I knew you were awake. Who else spews such original and captivating swears?

Hello, Bradley,’ said Mom. She’d regained her composure after my outburst, and now raised her camera. ‘Stand close.”No, Mom,’ I said. ‘No pictures.”But you’re friend’s here now,’ she said, waving us together. ‘Smile!”I don’t need...

I see ” the Inspector said and left it at that. Later I would have a quick piddle behind the caravan for insurance purposes. No one would be any the wiser.

Why are babies allowed to cry when they wake up, but adults crying when they wake is frowned upon? Babies are permitted to act like assholes whenever they feel like it and no one blinks…

The Engineer smiled (internally, for of course it had no mouth). It was feeling good. It was feeling optimistic. Moving at its current speed, it would arrive back in Ireland in plenty of time to...

I came up with my own expression. I like to make it hail. Yeah. That’s when you throw change on sluts.

Only if you gag them.

What brain? I don’t think he has one. I think he’s just one giant exposed nerve ending. I swear sometimes at night, I can hear his neurons snapping like popcorn.

He ground his teeth together, the torture of it almost more than he could bear.The urge to pull her to him was overwhelming, but to do that would cost him dearly, for no doubt she...

My new move.

Si, the speed limit sign said 35. Your Goin’ 55.” -Sadie Robertson”Oh, that’s just a suggestion.

Where’s your car? Miles asks, glancing at him as he slams his door shut and slings his backpack over his shoulder. “And whats up with your hand?””I got rid of it,” Damen says, gaze fixed...

I want to be a naughty pirate, because when I put on that eye patch, it barely covers my genitals.

Neythen looked perplexed. ‘My mum always said I’m named after a saint, not an illness.”Which one?”Well he had his head chopped off, see? And then he picked it up and carried it down the road...

…I blink back the threat of tears, swiped at my nose and narrowed my eyes. “Listen to me, you two bags of monkey shit, “I yelled. “I am not in a good mood. My car...

Once there was an elephant,Who tried to use the telephant-No! no! I mean an elephoneHe tried to use the telephone-(Dear me! I am not certain quiteThat even now I’ve got it right.)Howe’er it was, he...

From the Diary of the Duchess of RoxburgheI vow, I cannot seem to walk past a window without seeing my great-nephew carrying Miss Balfour somewhere. All great romantic poems have such scenes where the hero,...

You Sure this is it?” I said. “It looks empty.””Empty? No way, there’s loads of shit in there,” worm replied

Thats what happens to Snow in Texas, lady. It freaking MELTS!!” Leo Valdez- The Lost Hero

Roy Mustang looks dead sexy…in a miniskirt!

Rod Cockshutt, Professor Emeritus at N.C. State University called my book, Evidence of Insanity, “an extraordinary achievement” and told me to not change the last 10-15 pages no matter what.

… I have just experienced the most passionate kiss I’ve ever received from a guy, and it was on the freaking forehead!

He looked at Ghastly. “Thoughts?””I want to kill Sanguine,” was the first thing Ghastly said. “And I want to do it slowly, in front of a lot of people. Using a hammer.”Skulduggery nodded. “Very healthy.

Above him loomed a grotesque fat man […] His bedrobe was large enough to serve as a tourney pavilion, but its loosely knotted belt had come undone, exposing a huge white belly and a pair...

No,” Nathan grumbled. “Like, not piss on him, just all around him.” Stuart raised an eyebrow. “Nath, you need to chill. We’re in a bar, a busy bar. We can’t stop people talking to each...

I have a black belt in sarcasm, and my wit is like lightning.

Oh man, Alex. That’s sad. Seriously, mate, go get yourself laid.””What?” He gave Baldrick a quick kiss on his little head–he didn’t care how stupid he looked, he loved his ugly cat–and put him down...

Why are you staring at my boobs? My face is up here,” Trudy exclaims.Jack, the hotel employees, and I jump back like we’ve been electrocuted while the seniors don’t skip a beat. No. She. Didn’t....

Follow my finger.” He moved it around, tracking my eye movements. “Any blurred vision?””Well I think I’m hallucinating, because I see a big talking pile of crap.” – Joanne Baldwin.

She winced and covered her ears as Eric,onstage, wrestled with his microphone.”Sorry about that, guys!” he yelled. “All right. I’m Eric, and this is my homeboy Matt on the drums. My first poem is called...

Yes, I kidnapped that Lindberg baby.

I was going straight for Mantis, but then that bloody gas got in my eyes and, I don’t know, some massive bloke reared up in front of me. I hit him, but I swear, it...

Hadn’t retired reporter Stan warned him of how protective Cosimo was of his granddaughters? What if the Carusos had discovered his identity and wanted to rub him out as they’d rubbed out his father?Holy Mary,...

(Erin) ‘What do you think gave you this interest?’ Yep. There it was. ‘I’m not saying anything bad about it. I just wonder what makes one person want to hit another. Did I not give...

Dont shave,I like it..It helps with one of my new fantasies.””Yeah ?”Zack shifted a little to the center on top of him for maximum pleasure.”What new fantasy is that ?”Lucy grinned,the sleepiness in her smile...

God help him if any of them ever came true. Why, he’d be a two-headed, three-toed, monkey-nosed, blind son of a cesspit-licking lackey is she had her way.

No. No way. That name is reserved for females with grace and elegance, not this girl. This girl is…beastly.

I’m the master of distractions. A couple of hand gestures and BAM! I’ll pull the underwear clean off your butt.

Clearly, his winks were some sort of superpower, because I swear that if he asked me to jump from the roof of a tall building and then winked, I’d jump.

I was like, ‘Dude, make me look bad. Please. I want to look ugly. I want to wear orange pants.

Piers looked up at him. ‘You’re new. What’s your name?’ ‘Neythen, my lord.”Sounds like a terrible illness. No, more like a bowel problem. I’m sorry, Lord Sandys, your son has contracted neythen and won’t live...

So you need an alarm system because you gonna be in bad neighborhoods?””Actually, I sort of stole a car, and I’m afraid the owner will try to get it back.

Is my paranoia getting completely out of hand, or are you mongoloids really talking about me?

Will you show me what you really look like? You don’t sparkle, do you?

Terrorism is just a whole other level of anger management issues.

It wasn’t enough that I had to worry about playing well and winning the game, but I also had to deal with possibility that one of my teammates could be dragged off the field by...

Let’s pray that the human race never escapes Earth to spread its iniquity elsewhere.

How did I know? Paul, I’ve known since you were eight and I caught you masturbating in front of the TV to Bo and Luke Duke.

People tell me I look like my father. I’ve never seen my dad, so does that mean I look invisible?

If you’ve ever been there, you’ve never forgotten. The feeling is as haunting and familiar as the smell of a junior high school locker room.