I saw a nipple and I got an erection. It was a man’s nipple, and I was standing alone in front of a mirror.

I had a dream about you. You winked at me and said the meat’s fresh, and I didn’t know which meat you were referring to. So I zipped up my pants and left the Men’s...

God might have been either drunk or naughty when he was creating women.

I want to be a naughty pirate, because when I put on that eye patch, it barely covers my genitals.

A vagina is not like a car door, no matter how hard you slam it. That’s why I prefer to drive Jeeps.

I like persons better than principles, and I like persons with no principles better than anything else in the world.

I had a dream I named my boat after you. I love to raise your mast.

My body looks the same, but I gained 20 pounds. The difference is that right now I have an erection, and before I didn’t.

I make believe like asexuals make love—alone, with cardboard tubes.

I’d hang a walrus on my wall, and I’d name him Russ. But I’m not a hunter—I’m a lover and a fisherman. Dinner will be ready in ten minutes, if you want to take off...

I’ll bet opening a store called Boobs and Books would increase literacy. I prefer a hands-on approach to learning.

Blood rushed to the regions of my body that I associated with naughtiness, and I was powerless to stop it.

I wear gloves, because I don’t want to tease people with my naked body. I’ve got to leave something to the imagination.

A rose is a mix of thorns with a flower, and is therefore half fuck you and half fuck me. If I gave you a dozen, would you fuck me 12 times?

You know what, your imagination works faster than your mind.

If I’m feeling in a naughty mood, I’ll steal some of Mama’s Creme De La Mer. If I’m feeling in a very naughty mood, I’ll steal some of Daddy’s Creme De La Mer. On the...

Instead of reciting her an original love poem using words, I think I’ll use my tongue to more creatively explore the deepest parts of her.

My boxers have salad dressing stains on them, and my dishwasher is broken. I’ll make dinner for you, if you clean up afterwards.

Women should have nipples on their butts. From a design perspective, I think it would revolutionize the fashion industry.

If you think the human body is beautiful, you haven’t met my uncle Melvin. His cam session starts at 6:00 if you wanna see.

I never loved another person the way I loved myself.

If my remote control doubled as a dildo, I’d never get off my ass to change the channel.

I want to create vagina-scented scratch and sniff stickers. You know, for lovers. They’d be dispensed in vending machines in YMCA locker rooms.

I’ve never been that cute kid that was forgiven for being naughty.

He liked the girls, liked to hold them around the waist, felt like a man when he did. But as for talking with them, no, no! Then he felt as though he were dealing with...

I like undressing women with my eyes, but I just can’t quite figure out how to unstrap their bras with my eyelids.

My penis smells like pasta. Also, I personally tested it out, and your spaghetti’s not too hot now, if you want to eat it.

Driving at night, when it’s dark, it’s the best time to wear a blindfold. My bumper sticker says honk if you’re horny, so give me a beep or two.

When I sing, it sounds like I’m gargling spaghetti. Is it any wonder that women lust after me and mail me their panties? (Mail to: Jarod Kintz/12358 Fibonacci Way/Jacksonville, Fl 32258)

Men are my hobby, if I ever got married I’d have to give it up.

William Hurt has a painful last name. Kevin Love has a name perfect for February 14th. But what about Johnny Longdong? Where does he fit?

I once saw two endangered species about to have sex, but I had to put a stop to it because I suspected one of them of being a prostitute.

Having sex is like bridge. If you don’t have a good partner, you’d better have a good hand.

If all the girls attending [the Yale prom] were laid end to end, I wouldn’t be at all surprised.

When I hear your name, I involuntarily clench my butt cheeks. Is that love? I don’t know—I’m not Nicholas Sparks.

I say yes, turn the other cheek, and let me slap your butt again. Forgiveness can be oh so naughty.

I make naked, and I make it by hand. I also make it using the rest of my body. Coming soon to a Walmart near you.

Can you tell by where my eyes are looking what I’m thinking? Hint: I’m staring directly at your vagina.

Good girls go to heaven, bad girls go everywhere.

I had a dream about you. I told you I wanted to start running, so you bought me some horseshoes and a saddle. Well, the saddle was more for you. I wish people would stop...

Bah, Alzheimer’s. The reason my grandma can’t remember anything is because she’s always thinking about dick.

If you smile when you are alone, then you really mean it, or you’re up to something.

She was pleased to have him come and never sorry to see him go.

If your house was burning, what would you grab? I’d grab my penis. Repeatedly.

I asked her to wear something revealing, so she showed up in a prophet’s toga.

I’m a book lover. I’ve probably already fucked a whole library.

Who’d cum first, you or your clone? To find out, why don’t you go fuck yourself?

When women go wrong, men go right after them.

None of us nine with the sixes. That’s the tragedy of love.

I have a spreadsheet of all the women I’d like to spread and sheet. Your mom is on my list. So is your grandma, may she rest in peace.