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Dark Jar  Quotes
Love is a banana. First you peel it, and then you roll on the condom.

—Dark Jar

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BananaCondomFood
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I love full on, like 65 mph in a handicapped parking spot.

—Dark Jar

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AbsurdCarDisabled
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I had a dream about you. You looked like you, but you also looked like a mannequin. And I looked like me, but I also looked like a mannequin. Between the two of us, we...

—Dark Jar

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DreamingDreamsFunny
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I make love with a focus and intensity that most people reserve for sleep.

—Dark Jar

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FocusFunnyHumor
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Love isn’t two matching unicycles. Love is a bicycle—and mine just got stolen.

—Dark Jar

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AbsurdFunnyHumor
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I had a dream about you. At first you were a mannequin, and I was a fashion designer. Then, inexplicably, we switched roles and I became the mannequin. But instead of putting clothes on me,...

—Dark Jar

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DreamingDreamsFunny
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Making love to me is amazing. Wait, I meant: making love, to me, is amazing. The absence of two little commas nearly transformed me into a sex god.

—Dark Jar

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AbsenceAmazementAmazing
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We had an unspoken love for one another. Probably because she’d never talk to me or return my phone calls or texts.

—Dark Jar

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CommunicateCommunicationConverse
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The only time I drink milk is when I drink coffee. I make love the same way—contributing 2% as I just sort of lay there.

—Dark Jar

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CoffeeFunnyHumor
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Let me be clear: I don’t want to make love to a mannequin—I want to make love like a mannequin. Oh, if only I were that animated in bed.

—Dark Jar

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AnimatedBedClarity
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She told me she loved me. She told me a lot of things. Some of those things were true, and some of those may or may not have been true. It’s kind of hard to...

—Dark Jar

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CommunicationDistractedDistraction
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In bed, I can go for hours. Oh yes, I love naps.

—Dark Jar

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FunnyHumorSex
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I am in love, and the river is beginning to ice over. I’d better go drown myself before I freeze to death.

—Dark Jar

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ColdDeathDrown
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Our love was a two-person game. At least until one of us died, and the other became a murderer.

—Dark Jar

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DeathFunnyGame
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We made love like two people trying to make love like three people in the trunk of a car.

—Dark Jar

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FunnyHumorLove
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I am the Trolley of Love. Free rides before noon and after 11:58 am!

—Dark Jar

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FreeFunnyHumor
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Love is like encountering a forest and having to chop down every tree but one. Oh, and you have to chop down each tree by hugging it until it falls.

—Dark Jar

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ForestryFunnyHug
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I make love like sausage is to bacon as brick is to blanket. Somebody get me some utensils. And some lubrication (not Castrol Motor Oil).

—Dark Jar

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Brick-And-Blanket-TestBrick-And-Blanket-UsesFunny
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Dinner was great, but I could go for dessert.

—Dark Jar

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DinnerFoodFunny
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Love is meant to be sipped, rather than chugged, like a glass of wine you drink strait from the bottle.

—Dark Jar

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DrinkFunnyHumor
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I make love like farm equipment—not to farm equipment. There is a difference, though my cousin can’t tell it.

—Dark Jar

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CousinFarmFarm-Equipment
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I unwrapped my love for her like one might unwrap leftovers. Gotta eat up the old stuff first, as a cannibal might say in a retirement home.

—Dark Jar

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AbsurdAgeCannibal
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Love is inaudible—until you hear it. And once you do, you’ll never forget the sound of her voice.

—Dark Jar

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AmyForgetHear
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I make love like a snake disguised as an elephant and a donkey. But I mustn’t talk about sexual congress and Congress simultaneously.

—Dark Jar

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CongressCorruptionFunny
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I love like I’m thirsty. Can I offer you a tall glass of Sahara sand?

—Dark Jar

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DesertDrinkFood
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We made love like green is blue. That’s because we were only half into it, though for the record I was the blue and she was the disinterested yellow.

—Dark Jar

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BlueColorColors
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I’m a dog lover and sex addict. Those two things are unrelated.

—Dark Jar

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AnimalsDogDogs
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If you have the woman you love, what more do you need? Well, besides an alibi for the time of her husband’s murder.

—Dark Jar

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AlibiCrazyDesire
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The cops have no idea where my cave is, and your first package has yet to be delivered.”

—Dark Jar

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DreamingDreamsFunny
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I love being in love, but I also love other things, like not being jealous, overly sensitive, or needy.

—Dark Jar

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FunnyHumorJealous
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We made love like a half a minute. I brought the thirty seconds, and she provided the excuse as to why she didn’t have enough time to have sex with me.

—Dark Jar

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ExcuseFunnyHumor
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To find out if she really loved me, I hooked her up to a lie detector. And just as I suspected, my machine was broken.

—Dark Jar

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BrokenDeceitDeception
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politician,” and must be destroyed.

—Dark Jar

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DreamingDreamsFunny
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I love that she loves me a 10, on a 5-point scale. Well, I know it’s a 5-point scale, though I asked her on a 1-100 scale.

—Dark Jar

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AnswerDeceitDeceived
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