John Adams warned of the division of America into two great political parties. Luckily, the parties we ended up with are mediocre at best.

The problem with the Peter Principle is that it assumes somebody somewhere is competent in the first place.

No easy answers? I know plenty of answers that’ll do it on the very first date.

The Covert Comic: glans clitoridis of America’s intelligence gap.

Don’t try this at home. Do this at home, or do this at home not, there is no try.

They say if you’re not part of the steamroller, you’re part of the road. I say I’d rather be part of the road than the seat on the steamroller.

Any first-year analyst can tell you what’s happening. But it takes a seasoned intelligence professional to show that nothing’s happening at all.

The State Department said no American is proud of CIA interrogations. OK, so we’re not as good as the Syrians at it, but we’re not that bad.

To be ‘decimated’ means to lose a tenth of one’s population. I’ve lived in places where that’s just a busy Saturday night.

People who need people who need people need the luckiest people in the world.

Leak not the secret, lest the secret leak you.

Even if I did create them myself, I still think I’m doing pretty well under the circumstances.

Whatever doesn’t kill me makes me stronger. Now if I could just find something that doesn’t kill me.

The question isn’t whether it’s SFW, the question is whether W is SF it.

They call it a mushroom cloud because ‘cauliflower cloud’ would just be too scary.

All my memories seem to happen to music. Memories of my mother and father; waking up early on Christmas morning; the little apartment we lived in above the disco.

In the final analysis, it’s even money whether they’ll use the phrase ‘in the final analysis.

Saw a headline: ‘Killers Executed In Three States.’ How is drawing out their executions like that not cruel and unusual punishment???

Control is under the situation.

Vulcan Dis of the Week: Perhaps, t’hy’la, you should perform a mind meld on yourself, in order to determine what the bogozh you’re thinking.

Director’s cut? Let’s hope it’s a major artery.

While my radar gently beeps.

I can’t hear the phrase ‘Bay of Pigs invasion’ without thinking of bacon.

If I don’t love something, is it still OK to set it free?

Except for briefings after lunch, CIA does not practice torture.

The aim of the conspiracy is to come up with an aim for the conspiracy.

I’m willing to forgive and forget, but damned if I’ll be forgiven and forgotten.

I don’t subscribe to conspiracy theories unless they include the swimsuit issue for free.

Is the line between the essential and the peripheral essential or peripheral?

I can pass any polygraph, as long as it’s cut up into small enough bites.

May your assets be twice as loyal to you as you are to them.

The US Intelligence Community: ark and flood in one package.

CIA. Global, mobile, with a cause that’s noble.

Don’t hate the conspiracy, date the conspiracy!

The more important the briefing, the fewer the people in the room, toward a limit of -∞

Secret 80916003. If it doesn’t hurt when they snatch it, it isn’t worth dangling.

Back in the day, before he was president, you just know James Madison’s homies called him JMad.

Secret 4.1. Whatever makes a nail go in is a hammer.

The trouble with facial recognition software is that you get mistaken for every other person who doesn’t have a face.

Whom the gods would destroy, they first make gods.

Le 99%, c’est moi.

CIA analysis: the too soon joke that predates the event.

Intelligence Forecast of the Week: Quantum physicists will discover that the hokey pokey is actually more than what it’s all about.

The possession of facts is knowledge; the use of facts is wisdom; the creation of facts is covert action.

By stripping it of natural moisturizers, ethnic cleansers leave your ethnicity dry, wrinkled and flaky.

If not for his call to priesthoodThe Bishop Fulton SheenMight have been a five-star generalOr even a famed drag queen

Whenever God kicks in a door, He padlocks it later.

Freedom without discipline is chaos. Discipline without freedom is tyranny. Therefore, freedom with discipline is tyranny and chaos.

Secret 5.56.45. The scar confirms the beauty, the beauty the scar.

There’s a little bit of James Angleton in every CIA officer. Counterintelligence implants a portion of Angleton’s DNA inside us when we EOD.