The boomerang is Australia’s chief export (and then import).

First, let me finish. Then interrupt.

…I gotta burn these scales… sigh*

Spanish was weird that way: two words for monkeys, and esposas meant both wives and handcuffs. That said a lot.

A balanced dieT to make you die with a tea, consists of holding two bags of cookies on each hand and a voracious hunger to consume.

That is fuckin’ awesome. I mean fuckin’ awesome. I fuckin’ mean fucking awesome. You are one Big Swinging Dick, and don’t ever let anybody tell you different.” It brought tears to my eyes to hear...

I’ve been coerced into free will.

The biggest enemy of truth is known as facts in our society.

No one ever thinks about the guy who was raised by the guy who was raised by wolves.

Listen carefully, Lucas Steele, because I will only say this once. I am NOT your mate, I will never be your mate, and if you ever put your hands on me again I will cut...

Fact: The plastic knife is perfect for when a person just wants to make some marks on his food and get insanely frustrated at the same time.

Hotel Conundrum: The continental breakfast. What is it that makes continents so shitty at providing an adequate breakfast?

Our atheist thoughts go out to his family following their loss.

Monday is Teacher Appreciation Day, and I was thinking of making a nice quiche for Miss Keener.

A lie near to truth is always difficult to catch.

The ark was like a portable computer hard drive and Noah was a one-man Geek Squad, and he dumped God’s most important files onto it before he zorched the virus-ridden computer that was the world.

Every day in New York City is a test. Work hard and pass this test, you get a chocolate cookie. From a strange man on the subway. A man without pants.

Your ma’s dating?” Tim looks shocked. “I thought she pretty much confined herself to a vibrator and the shower nozzle since your dad screwed her over.

As soon as a friendship passed a certain point – some obscure and secret boundary – a woman quite automatically became overwhelmed by a raging compulsion to complicate things.

Hocus Pocus let’s try to focus

Pan Bilbo ho naučil i číst a psát — nic zlýho tím ovšem nemyslela doufám, že z toho nic zlýho nevzejde

you only live once.Unless you a zombie

Superfast beings shouldn’t piss off the comics geek-girl.

Vegtables, what food eats before it becomes food.

Oh crap! Someone is asking me to quote myself. Why don’t they just ask me to drink acid and run naked into a snowdrift?

I didn’t have time to grow out a beard, so I glued a wig on instead. I make love like a hare in a tortoise shell.

Why had his mother gone to the trouble of bringing him into the world if the most exciting moment in his life was having been made lame by a bayonet?

His attention caught, her companion raised his eyes from the book which lay open beside him on the table and directed them upon her in a look of aloof enquiry. ‘What’s that? Did you say...

Please don’t fire me.

Why, oh why was I standing entranced when I should have been releasing my inner she wolf on his arse?

I can always count on you to brighten my day,” Ranger said. And he disconnected.

Just Echo.

Seedy wasn’t a fair description for the place, because seeds imply eventual regrowth and renewal.

I am currently preoccupied with chocolate.

Wisdom of the Ages: “Boxing Day” In the UK, the day after Christmas is named after the first activity that takes place between husband and wife after the Christmas receipts are added up.

Wisdom of the Ages: “Unsuccessful pick-up lines” ‘My parole ends today, let’s celebrate!

michelle would get picked up and bang someone anonymous stud in the bathroom, and i would sip my drink wishing i could go home and curl up with a book. i sigh. thats ok. she...

“I love the inpatience of New York… You ever had somebody not-ask you for directions, but demand them? You’re just innocently walking down the street, you hear a horn, all of a sudden some guy’s...

The Deliverator’s car has enough potential energy packed into its batteries to fire a pound of bacon into the Asteroid Belt. Unlike a bimbo box or a Burb beater, the Deliverator’s car unloads that power...

Save the World-ers

Few seem to be able to eat a turkey leg at Disneyland without splattering tsunami scale grease, so grab plenty of napkins or wear a bib, tablecloth or scuba suit.

I think that the habit of gloomy poetry is very funny. It’s like a special competition in losing.

We’re really awful animals. I mean, that dumb Barbra Streisand song, ‘People who need people are the luckiest people in the world’ – she’s talking about cannibals. Lot’s to eat.

the mama approacheth

Somebody’s put a spider in this biscuit.

Tom leaned in and spoke in a low, confidential voice, “Sir. You have a little something…” He lifted his forefinger surreptitiously to his own upper lip. Harrison brought his hand to his mustache to brush...

The fifth sense is “common sense”- either you have it or you don’t.

When they figure out how to bottle up orgasms and sell them as a food additive, I’ll be first in line.

Simon stepped forward and clapped him on the shoulder. “Nothing better than making a maid happy, is there?””Aye, there most assuredly is.” Simon cocked a puzzled brow.”Skewering my meddlesome brother would definitely be better.”Simon laughed....

When I get to Heaven I just know I’m going to forget my toothbrush.