They say that ‘Guns don’t kill people, people kill people.’ Well I think the gun helps. If you just stood there and yelled BANG, I don’t think you’d kill too many people.

Guns don’t kill people, people kill people, and monkeys do too (if they have a gun).

I’m a one-man idiot.

Imperial Soldier: Oh… I… Oh.Imperial Commander: What is it lieutenant Sebastian?Imperial Soldier: Its the rebels, sir… they’re here.Imperial Commander: My god man! Do they want tea?Imperial Soldier: No, I think they want something more then...

MAC gave me 55 lipsticks to test. These are the same lipsticks I got caught stealing by the police when I was 15. How ironic.

And there ‘ s others like taxidermist! You can ‘ t just go, Oh, I was just working at the chip shop, and I just started stuffing animals with sand, ‘ you know? You ‘...

You say ‘erbs, and we say Herbs because there’s a f*****g H in it!

But with dogs, we do have “bad dog.” Bad dog exists. “Bad dog! Bad dog! Stole a biscuit, bad dog!” The dog is saying, “Who are you to judge me? You human beings who’ve had...

Puberty is the sickest joke God plays on us. So you’re just noticing members of the sex: “Girls girls, ooo”. Naturally you want to look your best, and God says “No! You will look the...

But puberty was ‘¦ well, before puberty, at school, I didn’t tell kids I was a transvestite Ë cause I thought they might kill me with sticks, you know?

He was a genius. To think all these years on his comedy is still making us laugh

Twang him into a tree!

Romance & Cigarettes.

It’d be fantabulous

So the American government lied to the Native Americans for many, many years, and then President Clinton lied about a relationship, and everyone was surprised! A little naïve, I feel!

And the National Rifle Association says that, “Guns don’t kill people, people do, ‘ but I think the gun helps, you know? I think it helps. I just think just standing there going, “Bang!” That’s...

Cause, “”Cake or death?”” That’s a pretty easy question. Anyone could answer that.””Cake or death?””””Eh, cake please.””””Very well! Give him cake!””””Oh, thanks very much. It’s very nice.””””You! Cake or death?”” Uh, cake for me, too,...

Tea and cake or death…students with beards ‘tea and cake or death, tea and cake or death…little red cookbook, little red cookbook.’

We have archeology on television, and I quite like it; it ‘ s a sort of detective thing, but it ‘ s really true, you know it ‘ s there ‘¦ But it ‘ s...

Cause Jesus I do think did exist, and he was, I think, a guy who had interesting ideas in the Gandhi-type area, in the Nelson Mandela-type area, you know, relaxed and groovy; and the Romans...

It all bottomed out with the Renaissance Period. Ren-ais-sance. That ‘ s Renaissance, FRENCH for Ë re-birth ‘ . Re-nais-sance. And that ‘ s why most of the Renaissance happened slap bang in the middle...

You piss me off you Salmon… You’re too expensive in restaurants.

Ë Cause Jesus I do think did exist, and he was, I think, a guy who had interesting ideas in the Gandhi-type area, in the Nelson Mandela-type area, you know, relaxed and groovy; and the...

‘°Cause, “Cake or death?” That’s a pretty easy question. Anyone could answer that.”Cake or death?””Eh, cake please.””Very well! Give him cake!””Oh, thanks very much. It’s very nice.””You! Cake or death?” ‘°Uh, cake for me, too,...

Oh, Captain Clever! Rattle it, if it doesn’t go off it can’t be a bomb!

Excuse me, do you have a pencil?

Picasso, he should have been a taxidermist!Ive done your dog. Its got nine eyes down the side, I made his head all square, 15 legs. What do you think of that?Fido looks a bit weird.

Because that’s what narcissism is all about; looking in the mirror everyday and thinking ‘Damn, I’d like to shag myself.’

Two languages in one brain? No one can live at that speed!

You know, Catholicism, we believed in the teachings of Cathol, and everything it stood for…

“Cake or death?” That’s a pretty easy question. Anyone could answer that.”Cake or death?””Eh, cake please.””Very well! Give him cake!””Oh, thanks very much. It’s very nice.””You! Cake or death?”Uh, cake for me, too, please.””Very well!...

You killed a hundred thousand people? You must get up very early in the morning! I can’t even get down the gym!

You’re going to eat that later? You’re going to take it home?

PiAno,piAno’It’s not a bloody piano, its a clarenARt…you weird talking person.

I grew up in the 70s, when the careers advisor used to come to school, and he used to get the kids together and say, ‘Look, I advise you to get a career, what can...

What have you been reading, The Gospel according to St. Bastard?!

I saw something in a program on something in Miami, and they were saying, “We’ve redecorated this building to how it looked over 50 years ago!” And people were going, “No, surely not, no. No...

I am an evil giraffe, and I shall eat more leaves from this tree then prehaps I should, so that other giraffes may die

I’m an Action Transvestite

Eddie Izzard: Dress to Kill.

Socrates was killed ‘¦ by his own people. He was! [Nods head]. Coz he questioned everything ‘¦ Ë When is a house a house? ‘ Ë Just chill-out will you? ‘ Ë If I ‘...

We must have been hunters and gatherers but some of us were just waiters and hopers.

So my choice is ‘Or Death?’.

Cause if you’re a transvestite, you’re actually a male tomboy, that’s where the sexuality is. Yeah, it’s not drag queen, no; gay men have got that covered. This is male tomboy, and people do get...

It ‘ s a secret, religious, weird, ceremonial rite of passage for girls that women know. Hopscotch, it was bizarre for boys, Ë cause they never played it, and as a boy, I was behind...

Performance enhancing drugs are banned in the Olympics. Ok, we canswing with that. But performance debilitating drugs should not bebanned. Smoke a joint and win the hundred meters, fair play for you.That’s pretty damn good....

But with dogs, we do have bad dog. Bad dog exists. Bad dog! Bad dog! Stole a biscuit, bad dog! The dog is saying, Who are you to judge me? You human beings whove had...

Pol Pot killed one point seven million Cambodians, died under house arrest, well done there. Stalin killed many millions, died in his bed, aged seventy-two, well done indeed. And the reason we let them get...

There ‘ s a huge hole in the whole Flood drama, because anything that could float or swim got away scot-free, and it was the idea to wipe out everything, He didn ‘ t say,...

And you don ‘ t get the normal perks of a normal job, like people who work in an office; they have other people there, you can flirt, you know? You go, Hey! Oh, you...