He’s wearing flannel!” Alan yelped. “He’s shoving his straight in my face!

That’s why they call it the American Dream, because you have to be asleep to believe it.

I know this is war, but the rest of us are trying to pretend it’s a party.

A brick could be used measure the volume of love in any given bathtub. But for the test to be accurate, I’m going to need you to disrobe and step down here. Don’t worry, I’m...

A boo is a lot louder than a cheer.

A blanket could be used to cover Mt. Rushmore. But if you rush more, you’re going to rip the blanket in the same way that the very fabric of our democracy is torn.

It’s early on a beautiful winter morning. The house is quiet. The sun is shining. I’m thankful. I’m happy. My cup runneth over. Now there’s coffee everywhere.

A brick could be used to describe somebody hard and inflexible, and a blanket could be used to describe somebody warm and easygoing.

God (mentally on my knees), if I can just get through this night, I’ll come to church. On Christmas. Every fifteen years. For the next fifteen years. So once.

I don’t believe in God, don’t believe in the devil. Unless you want to count my mother. She might be Satan’s sister, I suppose.

I do not want chemistry to degenerate into a religion; I do not want the chemist to believe in the existence of atoms as the Christian believes in the existence of Christ in the communion...

You know it’s funny that none of the regular late-night shows now use guest hosts the way Johnny did. No one talks about it much, but it’s curious that they don’t do it. They would...

Sire,” Oliver said as he helped Petunia to her feet, “I’d like to marry Petunia. “Of course you would,” retorted the King Gregor. “But not right now! we just got those two taken care of.”...

Let’s see if your right foot is as fearless as your mouth.

I call the right axe Sorrow,” she said. “You know what I call the left one?” “Happiness?” “Sorrow. I can’t tell them apart.

Doing nothing is hard. You never know when you’re done. —T-SHIRT

Vampires have credit cards?””We’re undead, not Amish.

so you suspect his death was a suicide.

Any first-year analyst can tell you what’s happening. But it takes a seasoned intelligence professional to show that nothing’s happening at all.

There’s no such thing as soy milk. It’s soy juice.

Love is like jumping out of an airplane with no parachute. But there’s no need to be frightened, because that plane is still on the ground.

Poo,” Manchee’s says quietly.

I feel pretty sure I know why the dinosaurs went extinct. They were waiting for Sam to pick out a cell phone case.

The waves were choppy, like Chuck Norris’ karate hands. The ocean would have been still, if I weren’t making love in it.

I don’t think my mum ever understood my love of Doctor Who. Surely her strongest memory would have been me, standing at the top of the stairs, crying about how the “jelly men” were going...

Clare’s been called a lot of things- smart and funny, driven and talented- but memorable certainly isn’t one of them. The most important things about her- the ones she’s most proud of- are apparent only...

I’ve got a way with love. Away with love.

Cole, for Christ’s sake, will you stop staring at me like I’m beefcake of the month?

I want to make a memorial for our turkey. Never has a bird been so tortured to provide such a lousy dinner.

Stairs,” Valkyrie said, disappointed.”Not just ordinary stairs,” Skulduggery told her as he led the way down. “Magic stairs.””Really?””Oh, yes.”She followed him into the darkness. “How are they magic?””They just are.””In what way?””In a magicky way.”She...

“Whatever happened to the dragon?” I mustered my primmest tone. “He has a name, you know.”Adrian pulled back and gave me a curious look. “I didn’t know, actually. What’d you decide on?” “Hopper.” When Adrian...

110, 111 whatever it takes!”Michael Keaton character in Mr. Mom

He put on his hat and wrapped his scarf around his jaw, but did without the wig and the sunglasses. He clicked his key chain and the car beeped and the doors locked.”That’s it?”He looked...

This isn’t a Christmas special! This is my life. In the real world, miracles and goodness just don’t happen.

favorite” and thus had me at the first entirely inappropriate tweet flung my way.

I want to get the words “Courage” and “Bravery” tattooed across my back, so people could associate me with those things as they read them while they chase me.

Some people were just getting on with their lives, chatting, being young. It simply wouldn’t do.

Horace, who had been trying to find out the meaning of Kurokuma for some time now, was pleased to hear the translation. “Black bear,” he repeated. “It’s undoubtedly because I’m so terrible in battle.” “I’d...

Personally, I thin knees should be kept for the eight or ninth date, or the wedding day. As a nice surprise, you know? ‘Oh, my darling, you have knees! I never would have thought!

And while my mind is telling me I’m flirting with her just to prove a point, my body wants to play “you show me your perky privates and I’ll show you mine.

He seemed to be staring at the chain hanging from the ceiling fan. Seconds later, he confirmed this by reaching out and tugging the chain. Light clicked on.He tugged the chain again.Light went off.Oh for...

We’re authors, too,” Donegan said, “and we’ve been trying to get into the picture-book market. We have this idea for a Where’s Wally type thing, except in ours, you’d have to find the one living...

The Professor doesn’t have a problem being called Dick? If my name was Richard, I’d go by Richard or Rich . . . not Dick. Hell, I’d even settle for being called Chard.

One starts to get young at the age of sixty and then it is too late.

Lecture’s over.

What’s your name, son?’ Sam said. The man looked to be about Sam’s age, but Sam always thought calling people ‘son’ immediately gave the air of imperial authority and opened the door for spanking if...

Uh… ,” Ivy stammered, and I glanced up to see her eyes wide in consideration.”I’m kidding,” I said. “It passed the lethal-amulet test, remember?””Not that. You keep it in your underwear drawer?”I hesitated, wondering why...

My father sacrificed his life for our family when I was growing up. He was one of the bravest, wisest, and most unselfish goats I have ever known, and I will miss his cheese dearly.

Paradigm shift: does that come before swing shift or after?

It’s not that I can’t express myself,it’s that I still feel present when I’m not expressing myself.