I bought a packet of Trojan® Ultra Pleasure Extra Sensitive condoms: ‘No. 1 in AMERICA’. They smell nothing like a positive first sexual experience.

Jordana is in the umpire’s highchair.I walk under the rugby posts and on to the tennis courts, stopping a few metres in front of her, in the service box.Her legs are crossed.I wait for her...

She whispers in my ear: ‘”Tell me that you wan’ fuck me hard, make me sweat.” In the excitement, she misses out a word. “I want to fuck you so hard that your body drips...

The ocean is six miles deep.

I want the evening upon which we lose our collective virginities to be special. I’m no parthenologist but I suspect that Jordana’s virginity is still intact. Her biological knowledge is minimal. She thinks that a...

…I want to grab her collarbones as if they were handlebars.

We asked our Welsh teacher, Mr Llewellyn – who is young, to tell us the Welsh sex words. The Welsh word for sex is ‘rhyw’. It sounds like coughing. He said that, in general, Welsh-speakers...

Problems are like top trumps. I have a pretty good card: Adulterous Mum. But Jordana’s is still better: Tumour Mother.

Depression comes in bouts. Like boxing. Dad is in the blue corner.

I am drawn to the ocean; I find solace in its mystery.

My mother tells me I do not chew my food enough; she says I am making it harder for my body to get the essential nutrients it needs. If she were here, I would remind...

Oliver! Please, shit up!

Anger does not come easy to me. It is something I have to encourage, like a greyhound in second place.

The next thing Jordana says makes me realize that it’s too late to save her. “I’ve noticed that when you light a match, the flame is the same shape as a falling tear.” She’s been...

Oh diary, I love her, I love her, I love her so much. Jordana is the most amazing person I have ever met. I could eat her. I could drink her blood. She’s the only...

I would never say snog. I would say osculate.” She looks at me as if to say: why do you exist?

He had a bad feeling that there was literally no one he could think of who wasn’t in some very significant way a let-down.