They don’t think it be like it is, but it do.

yalt” in loyalty. Well, I don’t know if I’d go that far with it, but yeah, I guess I am a pretty yalty person.

If anyone comes near you, just scream and run.

If girlfriends were knees, I’d love to have both of mine replaced. That way, it’d be easier to run around on them.

How often are we reminded that what matters in life can’t be quantified (I’m referring to the annual per capita frequency, to two decimals).

If writers write, then rangers range. And I’d like to wake up every morning and be a mother, so I could eat my own clothes.

If you’ve recruited one intelligence asset, they’ve recruited you all.

If you don’t know how to love, then any old robot or mechanical device would best suit your relationship style. In this situation, vacuum cleaners might make the best lovers.

Sooner or later, most of us die from complications of being ourselves.

I once made love to a taco shell stuffed with rancid meat and watery tomato bits. It was the best sex I’ve ever served to an unsuspecting customer.

Secret 1.93. The professional intelligence officer assumes nothing. The successful professional intelligence officer assumes less than that.

I haven’t spent my time trying to duplicate my success. But only because I haven’t had any yet.

How a dirty little secret gets found out is usually a dirtier little secret.

On savings: A dollar here, a dollar there. Over time, it adds up to two dollars.

Secret 16913011. Better a CIA front than a CIA backside.

All of them are the same type; girls with overprocessed hair and too much makeup and way too much access to Daddy’s credit cards. Girls who, if you took away the designer labels, hair dye...

All I can do is look at him. Up close, I get a better view; there’s no denying the fact he is really, really good-looking, in this rakish, edgy, badass, I-just-rolled-out-of-bed-and-screw-you-I-don’t-need-a-mirror kind of way.

For two years I was seeing a sex therapist. I’m now seeing a sex therapist.

I don’t understand people who don’t like meatloaf. Your mom doesn’t make it like Michael Aday does.

My operational cover won’t withstand scrutiny. It starts blushing and giggling every time.

Misery, thy name is Mudslide

Remember Stalingrad. Remember the crash of 1929. Remember the Industrial Revolution. Now remember that I am the proletariat cog in the machine that causes the meltdown of the aristocratic assembly line. Ben Franklin was a...

Secret 400. Those who complain that it’s lonely at the top never invite you up there to keep them company.

The first two letters of her name were M and E and I thought, Yes! Finally, a name I can relate to.

The Shrink always warned me that carriers stay wracked with lifelong guilt. It’s not an uplifting thing having turned lovers into monsters. We feel bad that we haven’t turned into monsters ourselves–survivor’s guilt, that’s called....

Flattery will get me nowhere? That’s a hell of a lot better than the place I am now.

On March 5th, I’m having my birthday celebration. The party starts at midnight, and ends at 12:01 AM. Don’t be late!

All he’d done was lose her underwear and practically get her blown up.Hell. This had to be the absolute worst first date of her life.

If a piano fell from the sky, my first reaction would be, Oh my God! I hope it didn’t crush my bag of chips I left lying on the ground.

It’s especially hard to admit that you made a mistake to your parents, because, of course, you know so much more than they do.

You can’t put a price tag on human life. But if you could, I’d demand coupons for clones.

Somehow, Sydney had an internal clock that told her when time was up. I think it was part of her inherent ability to keep track of a hundred things at once. Not me. In these...

Being sociable is a skill you can learn. It’s like throwing a spiral, riding a bicycle, or murdering your clone’s lover, who also happens to be your girlfriend.

I’ve seen daggers pierce the chest,Children dying in the road,Crawling things hooked and baited,Rapists bound and then castrated,Villains singed in public square.Yet none these sights did make me cringeLike when my Love cut all her...

You can’t have fish tacos if you still have the hook in your mouth!” And while I have no idea what he meant, or how it’s relevant, I tell that story to any indigenous Mexican...

If my name was Richard, I’d go by Richard or Rich…not Dick. Hell I’d even settle for being called Chard.

A brick is what I’m voting for for President. And guess what? If you’re voting for a Republican or Democrat, so are you.

Your level of neuroses will only find love in a made-for-TV movie.

Where is the pizza I ordered 33 minutes ago? I specifically called for pizza to be delivered. The pizza’s missing, and so is the delivery guy. I hope nobody finds his body in the woods,...

It’s not called being gay, it’s called being fabulous!

Love your wife, your servant and your enemy equally, and file her credit card bills under the ‘enemy’ folder.

A brick could be used as a logo for a company called Blanket. A right turn signal in the left turn only lane could be used to represent a company called Brick.

Parthenogenesis means never having your mother tell you to stop doing that or you’ll go blind.

Divorce runs high these days, but I’m an exception to the norm. I got divorced when marriage was still popular.

Broccoli, it’s what’s for breakfast. This morning let us make love like we’re both still asleep. I’ll hit the snooze if you find the lube.

I have a bad grammar, but I do have a good message in it.

If you want more development in your relationship, move to an urban area.

A blanket could be used to show people the benefits of sleeping with a parachute—especially if you’ve got a flying bed like I do.

Part of my soul goes into each quote I write. A book of my quotes can be yours for just $19.99.

She tried to smile sympathetically, but with her face it wasn’t quite possible.