How the hell does he expect both of us to fit into that tiny metal trap? Even if we could squeeze in, the tires will probably pop. In fact, let’s just carry it over. It’ll...

What was worse, he couldn’t tell her how much he thought he maybe might kinda sorta love her.

Let me be clear: I don’t want to make love to a mannequin—I want to make love like a mannequin. Oh, if only I were that animated in bed.

Exercise? I get it on the golf course. When I see my friends collapse, I run for the paramedics.

Maybe we should drop in and introduce ourselves, ice-boy. Do the whole, hey, we were just in the neighborhood, and we were just wondering if you had any plans to take over the Nevernever. Have...

There really isn’t much use in getting into a pissing contest since I have to sit down to pee anyway.

A blanket could be used to cover my couch. Nobody should see that I constructed my sofa on the bones of my ancestors.

Show, don’t tell.” Thanks for nothing, Mr. Cryptic.

There is no real bravery in getting paid to save someone’s life. However, there is a large amount of bravery in a nurse break dancing at the hospital’s Christmas party.

Maybe a friend is someone who wants your updates. Even if they’re boring. Or sad. Or annoyingly cutesy. A friend says “Sign me up for your boring crap, yes indeed”–because he likes you anyways. He’ll...

Mr. and Mrs. Dursley, of number four, Privet Drive, were proud to say that they were perfectly normal, thank you very much. They were the last people you’d expect to be involved in anything strange...

I love when I can reboot people when they are being mean to others…

I shook my head. She kissed my cheek, then on her way out patted Zachary’s shoulder in a way that said, If you upset Aura in her weakened state, I will end you.

A blanket could be used to spot the blind. I’d spot Helen Keller nine points in a ten-point basketball game.

The only person I compete with is Satan. If that happens to be you, then could you please move out of the way? You’re standing in Christ’s spot.

Harken Brethren, head this impetuous realm! Tarry me far from hearth and home I fear we shall fair *snort* not well!” And so being collectively agreed, but individually impaled, the diminutive swine sought each to...

There’s nothing more contagious than the laughter of young children; it doesn’t even have to matter what they’re laughing about.

Colon thought Carrot was simple. Carrot often struck people as simple. And he was.Where people went wrong was thinking that simple meant the same thing as stupid.

There’s a saying, isn’t there, that when you’ve had a near death experience, all you want to do is have sex?

A blanket of self-regulated trust on a bed of deceit.

You don’t know their situation,” my mom would say. I considered it such an impolite question that for years I didn’t even ask myself. Thirty-five turned into forty faster than McDonald’s food turns into cold...

I guess the breakfast burritos are going to have some extra protein in the morning.

A blanket could be used to alter the future. But so can setting your watch ahead five minutes. Trust me, I’ve been to the future, and I was late.

Mom, camping is not a date; it’s an endurance test. If you can survive camping with someone, you should marry them on the way home.

Of course I’m jealous. I thought I was going to get to punch him. That isn’t the point.

A brick could be used to help the needy. Giving a brick as a gift is a symbol showing you want to help build their future.

I sometimes give myself excellent advice. Occasionally, I even listen to it.

Instead of finding himself in nerd heaven—where every nerd gets fifty-eight virgins to role-play with—he woke up in Robert Wood Johnson with two broken legs and a separated shoulder, feeling like, well, he’d jumped off...

A blanket could be used as a spy, because if you need to blend in and go under cover, what’s better than a banket?

Tis but a scratch”A scratch?! Your arm’s off!”No, it isn’t.

Mormon,” he whispers.

I can’t dance, remember?” I whispered.”It’s just a tango. It is like sex, except with clothes on.” Then, squeezing me closer: “Oh, I’m sorry. I forgot, you do not know how to do that either.

A blanket could be used to smother a fire—but not the fire that burns in my heart for you. Or perhaps that’s merely heartburn, and you’re just as common as a brick.

I slowly climbed the porch steps while wondering, what exactly did Elias know about my life in London; what precisely was wrong with his mind…And what was the heaviest item in my bag.

A football could be swapped out for a brick, to make family reunion football games more fun. But I’m calling it right now: I get to be quarterback.

Was it just her, or did lovers look more adoringly at each other in this city? Especially in the springtime.’Die, bastards.’She sighed. It wasn’t their fault that they were bastards who should die.

I put out the Greg Call, which sounds like a whistle-quack, and a few dozen Toms responded. The only time I need a Tom is tomorrow.

Men were good for one thing only. Killing spiders. Other than that, I was on my own. It was sad though. Where was the chivalry of yesteryear?

Bricks could be used to pad the pockets of crooked politicians. Why stuff their greedy pockets with cash, when we could load them up with bricks and find out how good of swimmers they are?

Graham Chapman, co-author of the “Parrot Sketch”, is no more. He has ceased to be. Bereft of life, he rests in peace. He’s kicked the bucket, hopped the twig, bit the dust, snuffed it, breathed...

A blanket could be used to suffocate our secret desires. And what do I secretly desire? I desire suffocation, and that is why I must suffocate my desire.

Want a little cheese with that whine, maestro?

Leaning forward in your chair when someone is trying to squeeze behind you isn’t enough. You also have to move the chair.

Never dance in a puddle when there’s a hole in your shoe (it’s always best to take your shoes off first).

When I look back on the stuff I used to wear, I wonder why somebody didn’t try to stop me. Just a friendly warning, “You may regret this,” would have been fine.

And you’d think that killing people would make them like you, but it doesn’t. It just- it just makes them dead.

A brick could be used to ascertain the truth. And then logically, a non-brick could be used to detect the lie. What kind of things are non-bricks? Well, anything from blankets to lies. So therefore,...

You tell your brother he’s gonna pay for that car in silver.

A blanket could be used to warn your enemy that you are coming—and that you are warm. Where’s the cold war when you need it?

The art of sensuality encompassing the exploration and experiencing of all our senses… Those images are being born from and through living the moments of eating favorite chocolate cake with ice-cream, tranquil meditating, walking the...