Remind me,” he paused, drawing in a stuttered gasp, “to never piss you off again. Christ, are you secretly a ninja?

Get me a slinky.

You’re in a rather odd mood today.”I’m soaking wet, Eloise.”No need to snap at me about it, I didn’t force you to walk across town in the rain.”It wasn’t raining when I left,”. There was...

It’s not: I jumped in, and it was cold. No. It was cold, and I jumped in. Always arrange a sentence so you appear to be fearless, when in fact you are far less than...

I didn’t realize there was a ranking.” I said. “Sadie frowned. “What do you mean?” “A ranking,” I said. “You know, what’s crazier than what.” “Oh, sure there is,” Sadie said. She sat back in...

We watch television and we play music, but mostly we’ve found ways to amuse ourselves.” “Really?” Valkyrie asked. “Like what?”Plight’s smile faded. “Like human sacrifice.”He grabbed one arm and Lenka grabbed the other and Valkyrie...

My name is Matt Besser, and I’m an Arkansas Razorback. My father is a Jew from Little Rock, Ark., my mother was a Christian from Harrison, Ark., and somehow I’m an atheist now living in...

It’s true—there are only, like, two songs about rainbows, including that one. He should be asking why there are so few songs about rainbows.

Girls, on the other hand, have always come easy. I don’t know why that is, exactly. Maybe it’s the outsider vibe and a well-placed brooding look. Maybe it’s something I think I see sometimes in...

Before I die, I want to change my name to “Here,” so that my tombstone could simply read, “Here lies.” And then people who knew me could walk by, shake their head, and say, “Ain’t...

come over and try these on.

I think I exist, therefore I exist. I think.

Some women hold up dresses that are so ugly and they always say the same thing: ‘This looks much better on.’ On what? On fire?

I like my coffee like I like my women. In a plastic cup.

Buffoons may have serious faces behind their mask!

Around here there’s not much to do, I’m afraid. Actually, I’m lying. That’s not one of my fears.

Don’t gobblefunk around with words.

Every politician has a promising career. Unfortunately, most of them do not keep those promises.

You two were in a cave together?’ said Miss Simpkins in horror.‘Yes,’ said Kate, ‘and it was very, very dark.

My love is expansive. Your love is expensive.

When they say “no preparation necessary,” do they mean to prepare isn’t necessary, or that it’s necessary to not prepare?

I ate a pound cake today, but I gained two.

A key sociological factor underlying the prevalence of zombies as a theme in modern culture is that zombie movies are cheap as hell to make.

You’re right. Realistically, I’m a Ravenclaw.

Saw a headline: ‘World’s Ugliest Dog Dead.’ Not believing it for one minute.

I’m older than myself. At least I will be, once my clone gets here.

My father always told me I was too clever times half.

I can’t believe you don’t remememember my name.

I’m thirty-six years old and I’ve been married once and he left and I don’t want to feel this way anymore. Like I can’t be vulnerable. Can’t relax. It’s exhausting, always being on the defensive,...

I’m famous for my Shepherd’s Pie. Here’s my recipe: lamb, potatoes, cheese, peas, paprika, and a wool-covered apron for the chef/shepherd/wolf-like politician to wear while serving the sheeple up.

Even if I did create them myself, I still think I’m doing pretty well under the circumstances.

I have a whisper like a zipper. Your secret is safe in my pants.

My wife says she would never fake an orgasm – but if I want her to, she’s willing to fake faking one.

That’s where I went to buy my last watch.

Never tell a warm-up joke before giving an intelligence briefing – just start the briefing so you can get straight to the really big laughs.

How do you know you are who you are? How do you know you’re not simply a clone of who you think you are?

Leaving knots untied and scattering seeds to distract them will only work on vampires with OCD.

Love is as old as time, though it is considerably more difficult to stuff inside a watch.

I would have taken Zeb, purely for entertainment value, but he had an actual date, with a real girl. That hadn’t happened in a while, so I was a good friend and put my own...

I want to move to a ghost town and try to sell the population bodies to dwell in.

As an animal lover, I don’t like zoos. I feel the only creatures that should be caged behind bars are politicians, lobbyists, and lawyers. And rapists, but I’ve already listed that three times.

If god meant for people to talk into cellphones, he would’ve put our mouths on the side of our heads.

I worry about identity theft. What’s to stop somebody from cloning me to drain the cash from my bank account? And it’d be just as easy for my clone to pretend to be me as...

A blanket could be split in two—divided in half, like hereditary territory one inherits. And once you’ve got half the blanket, you’d better stay on your side of the bed—or else I’m going to tell...

That’s funny,” and when it’s funny, a person can’t say anything because they’re too busy laughing.

If you don’t know what love feels like, you’re in luck, because I just finished making a new pair of Love Gloves. They’re lined with fur and are perfect for a cold February 14th winter...

When you loathe yourself, a true friend will respect your honesty. And if you’ve been fortunate in life, he will probably share your opinion.

A brick on a stick could be licked like a lollipop.

I didn’t sacrifice everything for love, just my mother when love required a caesarian.

I long for your love like the length of a midget.