan himself took a dump on you. -Milo

What do you call a rifle with three barrels?A trifle.

CUSTOMER: I’m always on night shift at work.BOOKSELLER (jokingly): Is that why you’re buying so many vampire novels?CUSTOMER (seriously): You can never be too prepared.

When it comes to Spam, … we get the joke.

I’m financially ugly.

For the advice in a joke is sometimes more useful than the most serious teaching.

It is better to doubt that a concept is stupidly flying under your head than profoundly flying over your head.

Joe is 3/4ths of a joke. 75% of politicians are jokes too, only the punchlines are the voters, and that kind of humor I just don’t find funny.

When I’m up on stage and do a joke, half the people interpret it one way and half of them interpret it the way I want them to.

Yo Mama’s so ugly that your father takes her to work with him so that he doesn’t have to kiss her goodbye.

When we perceive aliens as a joke to be laughed at,they feel so pity for us on the success of their plans.

In fact, it used to be a joke if you studied at a University.

Joke ’em if they can’t take a fuck.

People tell me I look like my father. I’ve never seen my dad, so does that mean I look invisible?

The joke is generally in the oddest way the truth and yet not the fact.

When I become the village idiot, or at least, it starts to become a joke, you can’t do that much longer.

The signs of excessive indulgence in this destructive pastime are easily detectable. They are these: A disposition to eat, to drink, to smoke, to meet together convivially, to laugh, to joke, and tell indelicate stories—...

My old man taught me to never trust anything that bleeds for three days and doesn’t die.

Humour is for them the all-consoling and (mark this) the all-excusing, grace of life. Hence, it is invaluable as a means of destroying shame. If a man simply lets others pay for him, he is...

We live in such a cynical, postmodern society that if you are offended by something like this, people say, ‘Lighten up, it’s ironic, it’s a joke.’ And that’s really nice if you’re a student of...

No man should marry until he has studied anatomy and dissected at least one woman.

I’ve just finished reading some of my early papers, and you know, when I’d finished I said to myself, ‘Rutherford, my boy, you used to be a damned clever fellow.’ (1911)

Yo Mama’s so old, her memory is in black and white.

I want someone that I can have fun with and laugh with. I love to laugh, and I’m really sarcastic, so it’s important that she can take a joke. I think if you are going...

I was smiling yesterday,I am smiling today and I will smile tomorrow.Simply because life is too short to cry for anything.

The art world is the biggest joke going. It’s a rest home for the overprivileged, the pretentious, and the weak.

An assumption is the joke; truth the punchline.

Being a Muslim is not a joke but a challenge. If you think it is, come and live in Pakistan where you will know about Muslims’ enemies around the globe

If a black black cat crosses your path, it suggests that the animal is going somewhere.

Clap your hands, stomp your feet, praise the Lord, we got some heat!

Thanks. Seriously, you must have better things to do with your life than waste it on the hopeless?”I’ve already learned Parseltongue. What else is there?”Elvish.

I’m a Neuroscientist.- What’s that? What do you study?- I study your brain!

Taft, I feel, has kind of made a joke out of all of us.

Life’s too short to take yourself seriously, and too long to take a wife jokingly.