Watch over Honoria, will you? See that she doesn’t marry an idiot.

Welcome to,to,to,to,to Stutterville! P,p,p,please have a seat on your own lap.

Watching two cows have sex is the most magical experience at Cereal Land.

George Bush isn’t Hitler. He could be if he applied himself.

I am not going to give you disclaimers about what you can expect to find in my story. I went through menopause recently and find I don’t much care about anyone’s sensibilities anymore. I am...

That’s when it happens. Maybe it was my argument. Maybe it was my scary zeal. Whatever the reason, as soon as Megan whistles, the crowd is on its feet.They’re blowing bubbles. They’re raising their lighters...

What a refreshing mind you have, young man. There really is nothing quite like total ignorance, is there?

My ex girlfriend, she gave great log cabin. But she couldn’t write a speech like Lincoln. So I grew a beard and broke up with her.

Having kids and making kids are two different hobbies. I don’t have any children, but I do have lots of sex. It is an expensive hobby, but well worth the money I spend on it.

So. Monday. We meet again.We will never be friends—but maybe we can move past our mutual enmity toward a more-positive partnership.

He sees me when I’m lying. He hears me when I flirt.

I’m hungry to win. I should enter a hotdog eating contest.

Make love. I meant make love … of course. I would never just stick my dick in you. I would make mad, passionate love to this sweet, sweet body of yours for days, no, weeks....

I’m thinking of killing everyone whose name is a palindrome

L and V, both angular. O and E, both vowels. Coupled together, like a couple of couples coupling and copulating, and you have love. All this talk of sex makes me nostalgic for the Rasputin...

I’ve just finished reading some of my early papers, and you know, when I’d finished I said to myself, ‘Rutherford, my boy, you used to be a damned clever fellow.’ (1911)

Then you’re aping him. Valentine was one of the most arrogant and disrespectful men I’ve ever met. I suppose he brought you up to be just like him.””Yes,” Jace said, unable to help himself, “I...

My motto: I’ll do it today, or tomorrow, or the next day, or not.

{Summertime she speaks of winter, she eats ham, but speaks of beef, got a good man but, flirts with another. She might as well go to hell, cause she ain’t gonna be happy in heaven...

I buy my clothes large, so I feel comfortable gaining weight. When I love, I do it in two sizes—extra large, and refill.

I need to go to the store and pick up some condoms. But first I need to pick up some women.

(I didn’t tell him that thediagnosis came three months after I got my first period. Like: Congratulations! You’re a woman. Now die.)

He looked back at her, and when she saw the look on his face, she saw his eyes at Renwick’s, when he had watched the Portal that separated him from his home shatter into a...

This morning, as I was driving to work, I mistook a big brown box on the side of the road for a deer. It was dark, and I swerved at the last second, and even...

‘Jane’s World’ has pushed the boundaries for mainstream comic strips: girls have kissed, punched each other, have been abducted by aliens, taken steamy showers together and turned into monkeys. Jane has been through a lot...

I was too late to be early. Good thing I was on time. And though my I love you was said at the right moment, my aim was off and I hit the wrong person.

He could not consent to allow himself to be insulted, still less to allow himself to be treated as a rag, and, above all, to allow a thoroughly vicious man to treat him so. No...

I guess the breakfast burritos are going to have some extra protein in the morning.

Nerd love. It is a beautiful thing, while also being an object of mockery and hilarity for those of us who are more sophisticated.

I write sappy love poetry. Mostly about bleeding trees.

Star, pillows don’t attack dogs,” Sam said.”Or anything else,” Turtle added.

Respect? Of course, always, to all, because everything seems funnier when you’re trying to show respect.

My vacation wasn’t long enough—and neither was my penis. Two weeks is just too short to satisfy one woman all night long.

Yes, the long war on Christianity. I pray that one day we may live in an America where Christians can worship freely! In broad daylight! Openly wearing the symbols of their religion… perhaps around their...

Eat dirt evil doer!

I once made love to a taco shell stuffed with rancid meat and watery tomato bits. It was the best sex I’ve ever served to an unsuspecting customer.

So much good, so much evil. Just add water.

Your dog looks dirty. You could give it a bath, or I could piss on it for free. Or you could pay me to piss on it, that’d work too.

Love is like meatloaf—don’t make it after midnight, unless you’re wearing a condom.

A fallow mind is a field of discontent.

New Rule: America has every right ot bitch about gas prices suddenly shooting up. How could we have known? Oh, wait, there was that teensy, tiny thing about being warned constantly over the last forty...

Today I’m in love. Today is Tuesday, though that’s not why I’m in love. I’m in love with Friday, and I actually fell in love yesterday.

I’m English. We’re about as tactful as a hot poker up the bum, most of the time.

My mother always told me not to pick my nose, so I’m going let the plastic surgeon decide what my new nose will look like. I’m hoping he makes it look like either a Tiffany...

For a woman, intellectually stimulated is sexually aroused. For a man, sexually aroused is—well, I don’t know, I can’t think right now, because I have an erection.

Some of us go full circle. Some of us blindly go nowhere. The circle doesn’t have to be very large to make a point, kick your ass and/or be entertaining. Remember that and stay light....

New Rule: Stop putting psychedelic screensavers on computers. I sit down to check my e-mail, and the next thing I know it’s three days later, I’m in the desert, I’m banging on a drum, I’m...

There’s a new wine I want to try. I heard about it through the grapevine.

Right. That’s twenty-two fifty.””Twenty-two fifty?” We can’t hide our exasperation.”Well, yeah – this is a classy joint, you know.””That’s obvious – the service is incredible.

There is much in our culture to affront the eye of the fervent terrorist postulant, things out there that do us no favors, to be sure. If, for example, it came to light that the...