John Adams warned of the division of America into two great political parties. Luckily, the parties we ended up with are mediocre at best.

The Australian flag is noteworthy in that, cosmologically speaking, it’s becoming less accurate with each passing second. By contrast, the cosmological accuracy of the American flag is clearly increasing over time.

If you’ve recruited one intelligence asset, they’ve recruited you all.

Not knowing is more than half the battle. – National Clandestine Service motto

Angry poor people are ‘enraged.’ Angry rich people are ‘livid.

SpookSpeak. Agent n. The average of a double agent and no agent at all.

SpookSpeak. Douche diligence n. (CIA) Investigation and assessment performed prior to recommending a potential intelligence asset for recruitment.

You can’t plan a trip to Burning Man and truly go there.

Sweet memories of youth. Swimming down at the swimming hole. Going fishing down at the fishing hole. Having sex down at the sex hole.

Let us not look back in anger, nor forward in fear, but around inebriated.

Maybe if they had put a little more effort into it, the labor theory of value would be better appreciated today.

The meaning of life is XXXXXXXXXXX… Redaction mark? What redaction mark?

In cyber espionage, the cloak and the dagger are one and the same.

Love is in the air. Remember to maintain your lead and follow through on your shot.

What meteorologists refer to as a ‘polar vortex’ I call God getting his swagger back.

No thunder was ever angry, nor dark cloud somber. But every drizzle is definitely embarrassed.

No agnostic ever burned anyone at the stake. That wouldn’t be nearly slow and painful enough.

Excluding starches, preservatives, emulsifiers and artificial flavoring, Soylent Green is actually less than 2% people.

The main bridge of the original Starship Enterprise had pictures of galaxies above each workstation. Probably in case the ship got lost.

Secret 2791716. You can only scandalize people on their own terms.

To observe reality is to change it. Especially if reality catches you observing down its blouse at work.

Power exercised under the cloak of national security is odious. But power exercised under the microkini of national security is totally hot.

My conscience is cleared.

Intelligence Community Spring Fashion Dis of the Week: ‘Suicide vest’ is a redundancy.

Scarface’ is a redundancy.

Wait, you said ‘carry-on’ items? Not ‘carrion’ items? In that case, no, I don’t have any.

Intelligence Forecast of the Week. Coming soon: the bloodiest film ever – nothing but close-ups of red blood cells, plasma and platelets.

Too bad for a lot of people that beauty isn’t skin wide

Ultimately, that question can only be answered by you.

How often are we reminded that what matters in life can’t be quantified (I’m referring to the annual per capita frequency, to two decimals).

If you had a tattoo that said ‘Top Secret,’ where on your body would it be?

Secret 318040. You can’t plug a leak without getting your fingers wet.

Secret 2591. If you can’t assure, obscure.

The Amish purposely wear drab clothing to discourage lust. If they want to prevent lust, why don’t Amish people just walk around naked?

To not wear anything, and to wear nothing, are not the same.

The statements I provided under oath were not false, they were substantially mispronounced.

A stone trips you. A daisy reaches up and pulls you down.

The real F-word is ‘future.

It may be easier to beg forgiveness than ask permission, but it’s smarter to get ordered to do it.

The State Department said no American is proud of CIA interrogations. OK, so we’re not as good as the Syrians at it, but we’re not that bad.

To be ‘decimated’ means to lose a tenth of one’s population. I’ve lived in places where that’s just a busy Saturday night.

People who need people who need people need the luckiest people in the world.

The problem with the Peter Principle is that it assumes somebody somewhere is competent in the first place.

No easy answers? I know plenty of answers that’ll do it on the very first date.

The Covert Comic: glans clitoridis of America’s intelligence gap.

Don’t try this at home. Do this at home, or do this at home not, there is no try.

They say if you’re not part of the steamroller, you’re part of the road. I say I’d rather be part of the road than the seat on the steamroller.

Any first-year analyst can tell you what’s happening. But it takes a seasoned intelligence professional to show that nothing’s happening at all.

In the final analysis, it’s even money whether they’ll use the phrase ‘in the final analysis.

Saw a headline: ‘Killers Executed In Three States.’ How is drawing out their executions like that not cruel and unusual punishment???