Alcohol is a crutch, for people with liquid legs. Our first date went swimmingly, like Michael Phelps mining for gold. 1849 just called me, and it wants its Levi’s jeans back. If you help with...

I keep my phone on vibrate, and I keep it close to my genitals. You should call me. A lot.

Microwavable ice cream is the future. Don’t wait for love to melt all over your crotch. Scoop some Ice Cream Soup today.

Licorice stops erections at the source—the crotch. It also helps against certain poisons, like love.

A tie is like an arrow pointing to my crotch. A tie is also like an even score.

Do you find it erotic how my pants bulge in the crotch, where I keep my coffee cup?

The zipper on my crotch is an air vent. I need some way to cool down my hot coffee.

I ordered an extra large handshake to go, but I had no idea it would be so greasy—or that it would leave a stain on my crotch. Ugh, politics!

I took my pants off slowly, thinking if I did it too fast I’d possibly rip a hole in the center of the universe.

There’s no way that you’re real,” she murmured to his crotch.