That is fuckin’ awesome. I mean fuckin’ awesome. I fuckin’ mean fucking awesome. You are one Big Swinging Dick, and don’t ever let anybody tell you different.” It brought tears to my eyes to hear...

I’ve been coerced into free will.

The boomerang is Australia’s chief export (and then import).

First, let me finish. Then interrupt.

…I gotta burn these scales… sigh*

Spanish was weird that way: two words for monkeys, and esposas meant both wives and handcuffs. That said a lot.

The biggest enemy of truth is known as facts in our society.

Monday is Teacher Appreciation Day, and I was thinking of making a nice quiche for Miss Keener.

No one ever thinks about the guy who was raised by the guy who was raised by wolves.

Fact: The plastic knife is perfect for when a person just wants to make some marks on his food and get insanely frustrated at the same time.

Listen carefully, Lucas Steele, because I will only say this once. I am NOT your mate, I will never be your mate, and if you ever put your hands on me again I will cut...

Hotel Conundrum: The continental breakfast. What is it that makes continents so shitty at providing an adequate breakfast?

Our atheist thoughts go out to his family following their loss.

A lie near to truth is always difficult to catch.

Democracy was supposed to champion freedom of speech, and yet the simple rules of table decorum could clamp down on the rights their forefathers had fought and died for.

You can’t beat me. I have the mind of a warlock with adonis DNA. Winning!

You were listening at the door, Gigi!””No, Grandmamma.””Yes, you had your ear to the keyhole. You must never listen at key-holes. You don’t hear properly and so you get things all wrong.

I’ve fucked you, licked you, bound you, flogged you, and spanked you. Jesus, Lilly, how much more do you want to get to know each other?

At around 6:00 a.m., April 30, 1987, we were awakened by a loud bull horn while inside our rented mobile home at an Ozark, Missouri trailer park.”Glenn Miller, Jack Jackson, Douglas Sheets, Tony Wydra, this...

I don’t appreciate people who celebrate their dog’s birthdays with “dog parties,” and then invite their friends who don’t even have dogs. I understand why people like dogs, and I think they definitely bring more...

New streets should be Twitter friendly and be named with hashtags up front. I’d build a house on ‪#‎LoversLane‬.

I had a second friend come over to my house, and do you know what I called her? A refill. If relationships aren’t drinkable, why do we thirst for them so much?

It’s all life is. Just going ’round kissing people.

Shergahn and friend lay like poleaxed steers, and the Daranfelian’s greasy hair was thick with potatoes, carrots, gravy, and chunks of beef. His companion had less stew in his hair, but an equally large lump...

Add your typical shower and claw feetOwners claw foot tub, consider incorporating the most traditional sense of joy in the ease and comfort revolutionary shower, governments are mainly engaged in the race just to check...

I’m hoping you end up happily married to the man of your dreams and have a hoard of beautiful kids that’ll keep you on your toes by turning your neighbours into various types of pond-life.”...

Nigromanta took him to her room, which was lighted with false candlesticks, to her folding cot with the bedding stained from bad loves, and to her body of a wild dog, hardened and without a...

But where is my son? Where is the beautiful Miss Merriot?

She spoke under her breath to Nick. “Is there a reason he’s only wearing one sock?” “He puked on his foot.” “Oh.” She turned back to Huxley. “Can we get you another sock? Maybe a...

Nixon’s offences had been so long in the past, so much part of a different era that he now seemed like some lovable but bigoted uncle you tolerated at Christmas and Thanksgiving.

You took your clothes off?””You didn’t notice?””No! Jeez Louise, I don’t even know you.””If you look under the covers, you’ll know me better.””I don’t want to know you better!””That’s a big fib,” Diesel said.

She decided that if Lucas was gay then she was going to have to get a sex change operation. He would be so worth it.

Ease off the martyr throttle.

And we’re at four. Alexis Ann, I think we’re in an abusive relationship.

If a demon and a vampire mated, their offspring would be unique but in harmony, like a Labrador retriever crossed with a poodle. Voila, labradoodle!But a vemon was a made creature, as if one took...

Wisdom of the Ages “Unsuccessful Town Slogans” Sequim (WA)- “We put the Dung in Dungeness.

Never can tell when you might come on somebody needs skinning.

Certainly no one has ever died of an unrequited passion—it’s usually the ones that are requited that get people in trouble.

A reputation for money is almost as negotiable as money itself.

I didn’t do anything wrong. I swear.’He grunted. ‘Like I’ve never heard that before. Funny, but I expected a little more originality from Moira’s daughter.”Yeah, well, the dog ate my notebook with all my good...

Solve this, pink-haired lady.

Another example of getting flack from the boys is what happened when Jack Black dumped me. That’s right. I fucked Jack Black. Okay, we went out only two or three times, but that’s a relationship...

Imran you’re tragic. Bronchitis is like a bad cold it’s not a type of dinosaur.

Eww,” Jack said, and then giggled. “Yeah, and a Paris Hilton doll that had an optional brain.”Aphrodite raised her brow at him. “Don’t go all crazy. There are some things even Paris Hilton can’t buy.

Why do I write? Because I like telling stories and I don’t like repeating myself (insert chuckle here).

I’m Julia Malone and nobody has the patent on me!

He’s an even-tempered stallion. What he lacks in stamina he makes up for in speed, kind of like most of the men I’ve slept with.

So we waited. I felt useless. I felt like I was in the way. I wished I had some nervous habits so I could indulge in them.

If you have the choice between humble and cocky, go with cocky. There’s always time to be humble later, once you’ve been proven horrendously, irrevocably wrong.

I have my welcome mat turned around backwards so when people leave they think they’re going to a better place.