John Adams warned of the division of America into two great political parties. Luckily, the parties we ended up with are mediocre at best.

Why is the poem called ‘The Road Not Taken,’ when it’s about the road that was taken?

Post-traumatic stress disorder – otherwise known as “first day back from vacation.

A key sociological factor underlying the prevalence of zombies as a theme in modern culture is that zombie movies are cheap as hell to make.

Sooner or later, most of us die from complications of being ourselves.

Either every robot can dance the robot, or no robot can.

Anything worth doing is worth neither confirming nor denying having done.

If I didn’t have to kill you, I wouldn’t tell you.

Remember when the question ‘Ginger or Mary Ann’ had nothing to do with who would be the last surviving cast member?

Guns don’t kill people. An AR-15 from the National Rifle Association told me so.

Enjoy the little things, for one day you may look back and realize they were Leibnizian monadic reflections of the One Thing.

Some parts of the Bible I find a little troubling. For example, if Jesus really believed in nonviolence, why did He destroy the Death Star?

I support zero tolerance. But I draw the line at negative integers.

People who are needed by people who need people aren’t the luckiest people in the world.

Aging is about mind over matter – every year my matter drops another quarter inch below my mind.

It isn’t he who laughs last, but he whose laugh lasts.

No doubt zombie films are dumb, but I find it impressive that zombies can hold a camera relatively steady, let alone write a screenplay.

Am I the only person who thinks the theory of solipsism is totally stupid?

Never tell a warm-up joke before giving an intelligence briefing – just start the briefing so you can get straight to the really big laughs.

Twas Thomas Edison did declareThat waste is worse than lossYet never once saw fit to pareHis first name to Tomás

Secret 1.4. The real question isn’t whether you’re cleared for top secret, it’s whether you’re cleared for unclassified.

Energy equals staff times the speed of life scared.

Once you’ve played a real video game about war, you don’t understand how people can play video games about video games about war.

Man has become a tool of his tools? Man, what a tool.

Motivational Secret of the Week: You are not a statistic. You are a datum used in the calculation of a statistic.

My wife says she would never fake an orgasm – but if I want her to, she’s willing to fake faking one.

I’d love to have been a fly on the wall when the President and the Israeli PM discussed NSA spying on Israel. … OK, I admit it, I was.

Our boss announced that we’re implementing a self-managing team concept. From now on, we’ll be the team, and our boss will be the self.

Infiltration is the sincerest form of flattery.

When they say “no preparation necessary,” do they mean to prepare isn’t necessary, or that it’s necessary to not prepare?

Motivational Secret of the Week: There are no menial jobs. But you’re welcome to check back next month.

Wanna analyze my pocket litter?

If by ‘about’ you mean ‘in a circle around,’ then yes, we’re doing something about the problem.

Just because your opinion counts doesn’t mean it should multiply.

On the directory map in CIA Headquarters lobby, it says ‘You Aren’t Here.

If you feel badly enough about dialing a suicide prevention hotline by mistake, it wasn’t a mistake.

Secret 400. Those who complain that it’s lonely at the top never invite you up there to keep them company.

Don’t worry, the situation is undercontrolled

Secret 48617.0. If you’re TDY in Ottawa, the only thing worse than CSIS giving you a bad time is CSIS attempting to show you a good one.

To actually know one’s ass from a hole in the ground is to appreciate that the difference is mostly cosmetic.

The rain in Ukraine falls mainly on the insane.

Be levelheaded, that your head be not leveled.

During my first tour, the COS told me “Your contact reporting needs more glandularity.” I said “You mean granularity?” He said “That too.

The photoshopping of female models is sending precisely the right message to young girls: Learn image editing software!

Today I gave the hospital permission to youthanize my grandma. I can’t wait to see how much younger she looks!

I’m living proof there’s safety in numbers. I once evaded enemy agents during Carnival in Rio by hiding inside a large papier-m ché two.

Regifting is its own rereward.

Being diagnosed with spatial orientation phenomenon can turn a person’s whole world upside up.

Rock, paper, scissors, and pretty much anything else for that matter, beats playing rock–paper–scissors.

The kingdom of intelligence officially isn’t within you.