I can’t,” I said. “I threw my back out masturbating.

A hotel room all to myself is my idea of a good time.

While looking at a website for liposuction, I learned that it was a six-to eight-week recovery period, the clincher being that, during that time, I would under no circumstances be able to use street drugs....

The big one was at least cute, and as annoying as she was, you couldn’t get mad at a golden retriever.

I had always dreamed of being a professional escort but never thought that there was any real money in it.

There are two kinds of people I don’t trust: people who don’t drink and people who collect stickers.

We checked our bags and got on line with some of our fellow passengers. Judging from the looks of them, it was clear that they were members of a different income bracket from the people...

I don’t appreciate people who celebrate their dog’s birthdays with “dog parties,” and then invite their friends who don’t even have dogs. I understand why people like dogs, and I think they definitely bring more...

I don’t like to overdose. Call me old-fashioned.

After discovering him in his threesome, I spent the next two weeks in bed suffering from a severe case of vagina elbow. It’s a condition not unlike tennis elbow, but you get it from masturbating.

Are you there vodka? It’s me, Chelsea. Please get me out of jail and I promise I will never drink again. Drink and drive. I will never drink and drive again. I may even start...

If I had seen pictures of people eating each other on the wall, I would’ve told him I was into cannibalism.

Another thing I take issue with are people who take their dogs on “play dates,” or even worse, people who choose to dress their dogs up in outfits better suited for homosexuals participating in a...

I went out with a guy who once told me I didn’t need to drink to make myself more fun to be around. I told him, I’m drinking so that you’re more fun to be...

Sometimes, Chelsea, I wonder, how you get by from day to day. It’s a good thing you’re so voluptuous.

Obviously, if I was serious about having a relationship with someone long-term, the last people I would introduce him to would be my family.

My mother is European and expresses her love through food and cuddling. She wasn’t the type of mother who would make it to school plays or soccer games, but if you wanted to stay at...

Shamu and I have arrived safely in Costa Rica. He was stopped by airport security because he carries enough artillery in his pants pockets to construct a sawed-off shotgun. Evidently, he thought we were headed...

I have a question. Is it okay to drink while you’re pregnant…if you’re planning on giving the baby up for adoption?

Seconds later, the female security officer grabbed a pair of my father’s shorts from the top of the duffel bag, and emptied out the contents of his pockets. A lighter, three nail files, a pocket...

My mother told me that life isn’t always about pleasing yourself and that sometimes you have to do things for the sole benefit of another human being. I completely agreed with her, but reminded her...

I had heard my brothers and sisters use curse words but had never dared use one myself in front of anyone. But I had practiced alone in my room lots of times, trying out different...

One of my girlfriends was getting married. This was becoming an annoying pattern.

My mother agreed to aid my abuse of alcohol but only if I promised never to tell my newly converted Mormon sister, whose identity I had stolen.

My relationship with my father had been on the proverbial fritz since the time I was fifteen and called the police to report him for child molesting. He had never molested me, but I wanted...

I’m not that shallow, asshole. I don’t need money. It’s way more important for them to be good-looking.

This kind of mixing of ingredients happens all the time at fast-food places… You know when you order french fries and there’s a rogue onion ring at the bottom. You know, at first you’re alarmed...

My mother is the antithesis of a typical Jewish mother, she is very soft-spoken and takes more naps that a cat. As a result, I’ve always longed for someone to really annoy the shit out...

Men don’t realize that if we’re sleeping with them on the first date, we’re probably not interested in seeing them again either.

I was in a tailspin of confusion I hadn’t experienced since the first time I heard George W. Bush speak.

I never say the things I really want to. If I did, I’d have no friends.

How could I have missed the opportunity to pop pills with my sister who was purer than a Quaker?

You know you’re a hot mess when the only person buying you drinks all night is yourself.

Why are babies allowed to cry when they wake up, but adults crying when they wake is frowned upon? Babies are permitted to act like assholes whenever they feel like it and no one blinks…

And just like that, as if I hadn’t said anything at all, the ladies sprang into a conversation about the sinful nature the Jews possessed when killing their Lord Jesus. I didn’t know if I...

It was Valentine’s Day and I had spent the day in bed with my life partner, Ketel One. The two of us watched a romance movie marathon on TBS Superstation that made me wonder how...

My tendency to make up stories and lie compulsively for the sake of my own amusement takes up a good portion of my day and provides me with a peace of mind not easily attainable...

There’s nothing more annoying than a man ordering wine at a bar when you’re not eating.

Seeing your mother naked is not something you easily recover from. Seeing your mother naked and jumping from one side of a king-sized bed to the other with a nurse’s hat on while your father,...

When I get married, I’m gonna register at Bank of America.

My negotiation skills are are on par with George Bush’s reading ability. And just like Dubya, every time I’ve tried to put forth an effort, I am reminded that my only true strength lies in...

I didn’t really spend much time with anyone my own age during high school because I believed my true calling would be representing New Jersey in the U.S. Senate, and if that didn’t work out,...

There are many ways to get to know someone, and my favorite is seeing them naked in Happy Baby pose.I also feel it is important to have sex soon after meeting someone in order to...

Even if times are tough and you’re enduring a terrible heartache, it’s important to focus your anger on a vibrator, not another person.

Austin and I proceeded to knock back a couple of Ketel One and grapefruit juices, which happened to be my drink of the moment. Someone told me that grapefruit was a great detoxifier and I...

I love people who have such passion for complete nonsense.