Ninety minutes of pure naughty (limit 30 minutes per customer). *No clones or triplets allowed!

My clones just honored me with the 2012 Man of the Year Award. But I wasn’t fooled—I knew they were really honoring themselves.

My clones will look like me, and therefore I’ll treat them like myself—starting with spending all their hard-earned money. You can’t love someone else if you can’t first love yourself.

There’s someone for everyone. And when my clones get here, everyone will be able to have that someone. Prices start at $99.

I’d collaborate with my clones, because I’m a team player who wants all the credit.

I don’t trust you.” I’ll tell you, it’s like looking in a mirror when you make eye contact with your clone.

Escape is very difficult to negotiate, underwater.

The only questions I’ll ask my clone, are ones in which I already know the answer. This is the path to self-discovery.

Don’t be jealous if I spend 50% of my time with you, and 50% of my time with others, because you get 100% of 50%, while all the others have to share that other 50%.”...

Why do we need so many people on Earth? I ask you. What are they good for? They live out ludicrous lives of pointless desperation. Ninety-nine percent of the human population is so much wasted...

Clone One’s last name will be Martz. Clone Two I’ll call Martinez.

The coolest way to be cool is to be yourself, because nobody can be you but you. Well, aside from your clone.

Love means more to me than you’ll ever know. Well, unless the person reading this is my clone. But then my question is: what are you doing reading? Get back to work, slave, and make...

Question for your life: If Socrates had a clone, would he advise that clone to know thy self, or to know myself, with myself in this case being himself?

It’s not really masturbating if you’re jacking your clone off. It’s more like politics.

If I own a business, I work for myself. And if I have no revenue, I work for free. That’s not slavery. That’ll be the case when I employ 1,000,000,000 clones of myself. I won’t...

The thing that has impacted life on earth the most is life on mars. That’s where the government is storing all my clones.

I’m older than myself. At least I will be, once my clone gets here.

I want to meet a woman named Sherry who only drinks brandy, and a woman named Brandy who only drinks sherry. Then I’ll offer each one of them one magical night of sex with me,...

Only strong women, and they seem to be rare, can handle a frank and direct woman who doesn’t sweet-talk or need others to nerve her. You can identify the easily intimidated because they need a...

You can’t be the best all the time. But that’s what clones are for—to be you while you sleep.

The worst part about clones is you could be both innocent and guilty at the same time. I didn’t do it—but I did, in the form of my clone.

If my clone were standing next to me, I’d be beside myself with joy. I’d also be literally beside myself. In that case, I’ll bet you’d love me twice as much, huh?

My face and body are not my essence. My actions, ideas, and ideals are the stuff of me. My clone will have my face and body, but he won’t be me.

I am two lucky guys.

When there is extra to be eaten, I’ll be there, and I’ll be hungry. When there is more love than people to absorb it all, I’ll be there, and I’ll invite my clones.

At my last birthday party I had fun and really let myself go. Literally. I opened the cages where I keep my clones and I let myself go, all 333 versions of myself.

Agatha had so much love she could fill a room. A room filled with strange men, which she often did. I don’t care if every single man in that room looked exactly like me, they...

We’re going to go in the back room as two singles, copulate back there, and come out a couple. Somebody go tell my clone where I am so he doesn’t go file a missing person’s...

Elms are dying all over the place, it’s Dutch elm disease. […] It came from America on a load of logs, and it’s a fungal disease. That makes it sound even more as if it...

I want to find myself as a person, and I’ve enlisted the help of my clone to aid me in this. It’s like finding Waldo, except I’m only half wearing the red and white sweater,...

When I need to be in two places at once, make two decisions at once, that’s what clones are for.

It’s not you, it’s me.” This line could signify rejection, or it could be something I say in the future, when I’m talking to one of my clones about another one of my clones.

Having a clone to bounce ideas off of would be a way to generate more ideas. Another way would be to build an idea generator that plugs into a wall socket and works only when...

A lifestyle of deception is hard to keep up if your clones aren’t willing to participate.

The older I get, the more I’ve got going for me. Each yesterday is a new me I’ve got working for my collective experience, like an army of clones.

What if a statue of me walked past my clone frozen in thought? Which one of the two would make a better quarterback than Geno Smith?

Can you be in love with more than one person and only one person at the same time? Yes, if you’re in love with two clones.

Out of all the guys she could love, I am two of them. But she chose my clone over me and that hurts. And it feels good.

The Bible says man has sin nature, but do clones have sin nature?

A high five is a two-person applause. Me and my clone will be excited to clap for you after we present you with the Julius Caesar Author of the Year Award. Keep up the great...

Aside from myself, there aren’t too many people trying to be me. That may change in the future, when all my clones arrive.

Clones: Why should you take the blame for your mistakes when there’s a genetic replica of yourself that’d make a perfectly good scapegoat?

If I’m having a conversation with my clone, am I having an interior dialogue externally?

I’m quoting my clone, because he quoted me thinking if I said it, he said it. He thought he was quoting himself when he quoted me. So in effect I’m quoting myself quoting myself, with...

I have assigned myself a Hooray Factor of five. This is the top level, and is the only level that has a physical representation—that of a high five. But don’t try to give me a...

Aside from murder alibis and kinky sex, what good are clones?

A mafia don could snap his fingers and somebody would snap my neck. But when I snap my fingers, people start dancing. Or at least my clones would.

A shadow is midnight’s whisper, I thought as I shouted at my invisible clone. Killing your own clone is the only time you could commit murder and suicide at the same time by killing just...

My new book is going well. It’s practically writing itself! Actually, what I mean is I’m not writing it, my clone is.