The intercom buzzes while you’re changing your shirt. You push the Talk button: “Who is it?” “Narcotics squad. We’re soliciting donations for children all over the world who have no drugs.

Tell the Queen that there’s been a robin red-breast hanging about Kotir grounds. It flies down low and vanishes near the floor. Cludd thinks it might be something to do with those woodlanders. Now, I’m...

The side that has the least Dorito-flavored vomit on the floor after the party.

V.L.A.D.: Vampire League Against Discrimination.

SHUT UP. Both of you. You’re coming with me.” To me he said, “Put some pants on.””Fuck you. This is my house. I make the rules. You take your clothes off. John, get the Twister...

Don’t say anything. Just act cool,” I whispered.Mavkel started to shiver.”Like this?” it asked.”No, I mean act calm.”Mavkel stopped shivering.

Take your finger out of your nose, Miss Steal.

According to the latest official figures, 43% of all statistics are totally worthless.

Every sex noise can be converted into a note and frozen in a can of soda. Ask me about menstruation music today!

Running after the money and the honey makes the life stunningly funny.

He forced himself forward trying to seem innocent without acting like someone who was guilty who was trying to act innocent.

Only love will attract love.”~ Amunhotep El Bey

Don’t get me wrong. Sacramento is a lovely place, particularly for those with a fondness for methamphetamines. For the meth-addled, Sacramento had conveniently placed a Greyhound bus station just yards from the statehouse where Austria’s...

Who cares if you have a girlfriend, anyway?””I care” Simon said gloomily. “Pretty soon the only people left without a girlfriend will be me and Wendell the school janitor. And he smells like windex.

To be unpopular, you must look the part. Remember four words: plastic flowered swim cap.

Beside me, Philippe and Meg hold hands. He murmurs something that sounds like, “my dear leetle mongoose.” I wish he’d turn back into a frog and hop away.

Your love, it takes me to the moon. Let’s get back to the film studio and start over. Pour a small cup of coffee while I take one large sip for mankind.

Military Wives—Sacrificing Months of Sex for the Country.

My love for her is deep, like the ocean, only not so salty. My love for her probably only has as much salt as a bag of potato chips, though it’s much, much more addicting...

Mom, how come you never go outside?””I told you, I’m a vampire.

I’d rather have a horse in a glass, because I’ll be just down the hall if you need me. My affection is fluid, so why won’t you let me love you?

I don’t dwell on the fact that I may have ridden on planes. That which I can’t remember having needed, I simply accept. It is the most preferable kind of self-insight: one that does not...

I put the hands in handsome. Then I put my penis in those hands. That’s some good-looking lovemaking.

The chickens bounced onto the pink and purple bush and landed on Annika’s head.” It’s funny because nobody has ever said that before. I should get an award or something because I just made history!

I called her Nebraska, because she was from Iowa. We made love like the Midwest. Well, not all of it. More like the Midwest minus Kansas, if you know what I mean.

In my sleep I have my nightmares, awake I have my thoughts, I am not sure which is worse.

Paying alimony is like feeding hay to a dead horse.

Vic knelt by Lucas’s side. ‘You look like crap, by the way.”Thanks for breaking it to me gently.’ Lucas took a deep breath, then groaned.

I tended to hate people that hit me in the head without warning.

Middle age: when you begin to exchange your emotions for symptoms.

I reach up and pat them both on the head. “Poor things. If you had a boy that looked like Logan, you’d be kissing him every chance you had, too.

Some mornings, it’s just not worth chewing through the leather straps.

I had a dream about you. You had no skin or muscle on your face, and to try to conceal your bare skull you liberally applied lipstick and makeup. Your birthday was coming up, and...

The letters of my name are scrambled like eggs. They should be sunny side up, like Dark Jar Tin Zoo.

Finally, Charlie gave up the hunt and placed (the puppy) back on the floor, dispatching fleas was not his idea of a romantic evening, unless you happened to be a twisted exterminator, he thought.

The doctor’s wife ate two apples a day, just to be safe. But her husband kept coming home.

You’re not celibate, then?” I breathe. Amusement lights up his eyes.”No, Anastasia, I’m not celibate.

Is there a gun that shoots rain? Oh yeah, water guns. How technologically advanced we are!

They have provided a system which for terse comprehensiveness surpasses Justinian’s Pandects and the By-laws of the Chinese Society for the Suppression of Meddling with other People’s Business.

She stopped at the desk and held up a can for his view. “This looks like an ordinary hairspray can, right?””Of course.” he said though he had no idea what hairspray was.

Making love to me is amazing. Wait, I meant: making love, to me, is amazing. The absence of two little commas nearly transformed me into a sex god.

A brick could be used to show you how much I love you. Well, maybe not a whole brick, but certainly a half a brick would be an accurate measure for the amount of love...

We must respect the other fellow’s religion, but only in the sense and to the extent that we respect his theory that his wife is beautiful and his children smart.

JOSH!” she screeched, accidentally letting loose a snap of electricity.

Don’t put your wand there, boy! … Better wizards than you have lost buttocks, you know!

I’m a born-again atheist.

Divination is turning out to be much more trouble than I could have foreseen, never having studied the subject myself.

AHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!’ he screamed.’So that’s Sara,’ I said.’Yes.”She seems nice.

A brick could be used to change the channel on a TV. Or at least turn it off—permanently.

The following ten throws went a variety of places. I never hit the target, but I was getting closer. Isabella was laughing so hard she wrote “Please stop can’t breathe” in the dirt with her...