A philosopher is a blind man in a dark room looking for a black cat that isn’t there. A theologian is the man who finds it.

It is a joke, an absolute nonsense to even suggest such things.

Be careful not to appear obsessively intellectual. When intelligence fills up, it overflows a parody.

A wink and a smirk walk into a bar, and the bartender asked them what they were drinking, when all of the sudden a mustache in a cowboy hat riding a vagina runs through the...

Reader: Dear Mr. Snicket, What is the best way to keep a secret? Lemony Snicket : Tell it to everyone you know, but pretend you are kidding.

Chuck Norris can unscramble an egg.

UFO is a joke when there ain’t mystery in the sky.

…I take photographs and I film my own home movies, I have a darkroom as well… but I can’t be a photojournalist like you… I can’t be anything… still, at least I can take photographs,...

What happened when the Verb asked the noun to conjugate? She said “no-no!”, forgot the “o” and decided to become a nun!

The trouble with aggressive nonsmokers is that they feel they are doing you a favor by not allowing you to smoke. They seem to think that one day you’ll look back and thank them for...

I’d like to think I’d never do a gratuitous fart joke.

I said I kicked a French chicken in the stomach once.” “Huh?” “It said, ‘Oeuf.'” “What is that?” “It’s a joke. Do you want to hear another, or have you already had un oeuf?

Yo Mama’s so fat, her ass has its own congressman!

Woman troubles, heartbreak, Twilight ending? Whatever bugs your mind.”-Jared

I never stopped joking around long enough to realize you weren’t laughing anymore.

These days every morning begins like a joke you think you have heard before, but there is no one telling it whom you can stop. One day it’s about a cow who walks into a...

Never make a person feel, that he/she is very (extra) special.. Cause, then that person starts feeling that ‘You’ are not worth him/her.

What other culture could have produced someone like Hemingway and not seen the joke?

I joke that a person of color would never make a movie like ‘Midnight in Paris.’ Nostalgia isn’t so enticing.

If Pac-Man had affected us as kids, we’d all be running around in dark rooms, munching pills and listening to repetitive electronic music.

Historically, Heathrow has been something of a joke, outweighed by its excellent connections. We have to aspire to having an airport at Heathrow with two runways which is a world-class airport. It’s a big challenge.

Investigation?” Isabelle laughed. “Now we’re detectives? Maybe we should all have code names.””Good idea,” said Jace. “I shall be Baron Hotschaft Von Hugenstein.

I typically start out almost every speech I give making some kind of joke about me being in a wheelchair.

What did the zombie say to the whore? Keep the tip!

When I go to the bathrooms, I cannot take off my pants as before; because there is a light continuously blinking like a camera, everyone says it is just an environmental friendly lighting. Well, I...

Yo Mama’s so ugly, her dentist treats her by mail order.

You, Stan, are covered with dirt and leaves.””I just applied for a job as a tree,” I said. It made so little sense, he didn’t even bother responding.

At nine, my mom used to tell me she saw an Olympic medalist in me. I used to take it as a joke, but she was very serious.

Somebody would think I was trying to get favored treatment because my ancestors had the name Moon. And that’s a joke.

The combination of ammonia and chloride can be lethal but I’ve discovered it can work miracles as long as you keep telling yourself, “I want to love, I want to live…

I used to joke I was a point-and-click actor. My whole process has been about trusting your instincts and hitting your mark.

My way of joking is to tell the truth. That’s the funniest joke in the world.

Yo Mama’s so fat her butt cheeks have different area codes.

Well, enough of this introspection. It’s depressing, quite frankly.

We end up kissing her for an hour, and her lips are so soft they are almost like a joke.

Llevamos el circo en la sangre.

I joke that my niche in Hollywood has been naked foreigners.

I laugh and joke, but I don’t get distracted very easily.

The moment you think of a joke is the best moment.

I recall the story of the philosopher and the theologian… The two were engaged in disputation and the theologian used the old quip about a philosopher resembling a blind man, in a dark room, looking...

But—let me tell you my cat joke. It’s very short and simple. A hostess is giving a dinner party and she’s got a lovely five-pound T-bone steak sitting on the sideboard in the kitchen waiting...

Is this Clarissa Fray?” The voice on the other end of the phone sounded familiar, though not immediately identifiable.Clary twirled the phone cord nervously around her finger. “Yeees?””Hi, I’m one of the knife-carrying hooligans you...

Trying to be offensive for the sole purpose of being offensive should always deem one the least offensive of offenders.

The joke loses everything when the joker laughs himself.

You learn what can become a good joke and can be repeatable. You have a shorthand about how to introduce a joke to someone.

Yo Mama’s so ugly, her Mama had to tie a steak around her neck to get the dogs to play with her.

Your… Your aura. It’s… amazing. It’s shining. I mean, it always shines, but today… Well I’ve never seen anything like it. I didn’t expect that after everything that happened.’I shifted around uncomfortably. If I lit...

I’m trying. My mouth keeps moving of its own accord.

It ain’t no joke when you lose your vinyl.

It’s unpleasantly like being drunk.” “What’s so unpleasant about being drunk?” “You ask a glass of water.