You don’t appreciate a faithful husband when you’ve got one,’ said Tommy.’All my friends tell me you never know with husbands,’ said Tuppance.’You have the wrong kind of friends,’ said Tommy.

They sent the shrink round yesterday. He’s put me on Prozac. Prozac! He thinks I’m depressed.”Aren’t you depressed?”I wasn’t depressed.”You did try to kill yourself,’ I pointed out.’Yes. That’s what he said too. Apparently that’s...

You get money out of acting. You get gray hair out of directing. Actually, I get more of a rush from directing.

In my opinion, all boyfriends should turn out to be secretly wealthy.

I threatened to kung fu you. Oh my God.

If I’m not working, I don’t know what to do.

…that was before I’d started thinking about how life stuck on a ship wouldn’t be so bad if Elder walked around pantless more.

How many people here have telekenetic powers? Raise my hand.

Crime writers, I’ve noticed, can be jumpy. They live in a world where there are murderers on the loose and they haven’t been caught yet!

Hey, Geekoid!” yelled Duncan Dougal, “Why do you read so much? Don’t you know how to watch TV?

They should make bubblegum that tastes like mashed potatoes. You know, for lovers.

You’re seventeen! Why do I have to keep reminding you of that? There are soooo many women you haven’t even met yet! Don’t act like you’re tired of the puss-puss, no guy is ever tired...

Evil influence is like a nicotine patch, you cannot help but absorb what sticks to you.

C: What do you get when a giant sneezes?Out of the way. – Marigold

What early tongue so sweet saluteth me?

Lash had been explaining to her that it’s impolite to refer to an African American as a nigga, unless one was another African American, when Troy Lee came in and said, “She only speaks Cantonese.””She...

Just think it through Ace. I’m sure the answer will come to you… eventually.” Jake sat there in silence, staring at the closed door to Sher’s bedroom. What had just happened here? Well, he’d just...

He who does not want to communicate will never enjoy their silence for very long.

A man should be taller, older, heavier, uglier, and hoarser than his wife.

You’re right. I was having dinner with Zombie Carl the other night. You know, steaks, rare, and a bottle of vintage type A. He told me all his secrets, but too bad for you I...

I wondered if full-blooded vampires had something like blue balls for their fangs if they didn’t get to feed when they were expecting to. Like some kind of pseudo-sexual gingivitis.

We made love like two people trying to make love like three people in the trunk of a car.

A brick could be used to help you become the next Great American Novelist. Hopefully after you use it to crack your own skull, and not too long after your death, the public will realize...

I found out why cats drink out of the toilet. My mother told me it’s because the water is cold in there. And I’m like, how did my mother know that?

I’m not the smartest fellow in the world, but I can sure pick smart colleagues.

A brick could be used to suppress the price of gold. But not for very long, because once the people realize the unrealized potential in undercutting the central bankers, gold will rise and fiat currency...

. . . you worked for Harry King, they said, because a broken leg was bad for business, and Harry King was all about business.

How rude of me, we haven’t even introduced ourselves. We’re the Andersons. I’m Evan, the lovely size-zero lass in the floppy sun hat is my wife Amy, and these are our best friends/children, Evan and...

A brick could be used like sandpaper, to smooth out a cat’s rough tongue.

There are different types of love, and my love for my child is like me and my mum. We’ve gone through a lot of rocky patches, but we never stop loving.

You know how I think they choose people for Gryffindor team?” said Malfoy loudly a few minutes later, as Snape awarded Hufflepuff another penalty for now reason at all. “It’s people they feel sorry for....

No headboards were broken.

I promise you that I don’t want to be pegged, Isa.

Things Isabella Wouldn’t Care About: – Titanic sinking again. – Metror striking Earth and landing directly on top of world’s most innocent panda. – Titanic sinking again and this time the entire crew is puppies.

A brick could be used to separate two types of people. On the left is a guy who loves my writing, and on the right is a girl who loves my writing. Now I love...

When we talk to God, we’re praying. When God talks to us, we’re schizophrenic.

A brick could be used to encourage trees to grow fruitful things like money. If money grew on trees, then I’d get drunk on that fermentation.

Wondering where Ranger was now, when I needed him. Why wasn’t he here, insisting on locking me up in a safe house? Now that my hamster’s cage was clean, I’d be happy to oblige.

A blanket could be used to announce your intention to announce your intentions. Make sure the blanket is neon orange though, or you might not get the attention you deserve.

I was momentarily stunned by his odd announcement and told him as much. “Let’s just talk about the fact that you composed a sonnet to my vagina, shall we? You are sending off some major...

A brick could be used to instill courage in the cowardly. But training must begin at birth, and the weak identified while they are still hiding in the womb.

You. Me. Exorcist.-Bones

A blanket could be used like cloud cover

We all men want a bad girl friend, but a good wife.

A blanket could be used to alert your guest when he’s overstayed his welcome. But what’s even more effective would be a flying brick at his forehead. Subtlety can be a bit soft, and can...

Let’s play Russian roulette. If you win, I give you a Colombian necktie.

A blanket could be used to reduce the weight of love, by exactly one person. It’s a cold world out there.

It’s not hard to fail…it’s hard to accept you failed…but once that’s out of the way, it’s pretty smooth sailing

Drunken men give some of the best pep talks.

He said “cool” like I say a Spanish word when I’m not sure of the pronunciation.