I was making pancakes the other day and a fly flew into the kitchen. And that’s when I realized that a spatula is a lot like a fly swatter. And a crushed fly is a...

Sort of’ is such a harmless thing to say… sort of. It’s just a filler. Sort of… it doesn’t really mean anything. But after certain things, sort of means everything. Like… after “I love you”…...

Even as a little child, I’ve always had that comedian kind of attitude.

I’m probably more of a stand-up comedian than an actor.

What makes a comedian has nothing to do with religion. Think of Red Skelton, Jimmy Durante, Jackie Gleason, who were all Catholics.

Suddenly, the world I had scrutinised for so long was all around me, as if I had leaned forward and climbed into the television like Alice through the looking-glass. I had no idea just how...

To be a philosopher, just reverse everything you have ever been told…and have a sense of humor doing it.

Shut up…let me tell you, LET ME. Every time I look at your face or even remember it, it wrecks me. And the way you are with me and you’re just fun and you shit...

For a comedian, there is nothing better than watching another great comedian.

To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism; to steal from many is research.

The ones who constantly make us laugh are the hardest of friends to know – for comedians are the caricatures among us.

Fuck it… That’s really the attitude that keeps a family together, it’s not “we love each other”, it’s just “fuck it, man.

There isn’t a comedian in the world that hasn’t bombed.

I was a standup comedian, which is kind of like writing and directing yourself.

Every job from the heart is, ultimately, of equal value. The nurse injects the syringe; the writer slides the pen; the farmer plows the dirt; the comedian draws the laughter. Monetary income is the perfect...

What is she doing here? I wondered. Hasn’t she had enough green-upping?

I don’t know. I moved to L.A. to be a rock star and a comedian, and now I’m a contributor to Cosmopolitan,

Your average comedian doesn’t know the podcast universe, really.

An assumption is the joke; truth the punchline.

Almost everybody gets tired and bored by one lackadaisical topic. If you hit them with something delicious, like a sexy adventure, then the world will want to hear you speak, mind you! Don’t become a...

I’m not a comedian. I’m an actor who just happens to be funny on occasion.

Many people are surprised to hear that we have comedians in Russia, but they are there. They are dead, but they are there.

I don’t appreciate people who celebrate their dog’s birthdays with “dog parties,” and then invite their friends who don’t even have dogs. I understand why people like dogs, and I think they definitely bring more...

To tell you the truth, I always wanted to be a sketch comedian and a comedy actor.

As a comedian, the more you commit the sin of stupidity, three essential things happen to your life:~people applaud you incessantly.~love you more than their parents.~give you a daily bread.

You say you’re a comedian, you always have to be on guard.

Shamu and I have arrived safely in Costa Rica. He was stopped by airport security because he carries enough artillery in his pants pockets to construct a sawed-off shotgun. Evidently, he thought we were headed...

It’s equally my obligation as a comedian to point out what is wrong with us and get us talking about our problems as it is pointing out what’s wrong (with) the way, for example, the...

The difficulty with humorists is that they will mix what they believe with what they don’t—whichever seems likelier to win an effect.

I think Flip Wilson is a brillant comedian.

I would say I’m a goof ball, but not a comedian.

That is the saving grace of humor, if you fail no one is laughing at you.

I’m trying to be a comedian, you know?

All these old guys, they were exactly the same on stage as off, and they couldn’t help being comedians.

A true comedian is really a good humanitarian, but a very rare few match up to that high standard.

Believe it or not the war on Iraq is based on a sound scientific principle, The bee hive principle. Which clearly states that if you are stung by a bee, you should follow it back...

I’ve been a stand-up comedian for years, and I can be silly.

My ship came in,then it sank!

If you pray for rain long enough, it eventually does fall. If you pray for floodwaters to abate, they eventually do. The same happens in the absence of prayers.

Most of the world knows him as the dad on Full House , but I know him as this funny, sick comedian. He and Andrew Dice Clay were the two dirty, hilarious comedians when I...

I was afraid if I started talking in front of the crowd, they’d all laugh at me. And guess what? They did! Oh it was horrible. I’m never going to do stand-up comedy again.

A comedian sees the world bent. I’m tangent to the circle.

Paul is a liar, he said so. (Romans 3:7.)