Spanish was weird that way: two words for monkeys, and esposas meant both wives and handcuffs. That said a lot.

I’ve been coerced into free will.

That is fuckin’ awesome. I mean fuckin’ awesome. I fuckin’ mean fucking awesome. You are one Big Swinging Dick, and don’t ever let anybody tell you different.” It brought tears to my eyes to hear...

The boomerang is Australia’s chief export (and then import).

First, let me finish. Then interrupt.

…I gotta burn these scales… sigh*

The biggest enemy of truth is known as facts in our society.

Our atheist thoughts go out to his family following their loss.

Monday is Teacher Appreciation Day, and I was thinking of making a nice quiche for Miss Keener.

No one ever thinks about the guy who was raised by the guy who was raised by wolves.

Fact: The plastic knife is perfect for when a person just wants to make some marks on his food and get insanely frustrated at the same time.

Listen carefully, Lucas Steele, because I will only say this once. I am NOT your mate, I will never be your mate, and if you ever put your hands on me again I will cut...

Hotel Conundrum: The continental breakfast. What is it that makes continents so shitty at providing an adequate breakfast?

A lie near to truth is always difficult to catch.

Passion + Vision +Skill + Mentoring = Success.

You have to design your own price tag for the world.

If God has created the world, his primary worry was certainly not to make its understanding easy for us.

One of the classier features of this home was the padded toilet seat. It was high-mileage puffy brown vinyl-colored foam and made that weird sigh when you sat down on it. I’m not a germaphobe...

Smoking will probably kill me, but so will natural selection.

She looked like a dead Teletubby.

Generally speaking, I try not to generalize.

You have to know, I never had syphilis!

He’s so dumb he couldn’t find his way out of a birth canal.

A weapon needs a wielder; it should not be permitted to start its own fights.””You are not my wielder; you are naught, a forgotten ghost, not even a memory.””Maybe, but you are still a weapon.

In small towns, news travels at the speed of boredom.

Emma was doing something nice for Simon? Hell must be enjoying the snow day.

Keep rechewing. Like a cow. Use all your creative stomachs.

Dad said I had no respect for money and that if I didn’t learn when I was little when was I going to learn? Kids who get Bart Simpson dolls at the drop of a...

The adults said the only good food was the bacon, but the kids knew better. They had never had a more fun breakfast in their lives. Although they had to agree the bacon was very...

It’s human nature to view life from our own reality.This causes serious problems when a rescue mission is being led by the senile or insane.

Where would Jesus be if no one ever wrote the gospels?

He crouched at the care window and looked in. “What a lovely family you have. What a charming family. They’re all lovely. Except for that one.” His finger jabbed the glass. “That one’s a bit...

If I Am murdered en route it will have been well worth while!

The forest, like a casino, always wins. That’s why you should never gamble, or enter the forest. And above all, never underestimate Schmidty.

Awesome.

If you don’t have any feelings for Will Darcy, why are you blushing and fixing your hair?

And here is my sweet little Annamaria,’ she added, tenderly caressing a little girl of three years old, who had not made a noise for the last two minutes; ‘And she is always so gentle...

If a handicapped woman says she wants to be friends with benefits, I always ask her if that includes parking.

Weird is just a side-effect of being awesome!

I can’t forget things, or ignore them-bad things that happen,” I said. “I’m a lay-it-all-out person, a dwell-on-it person, an obsess-about-it person. If I hold things in and try to forget or pretend, I become...

So. Monday. We meet again.We will never be friends—but maybe we can move past our mutual enmity toward a more-positive partnership.

Darkness is necessary for evolvement.

I always have.

Lending books to other people is merely a shrewd form of housecleaning.

I can’t help but think about things critically. Sometimes it can be a curse. What I wouldn’t give every once in a while to be a blithering idiot skipping through life with shit in my...

Wisdom of the Ages: “Theaters” I think it is horribly unfair that children and old people get discounts, but blind people have to pay full price.

Graham Chapman, co-author of the “Parrot Sketch”, is no more. He has ceased to be. Bereft of life, he rests in peace. He’s kicked the bucket, hopped the twig, bit the dust, snuffed it, breathed...

You didn’t happen to install Windows when you upgraded me, did you?

He was my age and in my imagination he was a fireman, not the kind that actually fights fires but the kind who travels the country shirtless posing for calendars.

On Decoration Day, while everyone else in town was at the cemetery decorating the graves of our Glorious War Dead, Willie Beaner and me, Robert Burns Hewitt, took Mabel Cramm’s bloomers and run them up...