A philosopher is a blind man in a dark room looking for a black cat that isn’t there. A theologian is the man who finds it.

He and I have a neat rapport. He was trying to set up a deal where, if he broke the state record by 120 points, I’d have to shave my head. We joke around a...

We often hear that mathematics consists mainly of ‘proving theorems.’ Is a writer’s job mainly that of ‘writing sentences?

When in doubt, poke the beehive with a stick to see if anything interesting flies out.I clapped my hands. ‘I had no idea Pit teams had such pretty cheerleaders. Can you do it again, but...

Fuck it… That’s really the attitude that keeps a family together, it’s not “we love each other”, it’s just “fuck it, man.

If Yo Mama and Yo Daddy got a divorce, they’d still be brother and sister.

You might like it as a joke or because you liked it then, but there isn’t a whole new generation discovering Wham!.

I didn’t pretend to know Eli at all, but even so, I’d noticed that his manner was slightly hard to read. It was something in the way he talked that made it difficult to tell...

Happy endings. *Groan*

Sometimes it’s hard to tell if a joke is working or not for the first couple of minutes.

Once I knew what I was doingI was there and with it;I had the total knowing.I Googled God and orgasmedAt the amount of Gods andMonsters out there posted about.

As many as thirty or as few as ten years later, lying exhausted and still, eyes open in the dark long after the three suns of Rakhat had set, no longer bleeding, past the vomiting,...

Don’t let your teeth make you lose respect by permanently keeping them opened for the sake of being friendly.

It’s hard to enjoy practical jokes when your whole life feels like one.

I ain’t apologizing for anything, especially if it’s a joke.

She Bangs.” It won’t be about a sexually loose woman, but rather it will be a knock-knock joke.

If your regime is not strong enough to handle a joke, then you have no regime.

Chuck Norris is the only human being to display the Heisenberg uncertainty principle — you can never know both exactly where and how quickly he will roundhouse kick you in the face.

We need to get rid of the Federal Elections Commission. It’s a joke. It doesn’t enforce the law.

People tend to take things spoken as a joke seriously and things spoken seriously as a joke.

Perhaps you are Coyote in disguise and have chosen a spectacularly inappropriate time for a joke.

The apex of mathematical achievement occurs when two or more fields which were thought to be entirely unrelated turn out to be closely intertwined. Mathematicians have never decided whether they should feel excited or upset...

Jack didn’t fully get Jesus. Audrey tried to explain it, and he could repeat it back to her, word for word, but he still didn’t comprehend most of it. The best he could gather was...

This is a wonderful joke to play upon a prisoner, to promise forgiveness.

Yo Mama’s like mustard, she spreads easy.

The year that Rutherford died (1938) there disappeared forever the happy days of free scientific work which gave us such delight in our youth. Science has lost her freedom. Science has become a productive force....

I don’t even pretend to believe I know everything; I just believe in arguments God told me I had a pretty good chance of winning, while I was traveling through hell.

Ever been expecting guests for a dinner party & had to clear up a massive LEGO space-station before they arrived? (Who needs kids to play?!)

I’m a joke comic. I tell jokes. I like writing a joke, and I like when a joke works, and I like other comics who tell jokes.

Sometimes When You Are Serious, People Thought You Were Joking, But Sometimes When You Are Joking, People Thought You Were Serious

Pity, I’ve learned, is like a fart. You can tolerate your own, but you simply can’t stand anyone else’s.

I legit can not parallel park. This is no joke!

Just don’t ask me to deliver any more satyr babies and we’ll get along great.

There have to be some boundaries. The butt of the joke cannot be God or the prophet or the religion itself. I’m very careful about sacrilegious humor. I’m not a shock comic who’s going to...

And it’s Gryfindor in possession again, as Johnson takes the Quaffle— Flint alongside her —poke him in the eye, Angelina —it was a joke, professor, it was a joke…

Everyone born is on the field of life’s game, but not everyone does wear the jersey of vision! Some people are fair players and others are injury causers; you joke with the later and they...

If you think before you speak the other guy gets his joke in first.

Chuck Norris can divide by zero.

It was just a boy’s name, … Even in the movie, (the name Madison is) a joke. She named herself after Madison Avenue. But that’s where it comes from.

Time is ticking, and your online twinkling is limited.

When I was coaching with the Patriots, the players pulled a practical joke and I said, ‘Do you think I’m Charlie the Tuna, like a sucker?’ After that, they called me Tuna.

Sometimes you feel as though you’ve slandered yourself, but the joke’s on them.

I started studying law, but this I could stand just for one semester. I couldn’t stand more. Then I studied languages and literature for two years. After two years I passed an examination with the...

I used to joke that it was an off week for me,

Yo Mama sucks so much d***, her lips went double platinum.

Everyone’s in on the joke as it were,

In the end, perhaps we should simply imagine a joke; a long joke that’s continually retold in an accent too thick and strange to ever be completely understood. Life is that joke my friends. The...

Puns are just another form of sarcasm, which may or may not make you – smile, giggle, or laugh.

I never was so immensely tickled by anything I had ever said before. I actually woke up twice during the night, and laughed till the bed shook.

Never ever make a joke to the police, they have no sense of humour. Never make a political joke, it will always be considered an insult. Always remember that umbrage can be taken by the...