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Humorous  Quotes
Spanish was weird that way: two words for monkeys, and esposas meant both wives and handcuffs. That said a lot.

—Ann Aguirre

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Humorous
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I’ve been coerced into free will.

—Brian Spellman

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DeterminismFateFree-Will
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That is fuckin’ awesome. I mean fuckin’ awesome. I fuckin’ mean fucking awesome. You are one Big Swinging Dick, and don’t ever let anybody tell you different.” It brought tears to my eyes to hear...

—Michael Lewis

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Big-Swinging-DickHuman-PiranhaHumorous
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The boomerang is Australia’s chief export (and then import).

—Demetri Martin

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Humorous
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First, let me finish. Then interrupt.

—Brian Spellman

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ConversationConversationsHumorous
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…I gotta burn these scales… sigh*

—Hiroko Sakai

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DietFunnyHumorous
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The biggest enemy of truth is known as facts in our society.

—Abhishek Shukla

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Our atheist thoughts go out to his family following their loss.

—Brian Spellman

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AtheismAtheistDeath-Of-A-Loved-One
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Monday is Teacher Appreciation Day, and I was thinking of making a nice quiche for Miss Keener.

—P.J. Bracegirdle

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No one ever thinks about the guy who was raised by the guy who was raised by wolves.

—Demetri Martin

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ComedyDadsHumor
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Fact: The plastic knife is perfect for when a person just wants to make some marks on his food and get insanely frustrated at the same time.

—Demetri Martin

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Humorous
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Listen carefully, Lucas Steele, because I will only say this once. I am NOT your mate, I will never be your mate, and if you ever put your hands on me again I will cut...

—Quinn Loftis

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HumorHumorousJacque
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Hotel Conundrum: The continental breakfast. What is it that makes continents so shitty at providing an adequate breakfast?

—Demetri Martin

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A lie near to truth is always difficult to catch.

—Abhishek Shukla

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Any day above ground is a good day.

—Robert Gerus

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In America, Prince is a dog’s name.

—Paul Rudnick

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FunnyHumorousPrince-Gregory
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Oh yes? Can you identify yourself?-Certainly. I’d know me anywhere.

—Terry Pratchett

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The stork is voiceless because there is really nothing to say.

—Will Cuppy

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AnimalsBirdsHumor
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Passion + Vision +Skill + Mentoring = Success.

—Abhishek Shukla

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You have to design your own price tag for the world.

—Abhishek Shukla

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If God has created the world, his primary worry was certainly not to make its understanding easy for us.

—Albert Einstein

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GodHumorous
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One of the classier features of this home was the padded toilet seat. It was high-mileage puffy brown vinyl-colored foam and made that weird sigh when you sat down on it. I’m not a germaphobe...

—Adam Carolla

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Smoking will probably kill me, but so will natural selection.

—Carroll Bryant

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She looked like a dead Teletubby.

—Babe Walker

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HumorHumorous
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Generally speaking, I try not to generalize.

—Addison C. Arthur

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HumorHumorous
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You have to know, I never had syphilis!

—Alex Ross

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HumorousSyphilis
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He’s so dumb he couldn’t find his way out of a birth canal.

—C Mack

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A weapon needs a wielder; it should not be permitted to start its own fights.””You are not my wielder; you are naught, a forgotten ghost, not even a memory.””Maybe, but you are still a weapon.

—Angelo Tsanatelis

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Fantasy-FictionHumorous
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In small towns, news travels at the speed of boredom.

—Carlos Ruiz

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GossipHumorousRural-Life
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Emma was doing something nice for Simon? Hell must be enjoying the snow day.

—E.J. Stevens

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FantasyFictionHumorous
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Keep rechewing. Like a cow. Use all your creative stomachs.

—Elizabeth M.

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HumorousWriting
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Dad said I had no respect for money and that if I didn’t learn when I was little when was I going to learn? Kids who get Bart Simpson dolls at the drop of a...

—Etgar Keret

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The adults said the only good food was the bacon, but the kids knew better. They had never had a more fun breakfast in their lives. Although they had to agree the bacon was very...

—Ella M

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BaconFunnyHumorous
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It’s human nature to view life from our own reality.This causes serious problems when a rescue mission is being led by the senile or insane.

—Jaime Buckley

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Where would Jesus be if no one ever wrote the gospels?

—Chuck Palahniuk

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He crouched at the care window and looked in. “What a lovely family you have. What a charming family. They’re all lovely. Except for that one.” His finger jabbed the glass. “That one’s a bit...

—Derek Landy

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FamilyHumorHumorous
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If I Am murdered en route it will have been well worth while!

—Dervla Murphy

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Humorous
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The forest, like a casino, always wins. That’s why you should never gamble, or enter the forest. And above all, never underestimate Schmidty.

—Gitty Daneshvari

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Humorous
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Awesome.

—Ilona Andrews

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Humorous
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If you don’t have any feelings for Will Darcy, why are you blushing and fixing your hair?

—Elizabeth Eulberg

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CharlotteDarcyHumorous
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And here is my sweet little Annamaria,’ she added, tenderly caressing a little girl of three years old, who had not made a noise for the last two minutes; ‘And she is always so gentle...

—Jane Austen

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ChildrenHumorous
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If a handicapped woman says she wants to be friends with benefits, I always ask her if that includes parking.

—Jarod Kintz

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HumorousParking
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Weird is just a side-effect of being awesome!

—Jean Gilbert

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Humorous
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I can’t forget things, or ignore them-bad things that happen,” I said. “I’m a lay-it-all-out person, a dwell-on-it person, an obsess-about-it person. If I hold things in and try to forget or pretend, I become...

—E. Lockhart

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ChicklitGirlsHumor
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So. Monday. We meet again.We will never be friends—but maybe we can move past our mutual enmity toward a more-positive partnership.

—Julio Alexi

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HumorHumorousMonday
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Darkness is necessary for evolvement.

—Lailah Gifty Akita

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Dark-HumorDarkness-And-LightEvolve
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I always have.

—Jeaniene Frost

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BonesCatHumorous
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Lending books to other people is merely a shrewd form of housecleaning.

—Joe Queenan

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Humorous
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I can’t help but think about things critically. Sometimes it can be a curse. What I wouldn’t give every once in a while to be a blithering idiot skipping through life with shit in my...

—Justin Halpern

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Humorous
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Wisdom of the Ages: “Theaters” I think it is horribly unfair that children and old people get discounts, but blind people have to pay full price.

—Matthew Heines

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FunnyHumorHumorous
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