I am an evil giraffe, and I shall eat more leaves from this tree then prehaps I should, so that other giraffes may die

I’m an Action Transvestite

Eddie Izzard: Dress to Kill.

Socrates was killed ‘¦ by his own people. He was! [Nods head]. Coz he questioned everything ‘¦ Ë When is a house a house? ‘ Ë Just chill-out will you? ‘ Ë If I ‘...

We must have been hunters and gatherers but some of us were just waiters and hopers.

So my choice is ‘Or Death?’.

Cause if you’re a transvestite, you’re actually a male tomboy, that’s where the sexuality is. Yeah, it’s not drag queen, no; gay men have got that covered. This is male tomboy, and people do get...

It ‘ s a secret, religious, weird, ceremonial rite of passage for girls that women know. Hopscotch, it was bizarre for boys, Ë cause they never played it, and as a boy, I was behind...

Performance enhancing drugs are banned in the Olympics. Ok, we canswing with that. But performance debilitating drugs should not bebanned. Smoke a joint and win the hundred meters, fair play for you.That’s pretty damn good....

But with dogs, we do have bad dog. Bad dog exists. Bad dog! Bad dog! Stole a biscuit, bad dog! The dog is saying, Who are you to judge me? You human beings whove had...

Pol Pot killed one point seven million Cambodians, died under house arrest, well done there. Stalin killed many millions, died in his bed, aged seventy-two, well done indeed. And the reason we let them get...

There ‘ s a huge hole in the whole Flood drama, because anything that could float or swim got away scot-free, and it was the idea to wipe out everything, He didn ‘ t say,...

And you don ‘ t get the normal perks of a normal job, like people who work in an office; they have other people there, you can flirt, you know? You go, Hey! Oh, you...

[Mock singing] And shall my sword sleep in my hand ‘¦ ‘ [Speaking] NOT a good idea, you ‘ re gonna roll over and cut your bits off. ‘

They tend to come out a colour called ‘Pants left in wash’

And they always find in archeology a series of small walls. Every time, a series of small walls. Everywhere you go. Weve found a series of small walls, were very excited I think this proves...

If you’ve never seen an elephant ski, you’ve never been on acid.

ello, Sue. I’ve got legs. Do you like bread? I’ve got a French loaf. Bye! I love you

I wanna live ’til I die, no more, no less.

Charelton Heston and a monkey with a gun…Film at 11.

But with dogs, we do have bad dog. ‘ Bad dog exists. Bad dog! Bad dog! Stole a biscuit, bad dog! ‘ The dog is saying, Who are you to judge me? You human beings...

Theres a huge hole in the whole Flood drama, because anything that could float or swim got away scot-free, and it was the idea to wipe out everything, He didnt say, I will kill everything,...

My name is NOT Tracy

I’m a one-man idiot

I like my coffee like I like my women. In a plastic cup.

Father, bless me for I have sinned, I did an original sin ‘¦ I poked a badger with a spoon.

I grew up in Europe, where the history comes from.

And theres others like taxidermist! You cant just go, Oh, I was just working at the chip shop, and I just started stuffing animals with sand, you know? Youve gotta want to be! I want...

Never put a sock in a toaster.

I’m an action transvestite really, so it’s running, jumping, climbing trees… putting on make-up when you’re up there!

Picasso, he should have been a taxidermist! I ‘ ve done your dog. It ‘ s got nine eyes down the side, I made his head all square, 15 legs. What do you think of...

We stole countries with the cunning use of flags! Yeah, just sail around the world and stick a flag in. – I claim India for Britain!They go, – You can’t claim us, we live here!...

They say that ‘Guns don’t kill people, people kill people.’ Well I think the gun helps. If you just stood there and yelled BANG, I don’t think you’d kill too many people.

Guns don’t kill people, people kill people, and monkeys do too (if they have a gun).

I’m a one-man idiot.

Imperial Soldier: Oh… I… Oh.Imperial Commander: What is it lieutenant Sebastian?Imperial Soldier: Its the rebels, sir… they’re here.Imperial Commander: My god man! Do they want tea?Imperial Soldier: No, I think they want something more then...

MAC gave me 55 lipsticks to test. These are the same lipsticks I got caught stealing by the police when I was 15. How ironic.

And there ‘ s others like taxidermist! You can ‘ t just go, Oh, I was just working at the chip shop, and I just started stuffing animals with sand, ‘ you know? You ‘...

You say ‘erbs, and we say Herbs because there’s a f*****g H in it!

But with dogs, we do have “bad dog.” Bad dog exists. “Bad dog! Bad dog! Stole a biscuit, bad dog!” The dog is saying, “Who are you to judge me? You human beings who’ve had...

Puberty is the sickest joke God plays on us. So you’re just noticing members of the sex: “Girls girls, ooo”. Naturally you want to look your best, and God says “No! You will look the...

But puberty was ‘¦ well, before puberty, at school, I didn’t tell kids I was a transvestite Ë cause I thought they might kill me with sticks, you know?

He was a genius. To think all these years on his comedy is still making us laugh

Twang him into a tree!

Romance & Cigarettes.

It’d be fantabulous

So the American government lied to the Native Americans for many, many years, and then President Clinton lied about a relationship, and everyone was surprised! A little naïve, I feel!

And the National Rifle Association says that, “Guns don’t kill people, people do, ‘ but I think the gun helps, you know? I think it helps. I just think just standing there going, “Bang!” That’s...

Cause, “”Cake or death?”” That’s a pretty easy question. Anyone could answer that.””Cake or death?””””Eh, cake please.””””Very well! Give him cake!””””Oh, thanks very much. It’s very nice.””””You! Cake or death?”” Uh, cake for me, too,...

Tea and cake or death…students with beards ‘tea and cake or death, tea and cake or death…little red cookbook, little red cookbook.’