Fifteen men on the Dead Man’s Chest Yo-ho-ho, and a bottle of rum! Drink and the devil had done for the rest Yo-ho-ho, and a bottle of rum!

You didn’t have to go to the fireworks with him. Or – or let him fondle you.””Fondle?” Raisa raised her eyebrows, “When did I mention fondling?

Sam gave Captain Suicide a droll stare. “How did you die again? Oh wait, I know this. ‘I can take ’em. I don’t need to wait for reinforcements. I can do it myself.’ How’d that...

It’s possible to be flippant here, when Jihadists fly aircraft into buildings they shout God is Great, what do atheists shout when they do it?

You suspect me of taking steroids, don’t you?

Stupid male ego.

We’ll know we’ve built a machine that’s truly alive when it commits suicide.

Look at the size of his Naples!

I never hated a man enough to give him his diamonds back.

Rather than continue kicking the can down the road, let us gather up the can, and deposit it in a roadside trash receptacle.

If love came in a cardboard tube, I’d probably send it priority mail. But I’d make you pay for shipping.

A horse blanket, Mel?I remembered what I was wearing. ‘It tore in half when Hrani tried washing it. She was going to mend it. This piece was too small for a horse, but it was...

Control is under the situation.

My parents always said that knowledge was the best gift they could give me, probably because they were too cheap to buy me Christmas or Birthday presents.

First rule of thievery,’ Eli said, grinning, ‘only run if you’re not coming back.’ (…) ‘First rule of thievery, never use the same entrance twice.’ Miranda rolled her eyes. ‘How many ‘first rules’ of thievery...

Intelligence Community Spring Fashion Dis of the Week: ‘Suicide vest’ is a redundancy.

Love is tender, like the pot roast I’m keeping warm in my shoes.

He started to touch the mechanism under the keyboard, then pulled his hand back with a snap.”Ah,” he said. “Must deactivate the security….Turn around, please.””What?””Turn around, Claire. It’s a secure password!””You have GOT to be...

Motivational Secret of the Week: You are not a statistic. You are a datum used in the calculation of a statistic.

Yes, fruits and vegetables are healthy. But you want to know why I eat them? Revenge.

Only dead fishes go with the flow.. I guess that make me a dead fish!

Inadequate.

If the world were coming to an end tomorrow, I’d probably call in sick to work.

Do women usually thank you for saying things like that?

You run away to join another circus.

I want to start a band called “Friday Have Been Cancelled” and then hold open auditions every Friday. The sign will read, “Auditions For Friday Have Been Cancelled.” I sure hope nobody shows up because...

Eat your heart out. Oh, wait. You can’t. It’s not organic.

I always hoped for this spark of chemistry and compatibility, a flash of clarity to let me know that this was the guy, this was the time, so I should leg go and enjoy myself....

Love like you owe nothing, and pay in full.

American people are not evil. Given information, they will do the right thing. But they’re not given the information.

Secret 4081312. Every bullet’s magic if you’ve got a magic gun.

If love were a color, it’d be transparent, like all women’s clothing should be.

Just because someone gets arrested doesn’t mean what they are doing is wrong. Some laws are unfair and unjust.

The height of your position on it notwithstanding, the fact is you’re still living on a hog.

A blanket could be used as a duvet, in the fight against elitism.

I laughed all the way through Love Story.

I love you,” say nothing. Just grab a brick, cradle it with both hands like a kitten, and hold it out to the other person. Whether you want the other person to leave, or whether...

Just like a summer sausage, and I’m not talking about the snack-sized ones. And it’s attached to a body that could put Dwayne Johnson to shame. What women could resist a package like that? I’d...

It’s all life is. Just going ’round kissing people.

Poncho was in a red mood slanging with rage and needed to cook himself out of it , while shoving handfuls of salted peanuts down his gullet and slurping ice cold Fanta

A brick could be used to build a color theory that red objects encapsulate rage. Don’t believe me? Think of all the red objects that inspire hate: stop lights, Nazi swastikas, and tomato juice.

A lot of people ask me if I were shipwrecked, and could have only one book, what would it be? I always say, “How to Build a Boat.

The pockmarked and chalk-white sidewalk was like the surface of the moon, and I felt like Neil Armstrong as I walked along in my space boots and white helmet with my visor flipped down. Of...

I knew it!” he cried, jubilant. “I thought ’twas you, but there’s more of you now. You should’ve seenthe likes of her, boys,” he said, turning towards the other convicts as he pointed at Kel....

I’m drinking your reply. Maybe isn’t too hot or cold, so I’m chugging it.

Alphabet: a symbolic system used in algebra, with applications that have yet to be discovered by dyslexics and two thirds of college graduates.

The world is full of unrequited love,’ I said finally.’You and Patrick having problems?’ Dad said, reaching around to get the butter out of the fridge.’No, I was just wondering what you would say if...

I had a dream about you. You took control of my body and forced me to have sex with you. Then you called the cops, and the police said I raped you—but I was the...

Spontaneous human combustion is for superstitious atheists. I believe in deliberate human combustion.

Why…do you find this…distracting?