A brick could be given as a graduation gift to a C student. It’s like here, welcome to a life in the construction industry.

Cowboy!” she hollered.Every man on the street turned to stare at her.”–pg.117

Stop” as you hold out a stiff arm and just stand there. It might feel like you’re waiting your whole life for that train to stop, and quite possibly you will wait your whole life...

Yes, I know,” Isadora said, and then read her poem, leaning forward so Carmelita Spats would not overhear:”I would rather eat a bowl of vampire batsthan spend an hour with Carmelita Spats.”The Baudelaires giggled and...

Why did the brick and blanket cross the road? Because some maniac had just run over the chicken. That maniac was me, and that chicken was delicious.

Okay, I’ll wear the Bite Me shirt,[…]It’ll be my standard response to any­one who tries to hit on me.” I giggle. “Someone can come up and be like ‘Hey babe, what’s your sign?’ and I’ll...

Bye,” but to me it means food. Of the greetings, goodbye is the desert.

Some people drip wax on themselves like a human chianti bottle to see if they feel anything….but getting a wicker basket to fit them is a fiasco

She must have been very anxious about a first boy friend to fall in love with a Colgate boy

She’d made him watch every Alien movie. Most of the goriest scenes were accompanied by his dialogue: ‘Ach, that’s no’ – that’s just no’ right…. Bloody hell, this canna be right.

If a tie is like kissing your sister, losing is like kissing your grandmother with her teeth out.

You’re ruining that book!” He pointed to the page I’d torn out. “That’s a perfectly good book!” Holding his gaze, I reached down and ripped another page out. “I’m making roses.” “Well, it’s my book.”...

I managed to beat Michael Phelps’ 400 meter IM time. And not only did I beat his time, but I did it in exactly 200 meters.

Wisdom of the Ages: “Women” Any culture that has supported the education, rights and sanctity of women has dominated those cultures who have not. As Lycurgus the Spartan lawgiver once said, “Strong women make strong...

Will you sleep with me?” I expect you to run to the bedroom, get naked, and get under the blanket. Whatever you do, do not reach for the brick.

Beatrix wished she were a swooning sort of female. It seemed the only appropriate response to the situation.Unfortunately, no matter how she tried to summon a swoon, her mind remained intractably conscious.

It is not really hard to do nothing. Many can. The hard part is doing nothing without feeling guilty about it.

Cabel flicks his fingers at her, spraying her with water. Grinning. “Sure. I think I’m pretty lucky. I bet blind people have great sex. I’ll even wear a blindfold so it’s fair.” He bumps his...

Start thinking positively. You will notice a difference. Instead of “I think I’m a loser,” try “I definitely am a loser.” Stop being wishy-washy about things! How much more of a loser can you be...

Sydney did not believe in life after death, but in her experience, admitting this could lead to long and complicated discussions in which people seemed to think that since she did not believe in God...

A brick could be thrown, like a football, only instead of a wide receiver, I’d recommend sending out a politician to catch your pass.

It’s not true that I had nothing on. I had the radio on.

How can He be perfect? Everything He ever makes…dies.

Maple thought optimistically that human beings, on their good days, weren’t much dimmer than sheep. Or at least, not much dimmer than dim sheep.

My name is Mr. Brickton, and this brick, it weighs a ton.

I just don’t believe in helping people who are going to torture me. Though I don’t see any bamboo slivers. How can you possibly torture someone without bamboo slivers?

A brick could be used for a calf muscle implant for a bodybuilder who wants a competitive edge.

I didn’t dream about you last night. I woke up in fear.

Ray was not even cool back in those days. He wasn’t popular, he wasn’t cool. It’s so funny, and now he’s like so popular and everything

One of these days I’m gonna beat him in the face with the butt of my service revolver until an eyeball pops out. These are the thoughts that keep me happy.

The only way I would go back to hosting would be if it were something entirely new. It would prevent me from wanting to host a standard-fare kind of talk show.

I’m waiting with baited breath to hear that silver tongue of yours.

ONLY’ having the Gift, people appreciate this madness as Art. Everybody wants to have Art in their lives, but no body wants to have what the Art came out from in their lives…

Late twenties, single, female. Do the math.Flirty flings were fabulous until you hit the big three-O, all downhillfrom there. Biological clocks started ticking like time bombs waiting todetonate, gravity exerted more force on your life...

One of my girlfriends was getting married. This was becoming an annoying pattern.

Cause she’s a piece of ass that will bring a tear to your eye.” Farah laughed.

They told me that nothing was a sin, just a poor life choice. Poor impulse control. That nothing is evil. Any concept of right versus wrong, according to them, is merely a cultural construct relative...

I think in life, the sense of humor and comedy always exists.

Love is what you make it. Unfortunately, I can’t make it today, as I have a doctor’s appointment.

What doesn’t kill you makes you CRAZY, GRUMPY, MAD AS EVER? NO it makes you STRONGER! Yep,you’ll get there eventually!

I’ll wipe a booger on your living room wall, not only to show I was there, but also to say thanks for having me over.

A blanket is a tell-all story about its endeavors with certain highly publicized people and their somewhat promiscuous acts.

Then at least you’ll never be disappointed.

I’m tired, I’m hungry and I have a head in a bag,” I warned him. “Do not fuck with me.

I want my kids to have the things in life that I never had when I was growing up. Things like beards and chest hair.

I’m kidding. I enjoy cooking. It relaxes me.

I’m on a government watch list. But I’m not interested, because government watches only work twenty minutes out of every hour.

If a problem can be solved, there is nothing to worry about. If it can’t be solved, well you can always buy chocolate 🙂

The last time somebody pointed out that cowboys ride horses, not tricycles, I shot him. Of course, I waited until another gunslinger gunned him down, but nevertheless, I still shot him.

The tavern keeper, a wiry man with a sharp-nosed face, round, prominent ears and a receding hairline that combined to give him a rodentlike look, glanced at him, absentmindedly wiping a tankard with a grubby...