You know what? We need a recession in this country, because that would finaly weed out al the subnormal, underdeveloped, stupefied, puerile people in this workforce.

An assumption is the joke; truth the punchline.

Chuck Norris will never have a heart attack. His heart isn’t nearly foolish enough to attack him.

It’s always funny that you can try and try again to steal all your critics’ ammo, predict their responses, but no matter what, they’ll still have a water gun stashed somewhere.

I try to hook you up every day. What’s the point of calendars without dates?

Maruman does not loll.

You can capture me with your beauty, only if you are a brilliant photographer.

Nine times out of ten I left one out. But the one I leave out is never love. I always put love in—even when I put it in your butt.

Just relax and breathe through your ass.

We already have the Wooden Pillar, the Steel Pillar and the Plastic Pillar. In a moment we will have the Golden Bail….’No, you won’t.’We will,’ stated the robot simply.No, you won’t. It makes my ship...

With Ice Cube they ain’t no telling. He might have one cocked and loaded, ready to bust. We might do The Sunday, two old men sitting around the house waiting on the social security check.

Don’t try to hog loneliness and keep it all to yourself. Share it with a special someone.

You could carve out the inside of a brick and hide your money in it for safe keeping. It’s certainly safer than keeping it in the bank!

In a blind taste-test, my kisses were rated as Helen Kelleresque. Women love how the only sense I keenly possess is nonsense.

He’s all right. His hair is cute.”Jonas froze, his lobster fork halfway to his mouth. ” Oh my God, you’re in love.””I’m not in love.””‘his hair is cute’? You never say anything nice about anyone....

I’m not waiting until my hair turns white to become patient and wise. Nope, I’m dyeing my hair tonight.

In one universe, they are gorgeous, straight-teethed, long-legged, wrapped in designer fashions, and given sports cars on their sixteenth birthdays. Teacher smile at them and grade them on the curve. They know the first names...

I want my time to be taken up by chores, errands, appointments, and arguments. In other words, I want to get married.

Depends on when you’re referring to.

Donegan Bane and Gracious O’Callahan – the Monster Hunters. Adventurers, inventors, authors of Monster Hunting for Beginners and it’s sequels, Monster Hunting for Beginners is Probably Inadvisable and Seriously, Dude, Stop Monster Hunting.

And I like a good horror story as much as the next person so long as they kill off some men too and not just girls. But the voices Joan heard were real. There’s clear...

I saw this beautiful girl the other day. She had an ass behind her that seemed to go on for days. In fact, I’m still going on about her.

Nothing makes you think you might need years of therapy like saying the word breasts in front of your mother.

I want to be a naughty pirate, because when I put on that eye patch, it barely covers my genitals.

She’d met Colin on a Monday.She’d kissed him on a Friday.Twelve years later.She sighed. It seemed fairly pathetic.

People tell me I look like my father. I’ve never seen my dad, so does that mean I look invisible?

Don’t go there Rule” Lawe warned him softly. ” I don’t think your horoscope declared today to be a good day to die.

Everyone gets tortured these days. Skulduggery by Serpine, who then turned around and did that red right hand thing at you. Then Skulduggery was tortured again by the Faceless Ones. I figured it was my...

I have great hopes that we shall greatly appreciate each other all our lives as much as if we had never married at all.

If you tell me I look like someone you know, I might get panicked and think you’re on to me. I thought nobody saw me abduct that guy and steal his identity.

Why couldn’t you turn into a fireball when we were on the same team!

If I saw you hitchhiking, I’d smile and return your thumb’s up, just for you doing such a great job of being a positive roadside influence.

He’d spent so much time in the penalty box for fighting last season, he’d been tempted to hang a picture and maybe set up a lava lamp, it had felt so much like home

You know the world is going crazy when the best rapper is a white guy, the best golfer is a black guy, the tallest guy in the NBA is Chinese, the Swiss hold the America’s...

I love to shop after a bad relationship. I don’t know. I buy a new outfit and it makes me feel better. It just does. Sometimes I see a really great outfit, I’ll break up...

Never put a sock in a toaster.

Whenever I date a guy, I think, ‘Is this the man I want my children to spend their weekends with?’

I’ll be there in a minute.

You think he left a big flashing arrow pointing to a filing cabinet labeled ‘Evidence Here!’? He’s a Stray, Ethan, not Wile E. Coyote!

I will never buy a fish tank, because I don’t believe in supporting the funding of aquatic war machines.

Nope. Just a red-blooded man, darlin’.

My very first job was at McDonalds. In that job I learned an important principle: When something goes wrong at work, blame the guy who gets killed.

Return something not for the possibility of a reward, but for the joy of giving a gift which you did not have to pay for.

Infamy! Infamy! They’ve all got it in for me!

Jewelry takes people’s minds off your wrinkles

I want to replace my knees with miniature Rube Goldberg machines. That way you’ll know how difficult it is for me to simply walk out of your life.

Every great summer song was recorded the previous winter.

If you die in an elevator, be sure to push the up button.

To me, beer tastes like piss. Maybe that’s why I only enjoy it in the shower with my uncle.

If not for his call to priesthoodThe Bishop Fulton SheenMight have been a five-star generalOr even a famed drag queen