I don’t plan to grow old gracefully; I plan to have face-lifts until my ears meet

It’s so great to find that one special person you want to annoy for the rest of your life.

Marriages don’t last. When I meet a guy, the first question I ask myself is: is this the man I want my children to spend their weekends with?

Men reach their sexual peak at eighteen. Women reach theirs at thirty-five. Do you get the feeling that God is playing a practical joke?

My boyfriend and I broke up. He wanted to get married and I didn’t want him to.

I love to shop after a bad relationship. I don’t know. I buy a new outfit and it makes me feel better. It just does. Sometimes I see a really great outfit, I’ll break up...

My mother buried three husbands – and two of them were only napping.

I know I want to have children while my parents are still young enough to take care of them

Before I met my husband, I’d never fallen in love. I’d stepped in it a few times.

They usually have two tellers in my local bank, except when it’s very busy, when they have one.

I never know what to get my father for his birthday. I gave him a hundred dollars and said, ‘Buy yourself something that will make your life easier.’ So he went out and bought a...

To attract men, I wear a perfume called “New Car Interior.”

My husband and I are either going to buy a dog or have a child. We can’t decide whether to ruin our carpet or ruin our lives.

Men hate to lose. I beat my husband once at tennis. I asked him, “Will we ever make love again?” He said, “Yes…. but not with each other.”

The word ‘aerobics’ came about when the gym instructors got together and said: If we’re going to charge $10 an hour, we can’t call it Jumping up and down.

In Hollywood a marriage is a success if it outlasts milk.

When I eventually met Mr. Right I had no idea that his first name was Always.

I love to sleep. Do you? Isn’t it great? It really is the best of both worlds. You get to be alive and unconscious.

Never play peekaboo with a child on a long plane trip. There’s no end to the game. Finally I grabbed him by the bib and said, “”Look, it’s always gonna be me!””

I got kicked out of ballet class because I pulled a groin muscle. It wasn’t mine.

Some people think having large breasts makes a woman stupid. Actually, it’s quite the opposite: A woman having large breasts makes men stupid.

Now that we’ve got the East-West All-Star game here, don’t you think there’s the possibility that someday we’ll have our own team?

Whenever I date a guy, I think, ‘Is this the man I want my children to spend their weekends with?’

Someday I want to be rich. Some people get so rich they lose all respect for humanity. That’s how rich I want to be.

I want to have children, but my friends scare me. One of my friends told me she was in labor for 36 hours. I don’t even want to do anything that feels good for 36...

It wasn’t that no one asked me to the prom, it was that no one would tell me where it was

The entertainment complements what we do here. There is no better shopping than here and there are no better restaurants. There are a million ways to enjoy yourselves in Las Vegas.

The time you spend grieving over a man should never exceed the amount of time you actually spent with him.

Men forget everything; women remember everything. That’s why men need instant replay in sports. They’ve already forgotten what’s happened.

When I eventually met Mr Right I had no idea that his first name was Always.

We’ve begun to long for the pitter-patter of little feet – so we bought a dog. Well, it’s cheaper, and you get more feet.

My mother is such a lousy cook that Thanksgiving at her house is a time of sorrow.

My grandmother was a very tough woman. She buried three husbands and two of them were just napping.

I love being married. It’s so great to find that one special person you want to annoy for the rest of your life.

To attract men, I wear a perfume called ‘New Car Interior

I was going to have cosmetic surgery until I noticed that the doctor’s office was full of portraits by Picasso.

I was a vegetarian until I started leaning toward the sunlight.

Some women hold up dresses that are so ugly and they always say the same thing: ‘This looks much better on.’ On what? On fire?

Men who have a pierced ear are better prepared for marriage – they’ve experienced pain and bought jewelry.

I think men who have a pierced ear are better prepared for marriage. They’ve experienced pain and bought jewelry.

I wonder if other dogs think poodles are members of a weird religious cult.

foreign to me, and it shows.

Neurotics build castles in the air, psychotics live in them. My mother cleans them.

I had the most boring office job in the world…I used to clean the windows on envelopes.

Whenever I date a guy, I think, “Is this the man I want my children to spend their weekends with?”

Most turkeys taste better the day after, my mother’s tasted better the day before

My mother buried three husbands and two of them were only napping.

My husband gave me a necklace. It’s fake. I requested fake. Maybe I’m paranoid, but in this day and age, I don’t want something around my neck that’s worth more than my head.

A good place to meet a man is at the dry cleaner. These men usually have jobs and bathe.

A man will go to war, fight and die for his country. But he won’t get a bikini wax.