I knew you were awake. Who else spews such original and captivating swears?

I would but I’m scared the roof might fly off.”Nat and I burst into laughter. We laugh so much we both sob and laugh at the same time.

If the shoe fits, buy another one just like it.

Please don’t arrest me.””Listen to me, I’m not going to arrest you, ok? I’m not a cop.””Are you sure?””Am I sure I’m not a cop? yes, I’m sure.””You could be undercover.

He forced himself forward trying to seem innocent without acting like someone who was guilty who was trying to act innocent.

And then, on the final day, it was time for the faux Underground Railroad. This is the part that no one believes. “No adult would ever do that,” they say. “You can’t be remembering that...

With a nod, Thorne started down the street. ‘This way.’ Five steps later, he paused, pondered, turned around. ‘No, no, this way.’ ‘We’re dead.’ ‘No, I’ve got it now. It’s this way.’ ‘Don’t you have...

Jules could have sworn there was a devilish glint in the shopkeepers eye. ‘I find today I am in need of a bonnet.’Mr. Postlethwaite was silent. And then his eyes crept toward the marquess’s hairline.’It...

I dare you to call Ask-A-Nurse and tell them you feel a presence in your womb region.

That’s quite enough, Katie love. Why don’t you go paint some flowers or something. I need to have a word alone with Juliet.

I sprung you because I’ve got a message for you””doesn’t your family own a cell phone company?””only a little one

How are we going to get out of here?””Oh, escape is easy once you have the right plan.””Do we have the right plan?””Not yet.””Do we have any plan?””Not yet.

Which college?”Hmm?”Which college do you go to?’Fletcher nodded. ‘Yes.”I’m sorry?”Oh,’ Fletcher said, and laughed.Valkyrie’s parents looked at Fletcher in near bewilderment. Fletcher looked back at them in total bewilderment. Valkyrie shook her head.

(…) Trying to think of how to take the least crowded ways to class, so the least amount of people will stare at the hole in my neck. Sometimes it feels like it has a...

Tex’s head snapped in my direction.Fuckin’ A, woman, you’ve never had a s’more? he boomedI shook my head.Christ, everyone’s gotta have a s’more before they die. Fuck that shit, I’ll build a fire in my...

It’s brain,” I said; “pure brain! What do you do to get like that, Jeeves? I believe you must eat a lot of fish, or something. Do you eat a lot of fish, Jeeves?””No, sir.””Oh,...

Have they built cities on the moon?” another boy asked hopefully.”We left some garbage and a flag there in the sixties, but thats about it.

My favorite people are the ones that can make any unfunny joke hilarious by just laughing.

What man art thou that, thus bescreened in night,So stumblest on my counsel?*Who are you? Why do you hide in the darkness and listen to my private thoughts?*

Vale…

What’s a Dullahan?”He’s a headless horseman, in the service of the banshee.”Headless?”Yes.”Seriously?”Yes.”So he has no head?”That’s usually what headless means.”No head at all?”You’re really getting hung up on this headless thing, aren’t you?”It’s just kind...

I decided to masturbate with shampoo instead of conditioner today. Because yolo. Things Jesus never said.

If my pipes still worked, I’d go right back there and piss on your grave!

Anna gave her that disjointed look with which so many people regarded Hannah, as if they has fallen too many words behind to ever catch up.

At present, however, with his aching head and queasy stomach, Sebastian was feeling exceedingly resistible. Or if not that, then resistant. Aphrodite herself could descend from the ceiling, floating on a bloody clamshell, naked but...

What were you thinking?” I demanded once we were moving to the music. I was trying to ignore his hands. “Do you know how much trouble you may have gotten me in?”Adrian grinned. “Nah. They...

I nearly died!

Give it up, mister! No sex for you!” I yelled at the wall as my girls cackled maniacally.”Tons of sex for me, sister. None for you!” he yelled all too clearly through the wall.

somewhere between hello and I want this job, he’d lost all business sense and hired the pretty lady just because she wanted the job. Was it because she turned him into a seventeen-year-old with raging...

I have chiseled features. Look. Look how chiseled they are. And my teeth are at least as white as his. You seriously think he’s good-lookin’?””I do,” said Tanith.”Right,” Sanguine said and nodded. “I’m gonna kill...

There are few things more discomfiting than a spontaneous outburst of genuine decency from someone you’re determined to dislike for no good reason.

His father had always said, Son, the most important thing in life is to make a contribution. Who would have thought Kittridge’s contribution would be video-blogging from the front lines of the apocalypse?

He asked what she was in for and complimented the find workmanship of her metal extremities, but she ignored him, making him briefly question if he’d been separated from the female population for so long...

Cryptic Dad is cryptic,’ I muttered … We’d hung out all day today. Was there no time in there he could have said, ‘Oh, hey, meet me at the magical bookcase at the butt-crack of...

I really don’t think you should put your hand inside the manticore, dear. You don’t know where it’s been.”–Enid Healy

He even dressed up for you. He only has one stain on his t-shirt.- Rylie Cruz

Are they Russian by way of the Ozarks?

I want to read the employment section of the Bible. I think it’s simply called Job.

Just a few questions for you, Mr. Dunne. Or Kenny. Can I call you Kenny? I feel we’ve become friends in these past few seconds. Can I call you Kenny?

But you have so much in common. You’re both from strange little backwater planets. You both have odd powers. You’re male and she’s female. What more do you need? Believe me, buddy, if I were...

Yes,Pren,though I hope I never get thechance.

I have to go. Boss hasthis weird idea that I should actually work while he’s payingme.

I would like to point out, though, Lady Georgiana,” he continued, “that you have decided to stay in a household with five single gentlemen, three of them adults.””Four,” Andrew broke in, coloring. “I’m seventeen. That’s...

June cackled with delight, muttering, “Whoops!” as a car almost killed them.

What are you doing sister? / Killing swine.

As for the comparatively small class of violent crimes against persons, unconnected with any idea of gain, they were almost wholly confined, even in your day, to the ignorant and bestial; and in these days,...

Skul-man!’ he exclaimed as he rushed forward to shake his hand. ‘Last I heard you were trapped on a dead world overrun by evil trans-dimensional superfiends!’ Skulduggery nodded. ‘Just got back.

The side that has the least Dorito-flavored vomit on the floor after the party.

A vibrator can last all night, too, vampire! – Denise

Man, that was fun. And by fun, I mean seriously fucking creepy…