When I was growing up I always wanted to be someone. Now I realize I should have been more specific.

Man invented language to satisfy his deep need to complain.

I said “Somebody should do something about that.” Then I realized I am somebody.

Lady, I do not make up things. That is lies. Lies are not true. But the truth could be made up if yo know how. And that’s the truth.

We have reason to believe that man first walked upright to free his hands for masturbation.

Why is it that when we talk to God we’re said to be praying, but when God talks to us we’re schizophrenic?

Just remember, we’re all in this alone.

No matter how cynical you get, it is impossible to keep up.

The trouble with being in the rat race is that even if you win, you’re still a rat.