John Adams warned of the division of America into two great political parties. Luckily, the parties we ended up with are mediocre at best.

To actually know one’s ass from a hole in the ground is to appreciate that the difference is mostly cosmetic.

The rain in Ukraine falls mainly on the insane.

Be levelheaded, that your head be not leveled.

During my first tour, the COS told me “Your contact reporting needs more glandularity.” I said “You mean granularity?” He said “That too.

The photoshopping of female models is sending precisely the right message to young girls: Learn image editing software!

Today I gave the hospital permission to youthanize my grandma. I can’t wait to see how much younger she looks!

I’m living proof there’s safety in numbers. I once evaded enemy agents during Carnival in Rio by hiding inside a large papier-m ché two.

Regifting is its own rereward.

Being diagnosed with spatial orientation phenomenon can turn a person’s whole world upside up.

Rock, paper, scissors, and pretty much anything else for that matter, beats playing rock–paper–scissors.

The kingdom of intelligence officially isn’t within you.

In an opposite universe, the iconoclast creates the icon. – Why We Couldn’t Possibly Be Living in an Opposite Universe, Reason 11.9

The official spokesperson is the most anonymous source of all.

I never read the whole Zen koan – I just skip to the end to find out if the monk attained enlightenment.

Dog spelled backwards is God. NOC spelled backwards is NOC.

From a Twitter post on why food is better than people: ‘Bagels don’t talk about you behind your back.’ … Since WHEN???

Those who are ignorant of science fiction movie tropes are condemned to play imperial stormtroopers.

Whoever said “The hand that holds a book cannot hold a gun” never worked for CIA Tech Ops.

The Australian flag is noteworthy in that, cosmologically speaking, it’s becoming less accurate with each passing second. By contrast, the cosmological accuracy of the American flag is clearly increasing over time.

If you’ve recruited one intelligence asset, they’ve recruited you all.

Not knowing is more than half the battle. – National Clandestine Service motto

Angry poor people are ‘enraged.’ Angry rich people are ‘livid.

SpookSpeak. Agent n. The average of a double agent and no agent at all.

SpookSpeak. Douche diligence n. (CIA) Investigation and assessment performed prior to recommending a potential intelligence asset for recruitment.

You can’t plan a trip to Burning Man and truly go there.

Sweet memories of youth. Swimming down at the swimming hole. Going fishing down at the fishing hole. Having sex down at the sex hole.

Let us not look back in anger, nor forward in fear, but around inebriated.

Maybe if they had put a little more effort into it, the labor theory of value would be better appreciated today.

The meaning of life is XXXXXXXXXXX… Redaction mark? What redaction mark?

In cyber espionage, the cloak and the dagger are one and the same.

Love is in the air. Remember to maintain your lead and follow through on your shot.

What meteorologists refer to as a ‘polar vortex’ I call God getting his swagger back.

No thunder was ever angry, nor dark cloud somber. But every drizzle is definitely embarrassed.

No agnostic ever burned anyone at the stake. That wouldn’t be nearly slow and painful enough.

Excluding starches, preservatives, emulsifiers and artificial flavoring, Soylent Green is actually less than 2% people.

The main bridge of the original Starship Enterprise had pictures of galaxies above each workstation. Probably in case the ship got lost.

Secret 2791716. You can only scandalize people on their own terms.

To observe reality is to change it. Especially if reality catches you observing down its blouse at work.

Power exercised under the cloak of national security is odious. But power exercised under the microkini of national security is totally hot.

My conscience is cleared.

Intelligence Community Spring Fashion Dis of the Week: ‘Suicide vest’ is a redundancy.

Scarface’ is a redundancy.

Wait, you said ‘carry-on’ items? Not ‘carrion’ items? In that case, no, I don’t have any.

Intelligence Forecast of the Week. Coming soon: the bloodiest film ever – nothing but close-ups of red blood cells, plasma and platelets.

Too bad for a lot of people that beauty isn’t skin wide

Ultimately, that question can only be answered by you.

How often are we reminded that what matters in life can’t be quantified (I’m referring to the annual per capita frequency, to two decimals).

If you had a tattoo that said ‘Top Secret,’ where on your body would it be?

Secret 318040. You can’t plug a leak without getting your fingers wet.