And I know this happens because I took economics, and I’d explain it to yea’ – but I flunked that course. Not my fault. They taught it at 8 o’clock in the morning. And there...

In my lifetime, we’ve gone from Eisenhower to George W. Bush. We’ve gone from John F. Kennedy to Al Gore. If this is evolution, I believe that in twelve years, we’ll be voting for plants.

They’re so broke that they’ve actually cut essential services. In many places, they’ve cut policemen, because, who the fuck needs them? Or firemen, son of a bitch, it’s much more fun watching something burn down.

I’m just so looking forward to seeing Dick Cheney because it’s like the sighting of a rare white elk when he shows up. And I don’t even think it’s Dick Cheney anymore. We see him...

There’s no such thing as soy milk. It’s soy juice.

Just relax and breathe through your ass.

Republicans have nothing but bad ideas and Democrats have no ideas.

If you want to elect Bush, that’s the prick that I’m gonna yell about. If you want to elect John Kerry, I’m gonna be yelling about him. My problem is with authority.

Jerry Falwell said that the reason that September 11th happened, the reason that God allowed it to happen, was because of certain people in our country. People like, and I’m quoting, ‘the pagans,’ which is...

When from behind me, a young woman of 25 uttered the following, it was the dumbest thing I have ever heard in my life until Dan Quayle was elected Vice President of the United States....

These ballot initiatives remind us that America is the land where people are free to dream whatever they want, so long as that dream doesn’t make Midwesterners feel icky!

That’s the funny thing about religion: it doesn’t matter what you say, you’re going to upset someone.

Fantasy football is out of control,

If you really think there’s a Santa, why don’t you sit on the front steps all night in the freezing cold and see if he climbs down any chimneys tonight. Good luck. And since we’re...

If the people of New Zealand want to be part of our world, I believe they should hop off their islands, and push ’em closer.

It’s absolutely stupid that we live without an ozone layer. We have men, we’ve got rockets, we’ve got saran wrap – FIX IT!!!

I’m going to make my transition to weatherman soon,

Lactose intolerant milk?! KISS, MY, DICK!

I had more material on weather than anyone else, I guess, … back when I was traveling a lot [on the road as a standup comic], between airport security and the weather…I just wanted to...

If you’re working out in front of a mirror and watching your muscles grow, your ego has reached a point where it is now eating itself. That’s why I believe there should be a psychiatrist...

It ‘ s absolutely stupid that we live without an ozone layer. We have men, we ‘ ve got rockets, we ‘ ve got saran wrap FIX IT!!! ‘

I don’t know if watching Chaz Bono will turn your kids into transsexuals, but I’m pretty sure that letting them watch Keith Ablow will turn them into assholes

Its absolutely stupid that we live without an ozone layer. We have men, weve got rockets, weve got saran wrap FIX IT!!!

Who knew that the devil had a factory where he made millions of fossils, which his minions distributed throughout the earth, in order to confuse my tiny brain?

If you listen to a song and get an image in your head, and then you go home and watch mtv and the image they’re showing is the same as the one in your head,...

A republican stands up in congress and says ‘I GOT A REALLY BAD IDEA!!’ and the democrat stands up after him and says ‘AND I CAN MAKE IT SHITTIER!!’

Each of us is full of shit in our own special way. We are all shitty little snowflakes dancing in the universe.