All Beyoncé and JLo have done is add to the laundry list of attributes women must have to qualify as beautiful.

The second rule of improvisation is not only to say yes, but YES, AND. You are supposed to agree and then _add something of your own._ If I start a scene with ‘I can’t believe...

Your father doesn’t fucking play games. you would never come home with a shamrock tattoo in that house.

By the way, when Oprah Winfrey is suggesting you may have overextended yourself, you need to examine your fucking life.

Almost everyone first realized they were becoming a grown woman when some dude did something nasty to them. …It was mostly men yelling shit from cars. Are they a patrol sent out to let girls...

the best of” show was completely gone and we were in big trouble, except we didn’t really care.

I first knew I was a woman when my mother and father took me out to dinner to celebrate my success on the debate team.” It was mostly men yelling shit from cars. Are they...

That night’s show was watched by ten million people, so I guess that director at The Second City who said the audience “didn’t want to see a sketch with two women” can go shit in...

(Don Fey had a large rubber stamp that said “bullshit,” which was and is awesome.)

Don’t waste your energy trying to change opinions … Do your thing, and don’t care if they like it.

I would not trade any of these features for anybody else’s. I wouldn’t trade the small thin-lipped mouth that makes me resemble my nephew. I wouldn’t even trade the acne scar on my right cheek,...

Was it too much to expect the rest of the world to care about grammar or pay attention to details?

(My ability to turn good news into anxiety is rivaled only by my ability to turn anxiety into chin acne.)

I have one top-notch baby with whom I am in love. It’s a head-over-heels “first love” kind of thing, because I pay for everything and all we do is hold hands.

It’s a great lesson about not being too precious about your writing. You have to try your hardest to be at the top of your game and improve every joke you can until the last...

I’m not one of those fancy Harvard heart surgeons. I’m just an unlicensed plumber with a dream and I’d like to cut your chest open.” The crowd cheers.

It was a major and deeply embarrassing teenage revelation. It must be how straight teenage boys feel when they realize those boobs they like have heads attached to them.

What is he rudest question you can ask a woman? ‘How old are you?’ ‘What do you weigh?’ No, the worst question is ‘How do you juggle it all?’ people constantly ask me, with an...

And when she [her daughter] one day turns on me and calls me a Bitch in front of Hollister, Give me the strength, Lord, to yank her directly into a cab in front of her...

Someone should do a study of the human brain and how quickly it can adjust to luxury.

My first job as assistant director was to make sure he didn’t cast the talented blond dancer who had so easily stolen my boyfriend the summer before. I accomplished this with the persistent and skilled...

You don’t know their situation,” my mom would say. I considered it such an impolite question that for years I didn’t even ask myself. Thirty-five turned into forty faster than McDonald’s food turns into cold...

There is no one of-woman-born who does not like Red Lobster cheddar biscuits. Anyone who claims otherwise is a liar and a Socialist.

Everyone is quiet. Which is the wooooooorst. It’s scary when a group of people all know instinctively not to joke around.

This is one of the weird things about motherhood. You can predict that some of your best moments will happen around the toilet at six am while you’re holding a pile of fingernail clipping like...

You could put a blond wig on a hot-water heater and some dude would try to fuck it.

an imitation of human behavior that is both emotionally natural and mechanically precise enough as to elicit tears or laughter from humans.

Don’t waste your energy trying to educate or change opinions; go over, under, through, and opinions will change organically when you’re the boss. Or they won’t. Who cares? Do your thing, and don’t care if...

No, I will not hold your hand for a dollar.” What kind of way is that to live?

[T]he definition of ‘crazy’ in show business is a woman who keeps talking even after no one wants to fuck her anymore.

You’ve gotta stop calling each sl*ts and wh*r*s. That just makes it more okay for GUYS to call you sl*ts and wh*r*s.

Photoshop is just like makeup. When it’s done well it looks great, and when it’s overdone you look like a crazy asshole.

We spent days and weeks doing nothing, calling one another ten times a day to schedule our nothing-doing.

Lorne knows that the most exhausting people occasionally turn out the best stuff.

…Whenever someone says to me, ‘Jerry Lewis says women aren’t funny,’ or ‘Christopher Hitchens says women aren’t funny,’ or ‘Rick Fenderman says women aren’t funny… Do you have anything to say to that?’Yes. We don’t...

A wise friend once told me, ‘Don’t wear what fashion designers tell you to wear. Wear what _they_ wear.’ His point being that most designers, no matter what they throw onto the runway, favor simple,...

Do your thing and don’t care if they like it.

(My proudest moment as a child was the time I beat my uncle Pierre at Scrabble with the seven-letter word FARTING.)

And, you know, politics aside, the success of Sarah Palin and women like her is good for all women – except, of course —those who will end up, you know, like, paying for their own...

In 1995, each cast at The Second City was made up of four men and two women. When it was suggested that they switch one of the companies to three men and three women, the...

women aren’t funny.” Using that same math, I can state: Male comedy writers piss in cups.

5) The Eyes Are the Windows to Where the Soul Is Supposed to Be

Never let them see you cry.” I say, if you’re so mad you could just cry, then cry. It terrifies everyone.

This worked out perfectly for me in college, because what nineteen-year-old Virginia boy doesn’t want a wide-hipped, sarcastic Greek girl with short hair that’s permed on top? What’s that you say? None of them want...

plan” was for taking down the Christmas tree.

Lift your chin, darling, you are not eighteen.” I enjoyed his honesty. Also, I’m pretty sure he says that to models who are nineteen.

You all watched a sketch about feminism and you didn’t even know it because of all the jokes. It’s like when Jessica Seinfeld puts spinach in kids’ brownies. Suckers!

One family, two impressively gay brothers.

I was a little excited but mostly blorft. “Blorft” is an adjective I just made up that means ‘Completely overwhelmed but proceeding as if everything is fine and reacting to the stress with the torpor...

It’s a great lesson about not being too precious about your writing. You have to try your hardest to be at the top of your game and improve every joke you can until the last...