He seemed to be staring at the chain hanging from the ceiling fan. Seconds later, he confirmed this by reaching out and tugging the chain. Light clicked on.He tugged the chain again.Light went off.Oh for...

We’re authors, too,” Donegan said, “and we’ve been trying to get into the picture-book market. We have this idea for a Where’s Wally type thing, except in ours, you’d have to find the one living...

Not one word,” Kel warned. “Tobe and I have reached an understanding.” Neal’s lips twitched. “Why do I feel you did most of the understanding.

One starts to get young at the age of sixty and then it is too late.

Lecture’s over.

Always go to other people’s funerals, otherwise they won’t come to yours.

Uh… ,” Ivy stammered, and I glanced up to see her eyes wide in consideration.”I’m kidding,” I said. “It passed the lethal-amulet test, remember?””Not that. You keep it in your underwear drawer?”I hesitated, wondering why...

My father sacrificed his life for our family when I was growing up. He was one of the bravest, wisest, and most unselfish goats I have ever known, and I will miss his cheese dearly.

In America, Prince is a dog’s name.

It’s not that I can’t express myself,it’s that I still feel present when I’m not expressing myself.

I told you I didn’t want to go. Of course, I really did want to go, but I just said I didn’t want to go so you’d beg me to go and I could feel...

The elevator shaft was a kind of heat sink. Hot food was cold by the time it arrived. Cold food got colder. No one knew what would happen to ice cream, but it would probably...

When I was little, we used to have Atari.

He’s getting away you idiots! Shoot him. I’m wearing Spider-Man underpants!

I think serial monogamy says it all.

Men reach their sexual peak at eighteen. Women reach theirs at thirty-five. Do you get the feeling that God is playing a practical joke?

If I die, who’s going to take care of my shadow? Or will it return to the night, from whence it came? While I sleep at night I keep my shadow folded neatly in my...

He looked at her defiantly, and she thought: and so one at a time we all become human—human werewolves, human dwarfs, human trolls …the melting pot melts in one direction only, and so we make...

I wash the clothes, rinse them and then scrub them again. Will that square little box do that? I am not using any fancy machines when my hands will do.

Dude. Hot Bozo. Best nickname ever.

Marc’s hand tightened visibly around Kevin’s fingers, his digits going white. Again. Both men clenched their jaws, Kevin in pain, and Marc in an obvious effort to control his temper and keep from breaking Kevin’s...

Yeah, I had an argument with a vacuum cleaner hose, it wanted me to it a blowjob, but I refused so it took offence. It claimed I blew everyone else’s attachment and it wasn’t fair.

You couldn’t find your dick in the dark, you scheming, sleaze-mongering scumwad.

what would you call this haircut?”arthur.

Religion is like a blind man looking in a black room for a black cat that isn’t there, and finding it.

I make art for one person and one person only. And as soon as I find that one person, I sure hope he has a lot of wall space, because he’ll be getting a lot...

If I could store any character quality in a cookie jar, I’d store patience. Chocolate-chip patience cookies. And I’d eat them all at one sitting.

I refuse to be just another statistic. I’m empowering myself to be an informed, assertive, beautiful statistic!

I spend all my time trying to capture the moment. And when I do, I’ll interrogate and torture it.

I definitely believe in the theory of penis envy. My penis feels envious pretty much all the time.

It’s a dog-eat-dog world, and I’m just a kitten.

I can pass any polygraph, as long as it’s cut up into small enough bites.

If you already knew, why did you ask?

No easy answers? I know plenty of answers that’ll do it on the very first date.

A job is like a politician struggling in the water. Be sure you hold it down.

No agnostic ever burned anyone at the stake. That wouldn’t be nearly slow and painful enough.

To me love is like a cup of soapy dishwater. Sure, I’ll drink it, but I won’t swish it around in my mouth while you try to stuff filthy silverware down my throat.

Remember when the question ‘Ginger or Mary Ann’ had nothing to do with who would be the last surviving cast member?

My grandmother is dating a grandfather clock, and I’ve started wearing a wristwatch on my ankle. I also wear my love for Agatha like a raincoat, and I am jealous of every umbrella I see.

When the entire document is redacted, everybody’s on the same page.

Bring on hyperinflation! I want to be a millionaire with minimal work.

Besides, my drinking blood’s not nearly as weird as that time I caught you shaving your legs.””I was curious!

I want to fill a jar with a lot of clapping, and sell my applause next to the applesauce in a grocery store. You can eat the praise you didn’t earn, but did pay for.

Too bad for a lot of people that beauty isn’t skin wide

Love has boundaries, like a map, and I guess that makes me a cartographer. Don’t take this the wrong way, but you’re too topographical for my taste.

My name is Moscow Moonlove. My friends call me Moss, Cow, Moo, Moon, or Tigerpants.

There are pockets of wealth in this country. Mostly those pockets are in the politicians’ pants.

I had a dream about you. We were traveling in your car. You were driving, and I was securely fastened by ropes and duct tape in the trunk. I tried telling you my family has...

I killed my clone and I hid his body behind every mirror I’ll ever step in front of. I’m always surprised to see him, and I never fail to brush his teeth or gaze at...

A blanket could be used to keep people warm. But take it from me: you want to freeze those dead bodies as soon as they’re cold and lifeless, because you don’t want the bodies staying...