Carol Burnett was particularly funny. She swore for the first time on television on Larry Sanders.

Well, my brother says Hello. So, hooray for speech therapy.

All my life, I always wanted to be somebody. Now I see that I should have been more specific.

She didn’t break his heart, but I feel like a man is supposed to be a man, he ain’t supposed to be all involved in that. That’s why she got sisters and friend for. Just...

I wonder if other dogs think poodles are members of a weird religious cult.

But sometimes the women writers will pitch something and I’ll hear it, but the men will keep talking.

There are dumb actors. But there are dumb politicians and dumb bakers.

I’ve been lucky-my looks haven’t put me into one category. I don’t look like a blue blood. I don’t look like a criminal. I don’t look like anything.

I don’t understand why people don’t remember my name.

Live by this credo: have a little laugh at life and look around you for happiness instead of sadness. Laughter has always brought me out of unhappy situations.

I don’t mean to sound bitter, cold, or cruel, but I am, so that’s how it comes out.

No, I believe in the good will of the United States’ administration.

I also think if you’re an actor and you can improvise, when you go on an audition and you can improvise you’re just a genius. If you can, you know, take a Tide commercial and...

I think sometimes I should do more carousing, because I don’t do much and maybe it would be fun occasionally. It’s hard for me to have fun and I’m a serious thinker and a searcher...

I got some new underwear the other day. Well, new to me.

But I’m real conscious about what I do. I don’t care what the label is. I’m looking at the outcome of it.

I was on stage and I was like I will pay someone to do my time, not only will I expect NOT to be paid, but I will pay someone if I can run off...

I want to have children, but my friends scare me. One of my friends told me she was in labor for 36 hours. I don’t even want to do anything that feels good for 36...

I’m here today because I hated everything else.

Any time you’re trying to do a movie with a happy ending, it’s very difficult because it’s been done before and you don’t want to be manipulative.

My father described me as the oldest baby he’d ever seen. I apparently was very serious and reflective.

If I ever completely lost my nervousness I would be frightened half to death.

Women priests. Great, great. Now there’s priests of both sexes I don’t listen to.

Well… you know, I would wake up with a terrible hangover in a jail somewhere and worst part was that I would not know why I was there.

I practice safe sex – I use an airbag.

I was at a bar nursing a beer. My nipple was getting quite soggy.

I love Richard Pryor. I love him to death.

If you have an impulse, not if you’re going to ruin someone elses’ scene, if you have an impulse of a funny little add-on or taking something in a weird direction, try it.

To attract men, I wear a perfume called “New Car Interior.”

Men don’t hear women.

I like Spike Lee a lot. He’s incredibly gifted and I don’t think he gets the credit he deserves as a filmmaker.

The whole romantic part of my life was a wipeout. I didn’t even own a belt.

My table seats eight, so that’s my maximum. Having a small number of guests is the only way to generate good conversation. Besides, your whole house doesn’t get wrecked that way.

I mean, I’ve sold all these scripts and nothing’s been made. Studios have closed, stars have died. I had a director find Jesus. And the pictures just don’t get made.

And even very recently, when Taliban was in office, we took the humanitarian task of building hospital, for instance, schools and other arrangements.

First of all, I’m not the kind of guy that likes to rehash the show and so forth and so on.

I’m a great lover, I’ll bet.

When we talk to God, we’re praying. When God talks to us, we’re schizophrenic.

They have what you call a black night where they have black people come in for just one night only to watch comedy, and you get all your local drug dealers, thugs, prostitutes, all of...

Men who consistently leave the toilet seat up secretly want women to get up to go the bathroom in the middle of the night and fall in.

Don’t bother me while I’m eating, or when I’m coming out of the crackhouse or something. Just let me get going.

When you make the judgement as a network that there are only three candidates, you are censoring points of view.

I’ve long ago compromised my eight hours a night.

I feel now it’s useless to keep hoping. The way things are today, we live in a world that needs laughter, and I’ve decided if I can make people laugh, I’m making a more important...

No matter what your heartache may be, laughing helps you forget it for a few seconds.

Life is only a dream and we are the imagination of ourselves.

So we are fulfilling our task in preventing serious armament stocks in Iraq within our possibilities.

If you do a scene and you really like a character in it or a premise in it to write it down and to work on it so that you can have five or six...

I’m good in bed, actually, and I think I could learn to be a good communicator, too. The only trouble with that is it leads to marriage.

I once heard two ladies going on and on about the pains of childbirth and how men don’t seem to know what real pain is. I asked if either of them ever got themselves caught...