A blanket could be used to draw a map on—a treasure map, and not something Google has knowledge of. Want to know what’s under the X? My erection.

If a picture paints a thousand words, then a naked picture paints a thousand words without any vowels….

Pressure is something you feel when you don’t know what the hell you’re doing.

A blanket could be used to study the stars more thoroughly. I don’t know how exactly, because I’m not Stephen Hawking. Somebody get me a wheelchair.

Whatever it is,” I said, “the point is moot because as long as I’m on these pills, I can’t make contact to ask.”Derek … snapped, “Then you need to stop taking the pills.”Love to. If...

I squared my shoulders, trying to ignore the fact that I was standing in the apartment of the sea witch, wearing a fairy-tale prom gown, waiting for the attack of the mermaids.

A brick and a blanket can be used as reasons to go on searching, when you’ve found all the obvious applications for the brick and the blanket—and immediately discarded them—but you lost the motivation to...

Jon: Our only thought is to entertain you!Garfield: Feed me.

It’s hard to believe someone who walks around commanding so much attention with his acute cockiness, hard muscles, and tattoos would ever let someone like me bring him to his knees-and make no mistake, I...

I’d never name my kid Mark, for fear he’d be a target—a mark.

Wisdom of the Ages: “Brian Williams” This guy gets around more than Brian Wilson and the Beach Boys, but this time, I think he’s gone too far. Unfortunately, I can’t put a cover of my...

I enjoy self-publishing & sending publishers rejection letters. They’re like, ‘Who is this guy?’ And I’m like, ‘the end of your industry.

A brick could be used to help you keep your job. Just hold it down, man.

Don’t be hating on my peacock. It’s just not right. – Kye

Bücher haben Ehrgefühl. Wenn man sie verleiht, kommen sie nicht mehr zurück.

I, uh—,” I began oh so coherently, and then I jumped up, almost knocking himover, and raced down the dock. I took off, flying fast, like a rocket.

Still.” Anyway, the fascinating thing was that I read in National Geographic that there are more people alive now than have died in all of human history. In other words, if everyone wanted to play...

Words were his delight; Hers, a gay gracefulnessOf dancing and moving. But when to the place Of deep loving (Starlight at midnight)At last they came, Their full communion And consummation,Their complete sphere,Was stillness for her,Silence...

A brick could be used to make music. But why not use something more humane, like your armpit.

Well, I’ve seen porn!” Evan defends and Dan just looks at him. “Okay, captain Pornie, walk me through it,” Dan challenges. “I’ll be the pizza guy, and Jeff can be the plumber. You can be…...

Percy: I’ll walk down to the cabins and Connor and Travis are stealing stuff from the camp store, and Silena is arguing with Annabeth trying to give her a new makeover, and Clarisse is still...

They arrived home again to a most peculiar sight. The small garden at the front of the Banana House had been transformed. A tidal wave of cushions, beanbags, quilts, hearth rugs, and sleeping bags appeared...

I really detest movies like Indecent Proposal and Pretty Woman because they send a message to women that sleeping with a rich man is the ultimate goal and really that’s such a small part of...

A woman would pitch a joke. Nothing. Then a guy would pitch it and everybody would laugh.

Enough!” ter Borcht said.

I’ve always been led to believe that the ultimate goal for an author is the movie deal. Now I understand that the movie deal is merely a MEANS TO A MUCH HIGHER END: NAIL POLISH.

It wasn’t until I became more confident with myself and I put myself forward instead of the jokes; at first it was put the jokes out there and I’m just behind the jokes.

I suppose it’s not a social norm, and not a manly thing to do — to feel, discuss feelings. So that’s what I’m giving the finger to. Social norms and stuff…what good are social norms,...

I’ve never felt so bereft and panicky. What do I do without my phone? How do I function? My hand keeps automatically reaching for my phone in its usual place in my pocket. Every instinct...

No one here is allowed to die without my permission.

You have been around since scaly things crawled out of the muck, would it have killed you to read a book?

A girl can dream can’t she? My new life plan is to stumble into every office of a CEO until I find a Christian Grey.

A brick could be pet, like a dog, and taught to shit in my neighbor’s yard.

I was performing my ritual of sipping tea, shooting flirtatious glances and planning murder

Oh, but you do. I’ve even heard Jill talk about it. Did you know that’s the main reason she was happy about her room. Actually, she and Joshua thanked your Grandmother for putting you at...

We’re in a psuedoscientific technobabble.

Jesus girls! Wake up! If a guy wants to drain you of your energy, emotions, and life force he won’t sparkle in the sunshine, he’ll just marry you.

The years between fifty and seventy are the hardest. You are always being asked to do things, and yet you are not decrepit enough to turn them down.

Because I am afraid of commitment. This movie certainly has some bearing and is some reflection of my real feeling about relationships, because I do have commitment issues. My friends tell me I have intimacy...

Yo Mama’s so ugly, her dentist treats her by mail order.

When you argue with someone, you always argue at the level of the person with the lowest level of intelligence. You never argue up.

Je me rends parfaitement compte du desagreable effet que produit sur la majorite de l’humanité, tout ce qui se rapporte, même au plus faible dègré, á des calculs ou raisonnements mathematiques.I am well aware of...

Irma, she said. But I had started to walk away. I heard her say some more things but by then I had yanked my skirt up and was running down the road away from her...

Shane looked…pale. Pale and shaken and—how predictable was this?—pissed.

If it weren’t for physics and law enforcement, I’d be unstoppable.

Of course you know, this means war.

“Joss””What?””What?” Dylan asked back.”You just said my name.””No I didn’t””Sorry that was me.”I sat up, banging my head on the roof. “Who is that?””Hey, stay down here where the air is good, okay?” Dylan pulled...

You’re not just doing that to impress her, are you?””Everything I do is to impress her. It’s my mission in life,” he said with a completely serious face, while he squeezed my knee under the...

I’m telling a Richard Pryor story through me.

I think you two clowns are funny – not ha-ha funny– but fucked-in-the-head funny! Now, if you two have quite finished doing your Laurel and Hardy impersonations, we’ve got a killer to catch!