I didn’t say that! I find you completely resistible.

From a Twitter post on why food is better than people: ‘Bagels don’t talk about you behind your back.’ … Since WHEN???

I wish I could play up my sexual awkwardness as autism, and insinuate myself into the realm of genius. But I’m not a genius. I’m merely a humble sex god and virtual love machine.

…Alright, Mandy Valems,” Alecto agreed.

Wait, is this a nice-ish way of telling me we had sex and I was lousy? That’s how you can tell I’m inexperienced? Because, if so, that’s just rude. And what were you doing at...

For our fourth date, I said I wanted Italian, and she said she wanted Chinese. We decided to compromise and meet at the movie theater after we’d both eaten.

Altman was told they wouldn’t do the film with me. He could easily have abandoned me, but he stood by me and really bailed me out.

In real life, espionage and sex have so little to do with one another that for all practical purposes they could be married.

Through such advanced techniques like sleeping, I started exploring the depths of me. And until you find out who you are, or stop yawning, I suggest you do the same.

And then came the three-toed sloth. Stupid sloth. It was a crazy-looking beastie, all arms and bristling grey fur; its body was a blob, the kind of shape a six-year-old would draw for a pig,...

I’ll be 30 in April. My birthday is March 5th.

I have this beautiful antique silver wine decanter that I bought at an auction. I always pour wine from that.

A brick could be used as a child’s game to improve memory. I forgot how exactly, but then I never played much.

We are racing down Main Street. Arthur is right on the tail of a blck sedan with tinted windows that won’t pull over. He slams the horn.”Arthur,” I say.The car doesn’t yield.”Arthur,” I say.He hits...

A blanket could be used to suppress yawns. Just curl up in the technological wonder that is a blanket, lay your head back, and let the miracle of science cure your yawns.

Oh, I love you, June, I really do. It’s just that you sounded so…twat-ish just then.

My life is a code within a code, and I’ll crack both like two eggs and eat my existence like an omelet.

No punching?” he asked.”No.””No kicking?””No.””How about arm wrestling?””No. And before you ask, we’ve avoided Slug Bug, Slap Bets, and any and all Dance-Offs.”Fate Succumbs

Love should last a lifetime. But not the lifetime of a giant tortoise. More like the lifespan of a gastrotrich.

Loki’d!

My dear fellow ” Said Albert, turning to Franz ” here is an admirable adventure; we will fill our carriage with pistols, blunderbusses, and double-barreled shotguns. Luigi Vampa comes to take us, and we take...

Too bad Agatha was colorblind, because she had no idea how beautiful her eyes were. Agatha’s eyes were grey, blue, green, and brown, though never all at once and never more than two eyes at...

I am a teacher. Pay close attention – this will be on the test. You don’t wreck buildings. You don’t take children hostage. And you don’t threaten people with violence. Okay class dismissed. Looks like...

I only go birdwatching during mating season. I’m a pornithologist.

Dear Josh, we stopped by to fuck you but you didn’t answer the door. Therefore you are gay. Sincerely, Tiffany and Amber.

She’s Prim’s size in diameter.

Sometimes I wonder what happened to great speeches, but then I turn on the TV and I’m in wonder at how good my candidate looks.

Love is like a tall tree standing next to a midget. Well, it was like that, before it just walked away, leaving the midget just standing there, looking taller than normal.

Good so be would you if, duff plum of helping second A,” said the Bursar. The table fell silent. “Did anyone understand that?” said Ridcully. The Bursar was not technically insane. He had passed through...

Making love to a person in their sleep is the only guarantee they’ll wake up with a smile on their face.

A brick could be used to keep you three inches away from death.

I’m as famous as I want to be.

Whenever I fill out an application, in the part that says “If an emergency, notify:” I put “DOCTOR”. What’s my mother going to do?

I went to a homosexual high school. I graduated top in my class. I couldn’t imagine being on the bottom.

A mouse never entrusts his life to only one hole

You said she’s a senior? Babe we’re ALL crazy.

We put a lot of work into three minutes.

Eddie Izzard is absolutely brilliant. I would love to write something for him.

I had died and woken up in High School Musical

A word to the wise ain’t necessary, it’s the stupid ones who need advice.

Nothing says work efficiency like panic mode.

Philosophers, Poets and Fools have similar Consciousness

A water fountain is a drinkable sculpture. I just drank one shaped like my father, and I can’t wait to shoot him out of my penis, so I can abandon him like he did to...

You will miss a normal life while living a successful life, but not as much as the craving for a successful life while you were living a normal life.

Waiters are the help, dear. It’s like falling in love with a blender!

What part of Canada are you from, honey?””THE LEFT PART,” said Jay.

Mr. A calls me into his office and says he’s got bad news and bad news, and which do I want first. I say the bad news.

Your denial is beneath you, and thanks to the use of hallucinogenic drugs, I see through you.

anything that i dont know from everthing i know is just nothing but something not unusual . the most simple reality on the whole wide Universe .

I can’t believe he didn’t have the dignity and presence of mind just to get drunk and pass out in some gutter,” said Jace. “I must say, I’m disappointed in the little fellow.