None of us nine with the sixes. That’s the tragedy of love.

I have a spreadsheet of all the women I’d like to spread and sheet. Your mom is on my list. So is your grandma, may she rest in peace.

If just one person has done it, it can be done. by V.L. Marshall

Love is a banana. First you peel it, and then you roll on the condom.

I took some naked pictures the other day. I don’t feel shamed, but I do feel remorse over having to steal the whole camera to get the pictures.

I was quite naughty at school.

Let’s be naughty and save Santa the trip.

Like a 9-5 business at 4:59 pm, her legs were open.

Would you like to sit?” Kellen asked her.”You’d better do it soon,” Owen whispered close to her ear, “or I’m going to bend you over that table and break the club’s no-penetration-in-the-lounge rule.

I have a whisper like a zipper. Your secret is safe in my pants.

My love is tube shaped. Don’t let your dad stick his dick in it.

The opportunity was too perfect to miss. Harry crept silently around behind Malfoy, Crabbe, and Goyle, bent down, and scooped a large handful of mud out of the path.’We were just talking about your friend...

If I had no clothes it’d be winter. If I were naked, it’d be the truth and we could lie together.

In the off chance I’ll be turned on, I keep a light switch in my pocket. (Who turned off the light in my pocket? Oh yeah, my erection.)

Ninety minutes of pure naughty (limit 30 minutes per customer). *No clones or triplets allowed!

I know it’s not your birthday, but would you like some birthday dick? It’s on sale today.

I might put a nicer pair of heels on and a cooler outfit, but I’m still that naughty girl who likes a slice of cheesecake on my day off.

The cucumber is just about the healthiest sex toy ever.

Let’s start a new family.

Several famous people have licked my nipples. Well, indirectly. First they licked the stamps, and then I peeled them off the letters and stuck them on my nipples.

I always thought of photography as a naughty thing to do – that was one of my favorite things about it, and when I first did it, I felt very perverse.

The only sea I saw Was the seesaw sea With you riding on it. Lie down, lie easy. Let me shipwreck in your thighs.

good girls go to heaven and bad girls go everywhere

I’ll never rest on my laurels. If I’ve got more than one Laurel in my bed, rest is not how I plan on utilizing my mattress.

It was not very long afterwards that Michael woke up one morning with a curious feeling inside him. He knew, the moment he opened his eyes, that something was wrong but he was not quite...

Why send roses? Wouldn’t it be more romantic to deliver a dozen orgasms? For only $19.95, I’ll deliver them to your woman any day of the year. But be sure to book early for Valentine’s...

Just give me a comfortable couch, a dog, a good book, and a woman. Then if you can get the dog to go somewhere and read the book, I might have a little fun.

I rarely drink, but last night, after several hours and several beers at the bar, I found myself face to face with two huge boobs. They weren’t the breasts of a young woman, but those...

My favorite color on canvas is nudity.

Just remember, all you have to do is say otherwise.

I keep my phone on vibrate, and I keep it close to my genitals. You should call me. A lot.

A vibrating toothbrush is one hygienic marvel of a sex toy. The next time I want to make love, I’ll make a dentist appointment.

Do you want me to ride you like a rented mule, or do you prefer to be Mr. Missionary Position? I’m fine with wither, so it doesn’t matter to me.

The list of women he’s slept with is longer than his penis. The list is three inches long.

If I owned a t-shirt shop, I would honor Eli Whitney by putting his face on a t-shirt made from 100% cotton. FREE admission if you’re topless.

I can remember when the air was clean and sex was dirty.

I had sex with a statue a few months ago. The sex was so still that I’m still wearing the condom.

We have reason to believe that man first walked upright to free his hands for masturbation.

I still remember her meandering Mississippi kiss. I sipped it like a riverboat captain in the desert. Ah, to be young and naughtily nautical.

Sometimes my thoughts are too slimy for my brain, and they come shooting out of my penis. They are life-changing thoughts, so I’d recommend taking them deep inside of you.

The hurt that troubled children create is never greater than the hurt they feel.

I don’t eat sweets because I’m trying to keep my boyish figure. That’s the way my priest likes it.

I’m feeling morass, when I should be feeling more ass. I can put my sadness behind me with what’s behind you.

I saw a nipple and I got an erection. It was a man’s nipple, and I was standing alone in front of a mirror.

I had a dream about you. You winked at me and said the meat’s fresh, and I didn’t know which meat you were referring to. So I zipped up my pants and left the Men’s...

God might have been either drunk or naughty when he was creating women.

I want to be a naughty pirate, because when I put on that eye patch, it barely covers my genitals.

A vagina is not like a car door, no matter how hard you slam it. That’s why I prefer to drive Jeeps.

I like persons better than principles, and I like persons with no principles better than anything else in the world.

I had a dream I named my boat after you. I love to raise your mast.