I knew you were awake. Who else spews such original and captivating swears?

Hello, Bradley,’ said Mom. She’d regained her composure after my outburst, and now raised her camera. ‘Stand close.”No, Mom,’ I said. ‘No pictures.”But you’re friend’s here now,’ she said, waving us together. ‘Smile!”I don’t need...

Clearly, his winks were some sort of superpower, because I swear that if he asked me to jump from the roof of a tall building and then winked, I’d jump.

I was like, ‘Dude, make me look bad. Please. I want to look ugly. I want to wear orange pants.

Piers looked up at him. ‘You’re new. What’s your name?’ ‘Neythen, my lord.”Sounds like a terrible illness. No, more like a bowel problem. I’m sorry, Lord Sandys, your son has contracted neythen and won’t live...

So you need an alarm system because you gonna be in bad neighborhoods?””Actually, I sort of stole a car, and I’m afraid the owner will try to get it back.

Is my paranoia getting completely out of hand, or are you mongoloids really talking about me?

Will you show me what you really look like? You don’t sparkle, do you?

Terrorism is just a whole other level of anger management issues.

It wasn’t enough that I had to worry about playing well and winning the game, but I also had to deal with possibility that one of my teammates could be dragged off the field by...

Let’s pray that the human race never escapes Earth to spread its iniquity elsewhere.

How did I know? Paul, I’ve known since you were eight and I caught you masturbating in front of the TV to Bo and Luke Duke.

People tell me I look like my father. I’ve never seen my dad, so does that mean I look invisible?

If you’ve ever been there, you’ve never forgotten. The feeling is as haunting and familiar as the smell of a junior high school locker room.

All souls have a body.

Matty blinked. ‘You’re passing up whips for shopping?”You’re bitching about shopping?’ Rob countered.’I feel so torn!’ Matty pulled at his hair. ‘Oh my god. You suck.

I can’t see anything” he said in a muffled voice, hand over his eyes. “I’m blind.

God, I love you,” Mo said…

…I take photographs and I film my own home movies, I have a darkroom as well… but I can’t be a photojournalist like you… I can’t be anything… still, at least I can take photographs,...

for the rest of the night, that’s mine. Don’t touch it.

I am what prevents the Accelerator from being a bomb.””Except you didn’t,” said Gracious. “Because you weren’t around.””I got bored.””You’re a machine.””Machines can become bored, too.”Gracious looked suddenly concerned. “My toaster is bored?””Perhaps, ” said...

The shapes inched closer. I gaped at them, trying to discern their features. “I think I see dead people,” I whispered.”Yep,” Aidan said, smiling. “More vampire jokes. You’re just fine, then. Once this is over,...

You have what they call the complete package, Adders.-What do you know about my package?-No that package, you idiot! You are the complete package! I wasn’t talking about what’s in your trousers!

It was like bouncing tennis balls off a mystery piece of furniture and deducing, from the direction in which the balls ricocheted, whether it was a chair or a table or a Welsh dresser.

Elizabeth smiled warmly. “For you I will allow it, Mr. Trask. How is your wife, sir? Still putting up with you, or has she finally come to her senses and run away?” Trask laughed, slapping...

Nobody ever goes to that store to shop because it’s too crowded.

Roses are wilting, Violets are dead,The sugar bowl is empty,and so is your head.

Okay, well I think the programme is like being screamed at for an hour by a drunk with a strobe-light, but like I said–

I’m almost finished,” said Wilhelm, wiping out a line with his sleeve and drawing over it.”I never doubted you for a moment,” said Vex, then looked at Aurora and spoke more softly. “I actually doubted...

How much of my fever-induced dream was real? I felt safe assuming that my time as a bee was fiction, as well as a few mythological animals that I swear I’d seen. Then I’d lived...

I am a great warrior.

Lord John: ‘The court has suffered most sorely for your absence. We hardly know where to find our amusement now.’ Lady Nora: ‘I am sorry to hear that, I suppose it takes some wit to...

The alien in my uncle hand obviously taken full control. Soon, it would claw its way out of his stomach and tap dance across my bed

I am alergic to these flowers.-I know.

Everybody! This is my cousin right here, and he just dethroned God’s gift to Women – Griffin

I think I kind of like the idea of you all cold and wet.””Oh right, I’ll be at my best; no visible balls, and a dick that looks like a Chiclet…””I can fix that,” laughed...

Everyone got behind Fox, the name the guys had dubbed the red truck.”Fox?” I asked, raising an eyebrow.”Yeah,” Isaac said with a grin. “Our truck is hot, like Megan Fox.

Besides my great fashion sense? I play a mean harmonica.

The door handle turned. Someone knocked, and a man’s voice called, “Uh, hello?”Valkyrie looked at Skulduggery, looked back at the others, looked at Skulduggery again.”Hello,” Skulduggery said, speaking loudly to be heard over the alarm....

And, really, she did like Chandler, too. She did. What woman wouldn’t? He was handsome and successful, a member of one of Nashville’s oldest and most prominent families. But she’d never felt anything more than...

My greatest privilege is being married to a gentle loving husband. I am very grateful God made our path cross.

Honey, are you being safe?”I wear my seat belt, yes.”Does this Rob Lovely wear a seat belt too?’Matty sighed. ‘Mother, seat belts should be worn at all times when in a moving vehicle. Didn’t you...

He was still thoughtful. ‘Do you think any of us ever really knows anyone?’ ‘Philosophy, Lord Dryden? And yet it’s daylight and everyone is still sober.

When she and Wren divided up their clothes, Wren had taken anything that said “party at a boy’s place” or “leaving the house.” Cath had taken everything that said “up all night writing” or “it’s...

Laboratory scientists use formaldehyde as a disinfectant or preservative. They don’t fucking drink it.

If anybody is a master at improvisation, it would be Ken Jeong. He is hilarious.

Oh- and grab the plastic bag over by my suitcase.”I slug down the last of the coffee and get up. The bag contains panty hose. I put them on her desk.”They’re for you.””You want me...

What are you doing?””I’m, uh, acting normal.””No you’re not. You’re acting like someone pretending to be normal. Stop pretending and start acting, but don’t act like you’re not pretending, that’ll make it worse.

tiny doesn’t just sing these words – he belts them. it’s like a parade coing out of his mouth. i have no doubt the words travel over lake michigan to most of canada and on...

Things that remind me of our parents,” Poppy said absently, “and that lovely cottage in Primrose Place… they always make me feel better. Like eating these tarts. And flower-print curtains. And reading Aesop’s fables.” “The...