I think people are as individual as snowflakes, they kinda look alike but no two are the exactly the same, and all classification is the root of prejudice.

I have a deep and profound mistrust of all politicians.

Look, there is nothing you can say about this show that I don’t already know

The wedding took place in Vermont, where they have legalized gay civil unions, and I married a woman.

It’s not that we fly by the seat of our pants. We’re not afraid of failure.

You gotta laugh because if you didn’t you’d cry

It never occurred to them that God may have provided the world with a vast array of very brainy medical types for the very reason of solving problems such as theirs. However, there is one...

Other than the laws of physics, rules have never really worked out for me.

I’m reading a book, because I’m brainy. No, it is a book – if you don’t know, it is like a blog except bigger.

When in doubt about who’s to blame. Blame the English.

Ros was dead.He had loved heroin more than it loved him. I was shocked beyond imagining; he was the first of my friends to fall.

Strange star-like object over Oslo right before Obama arrives. A gift of a golden medal given by a group of wise men… Nah.

I don’t see my show as a stepping stone to something else like some people, who get a job then have a foot out the door looking for their next job.

If Scotland and America go to war, I’m afraid I’ve already sworn in.

I have that hypocrisy of a parent in that I’m like,’Come on, you’ve got to toughen up at the same time let me take care of that for you.

The Afghan government is as corrupt as a prostitute with a law degree.

There is no Thanksgiving back in the old country where I come from. You know why? Because being thankful is a sin.

I used to believe, like many people who come from poor backgrounds, that it gave me an edge, but I think that’s just something we have to tell ourselves to get by sometimes. I don’t...

When I stopped drinking, it was only because I thought if I don’t stop, I’m going to die.

Laughter separates us from despair, and gives us a chance at love.

I like football. I find its an exciting strategic game. Its a great way to avoid conversation with your family at Thanksgiving.

I think sometimes that people think brave means not being afraid, which of course it doesn’t mean that at all. It means that you’re afraid, but you move past that and do it anyway, do...

A friend of mine that I was in a band with started me on Kafka, which in turn led to Camus and Sartre.

I realize that I am not a journalist. So anything I say is not important.

Every day I ran to that book like it was a bottle of whiskey and crawled inside because it was a world that I had at least some control over, and slowly, in time, it...

I think commercialism helps Christmas and I think that the more capitalism we can inject into the Christmas holiday the more spiritual I feel about it

I’ve started looking at my own father a bit funny. He assures me, though, that I really am the son of a Scottish postman.

My pilot’s license. I’m proud of that.

You clap. The Censor wakes up. We all get into trouble.

I think comedy as an art involves the audience as a participant as much as is involves the artist.

I didn’t flee a dictator or swim an ocean to be an American like some do. I just thought long and hard about it.

I do a show. It comes on late at night on TV. And if that means I’m a late-night talk show host, then I guess I am, but in every other regard I resign my...

I’m careful with money.

Those unexpected morality lessons provided by the trip had jolted me into some kind of action. It was time to jettison the past before the present jettisoned me. This was my first veiled attempt at...

He was in awe of the thirst that people had for someone to tell them that everything was going to be all right. He marveled at the gullibility and vulnerability of his fellow humans. No...

I came to America, and I made good. It’s an old story, but it hasn’t been told in a long time. Usually, it’s, ‘I’m an immigrant, I came here and got persecuted.’ My story is...

Being an American is something I wanted to be for a very long time, probably since I saw the moon landing when I was a child.

For example, in Paris, if one desires to buy something, you enter the store and say “Good morning, sir” or “madam,” depending on what is appropriate, you wait until you are greeted, you make polite...

After all this time I found that the novel is in fact punk rock.

Thanks cows. I appreciate your tastiness.

I just do my thing and try each show to be more honest about why I am and who I am. It’s quite tricky and actually nerve-racking to do that. It’s kind of a happy...

You know, your whole life you’re concerned about money for this and that. And then you don’t have to worry about it, so you worry about other stuff.

Allowances can always be made for your friends to disagree with you. Disagreement, vehement disagreement, is healthy. Debate is impossible without it. Evil does not question itself, only hope questions itself. Even the incorruptible are...

I think in our desire to create a better America,we have to have civilized debate in this country and not just yelling.

It’s like, it’s kind of like if you ever had a car and it was a bit of a clunker but you love it, that’s my show. It’s a bit of a clunker but I...

I’ve got young kids, so it suits me to do a job which keeps me in town right now.

Acid gave me a clinical, unblinking look at madness, and I discovered I wasn’t brave enough to be insane.

By the power of Steven Wright’s Beard!

I got sober. I stopped killing myself with alcohol. I began to think: ‘Wait a minute – if I can stop doing this, what are the possibilities?’ And slowly it dawned on me that it...

All they teach you in drama school is how to do stage fights and be a pain in rehearsals.