I make love efficiently. Why involve two people, when the same outcome can be done by one?

When it comes to sex: some men treat women as objects; some women treat objects as men.

I can’t,” I said. “I threw my back out masturbating.

She imagined herself both queen and slave, dominatrix and victim. In her imagination she was making love with men of all skin colors–white, black, yellow–with homosexuals and beggars. She was anyone’s, and anyone could do...

I’m learning sign language to be a better communicator and masturbator.

For the most expensive way to realize an orgasm, men open their wallets. For the cheapest, they close their eyes.

After discovering him in his threesome, I spent the next two weeks in bed suffering from a severe case of vagina elbow. It’s a condition not unlike tennis elbow, but you get it from masturbating.

You cannot blame porn. When I was young, I used to masturbate to Gilligan’s Island.

Just like real sex, the touching was good, but there came a point in time when a woman needed to be filled – deeply.

Masturbation = Imagination + Activity. Worry = Imagination + Negativity.

Even if times are tough and you’re enduring a terrible heartache, it’s important to focus your anger on a vibrator, not another person.

That’s all anyone has, and it’s always brief, although, of course, some people believe they have a past where they can accumulate things and a future where they will accumulate still more. By the way,...

We have reason to believe that man first walked upright to free his hands for masturbation.

I just want mind-boggling sex tonight, but I don’t think you can beat my vibrator.

Reality is in the hand of the masturbator.

My first time I jacked off, I thought I’d invented it. I looked down at my sloppy handful of junk and thought, This is going to make me rich.

I reach down and grab my cockthe rolling scenery in my mindfar from peaceful

Often, no sooner would the mind begin to scale the heights of Mt. Knowledge than it would receive a frantic call from body base camp, demanding it return to oversee “Operation Masturbate.

Today I will masterbate!Okay, that was a mistake. I should have written “Today I will masterbate–if I want to!

To masturbate is to imagine: physically.

I make love in half. But that’s because I’m much too romantic to refer to it as masturbation.

Most board meetings amount to little more than intellectual masturbation. They are ideas that cause thrills, chills, and satisfaction, but there is no impregnation. Nothing is ever born of them. It’s intellectual masturbation.

The difference between a self-induced orgasm and an orgasm given by a man is like comparing a rainy day and a rain storm. Rain was a sure thing, you knew exactly what you were going...

And now Kit’s cock—which had mostly been used for taking a leak before that moment—woke up and screamed I WANT! FEED ME ASSHOLE! And Kit had given it a good handshake until it threw up.

I peer through the spectral, polluted, nicotine-sodden windows of my sock at these old lollopers in their kiddie gear. Go home, I say. Go home, lie down, and eat lots of potatoes. I had three...

You’ve jerked my heart more than your dick.

baptizing all containers with an orifice that appeals to their cock is the trivial pursuit of little boys” (23)(rbt: every “boy” i know has done this at least 15 times — why?)

In the early days all I hoped was to make a living out of what I did best. But, since there’s no real market for masturbation I had to fall back on my bass playing...

Sex without love is nothing more than a complex form of masturbation.

My words, my writing, my actions—these have never been for myself alone, either directly or indirectly. There is no such thing as an artist who creates art only for himself. That is masturbation.

I suffer from tennis elbow. It’s an old masturbating injury from when I was training to go into politics.

With a shaking hand, he reached for his cock, and stroked it slowly from base to tip. Clearly, prayer time was over.

The signs of excessive indulgence in this destructive pastime are easily detectable. They are these: A disposition to eat, to drink, to smoke, to meet together convivially, to laugh, to joke, and tell indelicate stories—...

Twas the night before Thanksgiving. All the food’s in the oven. And I’m in the bedroom performin’ self lovin’.

Regard yourself as a small corporation of one. Take yourself off on team-building exercises (long walks). Hold a Christmas party every year at which you stand in the corner of your writing room, shouting very...

I’m a handyman. I work with my hand. I masturbate for a living. That’s right, I’m in politics.

I hung a picture of him above my bed and learned by hand the internal workings of the female combustion engine.

Whether you studied sexology or not, nobody will teach you how to screw, nobody will point to your vagina and say, hey that’s where you pee and bonk! And nobody will say, hey, your penis...

The porn films are not about sex. Sex is airbrushed and digitally washed out of the films. There is no acting because none of the women are permitted to have what amounts to a personality....

Hey roomie.” I was breathless. I looked her straight in the eyes as my fingers squeezed my nipples and rubbed my swollen clit. “Told you I wouldn’t stop when you caught me.

I had a dream about you. A stadium full of children in glowing white robes were singing your name like little angels, and I wondered who you were to be deserving of such praise. Then...

Next time she’d have to ask him to keep the light on while he did it, so she could watch his face. That was the best part of the whole thing as far as she...

Of all the various kinds of sexual intercourse, this has the least to recommend it. As an amusement, it is too fleeting; as an occupation, it is too wearing; as a public exhibition, there is...

Sorry to interrupt, guys, but what’s an information system?”Still, your mind will drift further, envisioning how much more tolerable this call would be if you could just slowly masturbate during it. So you do. You...

Parthenogenesis means never having your mother tell you to stop doing that or you’ll go blind.

Making love is second to none. My masturbating habits are first to none.

I think I know what he is REALLY doing in there… and thinking about ME while doing it.” (continuing) “But when he thinks of me, he thinks: sister! Think: Byblis! BYBLIS! I don’t think of...

For most men, at the very least, sex is a daily deal. Men need to come. If they aren’t doing it with you, then they’re doing it with themselves – or worse, with someone else.

Welcome to Pantsland. Have a seat. Empty your pockets of masturbation and throw away your love of self-love.

Private moments held not a candle to coitus, not even the expensive kind of candle that made the whole room smell of far off seasons.