I’ve never wished a man dead, but I have read some obituaries with great pleasure.
Often it does seem such a pity that Noah and his party did not miss the boat.
Never tell the truth to people who are not worthy of it.
Advertisements contain the only truths to be relied on in a newspaper.
What would men be without women? Scarce, sir…mighty scarce.
Politicians and diapers must be changed often, and for the same reason.
I know grammar by ear only, not by note, not by the rules.
Good judgement is the result of experience and experience the result of bad judgement.
When we remember we are all mad, the mysteries disappear and life stands explained.
Sanity and happiness are an impossible combination.
A person who won’t read has no advantage over one who can’t read.
Children have but little charity for each other’s defects.
You can’t depend on your eyes when your imagination is out of focus.
One ought always to lie, when one can do good by it;
You cannot surprise an individual more than twice with the same marvel
Never put off till tomorrow what can be done the day after tomorrow just as well
A gentleman is someone who knows how to play the banjo and doesn’t.