Vulcan Dis of the Week: Perhaps, t’hy’la, you should perform a mind meld on yourself, in order to determine what the bogozh you’re thinking.

Fuck you and the paranormal horse you rode in on.

Wisdom of the Ages: “Being Poor” Of all the crimes committed in America, undoubtedly the most unforgivable.

For an instant Stile was daunted by the improbability of it all: a man, a cyborg, a robot, an animalhead, and a wooden golem, all riding unicorns through a battlefield strewn with goblins and dragons,...

I was the kid next door’s imaginary friend.

My favorite flower is the tulip. I’m crazy like Holland about them. I’ll even pay as much as $1,637 for one.

If you forget your lines, you had better mumble with conviction.

As long as espionage is less expensive than remotely controlling people’s brains, CIA will continue to remotely control people’s brains.

Adventures are never fun while you’re having them.

Tried living in the real world instead of a shell, but I was bored before I even began.

Coffee is a way of stealing time that should by rights belong to your older self.

I have a meeting with McConnell and Baroja tomorrow at ten A.M. to review some procedures,” he said. Now, that was the J.B. I knew. Never mind the demon attack; procedures needed reviewing.

A lake is not an ocean. But my love for you is. And it’s drying up as we speak—or, rather, as we don’t speak.

In the eleventh century obese English king William the Conqueror took to bed and consumed nothing but alcohol to shed pounds, a practice many of his countrymen seem to continue to this day.

It may be to die for, but is it to die and be risen again as one of the undead, doomed to wander soulless through all eternity for?

When the Washington Post telephoned me at home on Valentine’s Day 1989 to ask my opinion about the Ayatollah Khomeini’s fatwah, I felt at once that here was something that completely committed me. It was,...

I am hated for loving.I am haunted for wanting.

If after hearing my songs just one human being is inspired to say something nasty to a friend or perhaps to strike a loved one it will all have been worth the while.

If zombies eat brains, then they’d love me, because who doesn’t like a buffet?

Speaking of grandmas, have you heard the joke about grandparents and WWII? No? Well, if you do, be sure to tell me because I’d like to hear it too.

08/14/1025h. Dessert Competitions.08/14/1315h. Illinois State Fair Infirmary; then motel; then Springfield Memorial Medical Center Emergency Room for distention and possible rupture of transverse colon (false alarm); then motel; incapacitated till well after sunset; whole day...

Tomorrow belongs to those who prepare for it today” today. Prepare today and then tell them tomorrow.

On that same tour we ran into a band at Aylesbury Friars, a biggish venue in Oxfordshire, England. They were a four-piece from Ireland called U2. They seemed like nice fellows and they sounded pretty...

We hate it when our friends become successful.

Being the evil undead wasn’t fun anymore. For one thing, it was increasingly hard to get a library card.

Tell me you love me like you mean it, and tell me while your mouth is full of food.

When you’re here, I’m there for you. And when you’re there, I’m here for you.

I’m so glad my date doesn’t think I’m ugly. I love blind dates where the woman is actually blind.

Wait, Richard Cheney, as in Dick Cheney? You’re a vampire named Dick Cheney? Somehow, that makes you seem more evil.

Start here & go until you die, he said. What’s so complicated about that?

He’s a ghost, not a carnival magician.-Benny Imura

I staggered into a Manchester bar late one night on a tour and the waitress said “You look as if you need a Screaming Orgasm”. At the time this was the last thing on my...

Love, like hefty leftover stew, could be eaten with a spoon—or with some homeless guy I just met. I would offer you some, but we haven’t met yet. And whose fault is that? Oh yeah—yours.

Humor is the whole truth.

Every day we’re told that we live in the greatest country on earth. And it’s always stated as an undeniable fact: Leos are born between July 23 and August 22, fitted queen-size sheets measure sixty...

The hard part is over. Now comes the soft, gooey part that’s impossible to get off one’s shoes.

That´s the problem with planning a late night supper after the opera, not only does the hero or the heroine die singing, but you end up famished after the last notes of the finale.

Sexual reproduction and food — humans’ two favorite subjects.

The land around Ankh-Morpork is fertile and largely given over to the cabbage fields that help to give the city its distinctive odor.The gray light of pre-dawn unrolled over the blue-green expanse, and around a...

Falling in love is painful on the knees.

A new poll found that 84% of American people were disgusted by Congress, and my only thought is, Are 16% of Americans insane? If they’re not disgusted, they should eat a bowl of vomit soup....

I want to write my own eulogy, and I want to write it in Latin. It seems only fitting to read a dead language at my funeral.

WHAT DOES AN OLD MAN GAIN BY EXERCISINGwhat will he gain by talking on the phonewhat will he gain by going after fame, tell mewhat does he gain by looking in the mirrorNothingeach time he...

mr youse needn’t be so spryconcernin questions artyeach has his tastes but as for ii likes a certain partygimme the he-man’s solid blissfor youse ideas i’ll match yousea pretty girl who naked isis worth a...

I suppose that in no educational institution can one become an educated person.

There’s a Drunk Midget in My HouseAh, babies! They’re more than just adorable little creatures on whom you can blame your farts. Like most people who have had one baby, I am an expert on...

Grandpa had a good life, up until the day we slaughtered him and ate him. Honestly, he raised chickens, so he should have seen it coming.

America’s problem, in a word, is politicians. In two words, it’s politicians and lobbyists. In three words, it’s politicians, lobbyists, and lawyers. And finally, in four words, it’s politicians, lobbyists, lawyers, and bankers.

The way I wrestle five-year-olds makes me think if I were ever attacked by a pack of midgets, I’d be OK.

It seems kind of light for a dozen books. I think it’s probably that unnatural number of Jason Statham DVDs you ordered.”He has to have filmed a nude scene at some point in his career....