I’m done. I’m going to go to bed and read important books about theater.””It would would be easier if you just said porn,” Scarlett said.”No idea what you’re talking about. But knock first if you...

I found this, though,” Gazzy said excitedly, holding up a small green box. “Gas-X! Like, ‘X’ for explosion! This is great! I’m thinking I rig this with a detonator and-“”Did you find that in the...

Brilliance is impossible without a touch of insanity.

I felt like an animal, and animals don’t know sin, do they?

Are you sure this is a good idea?’ I ask.‘No,’ says Amber. ‘Let’s do it.

Jean-Baptiste Say may have coined the term ‘entrepreneur’ but he totally missed the opportunity to put it on a t-shirt and sell it.

She whistled when she noticed my back. I assume because of my injuries. I mean, my ass just isn’t that spectacular.

A brick could be cast in Samuel Jackson roles. It would be cheaper and more dramatic.

There comes a time in every woman’s life where she will decide to eat cookie dough. It is when and how that truly defines her.

will I achieve this?no way.that’s not acknowledging me.i am on wrong way.i accept.

Blankets could be used to stop exponential population growth. If we kept the people warm, maybe they wouldn’t try to heat themselves up through continual fornication.

Everyone thinks you’ve been kidnapped,” he said. “We’ve been scouring the ship. When Coach Hedge finds out- oh, gods, you’ve been here all night?””Frank!” Annabeth’s ears were as red as strawberries. “We just came down...

If you put any effort into anything you do and have a strong sense of self to the point where you don’t even question your choices before you walk out of the house— you’re a...

I am pretty tenacious as a perfectionist in terms of getting something right.

Grover: It’s a very sweet love story. I get misty-eyed every time I play it. So does Percy, but I think that’s because he’s laughing at me.

For some, the left testicle is larger than the right one. For Chuck Norris, each testicle is larger than the other one.

We often hear that mathematics consists mainly of ‘proving theorems.’ Is a writer’s job mainly that of ‘writing sentences?

…and a third had died in his bunk of natural causes– for a dagger in the heart quite naturally ends one’s life

Would you like to sit?” Kellen asked her.”You’d better do it soon,” Owen whispered close to her ear, “or I’m going to bend you over that table and break the club’s no-penetration-in-the-lounge rule.

And certainly, the mistakes that we male and female mortals make when we have our own way might fairly raise some wonder that we are so fond of it.

It seems like when I first started, people got into comedy because they wanted to be good comedians.

Advertisements contain the only truths to be relied on in a newspaper.

Yes, I kidnapped that Lindberg baby.

I scoured myself with lye soap from head to toe to get the evil funk of demon snot off me. I have flossed things the gods never meant to be flossed and used things that...

When Eve ate the apple her knowledge increased. But God liked dumb women so Paradise ceased. Gwen Goodnight. Her Work.

Stomp stomp. Whirr. Pleased to be of service.Shut up.Thank you.Stomp stomp stomp stomp stomp. Whirr. Thank you for making a simple door very happy.Hope your diodes rot.Thank you. Have a nice day.Stomp stomp stomp stomp....

You’ve got the fountain of youth hidden in your pants.””What the fuck does that even mean?” Hook demanded, then held up a hand. “Never mind, I don’t want to know.””Means fucking keeps you young.

Sounds great,” she said flatly then made a gagging sound.

You and I have a love so secret that not even you know about it. But first, let me introduce myself.

My dog hasn’t said a word all day, he must have a lot on his mind

Funyuns make you fart,” Caspian said, and I exploded in laughter.”What’s so funny?” Ben asked.I tried to stop laughing, but Caspian was leaning forward now, his face stck right in between us. “Funyuns give you...

Leave the cage open. If you love someone, give them a chance to leave. You can always lock them up again should they return to you.

Keep your friends close and make out with your enemies.

In any given situation there will always be more dumb people than smart people. We ain’t many!

I am the washing machine of love. And if you have no idea what I mean, maybe it’s time to let some laundry into your life.

Out of 30 years of Second City I was probably the third African-American with the main stage cast. I was surprised when I first heard that. I think part of the reason that improvisation has...

I watch the Eruptions. Mount Dad, long dormant, now considered armed and dangerous. Mount Saint Mom, oozing lava, spitting flame. Warn the villagers to run into the sea.

I’ve often wondered what makes a relationship last. I guess the best answer is it’s the one right after the next to the last one.

I’m going to put the moves on her,’ he says gravely. ‘Things might get weird.’ He says it like a commando setting up a midnight raid. Like: Sure, this is going to be extraordinarily dangerous,...

I think he fucked me stupid”- McKenzie Matthews- Being Beckett’s

Valkyrie walked to the back door, which hadn’t been closed properly, shut it and locked it. There was now a baby in the house, after all. She couldn’t take the chance that a wild animal...

I beg your pardon; I am drunk without a drink. English wine & words are vulnerable to every man.

A seven-figure civil suit?

I feel like I could be the best, but I’m not going to openly admit that. At least not to any of my clones.

Help.

Halt,” said Horace, “I’ve been thinking…”Halt and Will exchanged an amused glance. “Always a dangerous pastime,” they chorused. For many years, it had been Halt’s unfailing response when Will had made the same statement. Horace...

I called an insurance company to get a quote. They gave me one of Oscar Wilde’s best.

How do you manage for money?’ I asked.I was given two simultaneous replies of ‘We get by’ from Ian and ‘Don’t ask’ from Neil. I favoured Ian’s reply because it had less-sinister connotations. ‘Don’t ask’...

Ahhhhh!

I learned never to listen to acting teachers because they don’t know what the hell they’re talking about.