Brookfield High School. How may I direct your call? No, sir, this is not a waste- disposal unit, I’m afraid you have the wrong number.

He looked at her defiantly, and she thought: and so one at a time we all become human—human werewolves, human dwarfs, human trolls …the melting pot melts in one direction only, and so we make...

He is very dry but also very funny… I think people tend to feel odd when I do my act. Unless you are an ironic person, it’s not a good place for you to be.

I think it’s something like Mr. Peter Sloane and the octogenarians. The other evening Mrs. Sloane was reading a newspaper ans she said to Mr. Sloane ‘I see here that another octogenarian has just died....

A brick could be used to build a house—or destroy it, one window at a time.

When I was growing up I always wanted to be someone. Now I realize I should have been more specific.

A brick could be used to sway the voters. But if you really want to sway them, try using a catchy song.

What do you call a rifle with three barrels?A trifle.

A blanket could be used for selfish reasons. I would list those reasons, but they’re mine—all of them. Mine, mine, mine, mine, mine.

Only then did I see. Something was amiss with Patrick’s snap-on one piece, or “onesie” as we manly dads like to call it. His chubby thighs, I now realized, were squeezed into the armholes, which...

A blanket could be used to sell ice cream to streakers. Well, it could, if those naked runners didn’t leave their wallets in their pants.

Oh you rebel you!

A blanket, as the epitome of warmth, could be used to stop colds. Also, sex with me might be the surest way to prevent a cold.

^Do every day a thing that scares you_♥

A brick could be used to attract a potential life partner. Yes indeed, and it’s how I met my ex wife. And the only reason she didn’t become my life partner was because I outlived...

New Yorkers, I figured, just pretended to be unfriendly.

If a blanket could be used to keep one person warm, then it stands to reason that all the blankets in the world are to blame for global warming, and I think our political leaders,...

The whole point of straws, I had thought, was that you did not have to set down the slice of pizza to suck a dose of Coke while reading a paperback.

A brick could be used instead of a red light. They’re both red, and I’d run both with equal fervor.

If you know how to open doors with just a smile, you must need your teeth capped every six months

Whenever you feel like feeling like a devil’s advocate, Bible-thump. That, in a worldly world, is the great irony and satire of evangelism.

You said you’d give me half an hour!”And you said you’d satisfy me whenever I wanted it. I want it now.’ He removed is jacket. ‘Drop the towel.”I-I never agreed to be naked!

A brick could be utilized to teach the danger of procrastination. Ignoring the brick and pretending everything will work itself out is not going to transform it into a wall.

Please stop talking. I’m trying to eat.

When someone says so-and-so’s opinionated, what’s that mean? Aren’t we all opinionated? Show me one person with no opinions, and I’ll show you a bowl of Jell-O—or a politician, whichever one’s dumber.

Wisdom of the Ages: “Government” Like a mafia protection racket-without the protection.

A brick could be used as a cock block.

Revenge of the Giant Grill Man.

A brick and a blanket could be used to show creativity, by making them the subjects of a divergence test. Oh wait, that’s what this is. Nevermind.

Once there was an elephant,Who tried to use the telephant-No! no! I mean an elephoneHe tried to use the telephone-(Dear me! I am not certain quiteThat even now I’ve got it right.)Howe’er it was, he...

A brick could be used to destroy your mannequin lover. It’s the only proper thing to do. Remember, I was the one who warned you about dating a politician.

[Clover] secretly hitched a ride with a nice German couple and their new baby…Clover appeared to the baby, so as to be a delightful, soothing surprise. Well, the child did like Clover. In fact, she...

A brick could be used to revive the spiritual movement in America. But are we as a people willing to accept the unacceptable into our lives? Sadly, I’m afraid I’m crying at the answer, which...

I mean, I don’t know why, since I’m simply delightful to be around. But to each his own taste.

A brick could be used in the same manner as a magician’s hat could be used as a basketball. I’m not suggesting a brick replace a basketball, because that’d be silly. But not as silly...

transformed” her into a cheerleader by the end of the show. I was just wondering: what if she liked field hockey better?

I’m not scared any more,’ said Midge. ‘Thank you, Kevin. Sometimes you can be very kind.’‘Yes,’ said Kevin. ‘And if you tell that to any of the other trolls I will pull off your nose...

I wont take no for an answer. I will use this to bind you to my bed until you change your mind if you dont answer the way I want you to. Will you marry...

A brick could be used in speech therapy, to cure a stutter. I mean look at me, I don’t have a stutter. But to be fair, I never did have a stutter, so I can’t...

You just wanted to walk in front of me so I’d have to stare at your butt

Politically, Republicans and Democrats are at opposite ends. One’s a burp and the other’s a fart.

Crazy moment!! When you suddenly laughed because you remember something funny and then realised that strangers were lookin at you weirdly (why the hell he’s laughin) and immediately you changed your expression to serious.

I actually think I’m more of a turtle than Verne is. Where Verne is up on two legs and moving at full speed and doesn’t pull his head into the shell very often, I in...

Sorry, no professionals.

i think that i was a rat in rat wheel in my previous life… can not forget the habit

Paddle Harder

For the first time in my life, I was in a shoot-out. A real, honest-to-goodness shoot-out with a bad guy. And, apparently, we both sucked.

Are you there God? It’s me, Margaret.

I began to think I quite liked her really. It’s always so nice to meet someone more badly behaved than oneself.

Cedric, man, it’s like if I’m working with you, like I’m sitting here now talking to you, I want to get along with you. That’s how I am. I feel like if I get along...