I knew you were awake. Who else spews such original and captivating swears?

Hello, Bradley,’ said Mom. She’d regained her composure after my outburst, and now raised her camera. ‘Stand close.”No, Mom,’ I said. ‘No pictures.”But you’re friend’s here now,’ she said, waving us together. ‘Smile!”I don’t need...

I am also very proud to be a liberal. Why is that so terrible these days? The liberals were liberatorsthey fought slavery, fought for women to have the right to vote, fought against Hitler, Stalin,...

Personally, I think knees should be kept for the eight or ninth date, or the wedding day. As a nice surprise, you know? ‘Oh, my darling, you have knees! I never would have thought!

Hmmm… that’s interesting.””What?””There seems to be a gentleman walking towards us with a shotgun.

Didn’t feel too friendly,” Gus mumbled just loud enough for me to hear. When surprised and excited and innocent Gus emerged from Grand Gesture Metaphorically Inclined Augustus, I literally could not resist.

And that’s the Susie who’s going to leave a gaping hole in my heart and my life if she doesn’t give me another chance.

I had one of those ideas I do sometimes get, though admittedly a chump of the premier class.

Has anyone ever told you that you’re unbearably rude?” she returned, facing him again.”Why, yes. You have on several occasions, as I recall. If you care to apologize for that, however, I’ll be happy to...

I had a fair idea how it felt to get spanked with a large flat surface, and my rump clenched in sympathy.

She was going to go to her room,munch on chocolate,then collapse into bed.And if her upstairs neighbors decided to talk about who the daddy was or cry again about how much David was loved,she’d go...

With these words there came the rending scream of a shattered stirk and an angry troubling of the branches as the poor madman percolated through the sieve of a sharp yew, a wailing black meteor...

We’re authors, too,” Donegan said, “and we’ve been trying to get into the picture-book market. We have this idea for a Where’s Wally type thing, except in ours, you’d have to find the one living...

Damn it! I knew she was a monster! John! Amy! Listen! Guard your buttholes.

I don’t lack for bed partners, so I don’t need to scrounge for unwilling scraps.-Spade

Don’t threaten me with a good time.

Mr. Babcock pats my shoulder. He smiles, and the caterpillar mustache — the envy of state troopers everywhere, I’m sure — straightens out again. I hear that on the weekends, he’s a part-time security guard...

No way, that would kill my diet for the week. I don’t know how you can stand to eat so unhealthy, Quinn. Just consider it an amuse-biatch.

Ramon Ramon is a riot. Totally paranoid, gangsta detective. Been reading it with my girlfriend on study breaks and it always gives us a good laugh. Not usually into fiction, but i’ve been giving this...

so, what are you in for? MANSLAUGHTER!!! I SLAUGHTERED A MAN!! JUST LIKE A PIG!!! PUT HIM ON A SPIT AND PUT AN APPLE IN HIS MOUTH!!!!

Promises are like assholes,” Elsbeth pipes up. “They stink when you put your nose in them.

This isn’t the first time I’ve used this, and the test subject showed no signs of impaired cognitive ability.””Who was the test subject?” asked Aurora.”I test everything out on myself before taking it into the...

No’ seems such a flimsy and inadequate little word to express how very little interest I have in hearing you rambling on about that particular topic.

Sionnach smiled in the way of the falsely modest and added, “Forgive me for not standing, but I can’t find the energy just yet.”the answering heat flare was enough to raise the temperature in the...

Cause she’s a piece of ass that will bring a tear to your eye.” Farah laughed.

Son of a motherfucking, ass-reaming, shit-eating, hell-dodging soulless bitch!

Gilly Gilleshpee

Now that he knew there was the possibility of gay porn in his future he was a happy hamster.

First, if you participate in Movember, fuck you. Second, if you want to raise money for prostate cancer (a noble cause), do it the old-fashioned way, by either begging for it or exerting yourself physically...

Personally, I thin knees should be kept for the eight or ninth date, or the wedding day. As a nice surprise, you know? ‘Oh, my darling, you have knees! I never would have thought!

We watch television and we play music, but mostly we’ve found ways to amuse ourselves.” “Really?” Valkyrie asked. “Like what?”Plight’s smile faded. “Like human sacrifice.”He grabbed one arm and Lenka grabbed the other and Valkyrie...

Who am I?What is my mission?

Listen you..you..”he sputtered.”You what ? You’ve already used hellion,draft girl and missy’ .i can think of several more degradation,but then again im not the one trying so hard to be intimidating.””How about you,maddending,foolish,moronic little chit...

When the officer approached the window, he said ‘Papers’ and before he could finish, I shouted, ‘Scissors! I win,’ and drove off.

Do you have nicknames for any of your other brothers?”The youngster squinted his dark gray eyes in concentration. “Well, Tristan is Dare, and sometimes he’s Tris; and Bradshaw is Shaw; and sometimes we call Andrew,...

I had a date last night with my boyfriend on batteries. What does a girl have to do to get laid by a real penis?

Rocher was on the floor, crawling on her stomach toward Jate’s feet. “I love you…,” she kept repeating, in a demonic whisper. “I have to show you… my butt.

Those are called stretch marks.””Stretch marks? How did you get them?” “Human females get them when we grow. If we grow too fast our skin rips apart and heals. It’s a very painful process.” Meryn lied...

Telephone

He things we think he’s a double agent, working for them but secretly working for us. He doesn’t know we know he’s a triple agent, working for them but secretly working for us but really...

Did those nice church ladies come by again?” He nodded. “I asked them if a man died and then the woman remarried, and then the three of them met in heaven, would it be a...

There is no way I’m going out in public like this!”It seemed while I was being tormented at the salon, Bones had been out shopping. I didn’t ask where he got the money from, images...

There are only so many hilarious actors so when they cross-pollinate, people assume it’s always the same actors and directors.

Chubi, rhymes with booby, which you don’t have, or doodie, which your face looks like,” she said smugly, leaning back and making her chair squeak.

Please, we know that all ittakes to get into your pants is a Hot Pocket and aNetFlix rental.

Sei: The Kudzu snacks were so good I had two and a half bowls but seeing you eat 16 and a half bowls was disgusting. I sriously considered killing you.Okita: You’re horrible! Besides then I’d...

Serena had to cross her legs: in moments of dire amusement her bladder tended to play tricks.

Doing nothing is hard. You never know when you’re done. —T-SHIRT

He liked murder. Murder and long walks had been two of his favorite things when he was younger.

Merlin seeks assistance from Pigwiggen, the only one of Arthur’s knights who is also a fairy, and they unite their enchantments to move the British Court to Turkestan. Lively end to Act One.