I think people are as individual as snowflakes, they kinda look alike but no two are the exactly the same, and all classification is the root of prejudice.

The Universe is very, very big.It also loves a paradox. For example, it has some extremely strict rules.Rule number one: Nothing lasts forever.Not you or your family or your house or your planet or the...

Its easier to feel a little more spiritual with a couple of bucks in your pocket.

It’s very interesting to know what people are doing while you’re working on late-night television.

For me, comedy should have a certain amount of joy in it. It should be about attacking the powerful – the politicians, the Trumps, the blowhards – going after them. We shouldn’t be attacking the...

My job is to find the politicians and the presidents and the pompous people who are telling other people how to live, powerful, visible creatures and … go at them.

You can never talk religion on network TV. It makes too many people angry. You can talk about sex.

At CBS, I’m in your house. I’m mindful of that. When I do standup, you’re in my home and I can say what I want to.

I have to do a show which is of interest to me, or else I’m lost.

There’s just a feeling you get from certain things you do in life that just kind of feel pure and independent of what’s actually, physically, going on.

I know the fashion is that everything is fair game [for comedy material] but I don’t believe that.

On that same tour we ran into a band at Aylesbury Friars, a biggish venue in Oxfordshire, England. They were a four-piece from Ireland called U2. They seemed like nice fellows and they sounded pretty...

I’m gonna enjoy being old I think I’ll be awesome at it.

I used to psych myself up before the show and now I do the complete opposite: I psych myself down. It’s 12:30 at night, you don’t want some guy yelling at you. You want some...

I’m crazy. I know I’m crazy ’cause Desmond Tutu told me, and he’s very clever. He said, ‘You must free yourself, be more of who you are. Be more crazy.’ And I’m going to.

Time is only linear for engineers and referees.

I think when you become a parent you go from being a star in the movie of your own life to the supporting player in the movie of someone else’s.

When you need to borrow money the Mob seems like a better deal I think. ‘You don’t pay me back I break both yer legs.’ Is that all? You won’t take my house or wreck...

I’m a terrible interviewer. I’m not a journalist – although I have a Peabody Award – and I’m not really a late-night host. What I am is honest.

I remember talking to someone early on after I was sober about how I suddenly felt awkward at parties. They said, ‘Well, you’re supposed to. Everyone feels awkward at parties.’ It’s an appropriate feeling to...

Gillette–The best a man can get.”I stared at the screen. What happened to me? I was meant to be one of those guys, vigorous and athletic and successful and, most of all, American. I was...

Jimmy put in a word and told them that if I made it, I wouldn’t be able to live with myself without paying them back. That I’d sooner die than owe anyone money for helping...

I don’t think being a comedian gives you any fucking insight into what makes people laugh.

I hope what I do has an art to it, and as an artist you have to try new things and keep yourself entertained.

I realized women and humor were linked very closely.

If I have a near-beer, I’m near beer. And if I’m near beer, I’m close to tequila. And if I’m close to tequila, I’m adjacent to cocaine.

I took the sleeper out of Glasgow, and as the smelly old train bumped out of Central Station and across the Jamaica Street Bridge, I stared out at the orange halogen streetlamps reflected in the...

Old people really do have a secret though. You wanna know what it is? Luck.

It’s the beauty and curse of doing a daily show. Some days you’ve got nothing to talk about and other days Dick Cheney shoots his lawyer in the face and everyone is happy.

I always wanted to make motion pictures, ever since I was a wee boy, and I was 32, and time was marching on. I met a guy who said, ‘Come out to Hollywood for 10...

Whether I or anyone else accepted the concept of alcoholism as a disease didn’t matter; what mattered was that when treated as a disease, those who suffered from it were most likely to recover.

I don’t think there’s anything wrong with telling the truth. I know it isn’t fashionable.

That’s why Credit card companies are evil. Are they sponsoring the show tonight? … They are Evil.

I dropped out of high school when I was 16, after I had a huge argument with my English teacher over the meaning of the word ‘existentialism.’

Historically, when Americans don’t know what to do next, they go to Paris. Benjamin Franklin is like: ‘What am I going to do now? I’ll go to Paris!’

Its like a sort of internet Ren Fair. Its like Dungeons & Dragons but for cool people who have got friends.

It may be that the fear contains information. Something can be interesting if you get to the other side of that fear.

Even the incorruptible are corruptible if they cannot accept the possibility of being mistaken.Infallibility is a sin in any man.All laws can be broken and are.Often.

I proved to my own satisfaction that I am madder than I think.

A lot of people come to L.A. looking for something. What I came here for, I realize now, is to be okay with myself.

I told her that I didn’t want to take any drugs. That I had come here not to take drugs. “Listen,” she said, not unkindly, “up until now I would say that ninety-nine percent of...

The clocks understood, they kept moving, motion, following the truth that change is the nature of God’s mind, and resistance to it is the source of great pain.

114 isn’t as old as it used to be they say its the new 104.

They were singing, Gillette, the best a man can get, with a lot of guys hugging their fathers and sailing and riding bikes. I suddenly felt a long way from the best a man could...

I come from a very critical culture. You know the Scots. They’re always saying: ‘Oh, no. It will never work. You’ll never amount to anything. You’ve got to know your place in the world.’

America truly is the best idea for a country that anyone has ever come up with so far. Not only because we value democracy and the rights of the individual, but because we are always...

People talk to old people like they’re children.’Oh you’re very old aren’t you?’ Yeah I’m old. I’m not stupid.

Sometimes they would just pay me to stay home and not do anything else, which sounds fantastic but doesn’t do much for your ego. Its probably a little like getting alimony-the money is nice but...

I’m not aware of having a creepy laugh, but apparently I do.

I am probably a pseudo-intellectual.