A blanket could be used to feed the homeless. I mean warm the coldless. I mean coldsome. I wouldn’t know, because I’m homefull.

Oh my god, I am a banana.

A brick could be used to stop the tears. The inside of my jeans’ pockets look suspiciously like handkerchiefs. Here, let me take off my pants so you can blow your nose.

I’ve knitted myself a hat, it’s plum red with an appealing lace pattern, I figured that a few air holes would be nice now that it’s spring. I put it on and feel like a...

A brick could be used to suppress certain groups of people, particularly those individuals who are too weak to stand up and say Hey, somebody get this brick off of me—it’s crushing me!

Do not complain about two things; your job and your position, because you can always change them.

A brick could be translated into Spanish, and then used to landscape a lawn.

Bob, would you be willing to take on Evil Bob?”Bob’s eyes darted nervously. “I’d . . . prefer not to. I’d really, really prefer not to. You have no idea. That me was crazy. And...

A blanket could be used to fix your broken marriage. You’ll also need duct tape, an empty car trunk, a getaway driver, and the most opportune moment to snatch your mother-in-law away to never be...

the table of elements does not contain one of the most powerful elements that make up our world, and that is the element of surprise.

A blanket could be used to cause global warming. If you don’t want to future generations to die, I’d recommend shivering in your bare bed.

SWAT? For me?” Still trembling, one hand clung to the ambulance gurney, the other held a massive sterilised cotton wool wad under my nose.”Tactical Support was busy. You got Dennis and Arlo,” said Harry, speed-reading...

A brick could be used as a device to deliver bad news. Sometimes it’s better to be blunt.

Furthermore–though it was quite irrelevant now–he had no idea his killer, Kazuo Kiriyama, had, in his mansion that was much larger than Toshinori’s home in Shiroiwa-cho, mastered the violin at a level far superior to...

The logic behind patriotism is a mystery. At least a man who believes that his own family or clan is superior to all others is familiar with more than 0.000003% of the people involved.

And they certainly wouldn’t take you along to a murder. That would be irresponsible parenting.

A blanket is a coffin, if the cops are after you and you have to dump a body quick.

Special Super Bowl Wisdom of the Ages: “Marshawn Lynch” Not really shy. Still extremely embarrassed he believed you can’t be charged for beating up on large groups of people-as long as you are carrying a...

I don’t worry about identity theft, because I don’t even know who I am as a person. So if I’m not even in possession of my own identity, how can it be stolen from me?

Wisdom of the Ages: “Valentine’s Day” Because she never forgets, especially if you do.

Why write about the past? Well, there’s more of it.

Is that clear?” said Borcht “as clear as pea soup” I said

Be a Samurai.Because you just never know what’s behind the freaking sky.

A blanket could be used to fill in the blank.

Get me outa here. F*ckin’ creepy cheerleaders.

A brick could be used to instill patience in a pupil. Not a pupil as in part of an iris, but a pupil as in student. Seems a bit silly to try to teach eyes...

You think that killing people will make them like you more, but it doesn’t,it just makes them dead.

A brick could be used as a floatation device. But only use it if the person drowning is a politician.

I’m sorry to hear that.

A thief is one who insists on sharing his victimhood.

Be able to go shopping for a bathing suit and not become depressed afterward.

A blanket could be used to stimulate the topographical terrain of a mountainous region. Kind of makes you feel like God, if you think about it.

Never trust people who smile constantly. They’re either selling something or not very bright.

A blanket could be used as a tablecloth, and a brick left as a tip.

It’s horribly cute.” He kissed me, looked at the hat, and then he kissed me again. I vowed never to lose the pom-pom hat.

I saw a nipple and I got an erection. It was a man’s nipple, and I was standing alone in front of a mirror.

I’ll drive like my grandma. I’ll drive like your grandma.””You wouldn’t say that if you knew my gramma.

I think it’s one of the main negative emotional ingredients that fuels show business, because there’s so much at stake and the fear of failure looms large.

Yo Mama’s so fat her butt cheeks have different area codes.

When I see a poor person I think of me, and then I think, maybe I should pay my clones for all the work they do for me. Then I think, nah, they’re only slaves....

I hope the next time you get a double-decker strawberry ice-cream cone the ice cream part falls off the cone and lands in Australia.

Gimme an S! A T! An O! A C! Followed by a K-H-O-L-M! What’s it spell? HEAD FUCK.- Jane

If a wizard should take up residence in your garden and requests food, you are obliged to feed him.

It’s a black and white issue: gray is grey, and there’s no two ways about it.

I don’t know nothing about no marriages or nothing. I ain’t even never been to a wedding.

The only drink I like ice in is water, because you can’t water down water. I’m like that with love, too. Don’t you dare add any ice to the hot liquid loving I’m trying to...

Don’t plead with anyone if you were not at fault, you’ll only look inferior, stupid and funny, bolster your ego by doing the undoing.

New streets should be Twitter friendly and be named with hashtags up front. I’d build a house on ‪#‎LoversLane‬.

A blanket is great for covering things, like the dead guy, I just killed with this brick.

I know a woman loves me when she leaves me leftovers in the fridge from the date she went on the night before.