Spanish was weird that way: two words for monkeys, and esposas meant both wives and handcuffs. That said a lot.

A balanced dieT to make you die with a tea, consists of holding two bags of cookies on each hand and a voracious hunger to consume.

I’ve been coerced into free will.

That is fuckin’ awesome. I mean fuckin’ awesome. I fuckin’ mean fucking awesome. You are one Big Swinging Dick, and don’t ever let anybody tell you different.” It brought tears to my eyes to hear...

The boomerang is Australia’s chief export (and then import).

First, let me finish. Then interrupt.

…I gotta burn these scales… sigh*

The biggest enemy of truth is known as facts in our society.

Our atheist thoughts go out to his family following their loss.

Monday is Teacher Appreciation Day, and I was thinking of making a nice quiche for Miss Keener.

No one ever thinks about the guy who was raised by the guy who was raised by wolves.

Fact: The plastic knife is perfect for when a person just wants to make some marks on his food and get insanely frustrated at the same time.

Listen carefully, Lucas Steele, because I will only say this once. I am NOT your mate, I will never be your mate, and if you ever put your hands on me again I will cut...

Hotel Conundrum: The continental breakfast. What is it that makes continents so shitty at providing an adequate breakfast?

A lie near to truth is always difficult to catch.

The ark was like a portable computer hard drive and Noah was a one-man Geek Squad, and he dumped God’s most important files onto it before he zorched the virus-ridden computer that was the world.

jerk.smokes cigars.will die of lung cancer,hopefully soon.excellent physical shape.

I need some kind of… like… last minute, poorly-set-up deus ex machina!!

How am I going to explain to my kids one day that I can’t buy them a happy meal because the toy will make them fat?

The important thing for any writer to remember is to take the writing seriously, but not the writer.

It—It’s my bedroom!” Alec spluttered. He seemed to be deliberately trying not to look at Izzy and Simon, who were indeed in a very compromising position.

I’ll take a ride…ooh-rah.

What happened when the Verb asked the noun to conjugate? She said “no-no!”, forgot the “o” and decided to become a nun!

Do not argue with a spuse who is packing your parachute.

My best advice is never to address any woman as Madam unless she holds a high position in government or you happen to find yourself in a brothel speaking to its owner.

When I left high school with my diploma, it felt like I was holding a key that would unlock the door to a better world. Every teacher I passed on my way down to the...

Giving the rugged repairman the eye was one thing — but Charity had no intention of snogging away a whole rainy afternoon when she was supposed to be catching up on her work. Lady Margaret...

A writing day is like any other day. Except I live in my pajamas, I forget to eat, and I suddenly look up, wondering when day turned into night.

The wand picks you, you don’t pick the wand.

I walked back by way of the sea-lions’ enclosure to refresh my eyes with the King Penguin’s perfect ecclesiastical tailoring. He was pacing moodily about as usual, in what one felt to be the interval...

La negación no es solo un rió en Egipto.

Talk about insanity. Being attracted to deVries was like a month saying, “Hey, let’s go check out that awesome bonfire”.

soul mate” really just the best approximation of ourselves that we can find?

Damon Scares me,’ Maggie said. ‘Maybe you should do what he wants.”Can’t.”Why not?”Because he killed me. That kind of pisses me off

DISARM ALL RAPISTSBut what will we doWith their legs?

I would rather write a book without a title if my true friend chooses to live in a million dollar home in London and acts foreign.

…every year for decades there had been great excitement over the Largest Vegetable competition (“That would be my husband”, was the standard comment).

Never do anything that you don’t want to have to explain to 9-1-1 personnel.

I glance down, and my eyes get big.”What?” He glances down, realizes why my eyes are big, and shrugs his shoulders. “It’s morning.””It’s cute. Can I keep it?

The on and off thing is kind of annoying, isn’t it? First with Cole, now with Gavin. “Maybe you need a tune up.” I rolled my eyes. “I’ll just pop into the supernatural ability repair...

Semper Fi.” iBooks. This material may be protected by copyright.

If you had a piece of coal, we could hold her down, shove it up her ass, and come collect a big, fat diamond in a few days.

Tell me about yourself.’ A strange thing for a husband to ask a wife.

They’d paid some madman who thought he was a decorator a lot of money to make the place look hip and unique. Maybe it’s my lack of fashion sense talking, but I thought they should...

College = A place where you spend a ton of money for a piece of paper that says you’re qualified.

Life is about more that quotes about life

Wisdom of the Ages “Car Commercials” One of the last times you’re ever gonna see that overpriced s-box not stuck in a traffic jam.

…I like the way Chee kept God magical, sorta like Santa Claus when you’re a kid. More priests should take this approach, because there is a frickin’ reason why Santa Claus is more popular than...

You’re a terrible woman Nox, but by the stars I love you beyond words themselves,

Will everyone stop eating dinosaurs?