I knew you were awake. Who else spews such original and captivating swears?

Hello, Bradley,’ said Mom. She’d regained her composure after my outburst, and now raised her camera. ‘Stand close.”No, Mom,’ I said. ‘No pictures.”But you’re friend’s here now,’ she said, waving us together. ‘Smile!”I don’t need...

Rod Cockshutt, Professor Emeritus at N.C. State University called my book, Evidence of Insanity, “an extraordinary achievement” and told me to not change the last 10-15 pages no matter what.

… I have just experienced the most passionate kiss I’ve ever received from a guy, and it was on the freaking forehead!

He looked at Ghastly. “Thoughts?””I want to kill Sanguine,” was the first thing Ghastly said. “And I want to do it slowly, in front of a lot of people. Using a hammer.”Skulduggery nodded. “Very healthy.

Above him loomed a grotesque fat man […] His bedrobe was large enough to serve as a tourney pavilion, but its loosely knotted belt had come undone, exposing a huge white belly and a pair...

No,” Nathan grumbled. “Like, not piss on him, just all around him.” Stuart raised an eyebrow. “Nath, you need to chill. We’re in a bar, a busy bar. We can’t stop people talking to each...

I have a black belt in sarcasm, and my wit is like lightning.

Oh man, Alex. That’s sad. Seriously, mate, go get yourself laid.””What?” He gave Baldrick a quick kiss on his little head–he didn’t care how stupid he looked, he loved his ugly cat–and put him down...

Why are you staring at my boobs? My face is up here,” Trudy exclaims.Jack, the hotel employees, and I jump back like we’ve been electrocuted while the seniors don’t skip a beat. No. She. Didn’t....

Follow my finger.” He moved it around, tracking my eye movements. “Any blurred vision?””Well I think I’m hallucinating, because I see a big talking pile of crap.” – Joanne Baldwin.

She winced and covered her ears as Eric,onstage, wrestled with his microphone.”Sorry about that, guys!” he yelled. “All right. I’m Eric, and this is my homeboy Matt on the drums. My first poem is called...

Yes, I kidnapped that Lindberg baby.

I was going straight for Mantis, but then that bloody gas got in my eyes and, I don’t know, some massive bloke reared up in front of me. I hit him, but I swear, it...

Hadn’t retired reporter Stan warned him of how protective Cosimo was of his granddaughters? What if the Carusos had discovered his identity and wanted to rub him out as they’d rubbed out his father?Holy Mary,...

(Erin) ‘What do you think gave you this interest?’ Yep. There it was. ‘I’m not saying anything bad about it. I just wonder what makes one person want to hit another. Did I not give...

Dont shave,I like it..It helps with one of my new fantasies.””Yeah ?”Zack shifted a little to the center on top of him for maximum pleasure.”What new fantasy is that ?”Lucy grinned,the sleepiness in her smile...

God help him if any of them ever came true. Why, he’d be a two-headed, three-toed, monkey-nosed, blind son of a cesspit-licking lackey is she had her way.

No. No way. That name is reserved for females with grace and elegance, not this girl. This girl is…beastly.

I’m the master of distractions. A couple of hand gestures and BAM! I’ll pull the underwear clean off your butt.

Clearly, his winks were some sort of superpower, because I swear that if he asked me to jump from the roof of a tall building and then winked, I’d jump.

I was like, ‘Dude, make me look bad. Please. I want to look ugly. I want to wear orange pants.

Piers looked up at him. ‘You’re new. What’s your name?’ ‘Neythen, my lord.”Sounds like a terrible illness. No, more like a bowel problem. I’m sorry, Lord Sandys, your son has contracted neythen and won’t live...

So you need an alarm system because you gonna be in bad neighborhoods?””Actually, I sort of stole a car, and I’m afraid the owner will try to get it back.

Is my paranoia getting completely out of hand, or are you mongoloids really talking about me?

Will you show me what you really look like? You don’t sparkle, do you?

Terrorism is just a whole other level of anger management issues.

It wasn’t enough that I had to worry about playing well and winning the game, but I also had to deal with possibility that one of my teammates could be dragged off the field by...

Let’s pray that the human race never escapes Earth to spread its iniquity elsewhere.

How did I know? Paul, I’ve known since you were eight and I caught you masturbating in front of the TV to Bo and Luke Duke.

People tell me I look like my father. I’ve never seen my dad, so does that mean I look invisible?

If you’ve ever been there, you’ve never forgotten. The feeling is as haunting and familiar as the smell of a junior high school locker room.

All souls have a body.

Matty blinked. ‘You’re passing up whips for shopping?”You’re bitching about shopping?’ Rob countered.’I feel so torn!’ Matty pulled at his hair. ‘Oh my god. You suck.

I can’t see anything” he said in a muffled voice, hand over his eyes. “I’m blind.

God, I love you,” Mo said…

…I take photographs and I film my own home movies, I have a darkroom as well… but I can’t be a photojournalist like you… I can’t be anything… still, at least I can take photographs,...

for the rest of the night, that’s mine. Don’t touch it.

I am what prevents the Accelerator from being a bomb.””Except you didn’t,” said Gracious. “Because you weren’t around.””I got bored.””You’re a machine.””Machines can become bored, too.”Gracious looked suddenly concerned. “My toaster is bored?””Perhaps, ” said...

The shapes inched closer. I gaped at them, trying to discern their features. “I think I see dead people,” I whispered.”Yep,” Aidan said, smiling. “More vampire jokes. You’re just fine, then. Once this is over,...

You have what they call the complete package, Adders.-What do you know about my package?-No that package, you idiot! You are the complete package! I wasn’t talking about what’s in your trousers!

It was like bouncing tennis balls off a mystery piece of furniture and deducing, from the direction in which the balls ricocheted, whether it was a chair or a table or a Welsh dresser.

Elizabeth smiled warmly. “For you I will allow it, Mr. Trask. How is your wife, sir? Still putting up with you, or has she finally come to her senses and run away?” Trask laughed, slapping...

Nobody ever goes to that store to shop because it’s too crowded.

Roses are wilting, Violets are dead,The sugar bowl is empty,and so is your head.

Okay, well I think the programme is like being screamed at for an hour by a drunk with a strobe-light, but like I said–

I’m almost finished,” said Wilhelm, wiping out a line with his sleeve and drawing over it.”I never doubted you for a moment,” said Vex, then looked at Aurora and spoke more softly. “I actually doubted...

How much of my fever-induced dream was real? I felt safe assuming that my time as a bee was fiction, as well as a few mythological animals that I swear I’d seen. Then I’d lived...

I am a great warrior.

Lord John: ‘The court has suffered most sorely for your absence. We hardly know where to find our amusement now.’ Lady Nora: ‘I am sorry to hear that, I suppose it takes some wit to...