The morning came pouring down on my night, but luckily I was able to convert my erection into an umbrella.

Don’t let your erection be your direction

I have an Unexplained Flying Erection. I also have a floating picture of my dead grandma. The two are unrelated. Long live the queen!

If you find semen in your beer, you’ll no longer have to wonder why I no longer have an erection. Love touches us all, like I touch myself.

These days he was like a zombie, all grim business, just another jerk with an erection.

Your pants are unseasonably bitch. I beg your pardon. Excuse me, madam, but you are sitting on my erection.

Thinking of you,” and the picture was of my erect penis. I hope my local congressman got it OK.

It’s all society is, the repressed sex drives of men, the objectification of women, their paranoia, the posturing, the macho stances, the beauty standard, it’s all just one charade masking a never ending hard on.

Revenge seeks its pound of flesh. That’s one fifth of my erection.

A hotel is a temporary aquarium for people. That’s why I travel with a fishing pole, and erectile dysfunction medicine.

I had a dream I named my boat after you. I love to raise your mast.

I have an erection. I just got it. It was an early Christmas present. Do you think she’ll be mad that I unwrapped it early?

One of the side effects of Viagra is blurred vision. Sounds great! When I’m taking a pill to pop a stiffy, how great is it that any woman I look at has blurred features and...

Can the government grow the economy like a farmer grows an erection, or a male porn star grows a tree?

My erection at noon causes an elongated shadow so black you’d think I was an albino.

I worked for one day, and left with two days in my back pocket. I couldn’t stuff them in my crotch, because my erection took up all my pants and half the kitchen.

I saw a nipple and I got an erection. It was a man’s nipple, and I was standing alone in front of a mirror.

My body looks the same, but I gained 20 pounds. The difference is that right now I have an erection, and before I didn’t.

I spent about eight hours deep in thought over whether to get divorced. That may seem like a long time to ponder something, but I multitasked and slept at the same time. I woke up...

You don’t need to windup the wind to keep it going. It’s the same with my erection. All you need is two AA batteries and one I love you.

Renaldo once made a sex tape, and even fully erect, he still had to shoot it four times just to get some “footage.

If I’m working this hard in the morning, I’d prefer it be because my man has woken me up with an eight-inch nudge.

Sunday nights I get about two inches of sleep. But I make do, because that’s all the erection I can muster.

It’s hard to type with gloves on. It’s also hard to type with just an erection. It’s basically like typing with one finger, and in my case, a pinky.

For the duration of his erection: To a horny man, all women are the most beautiful woman in the world.

If sharks really can smell blood, then I’d imagine they’re all salivating over my erection right now.

The best way to wake up is with coffee and an erection. The cool part is one can stir the other.

There is a correlation between the number of days since a man last had sex, and, the number of things that he is willing to do for a woman.

Is that a ziggurat in your pocket or are you just Mesopotamia? You should know I sell happy-to-see-me’s & bananas individually or by the pocketful.

I wrote a song called “Stinky Sodomite.” It isn’t a pop song, a historical song, or a song condemning homosexuality. Rather, it is a children’s song that teaches them how to count. In fact, the...

There was something about the man that was throwing her right off, and it had everything to do with the boner in his pants.

I am one pair of roses away from the grave,” I told the midget with the twelve-inch erection. It wasn’t his—he was just holding it for a friend (that impressive penis belonged to a much...